Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.

Mr K · ‎06-01-2020

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

Aaronsis · ‎10-01-2020

HI Mr K

I am so happy to hear that you had a great night with your mate at the cricket!! Just what you needed and in fact what you need to keep doing. Reconnecting and making time so that you too have things in your life that give you joy outside of the girls and your family. I am so happy for you, that is fantastic.

You will hear lots of stories and just like anything in life, choose what is relevant to you, some things are and some are not, so please don't get caught in others experiences that may in fact be just that..their experience.

I am so pleased to hear that things are somewhat peaceful at home, could you use this time to discuss with your wife what has just happened, how it has made you feel, that you want the future to be brighter and that you both need to do work to ensure that this relationship moves forward successfully, or if in fact there is still no connection and she sees an end, that you can do it with as much grace and peace as possible, for everyone's mental health.

It is great to hear from you and how positive you are feeling today, that is wonderful. I too am happy you found the forum here and I hope that we have given you some strength, you deserve happiness Mr K.

Hugs

Sarah

Mr K · ‎10-01-2020

Thanks Sarah, I hear what your'e saying about using this time to talk unfortunately I just don't feel up to that yet. It's like I've written before about asking those direct questions, I can't bring myself to just open a door that may let a nightmare in. My eldest daughter turns 9 in February and I guess I don't want to burst her bubble prior if at all possible or just before she returns to school, well at all ever if I'm honest.

Aaronsis · ‎10-01-2020

I hear what you are saying Mr K, and I do get it, why bring the clouds in when the sun is shining...however...if the clouds are lurking it is best to be prepared.

I totally get that after some pretty emotional time you would like to enjoy this peace, and especially prior to your daughter's birthday. You talk if you feel up to it and when you feel up to it, no pressure at all. Just take care of you. I think a little clarity could be good for you though, just so you are not anxious about what the future looks like.

I am so pleased that things are peaceful for you now, you may even find that seeing you are doing your own things and spending time with friends, this might be a wake up to her as well that you in fact will manage should you have to, on your own.

Huge hugs

Sarah

white knight · ‎10-01-2020

Hi Mr K

Great you went to the cricket.

You might know now how distraction does work, different environment, clear your head, different company etc.

When in low mood this is what you can recall and act on it.

TonyWK

courtza · ‎12-01-2020

Hey Mr K

This is my first time on this site and reading your topic and the advise people have been giving you has been comforting.

I am going through a very similar experience.

Your post on the 10th of Jan how home life is back to normal apart from the relationship with your wife is where I am at now. For me though I seem to be repeating the same cycle over and over.

I was on meds for 10 years or so which just numbs the fact that my marriage was a disaster. 12 months ago I quit the meds and started exercising and trying to be more active socially which has really helped but I still have some really dark times.

Things are currently really bad as I know the problem but can't seem to find a solution. I'm considering getting back on the meds knowing that this will make it bearable but it's certainly not the solution going forward as I'll just be back in the same holding pattern

Sorry for hijacking your post, I will continue following your story and hope it all works out for you.

Mr K · ‎13-01-2020

Hi Courtza, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this too. It's really difficult because the few people you are close enough to disclose this stuff to have no answers either. My life other than my failed relationship is pretty good, not perfect and not as good as others but on the whole not bad. Arguably you could say the same for my wife and yet clearly there is something so missing that she wants to throw what we have away and start again. As a mate pointed out a big part of this is the overwhelming feelings of failing, rejection, not being considered worthwhile or good enough. It's bloody hard. My head is all over the place with the constant mixed messages, e.g. plans for the house, holiday plans etc and all the while I'm constantly thinking something else is being planned too, i.e. a formal separation. Life goes well enough until my wife has a bad day then the bitterness returns and who knows whats going to happen. My parents both got emotional on the phone last night, it's hard for them too they have heads full of memories, walls covered with photos and are as confused as I was initially. One of my biggest hurdles at this stage is my fear of the future, I don't feel strong enough yet to face things so I'm living with uncertainty and my head keeps taking me to the worst case scenarios. I haven't slept properly for such a long time and that fatigue isn't helping. I'm too afraid to ask direct questions as I don't want to hear bad news and I don't want to force an ultimatum. For better or worse at this stage I'm just letting things kind of play out even though it's tearing me apart slowly. I just hope that either this thing resolves itself or that I find some inner strength through all of the adversity on the way. Keep in touch Courtza, if it wasn't for this forum I'd almost certainly be in a darker place by now. The advice is great even if it is too hard to action yet and the support and the fact that someone, even a stranger cares, does make you feel valued for a moment.

white knight · ‎13-01-2020

Google

Beyondblue topic inner peace- the glory of being you

Beyondblue topic abuse and its grey boundaries

Beyondblue topic planning a healthier mind

TonyWK

Mr K · ‎17-01-2020

Broken promises, secrets, friends who turn their back, fear of the unknown wow such a heavy burden. I'm so sick of the subtle deceit. I realize that any and all of the normal interactions my wife and I have are part of her delaying tactics whilst she puts her life together. Last night she unexpectedly went over to visit a friend who has recently separated with her partner, he walked out on her in that case. Anyway its all to do with planning the next steps etc. I feel really sad about the possibility of lost time with my girls (Terrified in fact) and am also really low about the potential loss of contact from my extended family. I really am starting to build up a picture of what the loneliness other separated dads have described. My wife and friends have arranged for us and kids to go out to the pub for dinner this evening, the deceit lingers and I don't know how long I can keep going. I worry so much that my eldest (8) daughter must see this and it must be affecting her, it's not fair.

white knight · ‎17-01-2020

Hi Mr K

Re" I worry so much that my eldest (8) daughter must see this and it must be affecting her, it's not fair." and recall part of my reply- "I rang my childrens principle daily for 6 weeks to see if our kids were coping "Tony, they are coping better than you, children are far more resilient and adapt to situations, as long as you are a dad to them they will be fine"."

Not that it is easy to ignore - your feelings of not being in control of your daughters emotions.

Also the thread - Beyondblue topic worry worry worry is a thread I recommended and it is to specifically address what you are feeling.

None of this worry would be doing you any good, in life there is a balance needed

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-balance-of-your-life

So I hope you might indulge in some relation and some distractions. All of us here know that hard work pays off with any effort you make.

TonyWK

Mr K · ‎20-01-2020

Writing as I still feel that the support and companionship I get from the forum is a big part of my not falling apart. I've had a very frank discussion with my wife and it is absolute that separation is the only possible outcome. So where to from here? We will set up different bedrooms in our home for now and that will be the point when we disclose to the kids. Now that this is out in the open I'm determined to try to work everything out so that the little girls are always first and foremost. I've asked my wife to try and tone down the animosity and to communicate with me. I get the impression that she has been telling friends I'm in denial and purposefully making things difficult, I can see how it's all too easy to be painted in a poor light. Anyway for whatever reason I don't think I'll ever really know, we are no longer a couple we are on the road to separation and I need advice on how to manage this process so my kids are best cared for. How do we co-parent separated? Where do I go to to learn about basic finances all the stuff my wife did for us previously? How do people move beyond a relationship that failed but become friends for their children? What don't I know that you can advise me about? Any and all advice and suggestions would be very welcome!