Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

[Scared_and_Confused]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in. 

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired. 

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia. 

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing. 

[Maui757]

Hi everyone 🙂

I just read AAA’s post about their success in beating this anxiety, and I wanted to add my own because it inspired me to see others having success - it gives me fuel to keep on fighting. I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years now, and the first 3.5-4years of it I was plagued with this anxiety about ‘do I really love him?’ And often couldn’t feel any emotions towards him. It took a long time, and some work with my Psych, to learn to recognise these moments and the thoughts as what they really were - anxiety. Once I learnt that, it got a whole lot easier.

It wasn’t smooth, and I found I’d be good for a few months and then the thoughts would sneak back in without me realising, and I would be back to square one. But I would start the fight all over again, and work through it. I communicated everything with my partner, and I swear he is an angel from above because he was SO understanding, he didn’t doubt me for a second. So he gave me space, and I learned that I could spend time for myself and it didnt mean I loved him any less.

Now things are just amazing. I feel more in love with him than I ever have, and whenever the doubts start to creep in I just sigh and sit back and wait for my anxiety to realise I’m not biting anymore! It’s not nice, and I don’t think it will ever fully go away. But I have so much trust now that my feelings for my boyfriend are very real and very strong. It DOES get better, and it DOES get easier. And the relationship I have now was SO worth all the hours of fighting.

Maui

[jlove]

Hi all,

New to the thread and so happy I have found this. I honestly thought I was going crazy and that no one understood. I am known to suffer from anxiety but boy has it been kicking hard (and I've been experiencing a lot of the same experiences as previous posts) since starting this new relationship. She's everything I could have asked for - beautiful, innocent, quirky and intelligent.

I'm 24 and I've been in the relationship for around 2 months. In the beginning, I couldn't get enough. From the moment I saw her I knew she was something special. And as I spent more time with her, I liked her even more.

About 2-3 weeks of seeing each other as often as we could (it was around Christmas so I could see her frequently), we both went away on separate holidays for New Years we had booked before meeting each other. It was during this my heart sank and I was felt that 'punched in the gut' feeling.

Long story short we would talk through social media regularly while we were both away. During New Years Eve I sent her a heartfelt photo and message on the dot of midnight. I, however, got nothing. Even worse, the last thing on her social media was her with a bunch of random guys - dancing. I honestly felt heartbroken and because it was early stages, didn't want to confront her on this. So, me being a boy instead of a man, I ignored her and left it to fissile out.

We ended up talking about it later and to my surprise she was spending the whole holiday telling everyone about me as her boyfriend. Including rejecting those guys because she had a boyfriend back home. Strange because I didn't get this sense from her snapchats or messages. But it was a sigh of relief.

Since then, my anxiety has steadily risen and I haven't been able to feel the same. It lead me to becoming suspicious when I needn't be and asking inappropriate questions until I found something that hurt me even more (when it's entirely irrational and shouldn't).

Now I torture myself with these thoughts as well as other stresses: "is she the one", "is she worth it", "is it anxiety or my gut telling me something", "should I fight or cut my losses", "it's early days so may as well break up now"...

[jlove]

continued...

It's worth noting that I haven't been happy with my living situation (job, friends, family, etc) long before I met her and have been planning to leave the country as I have been offered a job overseas. I'm waiting for the visa to be approved and despite being with her I will still leave. But she's expressed being open to coming with me.

I'm interested in everyone's thoughts on my situation and what they would do.

I continue torture myself with these thoughts and questions all whizzing around in my head that it gets to the point I can't concentrate at work, perform basic tasks like shopping, or remember the simplest of things.

I'm constantly torn between staying with her and enjoying the moment or cutting it off and fully focusing on the future. All whilst torturing myself with thoughts that shouldn't be a big deal and some that don't even exist. But I'm so on edge and nervous all the time that it's hard not to jump to those thoughts.

I'd love to know everyone's thoughts on my situation. What would you do?

Thanks in advance and hope I can get through this!

[desperate_rat]

Hey jlove

Although I dont have much advice I want you to know I resonate so much with your situation - so much so I cannot give you advice or I'd be taking it myself.

I'm currently in therapy and searching for the right medication as I truly believe this is all down to anxiety. It sounds like you had pre-exisiting problems too so maybe give them some attention first?

From my own personal situation I honestly feel like I'd regret cutting ties when I haven't sorted myself out first. Perhaps it'd just all happen again with someone new anyway until I get better.

Also - ending it now because its new or ending it after some time, would probably not have weight on how much it would hurt either way, imo.

Sorry it hasn't been great advice, just know you are not alone and things always work out in the end.

[jlove]

Hi all,

After going on anti-depressants, visiting a psychologist, some serious soul searching and long thought: I think I've come up with a possible answer as to why we suffer from this relationship anxiety.

