AITAH for wanting to go out

[Lotus_85]

So it's always been a problem, but has reduced over the yrs. I'm not able to go out with friends without feeling like garbage. Yrs ago I never went out because I believed I was selfish and mean for wanting to. These days I fight for it, and damn I have to fight. Most recent example...

Girls at work asked me to go with them for a night away, girls night thing and go to the big markets and winery near where we r staying. I told him about 2 months ago and was met with 'y would u want to do that, u do even like that stuff, I just think it's stupid and a waste of time and money'. Feeling guilty and horrible for wanting it, I fought and explained it's more about the girls night than anything. When I didn't agree that I was stupid for wanting it he said 'we were spose to go to those markets (coz I had mentioned I wanted to yrs ago when we were nearby but they weren't on that wkend). So then it was all about me taking an experience from him (even tho we could go another time, but apparently it's not the same if I've already been). 

I don't exactly remember saying it, but apparently I said I wasn't going. Now me yelling 'FINE I WONT GO' sounds like wat I would do when I couldn't fight anymore.  Nothing else was mentioned after that, I forgot about it even. I got reminded about the wkend the other day and reminded him. He made a snark comment 'u mean the trip we were meant to take?' I said no we could've gone another time. He left it, now I realise he left it becoz I had already promised him sex that night. Then last night... when I got home... he said it alright. Now I have apparently been lying to him for the last month planning away, and what else am I bullsh1tting him about. I took an experience from him and I lied to him and am so rude and and disrespectful for it... now I see this all very different. I see him being an AH controlling piece of xxx u can't stand me being away from him and doing something for me.

We don't have the best relationship and don't really spend another time together, I hang out in my room and watch netflix in my spare time and he hangs out in the shed doing his own thing. But it's my fault we don't hang out coz I won't leave my room. Partly yes but not all me. I like my space and we have nothing to talk about when we r together. We have made small changes lately like Saturday coffee dates with a walk on the beach so we at least have that time.

AITAH for wanting to go? For going out with the girls maybe 5 or 6 times a yr? I have to fight so hard and feel so miserable to have it. Maybe I am the AH.

He says come out of my room and hang out with him, but I sit and get bored while he smokes and watches Fishing, so I go back to watch my shows. I dunno.. just needed to get this out I guess without screaming.

[Croix]

Dear Lotus_85~

This is not a new thing, months ago you wanted ot go out with the girls and he was so negative you did not. It's happening again.

Wanting the occasional trip away and doing your own thing is natural, and healthy. Being cooped up wiht someone all the time -and basically doing only what he wants - is not.

There are things here that really worry me in your post. One is the fact that things come round to being your fault, when in fact that is not the case.

Also if you say you do not particularly want to do something but will becuse he likes it, that should be greeted not only with gratitude, but also a turn about so he does something to please you.

Having sex when you don't want to because he expects it, or for feel you need to do so to keep him is terrible.

In short all the way though it sounds fine for him to do what he wants, and you should just fall in line. That is no way to live.

Rather that just take my word for it that is is not a fair relationship, but an abusive one, may I suggest you give the experts in the field, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) a ring and talk over how you are treated with them , seek their opinion and their advice.

I'm glad you came as an outside perspective can often help.

Croix

[Lotus_85]

Hey Croix, Yeh its not new. This morning be beraded me telling me how i breached his trust and i'm a liar because i had said that i wasn't going, and I now want to. When I said he can make me the villian all he likes but im still going, i was met with 'I hope you have somewhere to live'. So now I'm definately not going. One night of fun with friends is not worth my kids and house. wtaf am i meant to do with that. If i could afford to, i WOULD leave, and take my kids with me (assuming they wanted to).

[Croix]

Dear Lotus_85~

I'm not in least surprised to hear this has been going on for a long time and he will use anything to control you (sorry to be so blunt). You did say you worked, which is a hopeful thing as it may mean you can have money of your own. No, maybe not enough to leave, but something.

I'm sure your kids are getting a terrible example of what domestic life is like, not something you would want.

I would think that whatever you do - leave or  resist or stay and behave as he wants are all horrible alternatives.  I do not know if there are any half measures you can take, or ways to built up your own feelings about yourself and protect your kids. As a result I'd repeat my suggestion to seek advice from 1800RESPECT.

If you tell them right at the start you can't leave maybe they have some suggestions that do not involve leaving, it's always best to be well informed.

Croix

[Lotus_85]

Thx Croix, ur not wrong about any of it. So last night he apologised for telling me I would have to find elsewhere o live, I'm spose to forgive him for saying something in an argument, which sure usually... but I am untrustworthy and a liar and selfish for 'lying' to him when I said I wouldn't go to end an argument. That is so dbl sided. This morning I almost feel like I am in the wrong but that annoys me too. Coz it's like a loop every time. Thus time is way worse than has been in a long time, but there r always niggles of my selfishness and preferring time with the girls over him that make me feel guilty every time I go out (5-6 x a yr). Not even sure wat or if I'm asking on here or if I'm just getting it off my chest.  Either way I appreciate the replys. I just feel like a lost course in a world of my own making... ending it isn't an option due to funds but I wish we could have a real relationship but I really don't think we know how. He says he wants more but sits in the shed and expects me to organise stuff and go to him and make things work, which I don't coz I am happy in my room watching TV. I feel like if he wants more he should offer a specific, like hey let's do dinner on Wednesday, hey how about we do a night away next month any thoughts where, hey I don't bloody know. But he just sits and waits and starts a fight wen I don't do wat he is expecting 

[therising]

Hi Lotus_85

I feel so much for you, given the situation you face and the many challenges within it. I think sometimes it can be so hard to work out exactly where things are going wrong in a marriage until we start gradually waking up to every way things are going wrong or have gone wrong in the past. Then it's like 'Ahh, I never noticed that before. How could I have been so asleep to that?'. Gradually waking up more and more can be far from easy.

