Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Stevolica27 Trivial things can ramp up my anxiety - silly question but hoping someone can offer another perspective
  • replies: 5

Hi there, as mentioned this is probably silly/trivial but I find these things to lead me to start spiralling with my anxiety, which I'm worried affects my views of such things as my relationship. Short story is my partner's family do the same things ... View more

Hi there, as mentioned this is probably silly/trivial but I find these things to lead me to start spiralling with my anxiety, which I'm worried affects my views of such things as my relationship. Short story is my partner's family do the same things every year for Christmas and Easter and other long weekends - they have a holiday house, I guess is the easiest way to describe. There's a strong culture around visiting there and other partners prioritise going there over spending time with their own families often. With this coming Easter, as with any long weekend, I like the idea of planning these with my partner as they are holidays for both of us, but she has stated that she's open to other ideas but wants to go to the holiday house for 'as long as possible'. It just really gets me down that this is the same /every time/ and she's quite forward in being quite disinterested in planning anything else together. Her default position is that if I don't come up with anything more interesting (on my own), she'll just go to hang out with her family. They're a great family, and sometimes I go, but I am really keen to have a shared life (although it is /most/ of the time as we live together) and plan things together for holiday periods etc. - I realise that time-wise, we already spend a lot of time together and I'm open to taking separate holidays, but I just want others' perspectives on my 'right' to want to plan things together or my 'lack of right' to expect that when that family time is important to my partner - I think working this out my help me put my anxiety and sadness around it into perspective. Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

PsychedelicFur Anxiety about my relationship with my boyfriend
  • replies: 8

Hello there, recently, about a little over four or five months ago I met this guy. When we first met there was automatically a spark there. We had so much in common. Like hobbies and favourite albums and bands. I have met his family and his family re... View more

Hello there, recently, about a little over four or five months ago I met this guy. When we first met there was automatically a spark there. We had so much in common. Like hobbies and favourite albums and bands. I have met his family and his family really like me. He has told his friends about me and they say “you sound like you really love this girl and think very highly of her.” he has even written a song about me. And people, close friends have told me he isn’t the type just to show affection just to anyone. however, there are some doubts for me. when we have disagreements he can get aggressive and start shouting. NEVER has he ever physically abused me. He will say things and then realise later on he has done wrong. recently, he said he wanted to break up because he thought I deserved better and he was frustrated with himself. And then he wanted another chance to really show me that he can change his aggressive behaviour. He told me that because I’m working on my anxiety he thinks he can better himself for me. He told me that he was so upset and felt so guilty about the way he treated me this specific time. I have set a boundary and told him that I will not accept or tolerate any aggressive behaviour anymore. He said he wants to really try to prove to me that he really does care about me. 99% of the time, he is very supportive and understanding. However he is dealing with his own frustrations and issues, like everyone and he admitted that was no excuse for treating me in such a way. For your information : he has NEVER belittled me or called me a ‘slut’ or a ‘whore’ or even picked on my body or anything like that. when we are together and we have a disagreement he usually tries to remove himself from the situation too by going outside or going into another room to let the mood cool down. Typically, when I’m anxious he reassures me and tries to bring me back into a more rational perspective. Because I have the tendency to overthink so often about EVERYTHING. he always likes to talk about me to close friends and tell them how much he appreciates me. Is he genuine or is he just trying to mess with my mind? signed, confused PF

PsychedelicFur Is he trying to change me?
  • replies: 4

Hi there, I am naturally a very flamboyant and comfortable person when it comes to dressing in a more quintessential and vibrant way. I feel like the clothes that I wear - vintage, vibrant and obscure suit my somewhat of a misfit personality. However... View more