1. Your biological disposition to anxiety. This triggers the fight or flight response. And boy, do I know mine kicks hard. If we feel strong - we stand and fight (positive). We we feel vulnerable - we try to run (negative). If you're a highly anxious person, I'd recommend bodybuilding, powerlifting, boxing or martial arts to help rid your excess adrenaline.

2. You had an unhealthy education on relationships from your parents and/or first partner. I definitely know this is true in my upbringing due to the fact my mother was over-controlling in everything I did as a kid and my dad was avoidant and abusive. My father cheated on my mum and I've even been cheated on in a relationship. This develops your attachment type.

3. You don't love yourself or you're insecure. You haven't managed to figure out the ingredients you need in your life to make yourself happy. When you fall in love, you lose yourself and start becoming someone else in order to please your partner. It's up to you to remain strong, stable and your true self during each stage of the relationship.

4. You're simply not ready. You started the relationship out of weakness rather than strength. It was the answer to your problems rather than an addition to your life.

And guess what... all of the above is completely fine! Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

In my experience, I know this is definitely coming from a place of guilt. I'm trying to force myself to be ready.

If you look deep down I think we all know the true answer to our anxiety. Are you pretending? Are you biting off more than you can chew? Have you experience past trauma which has been unresolved? Do you need a professional opinion? Does your partner value the same things that are important to you? Can you be your true self with them? Do you even know who you are or what you want? Can you trust yourself?

Happy to hear your thoughts on my theory.

[Drowinginmyanxiety]

Hi all

I had my first session with my counselor today and came home and have cried for the last 2 hours and then found this forum which has given me so much comfort, I thought I was the only one feeling like this , but I'm so glad i found this because it was driving me insane !!

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I had trouble opening up when we first got together because of my previous relationship, he broke up with me because of my depression when he found out I suffered from it but the real reason was because he was cheating on me and is now married to her, it broke me more than anything has.

So the first part of my relationship I'm in now was hard , but once I opened up it was incredible! My partner is truly amazing , so caring and supportive and loves me so much ! I had never felt so much love for anyone in my life and then that feeling and those thoughts came into my head and my life 3 months ago and it's been so unbearable to live with! I know if I was to break up with him I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life , but the thoughts never leave , from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep they are there ! When I've been with him I dont feel the same love I did before so it makes it worse and I read into it so much more , to the point where I feel like I dont feel anything anymore in general !

I know I have a lot of past trauma to heal from too which can be making things really bad ! I feel like such a burden to my partner and I feel like one day he wont want to put up with it anymore either !! He reassures me all the time that I'm the love of his life and he is never leaving ! It's hard to trust that because of my past but I'm hoping with the help of my counselor I can overcome this !

I'm able to communicate my thoughts to him and he is so understanding and tries to help me as much as he can , he is a beautiful soul !!

I feel inspired after reading everyone's posts and for the first time in months I have hope that I can get through this !

Thank you to you all for making me feel like I'm not alone in this !!

[Hopeful9]

hey ! Ive never struggled with girls, but never been able to commit to pretty much anything not just relationships, but yet its something I've always wanted to be in a loving relationship and to have someone to look after and build together. I've struggled from time to time with anxiety and depression through out my 35 years and sufferd with lowe self esteem even though i always come across relaxed and confident to others. since I've been in australia I've been very lonely at times even though i have brilliant mates i still never felt i had the special someone , until i met jane. i really grow to love jane , her morals what she stands for her independence her looks too everything. i get so much out of doing things for her and making her smile.Things were going great up until about 2 months ago where i started to get stressed out about things like my job which i never get any satisfaction from , i stopped playing team sports which i love and seemed to just be waiting till jane came home , i used to want to spend all my time with jane and felt off when jane wanted to see her friends ect which i now see as not being a problem more the way i was viewing it.about 7 weeks ago i started to go down hill more stress from out side things had built up and i started to feel very depressed sleeping a lot and having no motivation to do anything and being very negative , it got that bad that i started to have anxiety attacks and really was low , on the thursday i was so emotional that i was just crying and jane was holding me i was saying things like how am i going to support us and our kids (that we don't even have) and please don't leave me and i dat want to be like this for ever, she was brilliant and supportive I CANT STRESS ENOUGH HOW GOOD SHES BEEN, then the very next day i felt ok got in my ute drove down the road and my gut turned and i had a constant thought of its you and jane thats the issue all day night i tried to fight it until i couldn't hold it in and said we should break up. a very emotional time for us both followed and i ended up having bad anxiety attacks and was taken to hospital.i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, six weeks has passed and I'm still getting the rumination in my head of you don't love her , stay away from her , ect ect yet when i see her i feel good , and then i get the thoughts back.i really want it to work but am struggling with the thoughts are they true, is it the depression, am i struggling with commitment? help

[MomTowbray]

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to say that much like a lot of other people on here I have related to this thread a lot. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now and she's my absolute everything. She makes me so so so happy, we're just such a good match and she's my rock. Around a month ago I randomly had a thought about falling out of love with her and it just spiralled... HARD. I've been seeing a psycologist and that has helped a lot, although our sessions are fortnightly so its a fight to get from one session to another. For anyone struggling with that, I've been calling the On the Line helpline between sessions, they offer over the phone sessions and it really helps if I'm freaking out and need a professional there and then.

