Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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karinas how to deal with the impact of a narcissistic relative
  • replies: 3

I have an older sibling who has always been very controlling and dominant. However, I've always managed to deal with it until several months ago. A family issue came up and his verbal attack and accusations were a total surprise. He blatantly lied an... View more

I have an older sibling who has always been very controlling and dominant. However, I've always managed to deal with it until several months ago. A family issue came up and his verbal attack and accusations were a total surprise. He blatantly lied and accused me of doing things that were totally unfounded. I feel this was done to try to absolve himself of responsibility for the part he played in the family crisis.

belleraphonious Can't figure out why it ended, why she chose someone else when she 'cares so much about me'
  • replies: 9

She (25/f) and I (33/m) met online, went on a date. Was brilliant, made out a LOT, heaps of chemistry. Agreed to 2nd date. Few days later she said she wanted to break it off as she was feeling overwhelmed, she'd already invested heavily in me, I was ... View more

She (25/f) and I (33/m) met online, went on a date. Was brilliant, made out a LOT, heaps of chemistry. Agreed to 2nd date. Few days later she said she wanted to break it off as she was feeling overwhelmed, she'd already invested heavily in me, I was magnetic but had concerns over our different age/education etc. I accepted it. 2 weeks later she messaged, regretted her decision, could we see each other? We met, agreed to try again. Was going really well, seemed VERY into me, said whilst she still had concerns she wanted to see where it went. Next date: lots of cuddles & romantic kissing. Next we were at her place, she fell asleep and woke up in my arms. She didn't freak out per say but was very surprised, said it was very rare for her to do that. She has in the past said things like romantic songs make her sad, it's easier for her to mock love/romance than feel it, and mocked my romantic tendencies. Later she said she can suffer from anxiety. Later seemed standoffish, said her next month was really busy. Seemed to be backing off so I asked if she wanted to keep seeing each other, wasn't sure what she wanted. She said due to life stress she wanted to end it. She said she'd 'definitely' get back in touch when things calmed down. 2 weeks later we chatted online. Seemed standoffish then got back to pretty much normal. Said a few times she was still busy and stressed, no time for things without being specific. 2 weeks later we chatted, she said she didn't want anything romantically from anyone, couldn't take any relationship seriously. 2 weeks later she facebook unfriended me, said was just a trim, still fine to chat. She's now in a relationship with someone else. Before I knew that we had a chat. I accepted I was contacting her too much, had to back off. She initially just said 'all the best' ('goodbye'). I said I wasn't saying goodbye. She said I was a gem, really appreciated me, really did wish me all the best. I asked for clarity: where were we leaving it, that 'non permanent distance' worked best for me, ultimately up to her. She agreed with non permanent distance, that 'drawing a line with me' was hard because she 'cares about me so much'. We agreed she will be the one to re-initiate contact. I don't understand. When she ended it she had life stress --> didn't want to see anyone --> chose someone other than me. Why? Why say 'goodbye, but this is hard because I care about you so much'? Why say goodbye, and does she actually care?

brookeS Long distance relationship ended unexpectedly with no reason.
  • replies: 2

Hello, 3 weeks ago my long distance relationship ended. The last time I saw him was in March, I thought everything had been okay since then. Until he decided to end it with a call while he was at a bar hours from his house and when I was 2 hours away... View more

Hello, 3 weeks ago my long distance relationship ended. The last time I saw him was in March, I thought everything had been okay since then. Until he decided to end it with a call while he was at a bar hours from his house and when I was 2 hours away from training for my new job. I cannot seem to think positively and my anxiety has come back, no eating, no sleeping, waking in the middle of the night, feeling nauseous. He's a very honest man and I have asked if there is somebody else, but he continues to reassure me there isn't and I believe him. I spent all day today in bed, finally being able to sleep but I just can't stop myself from crying. I have been okay up until the last week, it's almost like a delayed realisation that everything is over. I spent the first 2 weeks asking question after question, hoping for answers, asking him for another chance (even though I apparently did nothing wrong), and I've gotten nothing. So I have ceased all contact with him and tried to stay away from viewing his social media. Friends have been supportive, but others have made me feel bad for talking about it and being so upset over it. I just feel like I'm falling down a black hole and it's getting harder and harder to get out of it. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? (also, we were planning on closing the distance at the end of this year) Thank you, B.

AtlantaGeorgia My partners family is effecting my relationship with myself and my partner.
  • replies: 10

My partner and I have been together for over 3 years we are 18/21. My boyfriend has 4 older sisters and a very conservative mother who is very much still in the old way of living (homemaker, cooking and not paying the bills, women cant do things mind... View more

