Relationship and family issues

Partner won’t seek help with mental illness

replies: 8

Needing some support badly! Ive been with my partner for 9 years. In the beginning, he was charming. We were very happy & so much in love. But through the years, there would be episodes of complete silence from him. He would shut me out emotionally a... View more

Needing some support badly! Ive been with my partner for 9 years. In the beginning, he was charming. We were very happy & so much in love. But through the years, there would be episodes of complete silence from him. He would shut me out emotionally and for days not talk to me. I took the immature path of begging him to talk to me and tell me what was wrong, but he would say he “needed to think about things.” Eventually, he would snap out of this and go back to his charming and beautiful self. If I brought up the subject of this “silent treatment “, he would make it clear he didn’t want to talk about it, so we went on with life. However, things have now escalated to the point that he continues to go through days of “silent treatment” towards me, followed by days of verbal abuse towards me. He tells me that I’m the problem & I’m the cause of all his troubles. He tells me I’ve cheated on him, hacked his MyGov account, changed him to behave in this way. This pattern occurs 2-3 times a year, getting worse with each episode. when things do calm down, he is back to his old pleasant self. I try acknowledging the previous behaviour, but he changes the subject and showers with me love & attention to distract me from going any further with the conversation. Things never get addressed & we go through this cycles. This latest episode that we are in now has been horrid. He’s telling me I have to leave, threatening me with comments like “you’ll be getting a letter from my solicitor to get you out”, “I don’t believe you - I want to see a “Stat Dec”, etc, etc. I am at my wits end. I feel worthless and helpless. This has been the worse episode. When I tell him not to speak to me that way, he tells me it’s all my fault & ive turned him into this person. I know what I see now is a totally different person to who he is. Each of the personalities are completely different. I know this ugly person is not my partner & it’s so scary to see him like this. ive told him I believe there’s a problem & how I would support him through thick or thin. But, this makes him more angry & I cop further abuse. It’s reflected to be me with the problems . I’m anxious all the time & not thinking straight. I’m currently in the spare room; I find myself going to bed as soon as I get home from work, just to avoid another onslaught of abuse. If I do approach him & quietly ask to talk about things, I’m the one who ends up crying & saying sorry. please advise as I don’t know what to do anymore

Apologies- within reason

replies: 37

I don’t know about you but over my 64 years I’ve met many people that don’t apologise for their wrong doing. Having observed this and was once married for 11 years to a narcissistic wife that never apologised once in all that time, I’ve come to concl... View more

I don’t know about you but over my 64 years I’ve met many people that don’t apologise for their wrong doing. Having observed this and was once married for 11 years to a narcissistic wife that never apologised once in all that time, I’ve come to conclusion that absence of apologies is excess of arrogance, stubbornness or both. Whatever the reason it leaves the more apologetic one with lots of frustration because they, like most, run their lives with apologies as a basic form of expressing regret which is a conventional method of healing so we can move forward. Without that you live a marriage where you question your own judgements when apology is absent. Imo that comes from greater commitment with knowledge that without carrying responsibility for your own errors, the future of the marriage is in jeapody. As my first wife and I had young children when we parted ways we still had to communicate for visitations and pick ups/drop offs and education concerns. This meant a continuous stream of talking flowed on so in effect that stubbornness went on for a further 14 years until the youngest was 18yo, when finally I needed to escape and severed all contact. That’s how bad an “attitude” can be. That was 10 years ago. Yet the scars live on. Now if a friend or relative is in clear error I do like some expression of regret- if it is shown then I click into forgiveness mode quickly- most times. What about an excess of apologies? Commonly found in people with low self esteem, these apologies reflect a domineering factor in your childhood whereby you were told “you are wrong” in an over domineering way- as an adult you continue to feel that guilt and guilt is s terrible backpack to carry around. google beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor Those “guilt” rocks in that backpack should be thrown in the river, revert to normality and apologise only when you are convinced you have made an error. Finally, I learned in training to be a young prison officer that in a group and you make an error (say you incorrectly made an accusation) then the correct action if possible is to apologise to that person in front of the same people. You might feel embarrassment but you’ll gain respect. In a jail it could save your life but respect is hard to gain amongst prisoners, that’s one way of getting it- is to treat people proper. What is your take on apologies? TonyWK

My partner loves me, but does he actually want to stay with me

replies: 4

I've been with my partner for 10 years, due to health issues sex has been sore, or can't perform. We had just let that side of things slip away, and sorted ourselves out in whatever ways we did. we have been trying for a baby and giving our sexual re... View more