Anyway...

So I've been spiralling like crazy and it just feels so horrible, the guilt of feeling this way and thinking these things is so horrible, I feel like my stomach is just going to implode every time I think of a life without my girlfriend. My heart is telling me that she's the one I want to marry but my head is telling me a million things at once and it's really hard.

But there is one thing that I've always been told that has helped me at least a little bit through this...

"In life, anything that is worth it, is going to be hard."

Simply, if you have a good relationship, worth staying in, some points are going to be hard. There's going to need to be effort and persistence and sacrifice, but i truly believe that if you LOVE someone so much that you want to be with them you can, just hang in there. I'm still going through these feelings, but I am determined to come out the other side and be with this woman forever.

I hope you're all okay, hang in there and just let it come as it comes, don't force yourself to make ANY decisions unless you whole-heartily know that's what you want to do

Hang in there everyone

- Tom

[Its_an_emma_thing]

Hi all, Wow I am pretty speechless as to how much I am relating to each of the comments above. I literally felt like I needed to leave work this morning until I found this forum. I have felt so alone in these feelings for so long, until now. Reverse back 2 years ago, I moved to Sydney and moved into an apartment with a friend of friends (male) and we initially hit it off..during the first 6 months of living together we grew to be best friends, socializing and doing lots together. Feelings did develop after about 8 months of friendship and we did start a "secret fling". This was exciting and I was so happy. We pretty much still acted as we had always done as friends except we were in the beginning stages of a relationship. After about 5 months(a confusing time for us both)we finally made our relationship official and have been together since (6 months officially). Lately we have been arguing a lot, primarily caused by my own insecurity and trust issues (caused by past ex's) My boyfriend is my best friend, I love him to bits and the more I fear loosing him the more I seem to push him away!? There is no reasoning to this behaviour, and I cant shake off the incredibly negative thoughts that seem to consume me. I constantly think he is going to cheat /fall out of love for me /etc..(even though he always reassures me and is very good to me, even in my most needy & vulnerable stages) I literally wake at night now just to hear that horrible voice in my head play out another negative and fearful scenario.. I have started to experience horrible nightmares about my relationship fears also. I'm so panicked that I keep thinking of leaving him but the thought of us not together makes me sick with upset. I find myself crying at any stage throughout any day and at this stage I'm finding it hard to differentiate between reality and what my mind is fabricating.. He is semi aware of my anxiety but I find it so difficult to fully communicate properly to him when I barely understand what is happening to me myself.. Only last month he expressed a few snippets of how he sees 'our' future together and this nearly made me burst with joy & happiness, as I felt "YES, we are on the same page" and since then I feel like I am destroying us.why?? even now I'm fearing it's too late and he's probably trying to think of a way to get out of our relationship...Should I make an appointment with a GP ? I feel so confused and so alone but I so badly want & need to feel like 'me' again!!

[Helplessanxiety]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum and would first like to say thank you to Sad and Confused for beginning this thread. I have been with my partner now officially for about a year and during this time I have experienced the same anxieties relating to weather I love him or not. One time it got so bad that I took myself to hospital as it was going on for days and seemed to be getting worse.

I don't know if I can be any help to anyone here as I am still searching for answers as to what triggers these unwanted thoughts. I am currently experiencing a bout of feeling numb, tired and just not being excited about anything in general as well as spells of crying unconsolably for lengths of time. It gets worse when I look at his face and I get feelings of guilt because I feel like I can't connect with him and he feels helpless because he doesn't know what to do to help, it's a vicious cycle.

I can remember two weeks ago feeling absolutely fine and enjoying time with him at his birthday party, now two weeks later it's like I'm a different person and it's hard to imagine what it was like feeling 'normal'. I wish I could pin point the exact moment when the anxiety starts so I could work out a pattern and try to understand why this keeps happening.

I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and I have been on meditation for depression for almost ten years. This is the first "healthy" relationship I've had and the first time I've seen a real future. I know in my heart of hearts that I love this man but when the slightest negative thought arrives it just takes over and the domino effect begins.

So far this forum has been the most helpful thing, like others have said. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories, it has been a great comfort!