Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

darkandstormy Trying to start a dialogue with a friend and seeing it blow up in my face
  • replies: 4

Hi Everyone, First off, thank you to everyone here. I've been a long time reader but never posted. Basically, me and this guy have been friends since college, we're both in our mid-30s and entering into the next phase of our lives. We've always had a... View more

Hi Everyone, First off, thank you to everyone here. I've been a long time reader but never posted. Basically, me and this guy have been friends since college, we're both in our mid-30s and entering into the next phase of our lives. We've always had a contentious friendship, many fights, many core disagreements, and often general dislike. The solution to dealing has always been: it's R, he's an asshole, so what do you expect. So the story in question goes like this... we're at a mutual friends wedding and he goes out of his way to ignore me and my gf, now my fiance, coming over to the group we were with and asking a question to a couple people then leaving, also practically walking by us without saying hi. It was only until I said something that he acknowledged us, which set my fiance up in flames. A few weeks later we got engaged and I texted all my friends, including R, individually with a semi copied/pasted message. It was short and sweet, but 100% honest. He doesn't reply, I left the country for vacation, and I never got his text. I was upset, I sent him an email that was completely honest. I told him my feelings, how I contemplated why he didn't respond but ultimately decided that i didn't care and that I didn't need someone in my life who was going to treat me that way. By telling him these were my feelings I wanted to open a discussion. I never said directly "I don't want you as a friend" or "you're not invited to my wedding" but that is what he took from it. Also turns out he did respond to my text, a week later and said that his original text never sent, but that since his wife is pregnant he wouldn't be able to make the wedding, which is completely fine with me because the wedding is in another country. I just hated his response, it was cold. I called him out and wanted to make him see that by my standards he was not acting like a friend, but also neither was I. I had not put much effort into the friendship either. But I did say that I wanted to say these things rather than say nothing with the hopes that we could find common ground and build a foundation for something to grow in the future, which he completely ignored. I honestly have no idea what to do. I fear he is going to turn all our mutual friends against me, and I don't know how I am able to handle that, or if I can even handle that. Hopefully someone can help. thank you.

Sandy centre Heartbroken and Confused
  • replies: 3

Hi there i am not sure where to begin but the crush that I have had for 9.5 years told me in October that he didnt want to ruin our friendship and then asked me if I was a bit disappointed and the final words werehe would be there for me?? The relati... View more

Hi there i am not sure where to begin but the crush that I have had for 9.5 years told me in October that he didnt want to ruin our friendship and then asked me if I was a bit disappointed and the final words werehe would be there for me?? The relationship had been an emotional affair for the past 14 months before October. I am still married and my husband guessed who the man was that I had a crush on.....thankfully I have never slept with my crush.... i feel so bad because I have now seen my crush twice this week at work things and the last time was in October.... but I know I still have feelings for him..... . By the way My crush has only recently been divorced in the last couple of months.....my husband and I have been married for 10.5 years i just feel really awful and depressed af what I have done to my husband and confused because I know that I have strong feelings for my friend.... If anyone has any suggestions to deal with this that would be much appreciated. kind regards Sylvia

Julz01 Putting my domineering mother into care
  • replies: 19

Last week I put my mother with dementia into care. It's been tough she keeps asking when she is going home. I take her beloved dog in to visit & she breaks down every time. I keep telling her a couple of weeks or I don't know when she's going home; t... View more

Last week I put my mother with dementia into care. It's been tough she keeps asking when she is going home. I take her beloved dog in to visit & she breaks down every time. I keep telling her a couple of weeks or I don't know when she's going home; truth is she can't go home she has let self care lapse, wanders in her pyjamas fortunately nice strangers have brought her home. Yesterday was a bit traumatic she would not let go of her dog & stood at the front door demanding to go home, the centre had to go into lock down. Fortunately the centre have approved her dog to stay for a trial. I had to leave at a side door & staff took over an hour to coax her back to her room. I didn't want her to go into the high security wing because so many of them are much further gone then her but the centre have made me feel we are running out of options. I feel traumatised by the events of yesterday, I feel incredible guilt for removing her from her home & I feel overwhelmed that I have to soon make efforts to sell off her assets to pay for care. I had my depression & anxiety under control since hospitalisation 14 months ago but it's creeping back up & I have started drinking again, which I know I have to settle so my plan is next week when I go back to work routines after holidays.

