Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[lost6]

Hi everyone,

I hope this is ok, I thought I’d give you a look at the situation from my end on the hope it will show you how important communication is.

My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided, only the day before we were planning Christmas with his family and started organising our New Years trip together. I had noticed in the few weeks leading up to the breakup that he was stressed however when I brought it up he said it was uni exams. Other than this our relationship was amazing. He had told me multiple times I was his soul mate and I thought we would be together forever.

when he broke up with me he said he was feeling anxious and depressed in his life, however this was the first I had even heard of it. He said he assumed it was the relationship causing it (there were no problems in the relationship though) and therefore it had to go from his life. His plan is to live alone for 6-12 months to work on his mental health and has asked for zero contact from me. I have recently decided that I won’t wait for him because I need to look after myself. I am still heart broken and devastated that he did this and I wish with everything I had he had just talked to me about his struggles. I also have a sister with severe anxiety so I understand the need to discuss things.

what I’m trying to highlight is the importance of communicating with your partner. Let them know if you’re feeling anxious, if there’s something with the relationship is upsetting you or if something else is upsetting you. If you love your partner give them a chance to be there to support you, don’t assume they don’t want to help you. Like people have mentioned above, if you love each other you will move mountains to stay together. It sounds like all of you want to stay in your relationships which is great, because it’s the first step you’re taking to fighting this! I honestly wish you all the best in your relationships and that you all get a happy ending.

I hope this helped a little bit.

[Mitchy802]

Just wondering:

For those people who have had their partners suddenly cut off contact because they need to think, what was the outcome? Did they walk away in the end?

As the partner who was left behind how did you deal with it? Did you try to intiate contact and did this make it worse? Or did you struggle silently and give them the space they said they needed?

[angel33]

Hi Helplessanxiety, I’m also new to this forum and I found it really comforting seeing people going through the exact same thing as me but I haven’t seen that many stories with finding a solution or if breaking up is the only solution, how did you go with your experience? did you end up resolving it or working out why it happened? I have days of clarity but other days I’ll be completely consumed with guilt for having doubts or intrusive thoughts that I have to break up but when it comes to actually thinking of breaking up, it hurts so much and I’d miss my boyfriend so much and not just the relationship, help please

[angel33]

Hi just wondering if you found a solution?

[Damien2812]

Well this thread has also resonated with me too so around 5 months ago I broke up our wedding planned for october. Sometime in april we visited her brother in laws place where her brother in law asked us if we have found somewhere to live after marriage I said yeah we will rent until Im finished paying off my car loan and change jobs since work was far from where we were going to live. His reply was why rent when house prices were low and renting is dead money from that it went back and forwards with him telling me to sell the car and buy a house. I told him no Im not selling the car which was something I wanted long before I met her. So this went back and forward with my fiancee agreeing to what he was saying by that point I was really worked up, low and angry. Anyways next day my fiancee told me if we don't do this now where going to have issues by that point it didn't settle in until work the next day where I started to think what was said over the weekend regarding my car etc.. During these thoughts my intruition said Should I break up? From that point I fell apart slowly and tried for 2 months to get on top of those thoughts which changed to do I love her? and do I want to get married? when I started to use CBT on my break up thought. Anyways I ended the relationship in july and slowly my anxiety started to dissipate and now feel myself again. I still think about the relationship, the companionship, the intimacy and just how much places we went together which I've missed over the holiday peroid but I don't get any thoughts of getting back together.

[Anxioussydneysider]

Hi everyone.

Not sure if this is still being read but I found this forum last year and it really helped me. I’ve been with my partner for almost a year, and my anxiety set in a few months in. I didn’t realise what it was until a few months ago. At first I thought the spark was going, my attraction was dying and that I had to end it. This obviously led to a fight because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. I had an anxiety attack when that happened and threw up. It’s probably my worst memory.

This anxiety repeated each month, usually around my period and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t realise that my anxiety would set in each time I became comfortable. I spoke with my parents and they tried to help, saying it was just my hormones. No one in my family suffers from anxiety.

Eventually it got to the point where it didn’t disappear. And my boyfriend can always sense when something is wrong. I’d have “bad thoughts” that made me feel guilty. Thoughts where I’d wonder what if. Or if I wanted someone else. Or scared that I’d feel for another guy. Even though when any guy comes up to me I’m completely cold. I’m at the point now where I know that my head and my actions in those circumstances don’t match up. I worry about doing the wrong thing when I’m not capable of it.

My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and we’re at the point now where I can talk to him about what’s bothering me. I’m so glad I can confide in him. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. It caused a problem when I first told him. But articles and reading others posts about this stuff helped him understand that it wasn’t because of him or us. It’s just something I can’t shake right now.

i guess I feel guilty for these thoughts because I feel I’m doing wrong by him. That I shouldn’t keep it from him. But then, I never want to tell him because I know it means nothing even though I can’t convince my brain or anxiety of that. I’m glad I have him to talk to, and I’m glad it’s at the point where it doesn’t bother him anymore, and he can say to me “it’s just your anxiety, you don’t [insert whatever issue it is]”. I also hate that once I confide in him, I expect the guilt and anxiety to go away. And it doesn’t.