I think it's definitely tougher when our kids are young, based on the fact it can be more affordable to stay in the relationship than face a lot of the financial struggles that can come with separating. It becomes about which situation is the least stressful. When the kids are older and able to financially support themselves to some degree, it changes the dynamics. From my own experience (with my daughter being 21 and my son 18 and having finished school) I feel I don't have as much to lose these days. Mine and my husband's relationship has become a strange one indeed. While the kids and myself live in the house, my husband lives in the granny flat in our back yard. I just couldn't keep doing the relationship anymore on his terms. He's not a bad guy, he just doesn't like to do a lot outside of work, other than watch tv and drink and have us go out to pretty much the same places for lunch once a week. That's actually how our relationship started about 25 years ago and I was okay with that when I too was a drinker. Without going into too much detail, we get along better now than ever before based on the relationship simply being one where we both contribute to the household while being very discrete 'friends with benefits'. I shared a revelation with him the day I said I just can't do the relationship anymore in its typical form: While we began a relationship together, all those years ago, it never developed into a truly deep friendship. While surprised by the revelation he actually agreed this rang true.

While we develop a deeper and more soulful friendship, he's requested on several occasions that we return to the way things were. My response, 'I can't do that, it'd just be too depressing'. Btw, I'm a major feeler or sensitive to what's depressing. It messes with me horribly. The way things were involved me becoming depressed by how soul destroying things were before hitting on revelations on how to make them more exciting and joyful. We'd be happy until we'd return to what was comfortable for him. Then I'd go into a down swing and 'round and 'round that would all cycle, a cycle that went on for years. Lotus_85, I gave my husband a challenge that perhaps might resonate with you. I challenged him to develop the romantic in him, to develop the excitement seeker in him, to develop the highly imaginative facet of himself and the visionary in him who can see a more exciting and joyful way forward, amongst developing other facets. A tough challenge indeed. When he asked me what part I was going to play, my response was along the lines of 'I romanced you on and off for years, developed exciting ways for us to share, stretched my imagination so far it actually blew my mind at times and I developed visions for us until all I could eventually see was no change, no matter what I did. And when it came to joy, I know I brought you joy because of how happy you were when I worked so hard on our marriage. Now, basically, it's your turn'. With his response being 'What am I supposed to do?', I said to him 'I'm not going to do any of the thinking because then we'd be back in the cycle of me thinking up everything that could be done in the way of change and I'm over that. Once you raise yourself to meet the challenge, I'll happily meet you there with open arms'. Lotus, I think it's fair to say to our partner, under certain circumstances, 'Don't sit back and complain things aren't going your way. Be upstanding and step forward; be alluring, seduce me, romance me, excite me, bring be joy and blow my mind and then you will become the most attractive friend I have ever met'. 😊

If the adventurer in you leads you to seek adventure, have those adventures with your friends who bring you great joy. Adding ventures is good for the soul. Repeating the same ventures can become soul destroying. Feed your soul.

[Lotus_85]

Yesterday I mostly avoided him, didn't talk much coz I'm pissed, last night I asked for his help building my desk even tho I didn't want to but I was stuck, he helped and I thanked him. I was feeling a lil less hostile so I though ok progress, small but progress. Then this morning, he says r just just gunna ignore me like yesterday, u said we were gunna move forward... ffs it's been a day and I'm still supposed to be on the girls night I wasn't allowed to go to.

He continues on that I manipulated and lied to him because I said I wasn't going in our original fight and then changed my mind about wanting to go. He compared it to 'what if I changed my mind about shooting up, same thing'. That's not even comparable. I'm so done. I'm so xxxxx done. He is screaming calling me manipulative and stuff over it and lying about trying to move forward, omg it's not instant. I can't click my fingers and be not peeved. Should I? Am I wrong?

[therising]

Hi Lotus

I've found there's a big difference between a partner clearly communicating their emotions through considerate and careful communication and communicating through an abusive tone that insights a sense of dread and/or fear. So, the issue is not so much about clear communication as much as it is about the way it's carried out. If you're coming to dread every time he communicates with you, it's definitely becoming a dreadful or dread filled relationship, which can become depressing and incredibly stressful. Completely understandable when it comes with you not being able to continue tolerating it. An intolerable relationship can become an unbearable one to manage.

[Lotus_85]

Been in this situation for what feels like forever. Once he eventually stopped the drugs he wanted more from me. More which I don't have to give. He wants to be the centre of mu world and I don't possess that kind of obsession.

Our argument has circled back around to him saying 'if u love me u will work on changing things for the better'. How do we always end with me being neglectful and selfish and needing to change.

[therising]

Hi Lotus

Do you feel the drugs made life seem easier for him to manage? Do you think now that he's no longer relying on the drugs to make things easier, he's looking for you to make life easier in a number of ways?

With my husband, he prefers life to be stress free outside of work, therefor he'll typically insist on facing stress free challenges. He expects others to make life easier for him, such as myself and our kids. While I acknowledge stress free challenges definitely make life a lot easier, as I've said to my husband on occasion 'The most significant challenges typically create the most significant changes, for the better'. Sometimes we gotta work hard for what we want. If we want a healthy relationship, it can mean some hard work at times for both parties in the relationship. Can't avoid the hard work by leaving it up to our partner to make everything easier or carefree. Typically ends up with one person doing all the hard work. From my own experience, I've found this tends to lead to resentment and the question 'Why am I doing all the hard work in this relationship?'.