Found my wife having affair with her ex-boss

[Localfruit]

I am a 50yr old man.

Last week I tracked my wife and found she has been checking into a motel 20km from where we lived. I don't know how long this has been going on.

I confronted her, and after a very long pause, she confessed that she had been having an affair with her ex-boss which she worked with for 12 years, and claimed they never had sex. Her ex-boss is from a senior management role. Her lies keeps going.  I have already forgiven her for the 2 past affairs when we were married within the 1st five years (honeymoon marriage).

My heart is shattered, and feel so much pain.

We have been married 23 years. We have 2 children 17yrs and 14yrs.

She never showed any signs of affair, although it is hard to forget her past affairs.

I am always away for work for days in a week. We laughed and have dinner with kids occasionally. We have heated quarrels from time to time.

Now she says I was to blame,

- because I don't listen to her, don't talk to her or my kids. 

- And when I come back, all I want is sex. Unfortunately for her, I do have a high sex drive. So now she is having sex with another man???

- She says I speak with a harsh tone to her and my kids.

- she says I belittle her.

- she says i am distant from my parents and siblings, which maybe true, because I am a very private person.

I am not rich, and I (or we) worked constantly to build our dream home, and save up money. So one day, we can start travelling around the world.

My world has just crashed, and I am having trouble coping. Please help.

[white knight]

HI LF, welcome

I hope I can help. The claims from your wife levelled against you is classic gaslighting, turning her guilty actions against you as being the reason for her dishonesty. If those issues were valid prior then counselling should have been sort. End! Because she cast doubts on you you then, being loyal and kind, soak up the criticism and doubt yourself, this is not the way to handle the situation. A classic example of this is "she says i am distant from my parents and siblings "  That is character assassination. You are not to blame.

I've had 3 prior relationships all over 7 years duration before my now marriage of 12 years that is happy. Separation never gets easier so while you are devastated I think your unhappiness will continue based on her track record. Separation should be considered in respect to your own emotional well being and also to remind you that a future beyond her is not as gloomy as it seems, its more the challenge to commence the process as up till now she has been your whole life. This "process" of acceptance of separation, the pending move out, the property divide and coping with not only your grief but the upheaval your children will go through is daunting so lets whittle it down with some facts.

• Children are resilient, they will accept this family divide better then you.
• Child support might need to be paid depending on child custody arrangements, income etc until 18yo or when the child/children end education.
• The grief period depends on the person, you might need some counselling but over time you will feel better as you build your confidence. (see link below)
• Crisis lines are available lifeline 131114 and Beyondblue number at bottom of the page. And we are here and you can post and I'm here daily for example and many kind members and other Community Champions.   

I'm sorry I havent given time for how to actually fix this problem you have with your wife, I dont have the confidence you'll overcome the main issue and that's her disloyalty of which you justly expect. If you portrayed a man that can live in a open marriage and that pleased her then it would be a different response.

The near future will be challenging but please remember - you are a good person and deserve the bare minimum of trust.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Reply if you desire.

TonyWK