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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Georgie_Girl Struggling to let go of the life I dreamt of
  • replies: 4

My parents had me relatively late (mum was 37, dad was 44) and that always caused me some level of stress growing up in regards to whether they would be around for my life milestones (especially as a child when my parents were the same age as my frie... View more

My parents had me relatively late (mum was 37, dad was 44) and that always caused me some level of stress growing up in regards to whether they would be around for my life milestones (especially as a child when my parents were the same age as my friends grandparents). Because of this I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted to have children in my late 20's, early 30's at the latest. For most of my life I've had the mindset that my late 20's has been the stage of my life when I would build my family. That is until my partner of 11 years left me 6 months ago and now meeting my goal of at least being married before 30 is completely impossible. I'm 28 now and I have always been of the belief that you need to spend 3-5 years with someone before marriage and on top of that I have trust and abandonment issues, so even if I met someone new today I wouldn't get married before 30. I am absolutely gutted and it feels like a huge failure. I already feel like so many parts of my life have been delayed; it took me 4.5 years to finish my 3 year university degree because of my mental health, I've never had my own place (living with my ex in a flat on his parents property is the closest I've ever come), I've struggled with crappy jobs and psychopathic bosses delaying me building my career (I've only just found a job where I'm working part to full time hours for the first time) and now I cant even say at least I have a long term relationship. So I'm 28 and further behind in life than most 20 year olds. I feel like I have spent the last 10 years working so hard to reach my goals but I am nowhere near to reaching them, so now knowing that Im not going to have kids until my mid-late 30's (if at all) just feels like more of the same crap. Also the fact that my parents had me late, and now I'm stuck with having my kids late means that they probably wont be around to see my kids grow up and that thought hurts me so much that it makes me question if I even want kids, because I so desperately want my kids to know and remember my parents, I know how painful it is to lose grandparents at a young age and dont want my kids to go through that. My entire image of my future has been totally shattered and I'm really struggling to let it go or even to hope that maybe everything will turn out for the best and I'll find myself happy anyway. I feel like my life is going to be a never ending cycle of failure and disappointment.

Ryan2021 Follow up from LDR
  • replies: 6

Well after my last post about my long distance relationship. I ended up breaking it off with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. Now I am really sad. I was madly in love with her and she was pretty.much my everything. I don't want to believe the things ... View more

Well after my last post about my long distance relationship. I ended up breaking it off with my girlfriend of almost 2 years. Now I am really sad. I was madly in love with her and she was pretty.much my everything. I don't want to believe the things I was told about her. I tried to get the information from her but she promises me she didn't cheat on me. The person who told me had no reason to lie to me and as much as I trust her, his word sounded very legit. I broke up purely on his strong warning without any reply proof of things happening. His gf is her best friend and sort of confirmed things but won't tell me as she is protecting her friendship. I had a big final talk with her Sunday night asked her heaps of questions to try and close the book and haven't spoken to her since. It is day 3, I thought I was going ok but then suddenly started thinking of her and uncontrollably crying again. It's so hard to not send her a message and see how she is. She admitted she was giving up on me and I was told she wanted it over but she seems heart broken and sad. If she had another guy like I was told, surely she could go to him for comfort? Why is she sad then? Just don't know if I made the right move. My friend said never give her another chance and if I do he will tell me more stuff about what she has been doing behind my back. I just don't want to believe she is such a bad person and I was a sucked in so bad. Missing her like crazy

LilianR Stonewalling
  • replies: 6

Hi Everyone I am new here but interested to know more about stonewalling. My husband has had a lot of experience as he has been doing it to me for as long as I can remember but at this time in my life I have reach the end of my tether with it. He bla... View more

Hi Everyone I am new here but interested to know more about stonewalling. My husband has had a lot of experience as he has been doing it to me for as long as I can remember but at this time in my life I have reach the end of my tether with it. He blames me for him doing it, and actually says I am the one who starts it so I am wondering how others have coped with the silent treatment over & over again, sometimes just for a few hours but mostly for a lot longer, sometimes even weeks.....I find now that I don't try to talk to him when he is like this as it goes nowhere, I just have to ride it out until he decides to start talking...

Mr K Amicable separation but why is it always on their terms?
  • replies: 3

Some background: Separated initiated by wife for well over a year now. 50/50 shared care of two children both under 10 I'm still paying half mortgage, half rates, childcare as well as my own rent and living expenses. Life on a day to day basis is rel... View more

