Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Peppa62 10yr relationship over?
  • replies: 8

Seeking advice ... my partner (M27) and I (F27) have been together for 10yrs. We took a break briefly last year as I found out something about him that hurt me and needed space. We are now together again and trying to work through things . However a ... View more

Seeking advice ... my partner (M27) and I (F27) have been together for 10yrs. We took a break briefly last year as I found out something about him that hurt me and needed space. We are now together again and trying to work through things . However a recent/new issue is him and his work mates. I have never met them and he doesn’t want me at events where I might. Eg. work Xmas party, nights out ect. In a recent argument he said he didn’t want to be the guy that always has his gf in tow. This really hurt and made me feel like he’s ashamed of me or embarrassed to be with me. His going out with the ‘boys’ is a recent thing but every known and again I would like to be included/ meet the people he is friends with. Or with all that’s happened recently am I just beating a dead horse... is this relationship over? I’m not sure where to proceed or how to bring it up without him getting defensive . Please help I feel very lost

Aawwk Hi kinda stuck
  • replies: 2

I don’t want to break community rules but I fee trapt in a situation and don’t know what to do , I am divorced with children me and there mum get on , anyway whilst overseas a mistake happened and now I’m expecting a baby in another country , she wan... View more

I don’t want to break community rules but I fee trapt in a situation and don’t know what to do , I am divorced with children me and there mum get on , anyway whilst overseas a mistake happened and now I’m expecting a baby in another country , she wants me to move there etc but I can’t I don’t want to leave my kids and I doubt there mom would let me take them anyway and I’m set up here with work etc , but I can’t bring myself knowing I’m not going to be part of the baby’s life , it’s killing me

Harps70 Separated from grandchildren
  • replies: 2

I have always been extremely close with my daughter until recently. Due to me voicing my opinion about feeling being used I now have no contact with my daughter and now my grand children. How does one move on from this and still function. It feels li... View more

I have always been extremely close with my daughter until recently. Due to me voicing my opinion about feeling being used I now have no contact with my daughter and now my grand children. How does one move on from this and still function. It feels like my heart is about to break, I cry all the time, don’t sleep very well and don’t really want to do anything. My husband does not understand and I feel like I am alone in this. My photos around the house are torture to look at as is my grandchildren’s bedroom that have at my home. Do I remove all of this? I tried reaching out to my daughter when this first happened but got no reply and she would not answer her phone so I will be not contacting her again. I just want the pain to stop. I miss my grandchildren so much.

Rod_T In Love With My Kid's Teacher?
  • replies: 9

So I have 2 disabled children that attend primary school and one of their teachers is not only beautiful, but very friendly, sweet and incredible at what she does. I am have been married for 10 years and the romance and intimacy is dead. We are worki... View more

So I have 2 disabled children that attend primary school and one of their teachers is not only beautiful, but very friendly, sweet and incredible at what she does. I am have been married for 10 years and the romance and intimacy is dead. We are working on our marriage but I am doubtful of the future because I don't find her attractive anymore. What I see in the teacher is someone that attracts me but understands my disabled children and when she looks and talks to me she is always smiling and very friendly. Is the grass greener on the other side? I feel desperate for intimacy and affection that I am not getting with my wife. Thanks

court15 Feeling guilty after breakup!!
  • replies: 3

A few months ago I broke up with my same sex (female) partner, after being together for 3.5 years. We lived together and had shared bank accounts with a house deposit, over the last 12 months I fell out of love with her and started thinking about bei... View more

A few months ago I broke up with my same sex (female) partner, after being together for 3.5 years. We lived together and had shared bank accounts with a house deposit, over the last 12 months I fell out of love with her and started thinking about being with men again. I told her that we needed to break up as I wasnt in love with her I needed to be on my own to be more independent.. so we broke up, I have now moved out and we have spilt our assets. The guilt is killing me, I can't sleep, eat or even function normally. she did nothing wrong and is honestly the most kindest / loving person and if I was still in love we would still be together but unfortunately I can't help my feelings... she has told me on numerous occasions she is going to change into something I want and will wait for me .. I have told her not to but I just don't have the heart to put it blankly that I don't love her anymore and we will never be together again.. my question is how to get over this guilt - I've never hurt someone before in my life like this before...

white knight Expectations in a soul mate
  • replies: 0

We often hear it "he is my soul mate". Have you ever wanted a soul mate? What is a soul mate.? Do you need one? A soul mate from my research is a person that connects with you on all levels from trust to understanding to commitment...ultimate commitm... View more