My partner and I have been together for over 3 years we are 18/21. My boyfriend has 4 older sisters and a very conservative mother who is very much still in the old way of living (homemaker, cooking and not paying the bills, women cant do things mindset). Last year his father died unexpectedly. Since then i have done months of shopping for them every weekend, cooking, laundry, lifts to and from airport, and basically lived with them for the better part of six months at 17 and my family wanted me home as well. They are clearly still hurting but now i am spending time with my family and my partner stays at mine half of the time as we have a dog together that his family calls "it" and are mean to, so now when we go to his house i feel like i cant take my dog without 4 women telling me off for our dog. They also make comments behind my back saying that i should be helping on thier property and be there more but I feel like I walk into a battlefield of judgement for people i have only ever loved and supported. I feel like they see me as "the person taking away their brother/son" but he is 21 and they are 25+. I am still in high school and work a lot and they make me feel that i am not good enough. I now feel sick whenever I go there and wait for the looks and the small comments they make about my family to what think is to deter us from leaving them. They have already lost a sister and daughter due to the mothers "disowning" of her same sex relationship, we are very close and she understands my feelings more then anyone and she has told me they will always expect more. I feel terrible for my boyfriend, I refuse to be the partner to "take" their boy away but we are in a relationship and i am only 18 and want to be with my family as well. I constanlty ask myslef and my boyfriend what could i have done better i don't feel good enough and he reassures me that i am perfect but its very hard walking into a house with all eyes on you for not being there every second of everyday.

jimmy16 Long Term Relationship Ending, Seeking Help
  • replies: 5

Hi, This is the first time i have posted on here and the first time i have really ever shared anything with anyone other than my partner. I am early 30's & have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for just over 6 years (lived together... View more

Hi, This is the first time i have posted on here and the first time i have really ever shared anything with anyone other than my partner. I am early 30's & have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for just over 6 years (lived together for 5). The time together has been better than average, hardly any fighting & we always talk about how we feel. She recently moved about 4 hours away from were we live to further her career. She has always been very career orientated so i fully understood why she had to leave.Things were good for the first few months, i would visit her on weekends and she would visit me. I have always put everything i have into making our relationship work and because she has moved and started a new job in a new place it's hard for her to reciprocate this effort. I started to put things in place to move down to her and find a new job to make it easier on us both. Then she told me the relationship was not working and she didn't want to be with me anymore because she feels it's unfair to me and her career is the most important thing at the moment. We are best friends and have decided to end it in a couple of months to work through things together and remain friends, plus our families our very close and think we would be together for ever. it has been about a month since we decided to call it off and lately i have been really struggling to deal with it all, in my mind there was no doubt she was the one i wanted to be with forever & i thought she felt the same. I fully trust her but i have been cheated on in the past and my mind keeps reverting to her being unfaithful, she is renting a room off a guy in his 30's who owns the house she is living in. When i have been down to visit her we stay in other accommodation because she says she feels uncomfortable and awkward to bring another guy to her place of rent when the other guy that lives there actually owns the house and sort of makes all the rules. This particular situation does not sit with me very well and i feel as though she's hiding me or something from me. She assures me this is not the case and she is 100% the most trust worthy person i know i just cant get this out of my head. This is just one example of how my mind spirals out of control and i constantly feel there must be more to this than she is telling me. She is a really kind, caring person and i don't want to lose her but i know i have to let her go. I have no idea where to go from here and just really need some help

Ironman Separation and depression
  • replies: 5

Good evening, my first post please bear with me. I have been married to a wonderful lady for 20 years. She unfortunately suffers with depression. For the last 5 years our marriage has also survived alcohol abuse/health issues. Our marriage has surviv... View more

Good evening, my first post please bear with me. I have been married to a wonderful lady for 20 years. She unfortunately suffers with depression. For the last 5 years our marriage has also survived alcohol abuse/health issues. Our marriage has survived and I felt the last 12 months (being sober) has been the most wonderful year of our marriage. We have 3 beautiful children and enjoy a very lucky life. There you have the context. there have been rocky times as my wife has suffered including one brief separation 10 years ago. We often go through stages where she will be suffering for weeks/months and close down to me but eventually ask me to hold her and we move on.I also suffer from childhood abuse, we have always supported each other, she has ‘healed’ me ‘ and I would support her through anything. I know she has been suffering badly recently including increased meds. she recently went overseas with my daughter and prior to going confided that she didn’t want to go as I wasn’t there and she would miss me. The first message from OS included the usual love iou and miss you but gradually the tone subdued. When she got home her mood has been distant for the last month and I assumed it was the usual pattern and eventually I would be able to pick her up again. monday morning was different as she advised me that she has not loved me for 10 years and I was to leave, within hours I had a settlement request from her lawyer. She has always has episodes of you don’t make me happy any more but after 24/48 hours floods of tears and apologies for her state of mind. This is a relationship that has continued to show affection and caring for each enough. I was bought an expensive anniversary present 6 weeks ago with a card outlining never ending love. We were also due to travel together next week which she was looking forward to us getting away. I am confused and devastated as are our children. I would do anything for my wife who is the kindest most beautiful human I have met. The past week however she has been so cold and hurtful I just don’t know who she is ( including calling my best friend to tell him how happy she is now) After all these years I thought I had been through every one of her emotions but this seems final. If this actually gave her peace and happiness I would gladly let her, thaat’s What you do to partners you love. Simple question , is this an unusual case and if I I assume my marriage is over what can I do that is best for her.

