Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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auschic Everytime I speak up I regret it
  • replies: 3

Most of my life I kept things to myself. I dealt with alot of pain and negative emotions by myself. I dont know why this is, maybe its because my family was not the 'emotional' type. We never talked about feelings or any of that stuff everything was ... View more

Most of my life I kept things to myself. I dealt with alot of pain and negative emotions by myself. I dont know why this is, maybe its because my family was not the 'emotional' type. We never talked about feelings or any of that stuff everything was very strict. When i met my bf of 3 years he noticed i didnt express my feelings much and of course being in a serious relationship communication is important. He always told me that i can tell him how i feel no matter what, even if its bad and he will listen. This made me trust him over time of course and i had definitely came out of my shell more and able to freely express myself over the 3 years weve been together. However he sometimes goes against what he said to me and it messes with my head. Last night he did something that annoyed me and i called him out on it he said sorry but i was still annoyed in the moment (i believe i have a right to be annoyed). I walked off and started hanging some clothes out and he asked what was wrong, i said i was still annoyed. He told me i was being dramatic, over sensitive and that i should get over it. i got more upset at this because its like he just invalidated what im feeling because he didnt deem it appropriate. I mean when his annoyed and needs 5 mins to calm down i respect that and dont question it. I just dont get why he would say i can express myself and then do this. It makes me not want to say anything at all. I explained this whole thing to him and he said that im making him out to be a bad guy when literaly all im saying is that he shouldnt invalidate my emotions by saying im being over dramatic... this makes me feel guilty. By the way his reasoning for saying i was being dramatic was because i told him i was annoyed when i went to hang the clothes out. According to him, if i told him i was annoyed straight away (30 secs prior) he would have respected it. I explained how this is upsetting me cos he cant expect me to be perfect, whether i say it straight away or 1 minite later it doesnt change how i feel. I just knew i should of said nothing at all. This is why id rather not tell people how i feel.

Needingadvice2018 confused. whats more important.?
  • replies: 11

Hello, first time posting but needed to find a safe place. Ill try to keep it simple and short. me: two kids (8&12) live with me, see dad fortnight weekends (court ordered). marriage ended due to DV and Ive finally recovered to the place where I am a... View more

Hello, first time posting but needed to find a safe place. Ill try to keep it simple and short. me: two kids (8&12) live with me, see dad fortnight weekends (court ordered). marriage ended due to DV and Ive finally recovered to the place where I am almost back to normal functioning (or whatever that may be). him: two kids (9&11)4.5 yr relationship. shares kids 50/50 with his ex - not court ordered just mutually agreed. us: together 5 years, had child together who is now 2years old. Lived in or own places first 3.5years, then moved in together before baby was born, this resulted in his kids living primarily with mum during the week and weekends with us and then approx 70/30split with school holidays (to us for longer time). Ex wife and kids started having problems with the arrangement about 9 months ago, kids wanted dad closer to them. our houses are 2 hours apart. Dad ended up moving back to where older kids were. Our relationship continued, albeit difficult as I feel like a single mum to 3 kids and miss him consistently. We are struggling with not seeing each other, he misses our youngest and my kids miss him terribly also. I am currently in a position where I feel happy and building confidence again. seeing a psychologist for best part of last 7 years and dealing with what the medical field label PTSD from my first relationship. I am so so scared of loosing the most wonderful man in my life, and we both are really upset and confused as to what we need to do or more importantly whats more important in our lives at the moment. I can not move to where he lives currently, I am finally settled with kids, schooling, working, study, and have a huge extended support crew and family close by who I see almost daily. The thought of moving to where he lives terrifies me, its like history coming alive and I know I cant go back to that mental state again. Its very close to where my ex lives. He on the other hand doesn't want to leave where he is because of his older kids and now blames me for not just moving myself and the 3 kids to where he is. I don't know how to explain to him why Im so scared. Ive tried but he thinks its just excuses. I wish it was. We want to be together but it feels like we live separate lives and everyone is suffering (except his kids as they are happy with the week at dads and week at mums). I guess Im after any advice anyone has, how to deal with emotions, its like i live fifo when we see each other weekends. Im just lost.confused.