We often hear it "he is my soul mate". Have you ever wanted a soul mate? What is a soul mate.? Do you need one? A soul mate from my research is a person that connects with you on all levels from trust to understanding to commitment...ultimate commitment. Can you have a soul mate that shares the same values as you? including having affairs eg both of you having an open relationship sexually but still having each other as soul mates? Well yes! it all depends on both of you. So sharing standards, values, interests etc - it doesn't matter how its done, as long as you both comply. In the example above both persons could have affairs or be actively involved in a swingers group but share intimate thoughts and commitment with each other and be- soul mates. I'd suggest however that that is not the norm. A soul mate in the traditional sense is a monogamous relationship as well as all the other things they share- full compatibility. Is this realistic? What percentage of people that say "we are soul mates" are that compatible? I'd suggest very few, if they searched, they would find differences however, their closeness is enough for them both to feel they are indeed soulmates as far as they are concerned....and that is all that matters. How do you find a soulmate? Well without tools to help you it is pure luck. Every date you go out with has a remote chance of that future connection and what is worse is that it is often months later that you find out your differences are too far apart for you ever to - make it. You need to narrow down the chances of meeting someone that has some chance of such success. The only way is dating apps or websites whereby you list your interests, strong points, profession, inspirations, parental status and dreams. I know it works as my daughter married a guy this way...a seemingly perfect match. Both in the teaching profession, humour, age similar and family aspirations. With the now common decision of waiting until late 30's to have children time is of the essence. Waiting for your luck to come along is not a wise move. Narrow down your chances of meeting your soul mate which will mean you are in love, have acceptable differences, accept each other, aspire for similar goals and life is bliss. But a soulmate can also include the humps and bumps as long as they don't dominate the relationship. A realistic level of contentment with a partner that you both blend into as one. TonyWK

CurlyK In a relationship with a Covert Narcissist and experiencing covert abuse - looking for support
  • replies: 5

Hi There, I'm new to this forum and desperately looking for support. I'm in a relationship with a covert narcissist and experiencing covert abuse on a daily basis. We are in couples therapy and I'm seeing a counsellor on my own but neither is helping... View more

Hi There, I'm new to this forum and desperately looking for support. I'm in a relationship with a covert narcissist and experiencing covert abuse on a daily basis. We are in couples therapy and I'm seeing a counsellor on my own but neither is helping because I don't feel like anyone really understands this abuse or even believes it is happening to me . The therapists seem to think it's something that can be corrected with better communication or understanding of my partner's own abusive history, but no matter what I try, it's like talking to a brick wall, he always plays the victim and makes everything about him. My partner will never do anything which will make him look bad, so no verbal abuse, no physical abuse but he turns our home environment into a living, toxic hell. Everyone is walking on egg shells, he provides zero emotional support, every interaction is a conflict or he turns into an argument where he is always right, it's his way or the high way, he gas lights me, twists everything I say and never listens to anything I say, essentially he wants to control me. He says he loves us, but everything about him screams that he hates us. It's even hard to put into words so it feels like I'm going crazy and whenever I call him up on it, he says that I am overreacting. None of our friends would ever believe it as he's such a nice guy to everyone else. We have two beautiful children together and I'm pregnant with my third. I have no family in this country and I feel like I couldn't leave even though I want to for practical/financial reasons as I have no one turn to or help me. He was unfaithful when I was pregnant with my last child, but yet somehow he has made this out like he is the victim and he did it because he was depressed.I have pandered to him, listened to him, been there for him, forgiven him for his infidelity and daily dark moods, always tried to do everything I could to please him and it's never enough. I have called him up on his behaviour, he admits he is a narcissist and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, but says that it's all unintentional and he wants everyone to be happy. I know I should leave, but I feel utterly trapped. Sometimes he is a good dad and he helps a lot around the house, I don't want to make things worse for my children by separating. I am seeking out a therapist who has been through this themselves as I think they are the only ones who will be able to help me. Have you been through something similar?

Lanz Dealing with a narcissistic partner
  • replies: 2

I am struggling with a partner who professionals have told me has narcissistic personality disorder plus antisocial personality traits, potentially extreme borderline, and in cluster B. My partner can get into very bad moods where he blames and criti... View more

