Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.

Mr K · ‎06-01-2020

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

Aaronsis · ‎20-01-2020

Hey Mr K

I am so happy to hear that the forum is helping you through this time in your marriage, it is a hard realization that it is coming to an end and that is always hard. I am so glad that you have had an open and honest conversation and that you can see the road ahead, as not knowing is very hard to manage. I will repost what I mentioned to you in one of my earlier posts and that is how me and my ex manage. We get along quite well now, infact better than when we were together, communication and honesty and respect are key. Here is what I wrote:

I too work full time as does my ex, I moved out the next week with minimal things and as long as there were rooms set up for the kids that was my concern. We wrote up a calendar and we sat together and filled it in with kids activities and what nights the kids where staying where, who was collecting them..all the finer details of the kids. We soon moved to week on week off, we swap over on a Sunday night, we hand uniforms over and any clothes and then they are returned to the other person on the Sunday night. I do my grocery shop on the Sunday before they kids come and make sure I have a meal plan and lunches sorted so that I can manage work and don't feel stressed about what is for dinner etc. As we share 50/50 and earn roughly the same we dont have child support to pay as we sorted this out ourselves. If a child needs new shoes one will pay and the other transfers half. Essentially on your week you do as you please, within the good premise of parenting. It is nice to have chats about parenting to make sure your kids don't play one off against the other, we called this out straight away..if dad says no the answer is no...if we need to have a conversation with out the kids around to "disagree" we dont do that infront of them so as to present like a united front. This also helps the kids as they see you cooperating and working together. Sometimes you are the bad guy and sometimes you are not.
The bills and things like that are mostly on line now and you can create accounts and pay them from your account.
I think as long as you make time for the girls and let them feel sad and let them know it is ok to be sad, to watch and see if they need any extra support, also letting school know this is happening is helpful as they can help and watch too.
One motto i live by "If you care about doing a good job, usually means you are"...it is when you don't care things can go wrong.

Once again huge hugs to you

Sarah

white knight · ‎20-01-2020

Hi Mr K

I too am impressed you both chatted and have some sort of direction.

Try and find a place nearby but also suss out if your wife will also resist moving house. If you think she'll stay where she is thats good. Then find a unit or house nearby.

Child support is often an issue and it is a tough one I wont go into the ins and outs of it as it wont effect you but it can be a very unfair pressure. I'd consult a family law solicitor to draft up an agreement as to the co sharing agreement - that way it is in writing. You'll likely be asked if you want it to be rubber stamped by a magistrate to, something to think about.

Budgetting is simple. draw a line down the middle of an empty page, income one side, expenses the other, make sure your expenses do not exceed your income. Nowadays people often have three accounts in a bank. One account for savings like for your kids or a car often only accessible by online. one for income that salary can go into and one for spending and bills. Ask your bank manager to set this up and you can do your banking anytime even at night on your mobile phone or computer.

In time your wife and yourself might end up friends- I wouldnt expect that. I'd aim for a chat together each time at handover- no longer than 15 minutes!! Your children will run around you both with smile and laughter seeing mum and dad talking nicely to each other. But too long and it gets uncomfortable for one of you. Cut it short and thank her for the chat.

Moving into a new place will be more difficult, but time will make it home. Remember Mr K, distraction is the key, fill your life with activities.

You are doing well.

TonyWK

florean_fortescue · ‎21-01-2020

Hi Mr K.

I stumbled across these forums yesterday and saw your post and felt it had some strong parallels to my own situation so I had a read. Thank you for your openness and candour, it is helping me to process knowing others are struggling the same (as grim as that may sound).

I know the next few months are going to be hard for you, but it seems there is some really great support here.

I look forward to hearing the positive moves you make in the future and some stories of the he fun times you have with your daughters.

Mr K · ‎21-01-2020

Thank you florean_fortescue, at this stage the only major concerns I have left are 1, telling my daughters and 2, the loss of contact that will follow. I've read so much about how others come to have great relationships with their kids in spite of the separation but for me I'm not looking for a break from them, my little ones fulfill me entirely and I love being with them and being there for them. That is probably the one element that is going to hurt the most. I'll learn how to deal with the other stuff but I'll never fully adjust to not being with them everyday. Certainly I hope to have an evening out with friends and start having a normal social life again after these years but my life revolves so much around the girls I'm struggling even now to process how different and hard it's going to be to not see them as much as I wish.

florean_fortescue · ‎21-01-2020

I know exactly what you mean Mr K. I'm still hopefully that once my wife and I start going to counseling that we might be able to right out relationship, but if we can't I think the things that fill me with most dread are
1. not being able to see him every day and
2. Not being able to explain why I'm not around anymore (he's 20 months so would be old enough to know me or my wife aren't there for a week at a time but too young to have it explained to him). The thought that he will be thinking that he's getting abandoned for a week at a time by one of his parents breaks my heart.

