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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Rex007 How much is too much?
  • replies: 3

Hi My wife texts and emails every single day of t h e week, several times a day, spending what I can only guess is at least 3 hours + each day. There are two guys in particular that she messages throughout the day and evening. Even when we go out if ... View more

Hi My wife texts and emails every single day of t h e week, several times a day, spending what I can only guess is at least 3 hours + each day. There are two guys in particular that she messages throughout the day and evening. Even when we go out if she has a break she'd be taking a picture and emailing to them and messaging. I can't remember the last time we went out where she didn't do it. And while I am reasonably sure that there's nothing going on between any of them I can't help but feel that I come second to her friends. (She has gone out with them on a few occasions for the day and I'm just trusting that shes not up to anything). Quite often she won't sit down with me until she's finished chatting and if there is some kind of drama going on then she won't spend time at all. There are other problems with our relationship which we've tried unsuccessfully to solve through professional help but I can't see how this is helping at all. All in all I feel thaI have a very one sided relationship where I do most of the work. I feel like walking out but I feel obliged to stay because of two reasons. One, I don't want to give up on our 17 year marriage and 2 she is being treated for anxiety and depression. I just wanted to hear what other people considered as obsessive when it comes to mobile devices. While it's not the only problem we have it's the one that's always in my face and makes me feel the worst. I have tried to discuss how I feel with her but she just gets very defensive.

dickydik Marriage destroyed by depression; trying to startover threatened by dishonesty
  • replies: 2

Until about half a year ago, I have been severely depressed for about 2 years. I'm doing much better now, well, sort of We were both a bit older when we first met (I was 47, she was 59). We met again 2 years later, we had been feeling a strong deep c... View more

Until about half a year ago, I have been severely depressed for about 2 years. I'm doing much better now, well, sort of We were both a bit older when we first met (I was 47, she was 59). We met again 2 years later, we had been feeling a strong deep connection during the years we did not meet. My wife has a past filled with pain and hurt. She coped with it she said. She fully opened up to me, I was the love of her life. Until lots of bad luck pushed me in a deep dark hole. About 1.5 year ago, my wife started to withdraw. She tried to help me and ran out of clues. Anyway, I "came" back, and started to realize all the damage that was done.For my wife, all the beautiful we had was destroyed. We had long deep talks, very open, crying, both wanting to make things work again. Talks became less and less. I felt more and more distance, distorted connection. I proposed marriage counseling. My wife agreed, as in, no promises, no expectations. Trying to communicate and take it step by step. We had developed a nasty pattern, me getting angry, her withdrawing. Both desperate. By following my intuition, I found us a great counselor, it felt like we needed a miracle and she might be able to help. At first, things started to go a bit better. Until I got more and more concerned about long video chats my wife had with a male friend, each and every week, every Wednesday. I expressed my concerns. He was introduces to her by a very good friend of her. My concerns were ignored. I got more and more concerned and out of desperation looked at files on her laptop. I confronted her, said she did indeed have fantasies about him (she denied that earlier and started crying saying "why don't you believe me"). Anyway, one of the things I found was that they did an astrological report, including a compatibility test. I exploded when I found out, told her she had gone too far. She later mentioned during a session that they did that report being created, it was just to "explore each other". Both me and my counselor were flabbergasted when she sold it like that. I got angry. Now she wants space, being left alone. I have taken all blame and responsibility. She says I make up stories, pulling things out of context. That I sabotage. That she truly loves me. And that she has been open and honest. I have been understanding. When I ask for understanding she starts defending and justifying. I am needy when I say that a "good night" or a hug would be nice. I don't understand her, why all this?

Taylah96 I've had to cut ties with my depressed ex
  • replies: 15

So my ex broke up with me due to her depression 2 days ago, I tried everything to stay in a relationship with her, but she has told me she is unsure if she even has feelings for me anymore as she just feels numb about everything, therefore she didn't... View more

So my ex broke up with me due to her depression 2 days ago, I tried everything to stay in a relationship with her, but she has told me she is unsure if she even has feelings for me anymore as she just feels numb about everything, therefore she didn't want to drag me along. She isn't suicidal or wanting to self harm, she's actually booked in to see a doctor soon. We own a house together and 2 cats, and she suggested I still live there but only as friends. I've been back there twice for a short amount of time, and every time I see her it just hurts too much. She acts and behaves like everything is fine, she was playing video games and playing with the cats. She even said to me "Logan (our cat) has been such a cutie today". It's just so strange. In our nearly 4 years of dating she has never acted like this. I feel like I'm the only thing she doesn't want in her life. I'm finding it hard to try to be there for her, because I'm still in love with her. I know I need to distance myself from her to heal, but feel bad too because I know she isn't herself. Before I left our house today I told her that I need time to heal, but made her promise me that she would reach out to me if she is struggling and needs support. My mum and her mum have been staying in close contact, and both have been checking in on her. I'm just really confused, I know I need to look after myself but I just feel so sorry for her. She just isn't herself.