I've been with my partner for 10 years, due to health issues sex has been sore, or can't perform. We had just let that side of things slip away, and sorted ourselves out in whatever ways we did. we have been trying for a baby and giving our sexual relationship hadn't been going well this has had its moments. We both have very low moods, mine because I have lost all self-confidence and his I think because he doesn't feel like a man, not yet had kids, out of work. I have been getting low moods for a while while the stresses of trying to convince also the lack of self-love. My partner is a loving man, but I being his first real girlfriend and now in 30s/40s he didn't always know the right things to say. He told me in the nicest possible way that he wasn't attracted to weight on me, I lost weight, he had also mentioned how I didn't wear makeup anymore etc. I've started trying to make more an effort. I told him recently how he didn't say I looked good etc, he understood and said sorry he just took it for granted, he really does care about me. sex has improved but still issues. Due to my age looking at ivf and each reaching out for help. But as much as he said he loves me and never wants us to be apart, his want for a family now is more. I feel I'm going to lose him if ivf doesn't work, he is younger, it wouldn't be fair to hold him to me if that's his needs. So I could lose my chances of ever having a family and the man I love so dear all in one go, I'm felling apart, and I can't see past him leaving me, I should be looking forward in our process of trying for our family but I'm worried so much I can't even think, and keep breaking down. I have said to him I'll let you go, go get someone younger, not because I want him too, because I love him so much if ivf didn't work I wouldn't want him hating me and regretting us. A good thing is that we are opening up more but, I can't tell him the reason I feel so bad is because he told me in the nicest possible way he wasn't attracted to me and with me losing my ability as a woman to please her man and to give him a child, I am in bits. What do I do, how can I fix this?

Not sure what to do

replies: 4

For the last 6 months I have been in contact via sms and snapchat with an old friend. She normally only texts when she is drunk but never admits she is drunk when she is texting. She has also promised to organise a date to hang out. I am starting to ... View more

For the last 6 months I have been in contact via sms and snapchat with an old friend. She normally only texts when she is drunk but never admits she is drunk when she is texting. She has also promised to organise a date to hang out. I am starting to think she is outright lying to me. She sends me random photos on snapchat of herself, just normal selfies and she got defensive when I took a screen shot of one. We are both lesbians. She is married and I am in a long term relationship. Should I cut ties?

I don't if I'm in the wrong but my headspace is regressing and I can't move out

replies: 3

Hey, I'm a 21-year old guy. Never ever thought I'd find myself here but things have just gotten very bad recently... My mum and I have a toxic relationship. I sensed we weren't just fighting like a normal mother-son relationship after she took me to ... View more

Hey, I'm a 21-year old guy. Never ever thought I'd find myself here but things have just gotten very bad recently... My mum and I have a toxic relationship. I sensed we weren't just fighting like a normal mother-son relationship after she took me to New York when I was 14. I was being a prick, nagging her why she would send me to an all-boys Catholic school when all my other friends were in the public one. She told me she couldn't be around me and that she was going back to the apartment. I sat on a chair for maybe an hour then when I got back, there were police everywhere. She told them I ran off and it was very weird/ embarrassing for me to see her crying in the lobby as American police officers were saying I should never runoff again. Ringing police for her was her only move. She would do it constantly and say I was being a bad kid to the cops whod try and lightly give me parental advice and she begged for sympathy. Obviously I never did anything physical to her in the slightest, but she knew with every argument, the threat of police would silence me up. It became a sick power move. When I was 19 she kept threatening me with a restraining order over disputes. I would swear at her as that was my only way to make her feel hurt. Stupid I know. Anyway one time, after I went on a trip, she went through with it. Police came to the door told me I had to go. Dad always just stood out of it, which I find weak as piss. So after I was told to leave she told me I could come back that same night. Pretended like nothing happend, then a few days later when a small fight broke out, she threatend that if she rang the police, id be charged for breaking it. Also, she lied on the restraining order. Said I pushed when she found my bong. She asked if I had it, i gave it to her AND NEVER PUSHED HER. Also because swore at her, she made the transcript say I was making sexual remarks to her. This threat went on for nearly a year, she even extended it. But last minute removed the charges (threat) and the court date disappeared. Since then, I steer clear when she threatens police. I've apoligised to her for things I wasn't proud off in the past. Explained how threating the poilice is too messed up. But she can just act like everything is fine in a second - infront of my friends. I'm 21. The toxicity is having a serious threat and she always steals my dads money. He has to hide it from her and they dont even sleep in the same bed. Financially i cant move out yet.

Have you been GHOSTED and how did you deal with it

replies: 4

I have a terrible heart sinking feeling I have been ghosted by a man that I really have feelings for. We have been in contact for 5 mths and we had a date 2 weekends ago! The date was perfect and we got along so well but since then he has been very d... View more

I have a terrible heart sinking feeling I have been ghosted by a man that I really have feelings for. We have been in contact for 5 mths and we had a date 2 weekends ago! The date was perfect and we got along so well but since then he has been very distant. He did send me photos a week ago and then I told him I was so attracted to him. His response: Oh! Boy! Blushing So I responded you wanted to know what I was thinking! He never responded! I have messaged him Friday, Saturday and Sunday with no response even saying I would love to see him again. i want to call him out by ringing him tonight but scared I will really lose him for good if o call him What have you done in this situation? This whole ghosting thing is just cruel!!!!