Mr K · ‎21-01-2020

Hi florean_fortescue, all the best with the counselling, I wish I'd taken that opportunity when I should have. It really is the most dreadful process and unfortunately we just have to go through all these stages. If I was truly honest I'd say that only a small part of me is sorry that my relationship is ended with my wife. She wasn't making me happy and I wasn't making her happy. My kids do make me happy and in truth that's all I'm worried about now. There were certain practical advantages that came with having a partner that I will loose and I'll need to come to terms with that and find solutions for what at the moment feel like impossible things to fix. I really do hope you can work it out but if not keep talking here at least and you will find some help accepting the changes.

white knight · ‎21-01-2020

Hi MrK,

Fully understandable looking at a future of less contact with your children is tough.

Consider this- Fly in fly out workers spend 14 days on the job and 7 days off. 14 without seeing their kids.

I worked shift work, 4x 12 hour days 2x midnight to noon and 2x noon to midnight then 4 days off, often working overtime. Hardly saw my kids.

Truckies dont see their kids for weeks. Got a cousin in Queensland. On his way from WA to Victoria was looking forward to a trip up to home. but the only load he could secure was Perth again then Darwin then Adelaide, didnt see his kids for 3 weeks. Even then first two days he was asleep.

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you dont know Mr K. But sometimes we need reminders of how kids and parents have sacrifices in life- because- that's life.

The other thing I thought of was - if you are getting on well with your ex, you can offer the other parent a skype meeting with the kids say on a Wednesday night. A friendly relationship also can evolve into something better. If your ex finds a social life or a partner and they want to go out when she has the kids, you will be the first choice especially if you life nearby. Also you'll be invited to their birthday party or visa versa. It's a win win. But in my case, try as I did for many years it wasnt possible- all depends on the person.

I'm glad you are moving forward though, even though it isnt easy.

TonyWK

Mr K · ‎27-01-2020

What have you done with regards to birthdays, public holidays and Christmas when it comes to the kids? Were there any things that you hadn’t thought about that surprised you later or challenged you that you wish you knew sooner?

Aaronsis · ‎27-01-2020

Good morning Mr K

This is a really great question and also shows me that you are really doing and thinking about everything you can to make this "separation" as smooth as it possibly can be and that you do have these girls best interest at heart and that is so wonderful.

The key to it all is communication...talk .....sometimes you get what you want on that day and sometimes you dont..I never get my kids on Christmas eve as it means so very much to my ex to wake up with the kids, so I let him have that one...one year I even went around and was with them when they woke up. Then they come to me as my main celebration for Christmas is lunch, then they go back at about 6 to him as his main celebration is dinner. So it works that way for us. Birthday's we always have the kids on our birthday, even if it is not our week, we can do a dinner etc..for the kids birthday sometimes is means having your own celebration on another day or doing something special at another time. Just because the event falls on that day also doesn't mean you can start your own traditions and own celebrations and maybe Boxing Day becomes your day to celebrate.

The key really is communication and also sometimes taking a hit and being flexible...sometimes u win and sometimes u miss out.....

I hope this is helpful for you.

huge hugs to you ....

Sarah xx

white knight · ‎27-01-2020

Hi MrK,

Sarah has some very good ideas.

My ex always liked our kids on xmas eve so she could watch the carols on TV. Also as I was a shift worker I could get good pay working xmas eve and/or xmas day so often I'd roster on for those times then pick up my kids on xmas evening. I'd spend boxing day with them and have family xmas day on the 27th. Reason is that then every family member was free from any family obligations. We would all be together.

Also as I had to travel far to collect my children and travel for work, I always has xmas at my place. This I insisted on as parents, family werent driving very far yearly.

Birthdays- I simply sent them a card and their gift in the mail. I have never placed a lot of emphasis on having to see them.

When ever I passed their school for work reasons I used to always buy a apple cake at the bakery and write their names on the paper bag and leave it at the school reception. These little things is enough to warm their hearts.

In my case my ex was an emotional abuser. My youngest turned out the same. Emotional games were constant. My oldest was like me, sensitive and vulnerable. When she reached 12yo she had her shoes stolen when at sports. Her mother forced her to wear gumboots to school. The school rang me after failing to convince my ex that it was hurtful. So I met my daughter after school and presented her with new shoes. That was the catalyst for her wanting to live with me. When she rang me one week later (in late November) wanting to live with me and my partner I told her that it was close to school holidays and I'd wait until the end of January for her to make sure she really wanted that and if she did I wouldnt want her to return to her mothers, that back and forth routine some kids do. I needed and wanted stability. She later told me it was the longest 8 weeks of her life and she had also tolerated some ganging up of her from her sister and mother, indeed emotional cruelty.

So she never went back. When she reached 18yo she stopped all contact with her mother. That was 12 years ago regardless of my suggestion she tries. Her mother has not tried either though.

So yes, there might be surprises in the future but all situations are different. The important thing is being a good part time dad and you already are.

TonyWK