Hi there, I am naturally a very flamboyant and comfortable person when it comes to dressing in a more quintessential and vibrant way. I feel like the clothes that I wear - vintage, vibrant and obscure suit my somewhat of a misfit personality. However, more so recently I have discovered that sometimes I wear one of my favourite headpieces, very quirky and unique, that my boyfriend tells me I shouldn’t wear it and I should wear something darker with my more recently dyed brighter colour of hair. Normally, I’m the type of person who does what I want to do and dresses the way I feel suits my body shape and compliments my personality. However, because he is my boyfriend I am genuinely concerned as to if he is actually trying to look out for me saying things like “oh the colours clash.” Or “i don’t really like that headpiece.”and he does suggest that I wear something a little darker. He says “all of the brightness distracts me from your pretty face.” I read somewhere that early stages of emotional abuse is when someone starts to control your wardrobe and what you wear. And then makes you feel guilty for not ‘conforming to their standards’ I understand completely that your partner wants you to look your best but is he taking it too far? I have asked other people about my headpiece. Close by individuals whom I know would tell me if I was being a ‘fashion victim’ so to speak. And they all say that the colours don’t conflict with my hair and that I look still so bright and amazing. nonetheless, I’m still going to wear what makes me comfortable because in the long run I don’t want to look back at myself twenty or even thirty years from now and regret really showing who I am. I’ve always been so care free, bright and a bit unique from the crowd and I will continue to be that way. After all, when we first started dating he knew exactly that I was someone who wasn’t your A typical type of girl. I’m different and different is what I shall remain. But is he really trying to control me or is he trying to tell me politely that something else would work alongside my dyed hair? looking for answers, much appreciated. PsychedelicFur.

PsychedelicFur My father and my partner don't get along
  • replies: 4

Hello there, I am currently stuck in a very frustrating and unsettling conundrum. My father and my partner don't get along. At first, my boyfriend did make an effort to get to know him. However, since the separation of his wife and the feelings of ov... View more

Hello there, I am currently stuck in a very frustrating and unsettling conundrum. My father and my partner don't get along. At first, my boyfriend did make an effort to get to know him. However, since the separation of his wife and the feelings of overbearing stress he makes me feel enormously guilty when I am not with him, at home. My boyfriend is frustrated with this and both think of each other as 'selfish' My father did make an effort too but he has the tendency to talk about his worries and concerns when conversing with other people. And obviously this can get enormously draining. My father complains when he has to pick me up from my boyfriend's house. And my boyfriend has tried to keep his cool. I am so concerned and worried. What should I do? Please share some responses with me as I would greatly appreciate it, regards PF

white knight Tolerance of other people part 3
  • replies: 2

In this post I'd like to mention "the benefit of the doubt". I've noticed more in the last 10 years or so that people often mention, in a group, their criticism of someone without know all of the possible scenarios of why that person does what they d... View more

In this post I'd like to mention "the benefit of the doubt". I've noticed more in the last 10 years or so that people often mention, in a group, their criticism of someone without know all of the possible scenarios of why that person does what they do. For example: A common one is buying meals at a hotel. Waiting more than 30 minutes can start the complaints around a table. Some people have never worked in a hotel kitchen so have never faced the issues that happen there. If one person orders a well done steak and its preferable to have all meals arrive at the table at the same time then there will be a delay in meal delivery as the chef will be waiting for the steak to cook and that will take longer. Sometimes there is a "run on" for one menu order. That might result in a worker scooting off to the butchers. Patrons often dont realise there could be 2 or 3 other sections of the hotel that are also ordering meals....and so on. To reduce any chance of disharmony it is always best to either give the "benefit of the doubt" or make a direct enquiry. A friend recently listed his house on the market for lets say $400,000. After two weeks even before the board was up at the front of the property, he asked me "do you think I should try another agent, he doesnt seem to be doing much". I suggested he ring the agent, he did, the agent told him that he had to take photographs, wait for them to be delvered to him to load on the internet and that he also had to wait for the section 32 that my friend hadnt chased up with his own solicitor. The sale of the house couldnt move forward without it. These sort of instances has caused me to always question people directly with the "benefit of the doubt" before entering into any dispute or pressing on with any criticism. I dont know about you but especially when younger I would dwell over issues rather than contact the other party direct. This was not healthy. I didnt have the communication style I have now as an older man, but my advice for those younger is to embrace the direct route to people you deal with. Dwelling, complaining to others when you dont possess all the facts is not contributing to your wellness. You can also calm situations down with this direct action and in groups this will result in happier times. People you deal with directly will appreciate your effort and you'll make friends that way too. TonyWK

Window0106 Forever hurting
  • replies: 3

I’m looking for advice because I feel I’m stuck between a rock and hard place. Something that feels like I’m constantly in a world of pain. Since my partner and I began our relationship it turns out he has cheated with several women, several times. A... View more