Some background: Separated initiated by wife for well over a year now. 50/50 shared care of two children both under 10 I'm still paying half mortgage, half rates, childcare as well as my own rent and living expenses. Life on a day to day basis is relatively good, I still have my job, I'm not being subjected to constant gas-lighting and I'm trying my utmost to build a new happy life myself and most importantly my children. What is now holding me back is the inertia surrounding separation of assets which will ultimately be concluded with our divorce. The intention mutually agreed was for my wife to remain in and ultimately take over the mortgage of our house. I moved locally into a rented unit so I could stay close and available to my kids including their school, before/after school and family day. I agreed to a percentage split of assets that although unequal would not cause either of us any undue hardship. My concern now is that there appears to be little or no progress re her taking over the loan, the status quo is going on and on. Although she is relatively unaffected by this as I am still contributing my own quality of life, ability to plan and ultimately move forward is significantly compromised. The situation is frustrating my new partner as much and there is now a genuine risk to that relationship developing too. I am completely at a loss as to how to progress this constructively. I've explained my frustrations and concerns to my ex and am hoping we can meet together and discuss soon. I am very worried that the gas-lighting will come back into play not to mention the terrible stories I've heard of exes causing serious trouble for fathers, reducing access or worse. I feel like I have compromised to the point where it would be easier to walk away from the assets but I also know that without some sort of payment mine and my kids lifestyle will be significantly compromised. Please help, K.

Cyn2k12 Confused, depressed and anxious.
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, my Apologies for long post I know I’ve posted in here before with regards to my husbands depression and anxiety so forgive me for rambling. to start off with I suffer with chronic anxiety and depression which was diagnosed by my GP, same... View more

Hi everyone, my Apologies for long post I know I’ve posted in here before with regards to my husbands depression and anxiety so forgive me for rambling. to start off with I suffer with chronic anxiety and depression which was diagnosed by my GP, same with my husbands depression. 7 years ago we came close to separation due to stress, no support from family me cheating on my husband and feeling isolated as I’m originally from the uk and only have my husband and daughter to talk to. 7 years later which Is now we’ve been through couple’s counseling with 3 different counsellers, 3rd really helped a lot. For the most part we’re doing fine our marriage is a lot better we’re communicating better. only problem is due to my husbands depression and anxiety he has a problem of still thinking I’m up to no good, it flares up my own anxiety and depression and I personally feel like breaking down. It’s becoming consistent lately, we have a nightmare neighbour stalking us and making a lot of noise irritating both me and my husband. My father in law has our daughter due to what happened in 2014. Which is additional stress, to top it off I have to message my husband every time I go out and let him know where I am. It’s the same with social media. I’m restricted on what I can go on, who I chat with, or if something I don’t recognise like on Instagram or Facebook my husband is automatically assuming I’m up to something or knifing him in the back. My husband has had bad issues with being treated badly by his own family and thinks I’ll do the same. I’m currently at a loss and I’m barely coping with my own depression and I’m currently on antidepressants and anxiety medication. Sorry for rambling

ReeCar123 Dealing with incomplete grief
  • replies: 3

Dear All, I am in a relationship with a lovely man who separated from his wife three years ago. He struggled letting go for a long time and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with her in the beginning. He did not want to be her, did not love her b... View more

Dear All, I am in a relationship with a lovely man who separated from his wife three years ago. He struggled letting go for a long time and there was a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with her in the beginning. He did not want to be her, did not love her but there was an unhealthy codependency and so their connection felt like a safety net that he believed he needed. He had experienced neglect as a child and basically reproduced the same kind of relationship in his marriage. His wife was an alcoholic who did not treat him well at all. She is very manipulative and unkind. We were on and off a lot because of his struggles to let go. For a year now, we have made it without any breakups. He just finally got the chance to finalise the legal separation from her (she was in a mental hospital for a long time and has been living in another state), sold his house and this week, moved out of the house that they had lived in. This has brought up a lot of incomplete grief because he regularly distracted himself from grieving the loss of the marriage and subsequently got stuck in pining, wondering what if, etc. Today, his psychologist gave him some firmer guidelines and the task to begin the grieving process. My partner said he got strategies to do that and to see the current lockdown as an opportunity to embrace his painful emotions fully by himself, in all new surroundings with no safe place and no more familiar belongings. I think this is very necessary although it hurts because this means that we are on a time-out indefinitely. I support him in this journey and want him to do it, for his own sake and so that he can actually fully commit to us. That has not been possible so far. I would like to understand more about the strategies he may be applying and what to look out for when we reconnect in the a while. I want him to stay focused on this task but I will not have any contact with him and I would, for my own peace of mind, like to understand what it takes to deal and release incomplete grief. Would any of you know how this works? He said his psychologist told him it will not be pleasant, that he will need to face his emotions, cry if need be, write down all his thoughts and have different notebooks around the house so he can write whenever a new memory or thought comes to mind. What I am wondering is, how do you conjure up those feelings and thoughts? It's not like you can easily force it, or can you, considering you constantly carry the grief with you deep down?

gloria10 Feeling blindsighted by someone I felt I could trust
  • replies: 2

I wasn't sure where to put this post as it falls in both anxiety and relationships, but it's a professional relationship. I've recently signed up to volunteer and I was looking forward to starting. It was a long process, but I stuck it out as I liked... View more

