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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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LanaKane Why Do I Feel So Alone?
  • replies: 2

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my paren... View more

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my parents; they live in Canberra and I'm in Perth but we call/text/email/skype most days. I have a few close friends. And (for the cat people out there!) constanly have two kitties on my lap the moment I sit down! But for some reason when I'm home doing nothing (AKA watching TV) I feel like I'm wasting my life, that I'm alone, lonely, a loser. I wonder what other people are doing, how they have such full lives they "don't have time to watch TV". I feel completely left out knowing that people are out doing things together, even if those things wouldn't involve me anyway. I always feel the need to try to make contact with people, messaging or something just so I'm not sitting there all alone. Why can't I be happy alone? Just because I'm currently alone in a room, doesn't actually make me lonely. Why can't I just be happy? I have literally no reason to feel this way. I thought at first that I felt lonliness because we had heaps of friends and family either staying with us or nearby for the wedding. But that was in March and I still feel alone. Logically I realise this is evidence of my depression returning; feel down, calling it lonliness, beating myself up for no reason. I know what it is, I have access to help...but I haven't sought it...not sure why. I feel lost.

DandyLions Do I want to exit this relationship or is it the depression talking?
  • replies: 3

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questiona... View more

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questionable behaviour from time to time. I was diagnosed with major depression a month ago. I was not altogether surprised at the diagnosis, but shocked how bad I let myself get. I'm no stranger to the mental health game. My mother has been clinically depressed (along with all the ails that accompany long term depression) for over 15 years. I am not ashamed, I am where I am. But my relationship is not on that page with me. For the first yyear and four months of our relationship my partner and I did not have sex. I had no idea why. It was his choice, and he refused to tell me why, to trust him that he was sorting it out. We did other things, or he did to me, I wasn't allowed to touch him, felt very teenage to be honest. Eventually, the trust and intimacy issues snuck up on me and for months I wouldn't let him touch me. After a year together, I said I can wait for you but you need to tell me why this is happening or I'm gone. It ended up being something superficial about his penis that an operation would fix. We had sex a few times, even though he hasn't got that operation, months agoago. He also has a drinking problem. Drinks at home every night. He's incredibly insecure. When I was diagnosed, my gp told me to take all the space I needed and avoid emotional situations which would increase my stress levels. It was liberating. I've spent the past month just doing what I would like to, which consists heavily of being nowhere near my partner. I feel extremely certain that despite the amazing side to him which is definitely there, albeit hidden under his insecurities for about the past year, I'm too worn out to continue working on Myself and our extremely broken relationship at the same time. I'm far from blameless, ive been cold, distant, all of the text book stuff the posts for supporting partners warn to look out for. So, at Long last, I don't want to wait for a recovery to begin to make this decision. I have a long road ahead of me. How do I begin to assess whether I want to leave because I'm being textbook depressed, or because at this point leaving serves me better? If you made it this far thank you so much for reading brevity is not my strong point...

wanted_a_simple_life Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy
  • replies: 24

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do... View more

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do you feel guilty like you have shut the door to the life you wanted so much. What do you do when they were everything and now you have so much time on your hands outside of work, you might do stuff, but it doesnt make you happy cause the kids are not part of it. Has anyone else gone through this??

Mermaid007 I think if ex when under stress
  • replies: 2

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from wha... View more

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from what I'm supposed to be doing and makes it even harder. I just want to drop everything and curl up un a ball when things get like this. It's not even his fault, we haven't even been talking and neither has anything happened to remind me of him. He'd usually be the one encouraging me to keep going, help me stay on track, he would motivate me. Going through some of the threads it makes it even worse that other people are experiencing things far more significant and here's me who starts thinking about her ex when she's stressed, seems rather petty but it is extremely DISTRACTING. How do people get exes out of their minds!

EmptyDumpty 7 years later and she said she feels nothing.
  • replies: 4

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore.... View more

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore. It's mostly my fault. I made promises that i delayed in delivering. And it's come to a point where she gave up. Last night she moved out of the room. She said it's better that way. I felt a massive emptiness last night. I've spent the last 30 days trying to make sense of it all. The first few days trying to rationalise why she wouldn't give us a second chance. Why I'm so determined to change the person i am. I feel I've finally come to terms that she's given up on me and moved on. I've spent the last 30 days working out. It seems to clear my mind. I've always been overweight. I lost 6 kilos so far. Will likely reach target weight in another 4 weeks. But in between I'm thinking....who am I doing this for? I try to convince myself that its for me. But is it? I don't know. I only know its a goal I need to accomplish. I'm more concerned what next? Everything feels numb. Last night as she was moving her stuff she cried. She cried because she feels I'm hurting. I said I am but I'll deal with it. Her emotions are messing hard with me. I know she cares for me but she doesn't love me anymore. It's messing with my head. I told her I thought she had moved on? Its gonna take me a bit longer to do so but I feel eventually I will. Its the 2nd night I'm sleeping alone. It's gonna get some getting used to. We still share 1 common bond. Our dog. It's the only thing left that connects us. I've acknowledged the fact that we're just very different people. My 2 best friends have been very supportive but unfortunately ones in Canada and the other is in the UK. I've pictured myself if I would fall off the wagon at some point and reach for my whiskies. Just at the back of my mind there's this other Me saying it's the last thing i wanna be doing. So i jump in the pool everyday. I do my routine. I do my job as best as i can manage which suprisingly is going fine. We have a rough plan moving forward. We're gonna sort out stuff. We both want the split to be amicable as possible. I just feel numb at the moment. The shock has passed for the most. Sigh.