I’m looking for advice because I feel I’m stuck between a rock and hard place. Something that feels like I’m constantly in a world of pain. Since my partner and I began our relationship it turns out he has cheated with several women, several times. At the beginning when I found out I somehow accepted his apology even though he can’t ever actually admit to what he has done. Fast track to years later and I just can’t shake this forever painful feeling that seriously makes me feel so worthless. I struggle to be happy in our relationship and constantly pick fights that ultimately surround trust issues. I have broken it off before but then became severely depressed and just wanted him to be with me once again. I am just so lost as to what to do. I want to leave but can’t seem to handle the thought of it. Any advice is much appreciated xx

Schev Home sick
  • replies: 1

I’ve moved 4.5 half hours away from family and friends to be with my partner as we were previously doing long distance. It’s only been one month and I’m experiencing home sick, and it’s effecting my anxiety has anyone else experienced this? If so any... View more

I’ve moved 4.5 half hours away from family and friends to be with my partner as we were previously doing long distance. It’s only been one month and I’m experiencing home sick, and it’s effecting my anxiety has anyone else experienced this? If so any tips?

Fed_Up_Mumma Over my selfish husband
  • replies: 12

I’ve been married 3.5 years and have a gorgeous 4 year old son and a beautiful 6 month old daughter who are the loves of my life. My husband on the other hand...I love and care about him and don’t want to split up but I just wish he wasn’t so damn se... View more

I’ve been married 3.5 years and have a gorgeous 4 year old son and a beautiful 6 month old daughter who are the loves of my life. My husband on the other hand...I love and care about him and don’t want to split up but I just wish he wasn’t so damn selfish. When I think of him, the first words that come to mind are all negative: selfish, unreliable, lazy. He contributes to the household financially but that’s where it ends. He literally does not lift a finger around the house, has never washed any clothing for anyone but himself. Refuses to bath the kids, won’t play with them outside or take my son anywhere. He won’t even take rubbish to the bins or wheel them out on bin night. I literally have to do everything. He works, eats and sleeps. His world revolves around him and his wants and needs. Not the children or the family as a whole. He spends most of his time passed out on the lounge sleeping. I know he’s depressed, so am I, but the difference is I do something about it. We fight so much about his mental and physical health and not helping out at home. His response is always I hate doctors and I’m lazy. I’m over his selfishness and unwillingness to change his ways. I can’t count on him for anything. If he puts our son to bed it will be 1 hour later than his usual bedtime and he won’t read him a story. He tells me he will do the daycare run one morning then the morning comes and he decides he is too tired and not up to it. So I have to scramble down with unwashed hair and dirty clothes to get my kid there on time. I’m completely exhausted as I do everything when it comes to the baby and our son. I cook, clean and if I take a break he comments on the state of the house etc yet he won’t lift a finger to help. I feel so resentful because he is not the husband or father I hoped he would be. He is his own number one priority. I’m just so tired of nagging him to help out, do things, see a doctor about his mental health etc I’ve literally got burnout from dealing with and living with a lazy, selfish person. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It would be easier talking to a brick wall than trying to get through to him.

peacock Letting go of toxic family members
  • replies: 6

Hi, I am really struggling with a decision I made about eight months ago to cease contact with my sister. She has been cruel and dismissive of me for decades but I have always overlooked her bad behaviour in order to keep the peace within the family.... View more

Hi, I am really struggling with a decision I made about eight months ago to cease contact with my sister. She has been cruel and dismissive of me for decades but I have always overlooked her bad behaviour in order to keep the peace within the family. Recently I decided I had had enough and let her know that I could not take anymore. She turned it around to make out that I had the problem as usual. I don’t regret my decision to walk away but at times it is so painful and I cry for hours. Friends tell me it will get easier with time but sometimes it feels that the pain will never go away. I have tried so many times to forgive her but it started to affect my mental health and I had to cease contact. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Does anyone have a similar experience and does it get easier. Thanks

artgirl1234 My boyfriend doesn’t want sex, but is fine with other sexual favours
  • replies: 7

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 months now. Our sex life in the beginning was fine. but now he doesn’t want sex, at all, but he’s fine with fother things, and actively wants me to do them. He says he’s still attracted to me, but says ... View more

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 months now. Our sex life in the beginning was fine. but now he doesn’t want sex, at all, but he’s fine with fother things, and actively wants me to do them. He says he’s still attracted to me, but says he doesn’t want sex anymore, he just doesn’t feel right doing it or says he’s not in the mood. This issue has been going on for over a month, and i want to be there for him and help him with getting past this but it’s difficult when i don’t know the reason why, and neither does he. He has a history with depression and body image issues, if that information is relevant. can anyone help me with some advice?