I wasn't sure where to put this post as it falls in both anxiety and relationships, but it's a professional relationship. I've recently signed up to volunteer and I was looking forward to starting. It was a long process, but I stuck it out as I liked the company, it was local and it was in line with what I wanted to do for work (I thought it would be a good experience). The person who dealt with the recruiting process made things difficult from early on. They took forever to respond and didn't explain certain steps until I was in the meeting, rather than being upfront. When we did meet they made it sound like they could help me get a job there. The duties also sounded interesting and like there would be a bit of variety. When I started, I realised they didn't really have a say in the hiring process and that unless advertised, jobs wouldn't be available. I feel like they lied to me in order to get me into the volunteering position, as they haven't got many, but I would have rather they were honest. I don't mind doing simple tasks, but I felt like there was more on offer during the initial stages that made me interested in the volunteer role. I guess the biggest thing for me was that this person came across as quite trustworthy and they were building a rapport as well, I think I'm just surprised it turned around quickly and I'm now doing something mundane. Any advice on how to deal with this? I still think volunteering will be good as the staff seemed nice, but my trust is broken.

Lisa_Lionheart I don't know what I'm doing
  • replies: 4

I just need to talk to someone that doesn't know me. This year has been utter shit for me. I was in my last semester of uni when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I took a leave of absence to become her carer. She doesn't have long accordi... View more

I just need to talk to someone that doesn't know me. This year has been utter shit for me. I was in my last semester of uni when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I took a leave of absence to become her carer. She doesn't have long according to the doctors and I feel completely isolated and alone in looking after her. Add to that Melbourne lockdown and it's hard to see that there will be brighter days. I have a history of severe anxiety and depression and while I think I'm semi ok now, I worry that I will break at some point. I have been questioning all my relationships and if I really, genuinely have a connection with anyone. In saying that, I don't want to be around anyone. People annoy me. I dunno, I just need to hear someone else is going through this or something.

fleshblur I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing & complicated for me. Let me explain.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing and complicated for me. Let me explain. Firstly, I'll elaborate on what I mean by touch. I'm talking about hugs, side hugs, tic... View more

Hi everyone, I have this friend and I am very confused by how much they initiate touch with me. The situation is confusing and complicated for me. Let me explain. Firstly, I'll elaborate on what I mean by touch. I'm talking about hugs, side hugs, tickling, they throw their arm over my shoulder (because I'm short enough for them to comfortably do that), back hugs and hand holding (only that one time though). So, it's confusing because I didn't know they were such a touchy person? I knew them in high school and I didn't think they seemed like that but maybe it's because they're more comfortable with me? I do worry that it might be because I mentioned that I like physical affection in a conversation once because it kind of started happening since then. It's complicated even more by the fact that I enjoy these moments and gestures. It feels nice and comforting. So I don't want to ask why they're doing it because I'm scared it might stop. I'm willing to not know the reasons why if I know the boundaries of what were doing. How often can I do it? How far can I take these touches and gestures (like can we cuddle or hold hands sometimes)? How long can they last for? Because them having their arm over my shoulder and me holding on to the hand draped over my shoulder is very comfy and nice. I can hold that position for a long time. But I don't know what they're opinion or thoughts on this because I'm too scared to mention it to them and make it awkward. I'm also not very articulate or clear in what I say sometimes so it complicates conversations a lot. Also, sometimes I get a hot/cold vibe from them because they'll back hug me and they're chill. But then when I'm cuddling into their side on the couch they'll tickle me and I just feel like the action is telling me to get off?? Oh my god, I don't think I made much sense at all. Ultimately, I just want to know what I should do in order to address these concerns(?)/thoughts(??) of mine. Feel free to ask me questions about stuff if something didn't make any sense.

Kitty1991 Struggling with relationship
  • replies: 16

Hi everyone, my partner and I have been together for 10 years and engaged for about 5-6 years. I am the only one working and we struggle on a single income and are unable to save any money. I find this so stressful, I always have. I am always researc... View more

Hi everyone, my partner and I have been together for 10 years and engaged for about 5-6 years. I am the only one working and we struggle on a single income and are unable to save any money. I find this so stressful, I always have. I am always researching better ways to budget and trying to cut down on spending, but the money in and out doesn’t really change. I try really hard to provide my partner what every he needs/wants. I manage the money so he can travel several times a year to go visit his family, and this means I cannot visit mine. I get to visit family for Christmas approx every 2-3 years. I try and talk to my partner about the budget and how I need help but I am always told that it is my money and my problem. I guess I have been living in fairy land because I really thought as an engaged couple we should be working towards similar goals, but we are not. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago. I told my partner, explained the side effects of my medication etc... About a month ago I was told I now have extremely severe depression and extremely severe anxiety. Not really coping to well. My partner forgot that I was depressed... I struggle to leave my house without a mental breakdown. I have asked my partner to go to couples counseling with me because I am not happy and struggling. He has agreed to go but he doesn’t think it will help with my depression and anxiety because I must have some cognitive issues. He flat out refused today to even consider getting a job, as he refuses to be subordinate to someone, and that I am really shallow for wanting more money. I think I am looking for security and support. I am now freaking out that I am shallow and greedy. Also freaking out about the potential of us breaking up, I have never broken up with anyone before. Am I being too unreasonable? Does anyone have experience with couples counseling? Will it help or make it worse?