Co-worker crush

replies: 5

I'm looking for some advice as I have absolutely no experience with relationships. I'm in my mid 20s and I've never dated anyone and am super self conscious about this. There is a guy that I work with that I have had a crush on for like four years. H... View more

I'm looking for some advice as I have absolutely no experience with relationships. I'm in my mid 20s and I've never dated anyone and am super self conscious about this. There is a guy that I work with that I have had a crush on for like four years. He's the only guy I can honestly say that I've ever been legitimately interested in, but I really don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm terrible at reading the signs and can't tell if he is interested in me. I feel like maybe in the past he may have been trying to flirt with me, but I was too naïve to notice and that I have blown my chance. I'm too scared to actually go for it and ask him out, particularly since we are good friends and we still work together. I don't want to ruin that, or have things become awkward at work. But I also am really struggling to stop thinking about him. I tried to make peace with the fact that we would probably never be more than friends, particularly with him being a few years older than me. But I still have really strong feelings for him, and it can be hard at work. Whenever I talk to or message him I always feel like I'm being annoying, as I've never been any good at keeping friendships either. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to navigate these feelings as I've never dated or broken up with anyone or had to move on. Any advice would be appreciated!

new baby - wife hates me. anyone else experience this?

replies: 9

hello all we had our second child 5 months ago. our first child was hard work and I never really wanted the second as much as her. that said I love them all. since about 2 months into the pregnancy..my wife seems to hate everything I do and say, this... View more

hello all we had our second child 5 months ago. our first child was hard work and I never really wanted the second as much as her. that said I love them all. since about 2 months into the pregnancy..my wife seems to hate everything I do and say, this was the same with the first baby. nothing I ever do is good enough, or "right". every single detail gets criticised or complained about. I feel like I cannot do anything right. she is permanently angry and our intimacy and connection has gone. she blames me for it all. she is good with the kids, but is permanently annoyed and withdrawn. she shows no other symptoms of post natal depression, other than irritability and rage at me. I have tried really really hard to do everything I can to correct the tiny behaviours.. its really trivial. (I didntput the pegs on the line the right way) is this normal? I remember hazily, that this happened the first time around too. but got better after a year. we have seen a councillor for 4 sessions, but he seems to recommend "vanilla" suggestions that dont seem to restore any warmth or loving action to us. she seems to resent me, almost hate me... and everything I do, say or try gets her angry. and its getting me down. anyone else? cheers WJ

suffering from trust issues and desperation

replies: 5

Partner and I have been together for 12 years and seven years in marriage. I am 27, and he is 32. We were together since we were young, and the age gap was not an issue as we were living in Jakarta, and I am half Indonesian. It is commonly accepted, ... View more

Partner and I have been together for 12 years and seven years in marriage. I am 27, and he is 32. We were together since we were young, and the age gap was not an issue as we were living in Jakarta, and I am half Indonesian. It is commonly accepted, and I adopt some of the cultural values (if anyone is going to call me out on the age gap). Since we got together back in 2009, it was okay in the first 12 weeks, and I started seeing red flags that I completely ignore. He likes to do things behind my back until now, such as texting female friends and liking their pictures. All over his social media, he is following women and would sometimes engage in flirtatious texts. He often would delete them, so I do not find out and asking for their mobile numbers. From my perspective, he likes to collect all of their numbers even though they haven't spoken in years. When our first child was 12 months old, I received an anonymous message that he slept with someone weeks before our wedding. Over time, all of the behaviour above lead to the extreme form of betrayal. Fast forward, I stayed because I felt that I had to, and there was no other way out as I was financially dependent on him. I came back to Australia with our first child at the time and brought him here. Things got better because Australia wasn't his territory, but I gave it another go. We had our second, and things got bad again. He made a secret Instagram account containing his colleagues of opposite gender chatting to them in flirtatious ways and other women I do not recognise. There was a lot of talking with other girls that I caught him in, and he would use his obvious trick using promises to change. Very recently, last year, I found he visited a strip club, joined and subscribed to only fans, and he grew to watch porn more often than usual. All of this was ended with him promising me to change. I can see the pattern of his behaviour that varies depending on how he feels about me. He is expected to repeat the pattern when we are in a fight because sometimes, when things are well, I still caught him. I don't trust him. Respect is non-existent, and I feel stuck. I wanted to have a family but not this way. If I leave, he will always try to win me back, and when he does, he will go back to his old ways and funnily, I always ended up not leaving him. Every day I see myself wasting my life away, empowering him to take control over my life due to my inability to choose me and move on. I HATE MYSELF

Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

replies: 92

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum. My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've m... View more

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum. My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety. He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time. My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick. Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore. He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child. My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

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Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

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