Some days it’s better. Some days it’s crippling. But I am thankful I’m not alone. And that there is a forum here.

[SJ17]

This morning i was feeling really lost, when i stumbled across this post it really resonated with me so thankyou!
I have never suffered severe or been diagnosed with any form of anxiety. The last 2 months have been terrible. I feel like i am no longer in control, suffering palpitations, chest discomfort, sometimes nausea and definite weight loss.
I also dont feel like engaging with my friends like i usually would or being as active.
I cannot pin point when it all started exactly. Now that i think back about 6 months ago or more i was having a hard time deciding on my career path. I was overwhelmed and feeling like i no longer wanted to to follow the same career path.
That had been on my mind for sometime. My partner has also been on and off work since we have been together (2.5 years). He works in the trades industry and the work is never reliable. He has had mutliple jobs and is currently off work
and trying to find another job.
About 2 months ago i started doubting my relationship. Around the same time i was still having career doubts (first time i really cried about it)> i found i was envious of my friends for what they were achieving. Ruminating thoughts crept in which i tried to push away but that seemed to make it worse. I find myself holding back tears most days and sometimes losing it to the point where
crying hysterically and asking myself 'why am i like this? whats wrong with me?' I feel so guilty about having relationship doubts and dont know why they are there! Is it his job sitaution? I also pondered whether i am not as phsycially attracted to him anymore due to recent weight gain
(i hate myself for saying that). I think back to the 'honey moon period' and the lust you feel and try to remind myself its normal not to feel that way now...it just transitions into a different feeling but it doesnt mean you love the person any less.
We have also been living with his family for the past 2 years saving for a house (7 people including us live in the house), its starting to get to me as i dont have my own space. We have not moved out previosuly as we were saving for a house and his job situation has left me feeling insecure i guess.
I feel terrible as our relationship is amazing. He is my best friend and from the first moment i met him i had no doubts i would spend the rest of my life with him. He is amazingly supportive (even through all this) and we hardly ever
fight, we laugh and have fun. To be continued...

[HiImZeke]

hi so i don't really know how this whole thing goes but i really gotta know if you found a solution cause like the other 67 people who have find this i feel like i'm going through the same thing. im in high school and i feel that i really truly care for this girl but i started having similar thoughts and i just want them to stop. its gotten to the point where my girlfriend is saying if it continues then she doesnt know if she can cope with it anymore.

please help.

thanks.

[Maui757]

Hi All,

I have posted on here a while back, as I am one of those with some severe anxiety issues and it hits my relationship really hard.

The past week it's been in full force, and I really thought it was the end of my relationship with my long term boyfriend (over 6 years now!!). But then I realised that I was also dissociating, I was losing interest in everyone, not just my partner. I had no sex drive (unusual for me), and all the physical symptoms of severe anxiety.

There has been a lot of external stresses in my life lately (unrelated to my partner or our relationship) which have obviously been adding up. Then our relationship has been a little rocky as well (a tough patch) and we've been arguing a lot because we are both at weird points in our lives (I'm 25, he's 26 turning 27). We're both learning how to deal with it and struggling.

However! The doubts about our relationship hit an all time high this last week and a half, and it was horrible. I felt awful, in a constant state of anxiety and panic, unable to sleep, unable to do anything. Absolutely everything would set it off - A song about love, a comment on a facebook post, something someone said. Anything that my brain could relate back to potentially being about a relationship would trigger more panic.

I eventually told my partner how I was feeling, and although it wasn't a nice experience for either of us, I started to recognise that I was likely thinking and feeling under the "anxiety mode" rather than a normal, rational mode. It helped talking to him about how I was feeling, as he agreed it was anxiety, and reminded me it's happened before. After that, I started to calm down a bit.

It is still there, but not as bad. I think the key to helping it go away is trusting that my anxiety will eventually pass, and not to make any rash decisions in the meantime. Also, trying to help reduce the other stresses to reduce my anxiety overall DEFINITELY has a good impact.

Focusing on the good parts of our relationship, where I find myself laughing with my partner about an inside joke, or a brief feeling of loneliness when he's not with me, I use these to remind myself how much I love him. It's slowly coming back 🙂 It just takes time.

I hope this helps some of you. It's a hard process, but remember you're not alone, and it's "normal" for us anxiety-ridden peeps!

Maui

[Emptyspaces]

Maui, your post has been really helpful to me. I've been experiencing similar problems in my own relationship with insecurity getting to me and making me misinterpret msgs, and worry about all sorts of extreme situations like my partner cheating on me with his old flame or finding someone else or getting frustrated with my constant need for reassurance right now. Thank you for your post 🙂 after reading it I think I will talk to my partner soon about my anxious thoughts so he can better understand.

I hope things get better for you and the anxiety passes soon, glad your partner is there to support you and soothe you when you're panicking