Mark h Seperation Anxiety
  • replies: 7

Good morning everyone I need some help with my current situation. I am looking for guidance an support surrounding a separation that is taking place between my wife and I. I have posted before on Beyond Blue but now, I am in a really bad place and wo... View more

Good morning everyone I need some help with my current situation. I am looking for guidance an support surrounding a separation that is taking place between my wife and I. I have posted before on Beyond Blue but now, I am in a really bad place and would like to hear from you with any advice or help. I suffer with Anxiety and Depression and see a psychologist and psychiatrist ongoing for the condition, they are great. Back in January, my wife separated from me after 23 years of marriage. I was shocked, numb, devastated and all of the other emotions that come with it. We had a great marriage, not perfect but great. My mental health hasn't been great and so I understand that this is hard to live with sometimes. In March this year, my wife moved out of the family home leaving me here with my 18 year old son and his partner along with 50% share of my 15 year old. He comes and goes from his mums pace to mine when he wants to. We are leaving that up to him to decide. Whilst taking my son to school one day, I received a text message from a lady who told me to keep my ex wife away from her husband. Shocked, I subsequently found out that she had been seeing an ex boyfriend of hers from high school the same time we separated and following this, I found out that she had an affair ten years ago which she claimed was only the once but I am obviously not sure. She admitted to sleeping with this man in his bedroom whilst his two children were sleeping in the room next door. Despite this, I have for the last four months tried to make things work but my ex wife has always maintained that she needed her space and time to work out if our relationship was something that she wanted to pursue. This is hard obviously as I live in the family home and the memories that surround me are quite overwhelming sometimes. My ex wife has maintained that this could take months or even years and so I have sat back allowing that the to take place. I have asked ongoing whether this ex boyfriend she reached out to was still on the scene and she claimed he wasn't. Last week however, she has admitted that she is interested in another man and that our marriage is officially over. For me, the anxiety is now overwhelming, I feel sick all of the time. Whilst my 18 year old still lives here, I feel we need to now sell the family home to move on. I would like to hear from any of you that have experienced a similar period. I need to get past this and I just don't think I can stay here in the home.

Penny23 Desperate for help
  • replies: 3

Hi there My husband of 20 years who is a wonderful man has been very down, angry with work, at home with the children and myself lately with nasty comments, this is just not him then he exploded one night out of the blue and said he’s full in rage an... View more

Hi there My husband of 20 years who is a wonderful man has been very down, angry with work, at home with the children and myself lately with nasty comments, this is just not him then he exploded one night out of the blue and said he’s full in rage and has had enough of everything, that I put the children first and he just needs to get out before he says something he regrets. He was done. He had been saying he feels depressed and when I have said let’s get help he just ignores it and moves on. He has recently had a hernia operation and then ended up back in hospital with a infected hand. We agreed the best thing was he go stay at his mums for awhile to figure himself out. Then the travelling to work got to much so he moved into my girlfriends unit who’s away at the moment and now closer to us and work. I text him every day to tell him I love and appreciate him, with a reply from him “thanks”. He will occasionally text my son every couple of days with hi mate hope your ok, and that’s it’s. He’s called in for coffee a few times and when he has he’s very teary and sad and said he’s been drinking to much it makes him feel better. I’ve tried getting him to talk and open up but he says he just doesn’t know what’s wrong, he just wants to get in a car and drive to get away. I don’t want to push him, as he is a very strong man. I know he’s going through a midlife crisis, he’s 48 and testosterone levels are low, and loosing body mass and questioning everything in his life. I feel loss and hopeless trying to hold my family together. Yesterday my daughter called in to see him and he literally shut the door on her saying “no I am tired”. She felt upset and left. Please any advice I feel like I am just surviving and donot know what to do.

