Marital problems turned into wife having an affair

[NR32]

My relationship with my wife started to deteriorate last year. We found ourselves just going through the motions and would barely speak some nights. Most of this was caused by me being stuck in a rut and not making the effort. 10 days ago we finally had a conversation about it and how we both felt about where the relationship was headed. Our kids were staying at her sister's at the time and she was going to go there on the Saturday and I would go on the Sunday to see them before they went to stay with my parents for a week. She said I needed to think about what I wanted on the Saturday. I had a miserable day with so many thoughts running through my head. One of which was that she was cheating on me.

Come Sunday night we spoke about it again and I asked her if she was cheating on me. She said no. I said that I wanted to try and fix our relationship rather than just giving up. She said she didn't know what to do. After 2 hours of talking she tells me that something had happened with a guy she used to work with. She had been emotionally cheating on me for 5 months and they had sex in November. She said it only happened once. I felt sick and angry and I was shaking so much. I ended up going for a walk and calling my best mate (who is married to my wife's sister) and told him everything. He was super supportive and helped me calm down.

I went back home and spoke with my wife more. I said I still wanted to try and fix things. I still love her. 

In the week that's been I still want to fix things but she admitted tonight that she had begun to have feelings for this guy because she was able to talk to him about everything. It didn't come as a surprise but still hurts. She admitted that she should have spoken up about everything long before she cheated but I accept I should have said something as well.

She has said she wants to fix things but it doesn't feel like she is willing to put in the effort because she thinks I will always resent her and hold it against her.

I want to be able to forgive her and move forward but I need her to want to do the same.

Thanks and any advice would be greatly appreciated 

[Hepa4300]

Dear NR32

i am sorry to hear the problems you currently face in your marriage. I wish I had advice that could give you some peace. It is hard to love and care for someone so much yet not feel the same in return. I am currently in a situation not too dissimilar to yours and it’s communication that’s the key to keep you both moving forward. In my situation I’ve been open with her about what it has done to me, I didn’t care about the sex we all have skeletons in our closet, the lies to save face were the worst knowing they started long before the sex started and ended. But to move forward is to forgive.

I read something that has helped us move forward, I took it to heart and it has helped me in my situation.

No marriage ever ended from a single fight it’s the accumulation of little things that build up until it finally breaks people apart, the marriages that succeed are the ones where the couples don’t sweat the small things and manage to move forward from them.

I feel your pain NR32 I believe it’s worth fighting for the one you love.

Hepa