Guest_920 Feeling rejected after years of dating
  • replies: 4

I thought it would be good to post and ask you guys for some help as I'm a little unsure what to do now. I'm a 27 year old female and have done almost 4 years of online dating whilst also going to meetup groups. I was in a serious relationship for tw... View more

I thought it would be good to post and ask you guys for some help as I'm a little unsure what to do now. I'm a 27 year old female and have done almost 4 years of online dating whilst also going to meetup groups. I was in a serious relationship for two years up until I was 24. It ended quiet badly (being cheated on) and I do feel ever since then I struggled with dating. I guess in the past four years I thought I would be in a relationship by now or at least have dated someone seriously rather than just flings. I have been on so many online dates I have lost track and rarely go on second dates. Sometimes they will ask me on a second, only then to seem not interested or will cancel. The online dating has become a bit of an addiction for me as I feel I get excited about the possibility of meeting someone new and am hopeful of a different outcome everytime (but it doesn't seem to happen). During this time I feel my depression has come back and I find it challenging not to worry about my lack of love life. I have lost alot of friendships over talking about dating frustrations with friends and problems I'm experiencing (which does make me feel more lonely than before). I have invested so much time into this that I feel I have lost the essence of who I am and what makes me interesting. Putting so much time into something with lack of results and leaving me feeling unconfident. More about who I am, I have grown up in a lovely family and am grateful for everything I have. I am bubbly, friendly and love to have a laugh. I do get down from time to time though and when people see this side they tend to back away and make reasons for not being able to talk or hangout. I do understand it would be frustrating to see a friend go through the same cycles over and over again, and can be hard to know how to respond. I guess I don't know whether I should just accept I may not find a relationship at this point. Would love to hear any similar situations or advice that could help. Thanks so much! I'm feeling very rejected from the whole experience. Don't get my wrong I have had some really lovely dates but I'm wanting more at this point.

FrankWhite Alienation from all family and friends
  • replies: 5

Hi there. I've decided to post in this thread as my wife and I really have nobody else to turn to. I went into a depressive, recluse state over the last year, of which resulted in me deleting social media (and subsequently losing all of my friends du... View more

Hi there. I've decided to post in this thread as my wife and I really have nobody else to turn to. I went into a depressive, recluse state over the last year, of which resulted in me deleting social media (and subsequently losing all of my friends due to this - what an amazing time we live in!). My wife was my full support system throughout this time, despite the fact that she suffers from multiple illnesses, one of which being bipolar disorder. She could see the warning signs and approached my "best friend" to communicate with me as nobody else would. Her messages to him were of a great concern, as I've seen them since. He then came into my workplace, tried to convince me to divorce her, and then days later couldn't understand why I was upset and wouldn't acknowledge that he'd done anything wrong. This same friend had my support throughout a LOT of questionable decisions and his own battles (to which I constantly rushed to his aide), but he showed no concern when I was battling depression. I've not spoken to him for four months and don't intend to, yet in this time, he appears to have convinced every one of our mutual friends that we're in the wrong and bad people. We've stayed completely silent as we don't want any part of rumours and nonsense. Also in this time, I recovered thanks to my wife's support, and have since left my job to help tend to her and help care for her. Since doing this, I've lost all of my friends (to which I believe deleting social media is a big part). My family and my wife's family exclude both my wife and I, and we could honestly be dead in our home and nobody would notice. Please know that we don't intentionally alienate our families. Quite the contrary. We visit them all around once a week. In the last 6 months, we have also adopted a more minimalistic approach to life and have given a lot of our possessions to our nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, etc. We've also told them to not feel bad if they don't want them, and to just donate them to the Salvation Army, of which we also do very frequently. We also support our local dog's home and make up care packages for them. My point is, I don't think we're bad people. But we live within 10km of all of our family (I can see my brother's house from where we live), yet people only ever contact us if they need anything. No phone calls. No popping-in. Nothing. My wife's birthday is this week, and nobody even knows. I'm exhausted of putting in the effort with people. Any thoughts?

