10 year relationship may be coming to an end

[guest119]

I have been with my husband for 10 years (since I was 15). Over the years we have had some up’s and we have had some downs. He has depression so a lot of our down periods coincided with that, but also I have recently found that I have anxiety and depression which would of contributed to a few of our issues.

In 2011 I had an affair. We ended up reconciling in December, 2011.

We have been a bit rocky lately, due to me being depressed and anxious and taking it out on him.

Finally over the weekend I felt like things were better, and we were ok. That was until I came home from work Sunday night and he wouldn’t talk to me. Turns out my behaviour reminded him of when I was cheating so he looked on my Facebook. He found a message I sent to the person I had the affair with in January 2012 trying to make contact. He is rightfully devastated, and feels like every moment since then has been a lie.

I am trying to explain that it is not, that I made a mistake and that I love him and only him. He isn’t sure if he wants to stay together.

I feel so anxious. I haven’t eaten in 24 hours. I feel like crying but at the same time I feel numb.

I just don’t know what to do to make this better.

[white knight]

Hi H,  welcome to Beyond Blue forums

My wife and I have a couple as friends that this also happened with. The women cheated on her husband many years ago. The male never has forgotten and he told me he likely never will. It's wounds are deep and trust once gone rarely returns. 

Your man must love you a lot. He has forgiven you but this action of him looking through your FB has proven he has suspicion.

Counseling might be a way of coming to an agreement. Relationship Australia might have suggestions.

Good luck take care.

[hope__strength_and_happin]

Hi harlowaudrey,

I read a book that may be of use to both of you - it's called 'Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity' and it's available as a kindle e-book pretty cheaply.  It's a useful book for couples in helping repair a relationship after an affair.  The author's emphasis is on staying together where possible and has a lot of useful tools for both partners, and for understanding what the other is feeling. I recommend it highly.

Take care of yourself and good luck.