Cleaning

[Wanwi_S]

My partner and I have an argument about cleaning the house. He told me everything doesn't need to be perfect when it doesn't. He told me not to push myself too hard to clean when the dishwasher only runs once a day, washing machine run once a week. We have a robot vacuum. 

I could do it all on my own but what I don't understand is why we are not sharing the load.

We have a 2 year old and I'm pregnant. 

I told him if he likes to do it his way, I won't touch his stuff. He can clean whenever he wants in his own convenient. I will just stop asking for help becuase it's more exhausting than doing the cleaning myself. 

He said it's good, just like when he was single. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sad about this situation. I can guess that eventually you'll get tired not only physically but emotionally as time goes on.

In my 30's I was married to a much younger woman and she was really lazy, in fact e ended up with 2 young kids and I worked 65 hours a week in 3 jobs (one shift work 12 hour shifts) so she could be a stay at home mum. I never thought I'd end up doing all the chores including changing nappies and cooking more than her. Eventually I got a GP to do a home visit that surprised her. At 2pm on a Saturday has asked what the problem was and I point at her and said "2pm on a Saturday and she is in her pyjamas she's been up for 20 minutes!" So he did some tests and a week later he told me she was very healthy and ... "she has a extreme case of laziness" 

A few years later I completely broke down leading to an attempt on my life, I survived and left her.

I'm hoping things dont get that bad for you. The real problem here isnt rare, its common. Some people grow up with a parent doing all the work, actually like my ex wife they will watch you do it all with no conscience of obligation to help. It's extraordinary to caring people that consider others.

I'm afraid you wont win with his attitude imo, its ingrained. Watching you care for one child and pregnant with a second do all the chores is simply unacceptable. The issue here also is that you have to live with someone for this problem to become evident and the early days we ignore our gut feelings as we are in love.

So what can you do? Well counselling could make him realise he is irresponsible. But I think you need a plan and that starts with allowing someone to mind the kids and organise a meeting. No distractions. Ask him what chores he is willing to do regularly as clockwork eg cooking nights for him, dusting, hanging out the washing etc. Then set his alarm on the phone for each chore. I'm sorry to say, this wont likely work either, his mindset is not to do anything so sad.

So, begin thinking hard about where you'll be in 12 months time with two young kids and his manner is the same. Hope that helps

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

I loathe cleaning... but I love how it feels when finished.
Only then can I truly relax and survey my accomplishments - everything feels fresh, clean, and hygienic; and because it makes me feel good, the routine continues. Not quite OCD I hope, but I do take pleasure in such small victories over the encroaching perils intent on glooming up my day.
Similarly, I despise untidiness and filth - can't function or even think clearly in such an environment (and sadly that extends to other people's houses, unjustly).

But that may have little to do with your concerns:-
Husband is concerned for your being pregnant and doesn't want you overexerting - not that he is all that keen to pitch in, but his intentions are noble.
What you are really looking for is support and a sense of teamwork - could this be an unconscious response/need for your emotional well being to ensure husband will be dependable if/when called upon? Pregnancy can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster with a mix of thoughts and the prospect of two tikes running around and tearing up the place might give rise to feelings of complete pandemonium if left to manage all by yourself.
As opposed to a general plea, you could delegate a few tasks solely as hubby's domain (clean the bathroom, wash floors, or whatever causes you discomfort) to reduce the number of chores just to feel a bit more supported. Over time he should get into the routine and step up automatically when you are otherwise incapacitated.
His last comment appears to have been made more in exasperation, not intentionally insulting.

Do a little directing as it sounds like he lacks initiative.

[white knight]

Hi Tranzcrybe

I like this "Do a little directing as it sounds like he lacks initiative."

My 1st wife, the lazy one would stop talking to me for up to 6 weeks if I tried to "lead". So I had to be ultra aware of the risks in leading. What I did eventually was - say we were to go shopping in 30 minutes time. "How about I hang out the washing while you collect the items for the baby? or do you want to hang out the washing?" 

Giving the option worked most times.

TonyWK