T67 My friend told others about my mental health problems
  • replies: 6

So I have recently started to see someone about my mild depression and anxiety. I spoke to a close friend who I thought would understand as she also has mental health issues . I found out today that she has told 3 other friends without my consent. Th... View more

So I have recently started to see someone about my mild depression and anxiety. I spoke to a close friend who I thought would understand as she also has mental health issues . I found out today that she has told 3 other friends without my consent. This is all new to me and I'm not ready to tell everyone. I feel sick . What do I do here ?

Chillimax Need advice
  • replies: 2

A bit of a long story. About 8 weeks ago my sons partner rang to say that my son has a substance abuse issue that has been going on for two years. He was extremely upset and wanted to let us know what was going on. As they live in another city, my hu... View more

A bit of a long story. About 8 weeks ago my sons partner rang to say that my son has a substance abuse issue that has been going on for two years. He was extremely upset and wanted to let us know what was going on. As they live in another city, my husband and I flew down immediately to see the situation for ourselves. As there relationship has not been good for awhile, which our son has kept us informed of, and his partner is not the most reliable source of info, we thought it best to see for ourselves. After numerous phone calls from our sons partner, worried our son would find out he had told us about our sons supposed drug issues, we arrived at our destination. Our sons partner was going to pick us up at the airport but last minute change to plans meant he couldn’t. Still received texts from him worried the info would get back to our son. I assured him I would tell our son it was a surprise visit and we would not let on. After spending four days with our son, who holds a full time demanding job, and has just had a promotion, he also teaches gym classes four times a week, and has a personal trainer, he looks well, sounds great, keeps eye contact, has no mood swings, etc. we find it difficult to see that he has a problem without asking him outright. On our last night we had dinner with our son and his partner. His partner at no stage tried to take us aside and speak to us and we have not heard a word from him since the original calls. We decided not to tell our son as we didn’t want him to feel any pressure from us, and we didn’t want to cause any more problems with his relationship. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and am feeling the pressure of a twofold problem. I feel terrible lying to our son. Should we tell him the truth about what his partner has said? And should we ask him if he has any issues? I have tried not to bury my head in the sand and look for all the usual signs of trouble with susbtance abuse. My sister has also seen our son twice since and says he seems fine. She has at times worked in an industry that deals with people who have substance abuse problems. Not sure what to do.

Freddo45 Lost and alone
  • replies: 3

I don't want to go into too much detail but basically my marriage has hit a very rocky patch, I've done some things I'm not proud of and my wife says she wants a divorce. I'm from overseas so don't have family here. Plus my social life has pretty muc... View more

I don't want to go into too much detail but basically my marriage has hit a very rocky patch, I've done some things I'm not proud of and my wife says she wants a divorce. I'm from overseas so don't have family here. Plus my social life has pretty much revolved around my wife and her family so I don't really have friends here to turn to. It's Friday evening and I feel I'm gazing at a blank weekend which will be filled with either sitting on the bed in our spare room or going for walks with only self recrimination and misery for company. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways to get through this?

Player1 Partner with depression has left me
  • replies: 4

Hi, My partner (ex), lost her Mum to a rare illness close to 2 years ago now. She's the type to just bottle all feelings up and not deal with it. Eventually as the months past, I noticed her hiding it. She always felt vulnerable around me and hated i... View more

Hi, My partner (ex), lost her Mum to a rare illness close to 2 years ago now. She's the type to just bottle all feelings up and not deal with it. Eventually as the months past, I noticed her hiding it. She always felt vulnerable around me and hated it because she could tell me anything and would. This April was her mums birthday and it really hit her harder than ever. I have never seen her in such a state and I worried so much. She was so bad, mentioned so much stuff and even dark stuff. I asked if she was considering doing something and she said she wouldn't as her Grandma and Dad needs her. I forgot to mention her Grandad died a year after her mum passed, plus losing 2 or 3 friends, I believe the other was cancer. She finally started to see a specialist to get help. She found a place to be at peace on the weekends so I gave her that space to help. Sunday night, I receive a text message which was out of the blue. I'm happy to share the message as I think it's quite dark. Maybe it's just me. Of course i'm totally gutted, I love the girl with all my heart and was by her side this whole time and would never have left her, especially in this state. The week before I received the text, we seemed to be getting closer, she was sending more messages, warmer ones, with kisses etc. Now i'm 35 so I'm not a kid but it was easy to see her mood in texts. Anyway this is the message... 'I believe it will be best if we do not see each other any longer. I have tried to find happiness in myself and i cannot find it. I cannot be a burden on you any longer. I am not the person that I was and i don't know if i ever will be again. I have been the cause of pain for too long now and that is not something you deserve. You deserve to be happy. I do not believe that I am that happiness and I do not deserve your kindness. I am truly sorry for everything that I have put you through. All i ask is that you understand and know that i am truly and utterly sorry for everything.' It seems she has cut me out of her life over the past few days. I did call after the message and she answered, I asked if it's what she wanted and she couldn't even answer, just said it's best for me. I have approached a family member as they are not aware of her mental health. I have asked to use discretion on approaching her. I am so lost, I know she thinks this is better for me, but the way she has cut me out is just not right.