Syliva0071 I DONT UNDERSTAND MY HUSBANDS CHEATING...
  • replies: 4

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids and recently I have been very occupied with them. It got to the stage where the kids were sleeping in our bed and I wasn't going out with him . My husband felt very neglected and trie... View more

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids and recently I have been very occupied with them. It got to the stage where the kids were sleeping in our bed and I wasn't going out with him . My husband felt very neglected and tried to reach out to me but I ignored him. Two months ago he met a beautiful blonde girl at a family friends birthday which I did not attend. She asked for my husbands number through a friend and they started texting. I found out that he had been calling her every day and texting her every other time even when I was sitting next to him on the coach watching tv (10 messages a day and at least one phone call a day ). He claimed they spoke about every day things. Nothing about love. They had met twice in the two months. Once for a bike ride that was a lunch date and the other a stay in the hotel room booked for two night. When I found out he claimed they were only every really friends. He said that she made him feel good by constantly giving him compliments. When asked about the hotel room he claimed that they only kissed the first night and he eventually pushed her away as he realized this is not what he wanted. He stayed one night with her and a whole day but came home the next night(one day earlier than expected). He said that he thought of me the whole time and how wrong it was. . He told me the whole story as soon as he came home and looked really distressed. He said that he had a lot of confused emotions and felt like he needed to spend time with this girl to figure out what he wanted in our marriage. The thought of sleeping with her he said was not an option. It was more emotional. He said it had nothing to do with her or me it was more about how he was feeling at the time and was trying to figure out what our marriage meant to him and whether it was worth salvaging it. He ended blocking her number after her constantly texting him. His also made a lot of effort since then and has given me access to his phone and lets me know where he is at all times. Is it possible for a man not to feel any sexual attraction for a women and use her as a way to discover how he was feeling about the marriage and what our relationship meant to him? I'm confused because why a hotel room and a weekend away? Is this whole emotional feeling true that there can be no sexual attraction to a person? Can I have some thoughts please. I am really struggling to understand him.

SingleMum123 Full-time work anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hello, I've been a single mum now for nearly 5 months and have also just rejoined the workforce after 8 years. I've returned to the industry I was working in before going on maternity leave. I started this job in the fourth Melbourne lockdown and hav... View more

Hello, I've been a single mum now for nearly 5 months and have also just rejoined the workforce after 8 years. I've returned to the industry I was working in before going on maternity leave. I started this job in the fourth Melbourne lockdown and haven't seen my workplace as yet. I've been working full-time at home. I am experiencing high anxiety about having to go into the office 5 days a week and starting early. It's a full on customer service role. I have a parenting arrangement with my ex partner and he will do pick and drop off for 2 days and I'll do 3. I don't have any family or friends who can help but I can use the OSHC Program at school. I've told my employer that I need to leave early on my 3 days to ensure I get to OSHC on time before they close. I feel unheard. I have asked for flexible working arrangements early on if it was at all possible. Typically they make people wait until 6 months of probation is served, which I understand, but I don't think I can manage it for that long. I asked to shave off a small amount of time at either end of the day but still be there 5 days a week. I'm so worried if they say no, which I know could be possible if the request doesn't suit business needs, because I can't just resign. I need the money for rent and food and my child is over the age for me to receive any help from Centrelink. I'm already so tired as it is without the commute time ahead of me. I've looked online at similar roles and none of them offer part-time. I feel so stuck!!! I appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Mrs Chloe HI all, newbie here- finding it hard to be an 'adult'
  • replies: 8

Greetings to those who decided to read this. I am a 40 year old wife who has been finding it hard to be mentally and emotionally sharp for many years. I have had many baby losses and my husband went through a year or so of extreme depression. I find ... View more