jason600 Dealing with a Breakup
  • replies: 3

Hi my name is Jason i am a 49 year old male ,and 5 weeks ago my partner of 10 years told me that she wants to have a six month break from the relationship.I was and am devastated.I could not believe it we had been through so much with each other .We ... View more

Hi my name is Jason i am a 49 year old male ,and 5 weeks ago my partner of 10 years told me that she wants to have a six month break from the relationship.I was and am devastated.I could not believe it we had been through so much with each other .We had tried IVF 3 times and failed which did put some strain on the relationship.In previous relationships the end had always been pretty cut and dry , but my ex saying she needs 6 months to go on a spiritual journey to find out if she can rekindle the love is messing with my head , to the point where i think i am going insane.She has moved in with her mother and i have left the home to move in with friends , just need the company.Hopefully someone out there can tell me that the emotions i am feeling are normal.I have become very anxious ,will i ever meet anyone else , constantly thinking will she come back ,one minute i am happy then i will be consumed by negative thoughts ,other times i have mini panic attacks and have to be calmed down by phoning friends.I love surfing and swimming but motivate myself to go to the pool or beach.My friends tell me to ignore the six month time frame and just believe it is over for my sanity.Well i hope someone can tell me what i am going through is normal and any advice would be truly welcome. Many Thanks JASON

Whatdoilike Can no longer stand being around friends
  • replies: 1

I've lived with depression and anxieties for my entire high school period and I am still suffering months after graduating (I decided not to attend university due to my poor mental health). Now that school is over, I really have nothing to do, I have... View more

I've lived with depression and anxieties for my entire high school period and I am still suffering months after graduating (I decided not to attend university due to my poor mental health). Now that school is over, I really have nothing to do, I have walked out on jobs on 2 separate occasions because i could not handle the stress, I am extremely nervous in public due to my extremely skinny nature (Im not anorexic, just naturally very skinny) so I don't attend any social gatherings. This however, means I am also extremely bored at home, with no money to spend. My main issue at the moment is my friends from high school. I consider myself to have 4 friends. One has had to deal with minor anxiety and depression in the past, however he is considered extroverted and is able to easily be happy in society. One is the classic stereotype of a nerd, never going outside, however he has a massive superiority complex despite him being not clever in the slightest. The next one is similar to me, however I doubt he suffers from mental illness, he is just extremely normal in a nerdy kind of way, he is like a very responsibly parent he never comes out either. The last one I have my largest issues with. He obviously suffers from depression and anxiety, however he takes it out on other people. He is selfish, rude, impulsive, unreliable, a liar and has developed a toxic personality in general over the years. He definitely shares multiple traits that a sociopath would. I think his depression may have stemmed from people disliking him due to his personality. I have tried over the years to continue being nice to him and help him, but he is seriously taking a major toll on my own mental health when I am around him, I just no longer want to be friends with him. We all tolerate him in real life and online, but I doubt the only one who actually likes him is the extroverted friend. I don't have the heart to tell him I don't like him because I am afraid he will just get worse. We can't really kick him out because he would nave no one otherwise. The dilemma is that I can either continue having social contact with these people, however I will constantly have to deal with this toxic person, or I cut all relations with this group that I am tired of, but that will result in me no longer having any social contact for a year until I start uni. Sorry for the long rant, I have never been able to express my thoughts because I am so awkward. Has anyone else had a similar issue before? Thanks.

Debs_67 My husband came from a good place but i just can't get passed what he did
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, ok this is really hard for me to do but here goes. On the weekend we were camping and hubby decided to have a drink (which is ok with me), with this he thought it was a good idea to push me to talk about my depression. I at the time didn... View more