KC_xo I don’t know what to do anymore I’m so lost
  • replies: 4

... I can’t even write a post cause I am so messed up. so many mistake so many regrets I always make when will I ever learn im just always sad to the point I hate having to wake up and live a normal day qhen does life ever get easy when do I get to b... View more

... I can’t even write a post cause I am so messed up. so many mistake so many regrets I always make when will I ever learn im just always sad to the point I hate having to wake up and live a normal day qhen does life ever get easy when do I get to be happy when do I get to be treated as a human being i don’t know what I’m doing wrong that I get treated so badly i really really hate myself

LeeA18 Obsessive thinking
  • replies: 3

Hi my relationships broke up 3 months ago. Due to his depression/anxiety apparently. I say apparently due to me seeing a text and photos he created that I saw on the day he broke up with me to another woman. Since then, I am obsessively thinking abou... View more

Hi my relationships broke up 3 months ago. Due to his depression/anxiety apparently. I say apparently due to me seeing a text and photos he created that I saw on the day he broke up with me to another woman. Since then, I am obsessively thinking about the relationship, him and what I saw. I approached him about the text I saw and he explained himself but then he blocked me on social media. That was 2 weeks ago. So I have been hurt a few times since the break up. I just feel like there is something wrong with me. How do I stop thinking about it 24/7. I wake up during the night thinking about it. I have depression and anxiety and on anti-depressants. I am seeing my psych this week where I will tell him. It is just driving me crazy.

Always_a_Mum The Great Divide
  • replies: 1

I am a mum to one daughter, who is now 30 yrs old with 2 sons (6 and 4). My daughter has declined into smoking dope, shopping around for prescription drugs and has now been taking illicit drugs. She was raided by police and is now on a 6 mth good beh... View more

I am a mum to one daughter, who is now 30 yrs old with 2 sons (6 and 4). My daughter has declined into smoking dope, shopping around for prescription drugs and has now been taking illicit drugs. She was raided by police and is now on a 6 mth good behaviour bond. Her partner and father of the boys has enabled her habit, but has had a wakeup call and speaks with me freely and honestly. My daughter on the other hand will not. I called her out on the lies she told me over the phone – I became very upset as this was the day I found out she had been taking illicit drugs (I also told her the state of her house was absolutely disgusting, which it is) – she became very defensive and later left me a message to say this is the last time I would hear her voice, as “I never support her”. Unfortunately now, her father (we divorced some 12 years ago) borderline alcoholic, who has married a much younger woman who is also into drugs, has communicated to advise our daughter that she is to have no contact with his wife. He has brought me into his text message several times – which give the impression we have conspired or ganged up against her. As my daughter will not speak to me, I am unable to explain that I had no input to the message from her father and was unaware he was going to include me. Her children were sent to their father’s parents for 6 weeks, while she and her partner tidied up their act and their home. The boys are now home, and I would have to say I am a little worried about them. DOCS have also been involved, but only to the point of visiting the older boy’s school How do I move to mend this relationship with a super defensive daughter. I miss her very much.

PamelaR Supporting partner with anxiety and depression through grief
  • replies: 4

Hi all It's been 10 days or more since I've posted in the forums. I've just travelled interstate by car for a funeral for one of my partner's family members. What can I say. It was exhausting, the travel, the sleepless nights in strange places, the f... View more

