Anger and hate toward my mother's church

[Van N]

Hi everyone,

Part of my background story

The doctor labeled me with schizophrenia, depression with some element of social avoidance disorder. Pushing people cause confusion to thinking I didn't want to be around people. I was afraid of rejection. I work hard to do well in my studies which resulted me attract the wrong type of people.
I grew up with no one from year 12. Had a crappy life with younger brother that bullied me along with his friends. Poor Atar score was a result. It just lower my self esteem even further. 6 years of engineering was crap as well. Bullies and my emotion of stalker and harasser got into my life. Extremely lonely.I don't remembered how my body aching with fatigue to point of my final year. Hated my mother church cult behaviour. Constant nagging from granny and my mother resulted hearing their hear my polar opposite thinking that constantly talking to me about how much i hate evangelical Church .
It is the attitude towards people that annoys me. Non believer mistreatment and not allow to question the pastor behaviour in putting people down to tears. Church uses source of isolation for non followers.
My mental health end up with family that criticise that I can fight it without going to doctors. Only my sister and one close friend that understand most of my mental health which help a lot. Negative thoughts and worries continued but the drowsiness of the anti-psychotic made me just want to sleep.
my way of distract that I really following quotes from Naruto is:
"Rejection is part of any man's life.If you cannot accept and move past rejection, or at least uses it in a writing material- your not a real man" -Pervy sage
"Getting dumped always make a man stronger, but then again men aren't meant to pursue happiness" Pervy sage

Take care,

Van

[blondguy]

Hi Van N

You speak from the heart and I am sorry for the pain you have been through....there seems to be a lot it that you have had to work through in your life. Not being able to question your pastor would have been hurtful after what you had been through Van.

I have depression with left over anxiety attacks and its a awful place to be in too. My older brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he 17 and was on a very strong anti-psychotic as well as the other meds

From what you have posted the 'non believer treatment' would have been devastating and been detrimental to your confidence and sense of well being Van

You also mentioned that your family used to criticize you for 'not fighting' your mental health by going to the doctors. With all respect...does your family understand now that mental illness is no different to a serious physical problem and requires a doctors involvement?

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post Van N. Your input here is just as valid as mine or anyone else's.

Thank you for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family Van N. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[smallwolf]

Tagging just now. Will respond later.

welcome to beyond blue. One thing I can tell you (based on what you said in the other thread) is that you will be accept and supported here, just as you are - no strings attached.

[Van N]

Hi Paul and Tim,
To be honest, they do not understand why I end up being psychotic and depressed in the past. I still don't understand why i panic in talking to people. Was told that I was too shy and sensitive. which attracted the wrong type of people in my life.
My aunt changed her understanding a little about my mental health ever since her son was diagnosis with serious psychosis (diagnosed less than 6 months). Me being diagnosed with schizophrenia due to abnormal behaviour in the past cause confusion on whether my harasser and stalkers was real. I have been bullied for years during my engineering studies and after leaving church. Where it was a toxic environment back then.

There is a big stigma on mental health from evangelical church, which annoys me. My mother talking to granny about my mental health. Seem to be all pointing the finger at hanging around with my cousin (recovering psychosis).

When he is not the blame but the behaviour from both my mother and granny. I still blame the church for influencing them and convincing about devils hanging around non-believer. They are believing that going to church is the only way to recover from mental health.

My cousin and I refused to listen to the church because we know stigma that church have on mental health as well addiction.

I will mention that I have a learning disability because I know full well, I had speech therapy and reading difficulties in the past. Always been a stressor over the years. There being studies on mental health on learning disability as well.

That is all I can say.
Thank you,
Van

[Van N]

Hi Paul and Tim,

I don't see myself a learning disability because the government still label me as one. I have no way to change that.

Sorry to hear that your brother was diagnosed schizophrenia. I am also a older brother that care really much about my mum and sister. But hate my younger brother.

He attacked my mother and sister back in the time. Not once but twice. Over something silly as money for clothing because of his peer pressure. I couldn't take it when people like him treat my family badly because he has issues.

But hearing my father talk today, piss me off. Because I was angry with my younger brother because he told I watched porn at senior college and that story covers up his behaviour. Covering up his irresponsible behaviour and treat my family badly until this day.

Only the teacher from Senior college know what was going on. Because I told what happen when my mum refuse to bring outsider to our family issue. She never learns from her violent divorce. What he has done to my sister and mum. Which result child protect police to talk about his behaviour. After the police left, my brother doesn’t see me a brother anymore.

The other story why I hated the evangelical church of Melbourne because of me watch porn was bad. Which got emotional weak being labelled in public and studies and church. I was sensitive about it but I lost my trust in them. which affected my studies in my engineer studies as well making friends.

If you want more about reason why I hate evangelical church. Simply reply.

Sorry if I upset you,

Van been up at 4 because I am piss off with dad.

[smallwolf]

Hi Van,

Apologies for not replying earlier.

Secondly, I will tell you a little of my experiences.

I am an Anglican since birth. But I also know some people that are evangelical. Most people in the church I attend and aware my situation are supportive. However, those who are evangelical have told me to pray harder, or God is only testing you, or something similar. Regardless of what they say, such comments are unhelpful.

Last year, I read a book written by a Christian about his experiences with mental health. It is titled "From over the edge" by Jon Grogan. If nothing else, the author says that God did not give you the illness, and its OK you need medication. It is nice to hear other people that have views similar to your own and how the coped. I would go so far to say that God/god is reflected in the actions of those around us. That means, you would expect those in the church to support and help you rather than do otherwise. Off my soapbox now.

You don't need to explain more why you would hate it. Unless you wanted to get it off your chest.

From what I read in your posts, you have had a lot to deal with in your life. Without going off on a few tangents, I would only ask what you would like to see for your future? How would it be different to now?

I hope you have had a OK time over Easter.

Peace,

Tim

[Van N]

Hi Tim,
At least you understand about how the evangelical people behave. I don't hate Christian unlike other people. Just only hate the evangelical Christianity naive idea on mental health. Hate people that with strange idea of mental health.
Want I want is my mother wake up and realised that the church she goes to is toxic. I stop helping an old lady from that church and hopefully she stop talking to my mother. And that the old lady become nasty to my mother for me not helping her.

Later focus on getting a degree in IT or computer science online. Work in software development or web development. Most likely doing part time study and working part time or casual.
Not planning to get into a relationship anymore because women in Australia not that supportive.
I am planning to go GROW mental health program. To get as much help to deal with my anger and emotion. And share my 9 years struggle. Book a psychologist for stress management to deal with the panic attack.
I am not sure about the future yet. It is still the unknown to everyone. Hopefully, became less angry and able to cope my emotion better.

That’s probably it. Hope you had a great Easter too and that you are doing fine.

Take care,
Van

[smallwolf]

Hi Van,

It seems like you have a good plan for yourself with getting professional help and going to a GROW program. I think evangelicals are passionate about their religion, and unfortunately that can also translate into being un-supportive in the areas like mental health.

One thing you might find out from either GROW or your psychologist is that you can cannot change another person, only yourself. So when it comes to your mother, be patient when talking with her. Habits and beliefs don't change overnight. And if I could give a small word of advice.... talk about how it affects you. And perhaps slowly, over time, your mother will become more understanding.

Tim