AITAH for wanting to go out

[Lotus_85]

So it's always been a problem, but has reduced over the yrs. I'm not able to go out with friends without feeling like garbage. Yrs ago I never went out because I believed I was selfish and mean for wanting to. These days I fight for it, and damn I have to fight. Most recent example...

Girls at work asked me to go with them for a night away, girls night thing and go to the big markets and winery near where we r staying. I told him about 2 months ago and was met with 'y would u want to do that, u do even like that stuff, I just think it's stupid and a waste of time and money'. Feeling guilty and horrible for wanting it, I fought and explained it's more about the girls night than anything. When I didn't agree that I was stupid for wanting it he said 'we were spose to go to those markets (coz I had mentioned I wanted to yrs ago when we were nearby but they weren't on that wkend). So then it was all about me taking an experience from him (even tho we could go another time, but apparently it's not the same if I've already been). 

I don't exactly remember saying it, but apparently I said I wasn't going. Now me yelling 'FINE I WONT GO' sounds like wat I would do when I couldn't fight anymore.  Nothing else was mentioned after that, I forgot about it even. I got reminded about the wkend the other day and reminded him. He made a snark comment 'u mean the trip we were meant to take?' I said no we could've gone another time. He left it, now I realise he left it becoz I had already promised him sex that night. Then last night... when I got home... he said it alright. Now I have apparently been lying to him for the last month planning away, and what else am I bullsh1tting him about. I took an experience from him and I lied to him and am so rude and and disrespectful for it... now I see this all very different. I see him being an AH controlling piece of xxx u can't stand me being away from him and doing something for me.

We don't have the best relationship and don't really spend another time together, I hang out in my room and watch netflix in my spare time and he hangs out in the shed doing his own thing. But it's my fault we don't hang out coz I won't leave my room. Partly yes but not all me. I like my space and we have nothing to talk about when we r together. We have made small changes lately like Saturday coffee dates with a walk on the beach so we at least have that time.

AITAH for wanting to go? For going out with the girls maybe 5 or 6 times a yr? I have to fight so hard and feel so miserable to have it. Maybe I am the AH.

He says come out of my room and hang out with him, but I sit and get bored while he smokes and watches Fishing, so I go back to watch my shows. I dunno.. just needed to get this out I guess without screaming.

[Lotus_85]

The drugs definately made it easier for him, he had friends then too. He wants me to fawn over him and want to be around him all the time. I want to sit in my room alone. I just want to be left alone. I know I don't have a lot to give him, but it's all there is

[therising]

Hi Lotus

Definitely hard when we've been stuck in the same cycle or same holding pattern for years. It's like how do 2 people come to change out of that, individually and as a couple? Developing habits out of self preservation, necessity or need or something else then becomes about breaking habits that have served us well in some ways over time. They may not have been good or healthy habits, such as with self isolating or regular self sacrifice of some nature, but they're still ones that worked in a number of ways for whatever reasons.

The self sacrifice factor can be a hard one to manage. It's only in hindsight that I came to see the certain facets of myself that I sacrificed in some way. While my husband and I began our relationship as great drinking buddies, as I grew out of drinking, we began to separate in a number of ways. While parts of me began to come to life more, such as the adventurer, wonderer, visionary, goal setter, philosopher etc, I found I had to carefully manage those parts of me around my husband, as he's not a huge adventurer or someone who wonders a lot or sees a lot in the way of vision or likes to set long term goals to reach together. He's definitely not a philosopher either. I found, at times, it can be easier to sit alone than sit with someone who you have to suppress a lot of yourself around. Wondering if that kind of suppression is something you can relate to, while your partner was using drugs. If so, I suppose it could kind of feel like him saying 'Okay, now I'm ready to start really living life with you'. 'How to bring so many parts of yourself back to life, parts that you'd learned to suppress or sacrifice?' becomes the question. And when you've taught yourself not to care so much, so as to manage disappointment constructively, another question can be 'How do I begin to care and do I really care about learning to care?'. I think, in this kind of situation, we can appear as selfish (to our partner). In truth, what they're witnessing is the result of us having had to become more self reliant and independent, in order to manage. And while we may seek to adventure, wonder, visualise our future and our goals and philosophise with others, such as friends, what they can be witnessing is us naturally gravitating toward those who simply bring us to life more, in so many different ways.