Hi everyone, ok this is really hard for me to do but here goes. On the weekend we were camping and hubby decided to have a drink (which is ok with me), with this he thought it was a good idea to push me to talk about my depression. I at the time didn't want to talk about it for 2 reasons, 1 was because of the setting, knowing everyone would be able to hear us talking and 2 was because he was drinking. He seemed to be angry at the fact that i haven't been open and honest with him about how i am feeling but i find it hard to talk to him sometimes as it becomes like a tit for tat debate, meaning when i say something that i don't like he says well what about when you do ect. It is draining sometimes so i tend to not say anything to him. Don't get me wrong we both do really love each other we have been married for 31 yrs and we are both here for each other when needed. Anyway back to the weekend. He wouldn't drop it and kept pushing me to talk i was asking him to drop it but he wouldn't. He asked me why i wouldn't talk to him so i said that i would chat when we were in a more private setting but he wouldn't have it. He just wouldn't stop saying you're going to talk to me now or is it because i am not worthy for you to talk to me, is it because you don't love me it's more of a case of you are just used to me being there. I didn't bite (i would of done in the past) i just kept telling him to please stop, in the end i was pleading with him to drop it and i told him that when we get home i was going to pack a bag and leave him. He made me feel so bad that night and he just doesn't get it (well he didn't). He has sort of said sorry but i just can't get over what he did and how he made me feel. I am still at home but things are a bit strained. I really don't know how to get through this right now it keeps playing back around in my head. He actually bought me some beautiful flowers yesterday and all i could say was thank you but i felt no emotion which makes me feel even worse because i feel guilty for having no emotional feeling.

AkechisPancakes Why can't i form lasting relationships with anyone?
  • replies: 2

I apologize if i rant a little, but I'm sick of just venting to myself lmao. I'm not a shy person, mostly introverted though I have good enough social skills, and and interesting personality ( at least I'd like to think...) I prefer to a have a small... View more

I apologize if i rant a little, but I'm sick of just venting to myself lmao. I'm not a shy person, mostly introverted though I have good enough social skills, and and interesting personality ( at least I'd like to think...) I prefer to a have a small group of close friends rather than a large group of people. Last year, both my best friends left my school. It's not like I don't have other friends, it's just there few and scattered amongst different friend groups. I have tried to make new friends within groups I am somewhat familiar with, but I have such a huge fear of rejection that I try to maintain a distance so I don't come off as clingy or annoying. I don't want to be a bother on others, but I want to be friends with them at the same time. I'm not sure if this is a product of my own low self-esteem, or if no wants to pay attention to me. It feels like I'm being ignored. Why would anyone want to make new friends if they have plenty already? I have a few friends who only seem to talk to me when its convenient. They will mostly ignore me if they're around people they like better. Bu tin the same sense, aren't I doing this to? Is the only reason I cling onto this relationship is because I too rely heavily on my self-image be that of not a complete social outcast? And I kinda hate myself for that. I convince myself that the only reason i seek out relationships is my only selfish pursuit of popularity. I'm scared i'm boring and not worth anyone's time, which is why no one takes notice, or tries to pursue a relationship with me despite me trying. Sometimes I think I'm not trying enough, and that if I want friends, I have to spend more time around them. But I'm so paranoid I'll get in the way, make people uncomfortable and be a general burden. I constantly flit from group to group, person to person. It sound stereotypical, but it feels like I don't belong. What makes it worse is that I know everyone in my year group from primary school, some of which were my friends. When I moved into high school, a couple of friends started distancing themselves from me, and taking the hint, I cut it off completely. I began to focus my time of my best friends, and I felt happy for a time. I know this all wont matter in a few years when I graduate high school. But it matters now and I'm worried this anxiety and low self esteem will lead to depression. I wish I wasn't so concerned with others opinion of me.

Rzhao Finally accepting my husband has a porn addiction
  • replies: 7

I’ve always known that he looks at porn every now and then, and we’ve had talks about it and then just tried to pretend it isn’t a thing. This worked and we would be able to live our lives as if it wasn’t a thing for periods at a time. Then the probl... View more

I’ve always known that he looks at porn every now and then, and we’ve had talks about it and then just tried to pretend it isn’t a thing. This worked and we would be able to live our lives as if it wasn’t a thing for periods at a time. Then the problem would resurface again and again. Just recently I have finally realised that it’s an actual addiction for him. He tried really hard to go without it but the longest he could go was a week, and that was a “victory” for him. I always thought he looked at it maybe once a month or less.. mainly because just after I had the baby we couldn’t have sex. But I wasn’t aware he was actually addicted and looked at it at least a few times a week all along. I’m really struggling this time, I’ve cried all night. Am I overreacting? Our baby is 6 months old too so maybe I’m just exhausted and a being irrational but I know this can’t just be in my head.. and I am not comfortable with porn in our relationship. my husband has always said he isn’t proud of it either. And he wants to stop using it. But after saying this so many times it doesn’t mean much to me.. I’m starting to just think he just says that like an addict. I’m so confused because he genuinely seems to feel so bad about it and understand that it negatively affects me and our marriage. Yet he continues or use it. Is it suggestive of how much he values us? Because he’s willing to continue harming our relationship?