Hi all It's been 10 days or more since I've posted in the forums. I've just travelled interstate by car for a funeral for one of my partner's family members. What can I say. It was exhausting, the travel, the sleepless nights in strange places, the funeral, the unexpressed emotions by my partner and his family. While I love my partner and his family dearly, they have difficulties expressing how they feel. This ultimately culminates in my hubby and I having 'hissy fits' with one another. Driving and living 24/7 with my partner during this time drove me nuts. I want to scream, yell, curse, do a dummy spit, pull my hair out. It's excruciating, but I'm getting through it. Home now and my cats, once they'd forgiven us, are my stabilisers. Hubby has gone off on his own - peace, quiet and ability to do my own thing. Hmmmm...... I sound terribly unsupportive don't I? Well, this is not quite right. He's had my undivided attention, much talking, much love. Just need a little space to breath and do what I want to. Now to let go of my own grief. I've known the person (let's say A) for over 30 years. Since I met my hubby and went to family get togethers. Many diners we had. Such a lovely soul, who'd do anything for you, whose life was good. Rest in peace A. Thoughts go with you. I have a pain in my chest that won't leave me at the moment, think it's only anxiety from all the upheaval of the past 2 weeks. I just need rest and time out for myself I think. Supporting others when you have your own mental health issues is difficult. It's so important to take care of yourself too. Does anyone have any experiences they'd like to share here? Feel free to do so. PamelaR

Guest_1050 Sabotaging a new friendship
  • replies: 2

I met a woman at my workplace who is a visiting psychologist. I'm female & a couple of years older than her, she is single. Some months ago she suggested we meet for coffee. I never took her up on the offer until about 4 weeks ago when I suggested we... View more

I met a woman at my workplace who is a visiting psychologist. I'm female & a couple of years older than her, she is single. Some months ago she suggested we meet for coffee. I never took her up on the offer until about 4 weeks ago when I suggested we meet outside of work. I should preface this by saying that I am very happily married & this is not a romantic attraction. She arranged for us to have a night out & we went out for drinks on the weekend. It was a great night where we spent about 4 hours just talking & getting to know each other. It turns out we have a lot in common & we clicked straight away. After that night we sent the occasional friendly text and I suggested we go out for the day on the next weekend. We had the most brilliant day and both commented on how much we enjoyed each other's company. I'm a highly anxious person but usually keep it fairly under wraps and don't often let the outside world see it. After we spent this day together and I enjoyed it so much, I continued to text her on the days after and would only continue to text if she replied. In her texts she told me how blessed she feels to have met me. We were both on holidays for the next 2 weeks & I'd often send her a text & ask her if she wanted to meet up. She'd been helping a friend with her house and often wouldn't text back until the night & be apologetic that we couldn't meet. I like this person so much - she is fun, a great listener, positive & just someone I want to be around & have as a really good friend. Unfortunately I think I have pushed myself on her too fast and too quickly. I am usually the one to initiate texts and my recent offers of getting together have been turned down with legitimate reasons. Last week when I saw her at work I felt like she was blowing me off and this has made my anxiety go through the roof and caused me to overthink everything. She has told me in texts not to overthink everything and that we are fine. I really want to spend more time with her but don't want to come across as needy and clingy. How can I continue to develop this new friendship without seeming desperate? It's never been in my nature to be patient and wait to be contacted by the other person. I really thought she was keen for this friendship too but now I'm not so sure and I don't know how to proceed. My thoughts are further complicated by the fact she is a psychologist and this affects my responses too as I worry she thinks I am crazy!

LH1990 Hello
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time poster here. I don’t know if I have anxiety, just stressed or an issue. I am 28 years old and what I worry about seems so stupid. my partner has been given notice of redundancy (2nd time in 2 years) due to company administration and it... View more

Hi, first time poster here. I don’t know if I have anxiety, just stressed or an issue. I am 28 years old and what I worry about seems so stupid. my partner has been given notice of redundancy (2nd time in 2 years) due to company administration and it has sent my stress levels through the roof on how are we going to get through and money worries. I know this is normal but I can’t turn off we are engaged to be married and I can’t see us been able to afford it so I feel like cancelling the whole thing (it is in 2020) but still worries me, I am thinking what if we have a kid it would be even more stressful. I also have this strong feeling of I have no friends / people don’t like me. I.e his mum I feel she favours his brothers wife and also his brother over us and we are just left out. Example when his brother went away she would pop over 3 times a week to see the gf but I doubt she will even contact me. I also worry that people just find me annoying or needy etc and I have to be liked. i am looking for ways to cope with this and get better control. I currently go go to the gym, I speak to my mum about it, I have a dog who is a huge comfort it is just all me.