Accepting that separation from wife is a matter of when and not will, what are my first/next steps, I have two young children that I cherish.

Mr K · ‎06-01-2020

After a long time of fluctuating between hopelessness and hope I've finally started the process of accepting that my marriage is over and separation is only a matter of when not if. I don't know where to start though, I've been so reliant on my wife for years that I don't know how to manage money, super, tax etc. Never mind how do I tell my beautiful children? How will I cope with being a single Dad hopefully with at least shared custody. How the hell do I manage working full time and dropping kids at school and day care it seems impossible and terribly hard on the children. I'm so time poor whereas my wife only works two days each week and has had a much longer time to process this stuff. I don't even have family here in Australia as I'm a permanent resident, does that status make a difference? I don't know where to start and I desperately want to do the best thing for my little girls. I earn a decent wage but i'm completely naive about how Super works, my wife has always taken care of stuff like that and I never dreamed we would separate. I know other people cope and hope that some informed advice will help me process this nightmare. I've told my parents which was very difficult and a huge step in accepting things but being overseas they are unable to help. How do I get through this and minimise any harm to my kids. I'm 45yo but feel like a lost child myself.

Png · ‎07-01-2020

I went through a very bad divorce i haven't seen my children for 6 years i can see the light at the end i try not blame myself but no matter how much you think about it you will never find the answer what happened i dont think my family could live with my sadness and depression you do feel better as time goes. I cant tell you what to do but i know what you feel

Mr K · ‎08-01-2020

Taking some advice I'm writing this not expecting anything but just to write it. Yesterday I just could not sleep, I took anti anxiety medication and sleep medication and was still unable to sleep for more than a few minutes before waking over and over. Obviously this has left me feeling low, tired, overwhelmed and bitter. I say goodbye and I love you to my little girls this morning as usual and already I'm missing them. How am I going to cope not being there it's those moments that fulfill me, being a daddy is who i want to be. Every time I read something related to separation I feel like the whole process is going to leave me unable to support them physically and emotionally never mind financially.

My headspace is all over the place from a mixture of mixed and direct messages from my wife. For example she has been direct saying "We are incompatible" she has made it clear that she sees no point in trying to fix our relationship. Then she has helped plan a holiday together later this year inclusive of my parents, she last night discussed my Birthday, end of April. Last year we sold a house that was in her name only and bought a house in both our names, there has also been talk of investment property etc. How is it that she can enter these arrangements and be so determined that we are incompatible, it seems cruel and overly complicated. Maybe I'm just being naive and there is some reason that I wouldn't have considered? There is so much I don't know, I don't know if she has spoken to her family or her friends, I know she is seeing a psychologist but she made it reasonably clear it wasn't to save our relationship. I don't even know if she has said anything directly or indirectly to our children. Today is going to be a struggle, I'm exhausted constantly on guard, confused and emotional. I need to be strong at work and in front of my kids but it's tearing me apart. I feel so incredibly isolated and that's one of the hardest parts. I find myself scanning these forums looking for similarities hoping I'll find answers and comfort but so far the answers have been hard to accept and the comfort fades quickly. I know my parents and my kids would miss me if I were gone but at the moment I feel like if I were to just vanish nobody else would even notice.

Aaronsis · ‎08-01-2020

Hi Mr K

I am so glad you are writing, be it here or in a book, but as long as you get it out and keep talking, well typing!

I hear that the thought of not being able to take your girls to school everyday and not being able to say I love you every day and how are you going to support them, can I suggest that this will not be the case..you most certainly can tell them everyday you love them, you can take them to school, this might be in your arrangement with your wife...see there is no black and white to this, this is between you and your wife and what works best for your family, you might not do week on week off..you might see them everyday, you might actually benefit from perhaps writing down what you would like a day, a week to look like.

One thing though I what i am hearing loud and clear is your confusion with the situation is causing you to create scenarios and causing you anxiety. I think you really need to have a chat with your wife and explain to her how these future plans are causing you confusion and you are not sure, do these future plans include you?? I think once you get some clarity from her and have a conversation about the marriage and if in fact it will be ending and what she sees as the way forward.

I am glad that you are reading the posts and other people's situations, it is where we get strength to know we are not alone, however ever person's experience is different so please don't get discouraged if you read something that doesn't resonate with you, everyone is different.

I am so very sorry this is happening to you and that you are in such pain and confusion. It really is so very hard to manage.

Do you think you could have an open and honest conversation with your wife and try to establish what the way forward looks like?

Sarah xxx

white knight · ‎08-01-2020

Hi Mr K, welcome

In 1996 I was in a similar situation. After 11 years of emotional abuse and me working 3 jobs so my wife could stay at home with the kids, I made a suicide attempt. At the last minute I remembered my dad telling me once- "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all" So I survived. My brother didnt, he went that way. So first lesson is self preservation for your children and best health services utilised.

