Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.

[Mr K]

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

[Mary_2]

Hi Keith,

Your planning and forethought, taking all inconsideration for your girls sounds amazing. Well done for getting this part sorted.
Involve them as much as you can on setting up their new home. Funnily it’s the little things that impress them the most. (As WK has written so beautifully). It’s also the memories of this time they will come to cherish too. We rented for a time but our spare money was spent on flower and veggie patches.

I have to agree with WK re investment property. Try and have some amicable financial talks with your ex. You cannot sustain all whilst transitioning. Maybe rent for a while and she forgoes any CS, if you continue to pay mortgage. Or vice versa.

This gives time for girls to settle into new environment and care arrangement. It gives time and opportunity for you and your ex, to sort the financial separation issues and discuss what future plans for all will involve.
It’s just buying and selling you both loose so much in transfers, taxes etc.

After 3acres and 58sq, I’ll admit 9months of renting a 24sq home wasn’t easy space or finance wise. But day to day with us was kept same. Just Dad didn’t live with us anymore. I paid rent, he covered the mortgage, as he was living there, and no CS until we sold up.

It meant I had time to get over all the emotional stuff, organise the financial separation, and have opportunity to find where we were going to make home. I was able to check into schools and activities that I wanted for the girls. As well as being comfortable, that as they grow up, it helps they can walk or ride to school.

It allowed time for kindy to finish too.

Sounds like you’re progressing well and admire your strength and support for your children.

Hoping some of my experience will help. Keep us posted

Mary

[Guest_7403]

Been reading the posts and it's always difficult seperating with children.

Im a father to two girls with my ex and have been through the medication, court process and settlements and id like to respectfully disagree with some replies.


1. There is no deal to be made with your wife regarding you paying mortgages in lieu of child support or you supporting her financially during the seperation
(She wants the marriage to end then she can deal with her own finances)

2. Decide what you want to do with the properties (sell, buy her out). Under no circumstances should youl keep them so that your wife can profit from them moving forward. If she wants rental income etc let her buy you out

3. You are the children's father and have the same rights as she has. Don't let her dictate to you when and how often youll be seeing the children

4. Start mediation now for the children with Relationships Australia, set out a goal of what you want....50/50 custody, weekends...whatever it is you want and try and reach a decision amiciably without involving the courts.

I hope i dont sound rude as I find many people do not navigate seperation and children well at the start and end up alienating themselves with no options.

Child support is child support, you reach a decision on shared time with the children and child support will calculate the payments. Theres no extra money to be given on top of that....thats on her to worry about. If she cant pay mortgage, rent, cars etc then thats her problem and she'll need to change her lifestyle as thats not on you

Sorry for what your going through

[Mr K]

In a couple of weeks, after my eldest daughters birthday we will be telling my kids that their mother and I are separating. I've had to practically beg her to let my little girl have one more relatively normal birthday. Anyway thanks to you all for your help getting me through to this stage, I've accepted the situation for what it is and now I need advice on managing the next steps in the process.

I've got a rough idea of how much child support I will have to pay which seems reasonable. I acknowledge that I will be responsible for half the mortgage on our current home and probably half the rates as well. Has anyone else been in this situation before and can offer advice?

Some of the options I have looking for a new home include:

buying an investment property with my wife and us paying half of each mortgage & Rates

Mother in law buying as above and repaying her instead of banks

Mother in law buying and renting from her

My mother in law wont let the separation affect my relationship with her to the best of my knowledge and she is certainly financially stable enough to afford the purchase of a reasonable property.

I'm keen to avoid the grand fire sale / splitting assets as it will further destabilize my kids and I'm the one who wants a smaller place to look after as my time will be very much at a premium in the near future.

So far I've managed to keep things as civilized as possible but I'd like some thoughts please?

Keith..

[Guest_7403]

Can you explain a little more as too why you think you need to pay half your soon to be ex wives mortgage plus child support?

[Mr K]

The mortgage / loan / debt is in both our names. Just because I wont be living there doesn't end my responsibility to repay the loan. Besides for at least half the time it will be my childrens home. Have you heard or experienced something to the contrary?

[Guest_7403]

Yeah like every couple that seperates.

She either buys you out and has you removed from the mortgage or you sell it and split the balance.

Is she going to pay half your rent? Dont think so

Child support calculate what you owe based on shared
time and thats what you pay.
Theres no additional payments, put your money to your own house and expenses.
Let her pay her own way your under no obligation to support her lifestyle and pay half a mortgage for a house you dont live at.

You really should get solicitors advice because the first thing they'll tell you is too stop paying

Sorry if my responses come accross blunt but it appears your quite submissive to your wifes wants when shes not entitled too them.

I sincerely hope that you get yourself some representation as it appears you could do with some guidance in this matter.

Take care of yourself