Greetings to those who decided to read this. I am a 40 year old wife who has been finding it hard to be mentally and emotionally sharp for many years. I have had many baby losses and my husband went through a year or so of extreme depression. I find myself sometimes crying when alone- sometimes from a story I watched or read, other times from my own hardships. Husband does not make it any easier when he has a short temper and I find myself walking on eggshells around him sometimes, in fear that he would regress back to being depressed/ anxious if I start a fight with him. Fighting with him is very messy as he warned that he would post on social media about about our fight. Although he is very confident that he is now better because he's constantly taking his medication. I know that marriage will never be easy, and there are days when I feel like on cloud 9 when everything goes well or when we have unexpected blessings. But when it gets tough, it is very tough on my mental state. I forget things and make silly mistakes. Sometimes I even suspect that I get ill when we are fighting. I applaud strong women whom I know are also going through tough things, sometimes even tougher than me, but yet they seem to have it altogether in the head. I compared myself to other wives I know and every single one of them has an issue in their life. So I guess the question I am asking is, how do you cope with such hardship? How do you have a 'thick skin' and continue with life while standing your ground without being hurt? I vent out to my close friends when I'm hurting but when I hear myself talk and remember their own hardships, I feel like I'm just having first world problems. But I cannot take verbal abuse. Yes I shoot back at him when I get a chance but I don't think it affects him as much as it affects me. I know I have to lead by example but I don't know how, especially when I am still hurting after making a simple mistake. By the way, I say 'adulting' in the title because I didn't have these issues when I was younger and only dating. Now that I have MORE responsibilities, I need to learn some coping mechanisms. I imagine just before sleeping or right after I wake up, that if there was a time machine, I'd definitely choose to go back into being a kid again with all my adult family members around me that supports me. Then I would stay there and never be an adult! Thanks for reading and have a good day.

Becka1972 FIFO WORKER - my ex is using my son as a pawn
  • replies: 3

Hi Everyone Hope you are well, over the last 12 months my ex constantly tries to intimidate me, threaten me, and try and coerce my beautiful boy who is cared for my Dad whilst I’m away. I’m currently in quarantine in WA (negative results came back) -... View more

Hi Everyone Hope you are well, over the last 12 months my ex constantly tries to intimidate me, threaten me, and try and coerce my beautiful boy who is cared for my Dad whilst I’m away. I’m currently in quarantine in WA (negative results came back) - but he is now trying to drag in that there is no support for my son amongst other things. I’m working away to save the money to pay the cruel person he is out. This cruel person does not pay child maintenance, does nothing have his own home, has had multiple girlfriends and his own other children are reluctant to speak with him. I lost my second eldest to suicide and I’m still suffering badly and I have never stopped him from seeing his son, never asked him for help and played nice. In the last week I have had very very little sleep and this cruel person is and has only taken his son on school holiday possibly 3-4 weeks in the last 4 years. He never assisted when the schools shutdown with Covid and home schooling and I’m absolutely lost as to why this cruel man forceably made me contact child support and make it a private agreement. That was 12 months ago and I still haven’t seen a single cent. It doesn’t bother me, but why are they so cruel.

chilloice Advice on whether to explain why I broke up with my ex bf
  • replies: 9

I broke up with my ex three months ago, and at the time I didn't fully explain why. The main reasons I didn't were that (1) I wasn't (and still am not) fully understanding of what my reasons for ending it were, and (2) any reasons I did have I percei... View more

I broke up with my ex three months ago, and at the time I didn't fully explain why. The main reasons I didn't were that (1) I wasn't (and still am not) fully understanding of what my reasons for ending it were, and (2) any reasons I did have I perceived as hurtful if I were to tell him. We had been together for just under 2 years for reference. Upon reflection, I feel one of the biggest reasons I ended it is that I was losing trust in him and felt drained by the strains of the relationship. Since the beginning of the relationship, he has been dealing with an addiction and also hasn't achieved much for himself - he wouldn't study or work or progress himself, and every time he started something that was along these lines (i.e. start studying a course), he would eventually drop out after a few months and end up just spending his time playing computer games and staying home. Meanwhile, I was studying full time and trying to keep balance in my life, and found that I would often feel guilty for not spending as much time as possible with him because "he felt he was at the bottom of my priority list". In his eyes, and as he would tell me often in the last few months of the relationship that I was "the only good thing in his life" and that he wanted to stay with me because there was nothing objectively wrong with our relationship. For me though, feeling the pressure to give him so much of my time made me feel like I was achieving less for myself. Several times throughout the relationship I felt like I couldn't take on new opportunities because it meant that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him as he needed and it would just create more conflict. When we had conversations about things like this, he would always state how he was happy for me to do things for myself and that it was important, but would still often jump immediately to the bad things that could happen if I did it - like me getting really stressed, or him again being at the bottom of my priority list. His addiction was also another major issue in the relationship, as he would often break my trust regarding the use of drugs. He is addicted to weed, and we'd agreed that he wouldn't smoke when I was over at his place (which was practically every time we saw each other because he never travelled to my place). I'd found out one day that he had been waiting for me to go to sleep before going outside to smoke, which I was really upset about. There's more to it, but should I tell him why I ended it?