I am struggling with a partner who professionals have told me has narcissistic personality disorder plus antisocial personality traits, potentially extreme borderline, and in cluster B. My partner can get into very bad moods where he blames and criticises me. He becomes rude, second guesses what I say, questions my reality, asks me to focus on my behaviour, tells me to take ownership over what I have done, accuses me of being a hypocrite, tells me I set a different standard for myself than others, tells me I am a liar and manipulator, tells me I gaslight him (he only knows about this term as I told him he was doing it to me once - which he was). My partner tells me there is an objective reality and that reality is not mine. Hes just asked what I am doing on my phone at 11:30pm at night and I told him I’m writing a journal. He asked further if it was about us. I said it was a private journal for me. I asked if he wanted me to leave the room and he said “yes please”. I have left to come out to the lounge. He didn’t have to face me in bed and he could have turned the other way, but he didn’t. This is in the house I own 100%. The mortgage I pay on my own 100%. He doesn’t contribute to this house. My partner has told me I am fat. He’s told me I have a poking out tummy. He tells me I interact with men in a way that leads them on. He told me my WhatsApp photo was trampish, too alluring and sultry. He’s told me I am a narcissist before because I took a pic of me with my favourite washing fabric conditioner and put it on Facebook. He sent me articles on narcissism telling me to read them as they are about me. They were screen shots. When my partner drinks he gets angry and sends me multiple text messages which talk about the past, talk about what he says I have done to him, naming the same things over and over again. The same stuff is raised over and over. He sends me emails where I am blind copied in to emails about my (falsely created by him) behaviour. He makes stuff up about me and sends me emails and texts like he is making a record of what was said and who did what, and how I am abusing him (when I am not). It’s all false. I’m out here in the lounge. I am starting to spend more time focusing on me now. Going to gym. Getting massages. Getting my nails done. Working hard at my job. Seeing my friends. . He gets angry when I don’t agree with him. Many ideas on what I can do? I’m 43 years of age. He is 47. Thanks!

Elliemaybe Not connecting with my partners family
  • replies: 11

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we're starting to look into renting a place together. He has a really close family that all live an hour away and he goes up to visit them a lot and always overnight. Every time I go with him I... View more

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we're starting to look into renting a place together. He has a really close family that all live an hour away and he goes up to visit them a lot and always overnight. Every time I go with him I dont feel like I fit in. His sisters are all older and talk a lot about their kids and jobs and people from around the town that I don't know, so I tend to sit back quietly most of the time. Recently his parents decided they're going to pay for the whole family to go on a holiday for his dad's birthday next year, but I didn't get an invite. "Married partners only" apparently I dont want a free trip I would be happy to pay, but it really hurts knowing that Im still not considered part of the family. To make it worse by that point we'll have been together over 2 years and will be living together, so I'll just be left alone at home for the week while he goes on holiday. And a few months ago my parents organised a family trip that he came to. I would have stuck up for him had he not been invited, but he wouldn't do the same for me. I'm starting to question what hope or relationship has when he's so close to a family that I just don't fit in with.

Dflyz Living in remote community isolation, can't make friends, while managing a rocky long distance relationship
  • replies: 1

Hi guys. 3 months ago I moved out to a island and into remote community of no more than 1,000 people for a particular job. This particular job I did 4 years ago in the same location but for a different operator. I ended up leaving that job after suff... View more

Hi guys. 3 months ago I moved out to a island and into remote community of no more than 1,000 people for a particular job. This particular job I did 4 years ago in the same location but for a different operator. I ended up leaving that job after suffering depression and PTSD from my employer from verbal abuse. My long term relationship of 4 years suffered during the time I was away and that fact he was too settled in his own location and made all the excuses to ever leave to be with me. So I took a 3 year break from this job and did other jobs in the meantime, until I was suffering depression again because as hard as it was before, I wanted back into this job and career. I've always struggled to make friends as I feel my personality is very different from most people due to the wide range of jobs I've done over the years compared to people from my home town. 3 months into this new location and I'm still yet to make a single friend. I'm not friends with people in the same job area as most are just in it for themselves and all they do is rant about work in spare time, I'm not one to make a crappy situation crappier by ranting. My own colleague and I don't get along as I argue the point of what is safe and what is not when she deems it to be perfectly safe/questionable. My current relationships (12 months) has been so much better than the last one as he also works in the same industry but he lives at least 5.5 hours away by aircraft. He has unfortunately had his mother (with extreme paranoia) living with him for 4 years while he was single, and after her constantly putting her son down and treating me like vermin (she's Asian, I'm Caucasian) she has driven him to the point where he wants her out of the house. The plan was to find help find her own place and move her out. Though weeks have already gone by and my bf and his mother have done nothing in their power to find a house. They're both so set in routine for so long I'm having doubts it'll change. I push for the change to happen to the point my bf tells me to back off, but I don't see it happening any other way unless (hypothetically) I get knocked up, then he has no choice. He's Mr nice guy and tries to please everyone at work and works overtime all the time. Even though I've stated he can't please everyone, and he's pushing his family away and me, I'm not sure things will get better. So I've now entered depression again crying everyday thinking, and losing trust I wont have anything to come back to.