It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the
hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly
educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they
arose, especially relationships. I dated ...
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It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the
hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly
educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they
arose, especially relationships. I dated a women for a year - I truly
loved her and I expressed this to her, which is something I never did
with any other. Unfortunately for the relationship, there were so many
cultural barriers (especially upbringings) that caused communications
between the two of us to always break down. It was so frustrating
because I would spend so much of our time together trying to explain
something I said that she completely misinterpreted. It wasn't her fault
and I never blamed her. It made me appreciate her more. We were so alike
personality wise (both problematic personalities - but we understood
each other) that I enjoyed every moment around her and wished nothing
more than to hear her voice and have her by my side. I got to the point
where all I wanted to do was see her - this is the second problem. I
pushed the relationship too hard at the beginning and this with the
problem above... well... I screwed things up. In the process I lost
sight of my life. Never did I take the same approach in previous long
term relationships (3+ years and I am in my mid to late 30s) - in fact
in previous relationships I was totally care free. She suffers
depression and so do I and this too had an impact on the relationship -
at times we held each other's problems against each other and cultural
barriers only worsened things when we tried to talk it out. One day and
out of no where she told me that long term the relationship would not
work and she made the decision that we should break up. Least to say,
inside I was S-M-A-S-H-E-D to pieces. I was lost for months until a few
months later we got back together, but, again, she made the same
decision. Skip forward sometime and she was out of the front of my mind
and I really started to get my act together and set new goals. I never
wanted to be with another women because she was always at the back of my
mind when I got close to one. Anyways... skip forward some more time and
one day I saw her - we just stared at each other, but I continued on as
if nothing happened. I started to think about her more as the days
progressed then she plagued my mind for some weeks until..... I called
her and arranged to meet up (I am a persistent person)- the worst thing
I could have done. We met a few times and I tried to get her back... she
rejected and I made a total fool of myself by using foul language as
response to her decision (I know - this is totally unacceptable and
culturally inappropriate, but the thought of not being with her killed
me inside and I froze up). All I can do is think about her. I took up
smoking after having quit for a long period of time, lost total interest
in my job, any hobbies etc. I sabotage any positive thoughts of moving
on or moments where I try to regain traction by focusing on my job etc.
To this day I cannot comprehend, not so much the relationship, but why I
am so attracted to her and why I cannot stop thinking about her. I can't
think, concentrate (meditation does not work) and everything I do seems
to remind me of her. I constantly think of the moments we spent together
- her beautiful voice, face and body and more importantly her mind. This
incomprehension is tying me up - I feel like I am stuck in a coffin. I
want to forget her, but I don't want to. I want nothing more than to
have her back, but I know it will never be possible. I just want to move
on, but I am stuck and broken down. Forgetting was never an issue in the
past, but it's something I refuse to do in the present - with her.
Please help me.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
