Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

[Lady45]

I was due to get married in 2 weeks time. 4 weeks ago, my fiancé moved out.
He used to be the most loving and caring guy i had ever met.

He has a daughter (4) and a son (12). I also have a son who is 7.

My partner’s ex hates my partner. She withheld care of his kids, alleged he assaulted her and alleged he sexually assaulted his daughter. I have supported my partner throughout this whole ordeal, preparing for and attending court as he fought to gain care of his kids. I thought if we could get through that we could get through anything.The allegations were thrown out of court.

I also supported him financially as he was always saying he had no money due to legal costs. After regaining some care of his kids he moved in with me. I rearranged my home to feel like home for his kids and treated his children as if they were my own. My son became very close to his stepbrother and sister.

After the property settlement he bought a $53,000 car. That’s when I asked him to start contributing to the bills.

We started planning our wedding.That’s when things started to change. My partner became disinterested in organising the wedding. All he did was organise the photographer. I organised everything else. He became quite argumentative and highly critical. Before Xmas, I suggested that we take the kids away for a weekend. He said he couldn’t afford it. Days later he bought himself a $400 watch. I paid for the weekend.

He withdrew emotionally and I became frustrated. I kept asking if he still wanted to get married? The answer was yes but his actions said otherwise. I threw my engagement ring at him. He moved out. As he was gathering his things I told him in anger to “get out of my house”. He moved back in 5 days later and we tried to make it work. When he told me the wedding was not the wedding he wanted, I cancelled the wedding. I couldn’t go ahead with it after he told me how he felt about it. We continued to argue. He said I'd withdrawn emotionally. I hadn't.

4 weeks ago he moved out to his parent’s home and told me he needed ‘security’ because he didn’t feel like our home was his house.He felt like I could throw him out at any time, despite living together for 18 months. 3 day after moving out he put an offer on a house. I told him this was a deal breaker. He bought it! Thinking we could resolve our issues living under 2 rooves. I was not considered or involved in this decision.

I’m heartbroken.It’s so hard knowing that we would have been married in 2 weeks time...

[grt123]

You're a smart lady for identifying the disparity between words and actions. People can say anything they like - but it's their actions that are the real measure. I suspect you were a source of comfort and security at a time when he needed it - and then he didn't! Find someone who deserves you.

[Lady45]

Today I'm feeling anxious and very teary. Can't stop thinking that it would have been our wedding day this coming Saturday.

I never saw this coming and feel like this is a nightmare that i want to wake up from.

It sounds crazy given everything my ex has put me through but i miss him so badly. It wasn't all bad during our relationship and we did have some really special and beautiful times together...this is why I'm in such disbelief that this has happened. I never expected he would behave like this.

I want to heal and i want to move on but i really don't know how.

I've cut all contact with him and haven't heard from him for almost a week...the longest we have not been in contact ever.

His house settled this week so I'm assuming he is busy moving in.

This week we should have been married. Now we don't even live in in the same town. I'm gutted and it's now been 5 weeks since we broke up and I don't feel like I've made any progress at all.

[geoff]

Hi Lady, it's not a pleasant thought to know that the wedding would be this weekend, I know it's disappointing but please remember what has happened and you can never be sure what surprises may have happened without your knowledge, which you could have disagreed with, no different to what has already happened.

You may remember the good that did happen in this relationship but there were reasons why you are no longer together, this can help you feel stronger and more determined to towards moving on.

My Best.

Geoff.

[Lady45]

Today i had to come home from work because I broke down. I haven't stopped crying all day.

A few weeks ago i messaged my ex fiance's ex wife (not the ex who is the mother of his kids). She messaged me back last night and as it turns out the traits of being controlling and selfish were there 20 years ago.

After one week of no contact i spoke to my ex today and told him about the messages. There was no love in his voice. It was icy. He said we are finished and he doesn't want to see me again.

Today it hit me. It's over. Final. I've organised for my son to stay at his Dad's tonight. I've had 2 friends come over and spoke to 2 friends. They've been supportive. I am so distraught that i rang the Beyond Blue helpline.

This is a nightmare I want to wake up from. It's not real.

I want the pain to stop.

[Shazzy62]

Hi,

I know just how you feel and I am feeling for you. Try and look after yourself, one day at a time, it's ok to feel sad, but just remember, these things make us stronger, you may have saved yourself a lot of grief in the long run. Try and have a good day 🙂

[Lady45]

I didn't go to work today. Spoke with my psych and she made me an appointment with my doctor. At one point they were going to admit me to a private mental facility due to my low mood and inability to eat.

I've never experienced so much emotional pain in all my life.

I've got great friends who have come to see me and take me to the doctors.

Just wish things were different. I'm still so much in love with my ex fiance. We would have been getting married in 3 days time.

I'm heartbroken and depressed.

[Croix]

Dear Lady45~

Contacting his ex was a brave and good move, you learned exactly what he has always been like and I believe in the long run that will help you see yourself in a better light - you did not cause any of this.

Of course it is terrible, heart-break is no small thing. It tuns your whole world into a truly horrible place.

It is however an injury, like being an an accident, and in both cases you need time, specialist help, support and all the resources you can muster to recover. I've found anger a good one. It helped me keep going when I was invalidity retired due to terrible management practices.

Try not to judge yourself, taking time from work, getting medical help, leaning on friends. All this is part of a serious injury.

Croix

[Lady45]

Well as i expected the day that should have been my wedding day felt like a funeral.

At 11am when i thought I would be saying my vows, i was sobbing uncontrollably while my friend comforted me.

I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy.

After much research and look for answers I've realised my ex is a covert narcissist. The worst kind.

I'm still in disbelief that this is my life right now. Every morning i wake up and BOOM! It hits me all over again.

I'm in therapy, on meds, trying to be a good mother and working full time. I feel like I'm just coping...existing.

I'll never forget or forgive this man for the pain he has put me through when all i ever did was show him and give him all of me in the way of unconditional love and support.

[Tess2]

Dear lady45,

what has happened to you is truly awful. This man is a disgrace. I understand that you are still in love with him, but he is just not worthy of your love. I could pour out lots of platitudes here, but you have most likely been told them by your friends.

It is really good that you have such supportive friends and are doing all the things that you are doing to manage.

you are entitled to be sad and angry and cry a lot, I know I would be crying heaps.

in time you will heal and get better and then you will be grateful that you did not marry this awful, awful man

tess

[Croix]

Dear Lady45~

I think you are absolutely right in your summing up of that person, I personally do not use diagnoses because I'm not a doctor, but my views, for what they are worth, are the same as yours. No chance of his changing either.

Yes at the moment you are existing -and coping. This is important and encouraging. That will, when you look back in a year or so, be one of the worst days yet you kept on. I'm glad you had a freind with you.

It gets better, grief does, so does loss. In dribs and drabs. You end up finding yourself laughing at something, or feeling affection for someone, even waking up and having something in particular to look forward too.

You are a responsible caring person with strength and experience and deserve a partner who will cherish you - and I honestly expect you will find one.

Hang in there Lady45

Croix