H3lpl3ssinqld I don't know what to do.
  • replies: 3

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me findi... View more

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me finding out, he reconnected with her while I thought he was attending counselling sessions with me to fix the problems we have. After again, finding out about the reconnection, he lost his job unfairly and proceeded with an unfair dismissal case against the employer, while I was by his side and fought his case with him, he again reconnected with her. He then refused to attend counselling sessions, however after 6 months of counselling sessions by myself, I found the doctor to be contradicting a lot of his statements, and felt he wasn't the best person for myself either. I continued on my path alone, we never really discussed the issues because I either got more lies, or nothing. I guess we have just been getting along to make each day bearable. I did try to get him to help with other strategies like online videos, books about affairs and reconciliation, etc. Nothing that he wanted to be a part of. Now, 19 months later, I feel no better than the day I found out. On top of that I have lost my job, and I work in an industry that have gone through major government reforms, so I am competing against 1000 other redundant candidates for jobs I apply for, which there are not many of either (I am in the Private Training Organisation industry). My experience compared to others is very little only 1 year as a trainer. I am lucky to even get a reply for not successful for 1 job out of 80 that I apply for. We have been having a lot of problems lately I am at the point that there is no point repairing our relationship if I don't do things his way. So I am to talk about what I am going through - and when I do, he will point out the way I was before the affair started. He won't address the issues of the affair. This morning I received a phone call from our real estate - the owner wants an appraisal on the property, but the real estate is not sure what the owner is doing yet. The last thing I need now is to have to move house when I can barely afford the food on the table for my kids. I sit on my bed most days just crying and have no motivation to do anything. I don't know what to do. I cant afford to see a professional either, and where I live on the mental health care plan I need $150 for an appointment.

Goofy41 When the irrational overrides the rational
  • replies: 7

Earlier this year my husband and I went through a really rough patch in which I thought he would leave me due to the pressures of dealing with my depression. I'm glad to say that he didn't and we have slowly begun to rebuild our relationship. Just la... View more

Earlier this year my husband and I went through a really rough patch in which I thought he would leave me due to the pressures of dealing with my depression. I'm glad to say that he didn't and we have slowly begun to rebuild our relationship. Just last week he had to have an operation which, although not serious in the big scheme of things, has left him in a lot of pain and off work for at least the next 8 to 10 weeks. He is a week into his post-op healing and still on quite a few painkillers. I wish I could say that I am coping well in helping to look after him, but I'm not. Although I know that physical pain can cause tempers to be short, and painkillers can knock our thinking off quilter, I am almost embarrased to say that I am finding myself offended by his actions. I've noticed my depression getting worse since he's come out of hospital, and my ability to deal with what he needs have gone down hill as well. I want to be there for him but I'm finding his need for independance to be hurtful and don't know how to reconcile this in my head. I wish the rational part of my brain would kick in and start working just as it does for every other area of my life. Why is this such an issue for me? It is only today that I've noticed my work going down hill as well, I'm making stupid mistakes and not able to think straight. I keep telling myself that he will heal but it will take time, and that if I were in his shoes I would probably be much the same. I actually think I've been so used to being the person needing the help that having the table's turned has highlighted a massive gap in my ability to cope. Basically I don't think I should be feeling like this when my husband is the one whose just had an op and is in pain.

Stephd91 Cannot move on, extreme anxiety, hate life
  • replies: 5

So I am a 24 year old girl and i have been on and off with my bf for 7 years. Ive had bfs before who have treated me bad and ive just left and never lost sleep over. But with this bf its taking over my life. If in not with him and he doesnt want me e... View more

So I am a 24 year old girl and i have been on and off with my bf for 7 years. Ive had bfs before who have treated me bad and ive just left and never lost sleep over. But with this bf its taking over my life. If in not with him and he doesnt want me everything in life is depressing and nothing makes me happy. As soon as i get a msg from him i get so incredibly happy. I cant even begin to explain the bad things hes done to me you wouldn't understand why i still want him if i did. I just bought him a silver chain for his 30th & took him to a hotel and dinner for our anniversary, i never get anything in return but i accept it. I am his first gf and hes always said hes not interested in anyone but me. I believed that. He has depression anxiety and is on anti psychotics. For the last couple of months we had no intimacy or sexual anything. From his part only. The last couple of weeks ive been so in love and weve been more affectionate. Until last Sat i went through his laptop history and found adult websites. Now you'll probably say oh all guys do it, its normal. This is my ultimate no no and its done. I already have the worst self confidence issues because of him. What makes it worst is he lies and doesnt tell me about it.& we got intimate that weekend the video was watched. i am so confused as to why he'd wanna watch that disgusting stuff. Am i not good enough. I now hate myself even more and im sick of people saying you need to move on or only you can do it. 3 yrs ago i saw a psych and it did nothing. Even been on meds. I cannot get over this guy no matter what. The anxiety that runs through me knowing he doesnt care but we always get back together. But this time i cant get the images out of my head and why he did what hes done and what else does he lie about? Atm im building a house. I have wanted it for over 5 years. You think id be so happy in my life right now, right?? Wrong. Unless i have him, nothing can make me happy. He doesnt work, is over 130kg, has mental health issues but i love him. He says all the time i bring him down. I feel so ugly and not good enough. I just want him to have not done this.how many times. He says just once but he lies and doesnt care. I cant lie to him if i wanted to. Its cheating. Hes watching naked people & enjoying it. Hes not ir typical male who does it. It upsets me that he doesbt msg or reply because to be honest i know he doesnt care about me. What do i do can't get over him. 7 yrs of this and i cant. Help me

