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Partner's online relationship, what do I do?<object type="cosymantecnisbfw" cotype="cs" id="SILOBFWOBJECTID" style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block;"></object>

Community Member

Hi guys, after some thoughts, advice or anything else that can be offered.

Without going into too much detail I have recently (accidentally) discovered that my long term partner has been carrying on an online relationship/fantasy life with a friend of hers who lives overseas. It appears she has plans to end things, quit her job and move to be with him (I'm not sure if I should treat this seriously or if it is just a fantasy?).

Things haven't been good in the relationship for some time and this has just served to bring matters to a head. Our sex life is non existent (her choice not mine) and getting her to make any kind of commitment to the relationship is like pulling teeth (yet despite these issues she has been talking about wanting kids for the last year or so).

I am financially stable, work in a relatively high paying job in a growth industry and bought my own house young (she couldn't be part of it at the time because she was still a student). I take financial responsibility for the house and everything else is shared but for the last 3 years or so I have suggested that we take shared responsibility for the payments and I make her a legal owner. When this failed I suggested selling and buying a place of our own, she seemed more interested but has never really followed through.

Sex is a rarity and hasn't happened for over a year now, I tried to initiate for a long time but being constantly rejected wasn't good for my self esteem and it became easier to just not try. Hugs, kisses, hand holding and general romance is lacking too. I wouldn't consider myself a romantic person but I like to feel loved.

We have spoken about this in the past and she says she is either tired or doesn't feel comfortable with her body (she has put on around 20kg since we started dating). I have suggested exercise might help and try to get her involved in cycling, walking or rowing (all of which are very convenient in our location) but instead she starts fad diets and joins the gym, neither of which last.

Full disclosure, when I was most down about the lack of sex and intimacy I sought and found a mistress. The relationship was only sexual and she was aware of my situation and did not expect me to leave it. I felt terrible and couldn't handle the sneaking around and double life and ended it. I still speak to this woman occasionally and she tries to offer suggestions to help sort out my relationship.


2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi mt, welcome

My opinion of course but add two things together- no sex life and a suspicious (in the least) fantasy romance with someone else and you have not much of a relationship left to have faith in.

Either reason would be grounds enough to leave....for me. But you are not me. So you need to find out what you need from this woman to make you happy. If she cannot provide it then make a move to start over. If you don't then one day she will do so.

If she is no longer in love with you, you need to acknowledge within yourself that it isn't your fault.

The only other answer is to get counselling if she is interested. It might bring it all to a head with a third person asking the questions.

Tony WK

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear MT, well it's a situation which none of us want to get into, but unfortunately it happens, and because of what has happened I am pleased that she hasn't accepted any share of responsibilities for the house, because I can only see you being heartbroken financially.

Well I have to be honest here, because you did seek out a mistress while she was talking online to someone overseas, be it a friend or not, that pretty well sums up what you should decide to do, because there is no intimacy and basically you are not happy.

I can't tell you what you should do, because that's your decision, but maybe suggest an idea which I'm sure you know what it is, you're not happy, so maybe it's time to move on and find some love and happiness.

I wouldn't think she would actually mind, because she accepted your affair with another person, so does this mean what she thinks of you, sorry, but have a think about it. Geoff.