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I have no mum and feel completely lost, preengagement

Community Member

Hi all, first time poster here.

I lost my mum to cancer when I was 15, I'm 27 now and have been looking at rings with my partner, as we'd like to get hitched some time soon. Our relationship is amazing, I couldn't ask for a more supporting partner. I should be happy and excited but I literally can't. I have no mum to enthuse with, I have no mum to guide me, and I dont know how anything works when it comes to marriage.

My mothers side of the family is estranged from us and my dad doesnt really know how to act in this situation other than to be a dad. I have longstanding anxiety and dysthymia, and had been doing pretty well until one day it all hit me and I realised how much I need a mum. Please help, it has become overwhelming to the point that I dont even want to do it anymore.

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Congratulations on your engagement.

Do you have an older female figure in your life? That you can confide in? Are your bridesmaid/s supportive? What about your mums family-are they worthy of reconnecting with?

Just as an idea, there should be voluntary workers around your suburb or town that involve older ladies. Drop in and chat.

All the best. Be positive, the day will be great once the preceedings have commenced.


Community Member

Hi Plantsandcats (2 things I love as well!),

Firstly congratulations on such exciting news. Secondly, I too am a motherless daughter and know exactly how you feel. Planning a wedding, feeling happy and even knowing where to start just felt wrong. No one else understands what it’s like and thinks you should just be happy regardless of the fact the person you loved most is not there sharing in this massive event with you.

My advice is this - accept that whilst this is one of the happiest occasions of your life, it will also be one of the saddest not having Mum there to walk you through it. And that’s ok. Life changes after loss and for me my wedding was bittersweet but ultimately I kept reminding myself how happy my mum would be to see me happy.

If you are lacking female supports in your life (as I am/was), think of who the next best person after Mum was. Doesn’t have to be a female. If you can afford it, get a wedding planner. I found that a tremendous help when I was drowning in the sorrow that I should’ve been organizing my wedding with my mum by my side. Also from a practical point of view it was a huge help.

You knew your mum better than anyone. You will still have her guiding you through all these big moments in your life.

Community Member

Hi. Congratulations on your impending engagement. I can only imagine how difficult this would be, as a mother myself its one of my biggest fears, not being there for my childs special moments or needs. I'm 34 and I lost my dad 3 years ago, the idea of having another child and him not meeting them really distresses me at times. So I can understand why something so happy, can have such a bitter twist for you.

Your mum would have loved to share this with you if she could have, but the last thing she would want is for her not being able to do so to upset you.

Does she have a best friend you can call on? Or a sister you can get back in contact with? What about your partners mum?

There's a lot of information out there online, in books, wedding planners and even wedding venues that will help you get an idea of the process. My partner and I arranged most of our engagement and wedding together with little outside involvement, many couples I know have opted for this too. Perhaps you could use something of your mums, her engagement ring (as is, or reset) as your engagement ring? Or her wedding dress (as is, or a section or specal momento)? This may help you feel more connected to her in the lead up, on the specail days, and in years to come?

Be sure to talk to your partner about everything that you're feeling, that will help them better understand why you're pulling back, plus they may even be able to help more or have more personalized suggestions knowing how you think/work.