Stuck82 Lost, exhausted and hate life!
  • replies: 17

Hi, i hope someone can give me hope that i can be strong enough. I have been together with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10 and we have 2 beautiful boys together. I met him when i was 18 and been with him ever since. I have been depressed for ... View more

Hi, i hope someone can give me hope that i can be strong enough. I have been together with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10 and we have 2 beautiful boys together. I met him when i was 18 and been with him ever since. I have been depressed for a long time but finally got help last year. I see a psychologist and i am also on anti depressants. I see my doctor monthly. I feel not as cloudy on the medication but still very down. I do the jobs that i have to do and make sure my family are looked after and that's it. I do not do anything that i enjoy anymore cause i just dont care. My husband is a child, he plays computer games, drinks alcohol alot. We have been through so much in tbe past 5 years and i have finally had enough. But i don't know what i want anymore. I feel so down. I feel like i want to be on my own but then i cant see myself without my husband. I don't have Facebook or any social media connection, i don't go to any work partys, he hates me working where i work full stop, i cant even get a tattoo. Why? Cause it upsets him! He says i am an attention seeker, a liar, dumb! I don't do any of these things cause i want him to be happy and not be angry at me (even though he never is happy) people say to me to just leave but i can't cause i don't want to upset him and give up. I feel like im not being a good wife if i did. Im going crazy cause i just want to be me and not be put down or judged. But i feel like i can't leave cause i will break up my family i have wanted so much. What do i do? Im exhausted! All i think is, whats he going to feel or think about me!? He'll hate me. I don't talk to him about anything im feeling cause i don't want to argue anymore. Im tired but i feel so stuck. I want my family but i want to be on my own with my kids. I don't know what to feel anymore. I hate my life. I hate what and who i have become! I know i need to fix it but cant. Im miserable and just so down. I feel ive given everything... there is so much more to my story but it just goes on and on. Seeing my psychologist and doctor help but not to a point where i can make a decision. When will i just have enough?

CalculatedRisk Feeling alone in the relationship.
  • replies: 24

Hello all, first post, long time lurker. Brief introduction - 8 years ago diagnosed with anxiety (and depression as a symptom of the anxiety). Went through therapy, all good now. Still on mild medication and regular visits with my GP, but for all int... View more

Hello all, first post, long time lurker. Brief introduction - 8 years ago diagnosed with anxiety (and depression as a symptom of the anxiety). Went through therapy, all good now. Still on mild medication and regular visits with my GP, but for all intents and purposes my life is good - good job, steady income, education coming along. Personally I feel great. Issue I am feeling is with my wife. We have two lovely children, both work etc. However just over 3 years ago I found she was having an emotional affair with an old friend (inter state). Inappropriate pictures/texts being sent back and forth. Long story short I force the couples counselling. So she stopped going about 8 months ago, and went haphazardly prior to then, I was committed to every session and for many many sessions I was going alone to couples counselling (definition of irony). Now for a bit longer than 3 years we've had little way of interpersonal connection (intimacy, just plain talk, time together etc). It has been a topic of contention that she can spent all evening chatting on facebook, but have no time to converse with me. Success rate for intimacy is about 5% all initiated by me, and having had/have social anxiety the constant knock-back is really starting to feel personal, especially given her emotional affair. Too much work, too tired, can't be bothered are common excuses given for any time together (including family time), but if a friend wants a visit....woooosh off she goes leaving me and the children. I'm committed in this relationship, but it feels I have a flat mate whom we share custody of the children and the bills. She is a person who I feel doesn't know the value of something until it is gone. Now I'm not looking for answers, I am here seeking comments from people who have experienced similar. How long does one usually work at a relationship problem before deciding enough is enough? If/when it is time to move on, do you really have to think about it, or does one just know when it is the right time and they just make it happen? I know it may seem harsh, but years of oodles of arguments, emails, reading, counselling.......there is only so much I see I can do to try and resolve things. Unfortunately it doesn't just impact me, it will impact the children for the rest of their life what decision I make. Relationships are a two way street requiring two people to commit, unfortunately I feel very alone with this. Thanks for reading. CalculatedRisk