DamagedPrincess Am i doing the right thing?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I haven't posted in a while because things were going really well, but there is obviously a reason that I'm back. Stress at work started to get on top of me, i wasn't handling change well and my anxiety and depression have come creeping back ... View more

Hi all, I haven't posted in a while because things were going really well, but there is obviously a reason that I'm back. Stress at work started to get on top of me, i wasn't handling change well and my anxiety and depression have come creeping back up. The workplace is changing a lot and i don't deal well with change and i have been able to recognise this and plan on returning to seeing my psychologist as soon as there is availability. However this is not the reason I'm on the forum. A little background first. My Mum has always had a drug problem. This affected myself and my brothers over the years and has seen our family fall apart many times, both immediate and extended. Mum has always smoked cigarettes and green. She would occasionally use something a little heavier and when she did she was normally open about it and let me know in case anything happened. About 18 months ago i found out she had something EVEN HEAVIER in the house while I was at her house for a party and i lost it at her. I couldn't believe she would bring something like that into the house after everything she's/we've been through she said it was a one time thing and i thought that was the end of it. However, over the last day or so i have found out that she is still using the drug and has been for the last 12 months or so. The drug is heavy and highly addictive and due to its popularity at the moment is cheap and easy to get, thus her habit has gradually gotten worse and worse and she is now spending $250 + a week on it. She doesn't work but my step dad does. He works his ass off for everything they have and they constantly argue about money. He doesn't know she's on the stuff and I feel incredibly bad for him because they always have no money and he doesn't know why. One day while at work he went to get money out of the bank but it said the balance was $0 and was told that 'oh a bill must have come out' - which is a go to excuse. I found this all out from family so she doesn't know that I know. I don't want to involve them so i want to find proof of what she is doing and confront her and tell her she needs to tell my step dad or i will. I want to help her but I'm so worried about the outcome. Something needs to be done and if i don't handle it who will. I have all of this weight on my shoulders and I'm so sick of this stuff happening. If my Mum doesn't pull her head in i'm worried she wont be there for her future grandchildren or around much longer at all. Am i doing the right thing?

Loststriver Damaged by an alcoholic father - Am I crazy or sane?
  • replies: 2

Hello all, and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'll start off by saying that I am a young adult of an alcoholic father. From the age of 21 on wards, I have lived with a mentally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father. The type of fat... View more

Hello all, and thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'll start off by saying that I am a young adult of an alcoholic father. From the age of 21 on wards, I have lived with a mentally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father. The type of father that would torture you and play on your emotions and thoughts constantly. In the past, I remember coming home from work one day, to find him intoxicated and violent against my mother and brother. I remember seeing him try to kill my mother and my brother was there trying to fend him off. He would often try and do these things as well as trying to drive his car whilst under the influence. My father has even tried to commit suicide at one point, as a desperate plea to gain, what I think to be, a form of attention. Seeing him was the darkest sight I've ever seen in my life. I feel as if all the abuse I have tolerated from him over the years has carried over into my adulthood (I am 26 at the time of posting this) and has damaged me beyond repair. I feel a lot of resentment and hatred towards him. My emotions are basically non-existent, in most aspects of my life. My brain feels like it was been rewired to that of a non normal person. I have noticed some traits that have developed in me that were never there, such as perfectionism, difficulties with intimacy, trouble with starting something and finishing it, fear of losing control, the list goes on. I've even begun to think disgusting thoughts such as "maybe my father would be better off dead." I have even begun to not trust my own thoughts about everything in my life, such as my studies at the moment, my friends, my future, whether what I'm doing or thinking is right or wrong. I feel like I can't distinguish from what is normal thoughts to those that evil. I just feel like a damaged, lost, confused, tormented soul that's roaming the earth, trying to make the best for himself and my future in any way possible. I have a constant need to improve myself in everything, all the time, and it's driving me insane. I have tried services such as eheadspace online chat as well as beyond blue chat and everything points to me going to see a Psychologist or perhaps even Psychotherapy. Would seeing a Psychologist be the right step for me? Any guidance would be great. Thank you.