One week later I left my wife after a smoke ring was blown in my face. I kissed my girls 7 and 3yo on their forehead as they slept and drove away. Tears streaming but when I got to the end of our street I burs tinto laughter- I survived her!

I rang my childrens principle daily for 6 weeks to see if our kids were coping "Tony, they are coping better than you, children are far more resilient and adapt to situations, as long as you are a dad to them they will be fine".

Yes, it wasn't easy. I had my 3yo say from the back seat "we want to keep you". I had my eldest say "come back home daddy". I wrote emotional poetry that would break the heart of the hardest person.

Initially I lived in a 10ft caravan in a caravan park. My girls would sleep on the lowered table. Then after 3 months I spotted a block of land and bought it. It had a lot of growth to clear so I'd spend my spare time doing that and I realised suddenly I was more tired and dwelling less- I had a direction, I had distraction. Then I bought a kit home and built the house myself. My kids came over on weekends and watched it going up.

By 12yo my eldest came to live with e and my new partner. At 28yo as I was about to walk her down the aisle she turned to me and said "thanks dad for making it here". She'd known of my attempt and my struggles to do my best for her.

My message is this- you are her only father and any replacement will be sub standard. Your pending separation is not your fault nor is it your wifes as she agrees you both are not compatible. That incompatibility is a good reason for you both one day to sit down and openly discuss the separation and how you can put your kids future as your priority. Some couples can communicate ok after the split, others no hope.

Google and just read the first post of each

Beyondblue topic distraction and variety

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue topic relationship split

TonyWK

Mr K · ‎08-01-2020

Thanks for sharing Tony, There are similarities and differences in our situations. You describe abuse, which isn't an obvious factor for me. My wife and I don't "hate" each other (well with certainty I can say I don't hate her), certainly from an outsiders perspective we appear to function as a normal couple. There has however been no intimacy or affection between us for a long time. I had been at fault initially now the pendulum has swung over to my wife being the one who won't reciprocate. There was a time when she suggested marriage counselling but I was too ashamed, embarrassed and wouldn't go, I thought we could just fix it. Let me assure you that if there was a second chance option I'd go to anything I thought would help. I did go to a psychologist a while ago but my wife wouldn't consider it at that time. Over the years I've watched my wife hate her various workplaces and have supported her decisions to reduce hours, leave work to study etc even though I knew it would reduce or financial security. Better to be poorer than see her unhappy. I've pushed away friends and turned down offers to socialize so I could spend my time with her and in the past years with my kids. I still work hard and have managed to steadily work my way up in my career. I've always shared unconditionally my earnings, never withheld money and although at times I've had a sook about her going out I've never denied her time out with friends. I support her decisions about the kids including any discipline matters even when I've personally believed decisions to be harsh or disproportionate. I've never cheated on her or ever bad mouth her to friends family or others. I've done as much as possible for my girls the only limitation is when I have to go to work or my one and only night out which i spend at the SES. I changed my gym routine to very early in the morning so I wouldn't miss anytime with her or the little girls. I try to do as much as possible at home, I do washing cooking cleaning gardening shopping tidying etc, probably not as much as she would like but I've never just not done it with the expectation that it will be done. Admittedly all our financial matters were left to her but it was with the genuine belief that she was simply more proficient with that stuff, as I mentioned I had/have no issue providing money but am hopeless at managing it. I hate that I'm coming across resentful, that isn't my intent I'm struggling to see where other than lacking intimacy I was so bad?

white knight · ‎08-01-2020

Hi

I fully understand. What I realsied though with my first marriage is that doing all those chores over and above your 50%, being a good dad and husband, doesnt (sadly) compensate for incompatibility. she said " "We are incompatible" she has made it clear that she sees no point in trying to fix our relationship."

So, the grief process it seems is your challenge now. I've explained how kids are resilient and will cope better than you. You best way you can help your kids is to care for your own mental health. A trip to your GP would be a wise move.

TonyWK

Mr K · ‎08-01-2020

How long does it take most people to get over a separation, how long does it take to set up a new life and what sort of quality of life can a single dad expect? How can a reduced quality of living be a good thing for my children?

Aaronsis · ‎08-01-2020

Hi Mr K

You have raised some great questions there and as heartbreaking as this is, there are no factual answers to those questions. The time to get over a separation is so very personal and varies for everyone, some move on straight away, some struggle for a very long time. I think it is being aware of how you are feeling and getting assistance if you are not coping. What sort of life can you expect as a single dad?... a very good one, dare I even say that you have the potential to have a very happy life, right now you are not happy and therefore the possibilities for it to improve are very likely.

Children are so much more happy when their parents are, if two people are living together in a toxic environment, and are still married this is a much less desirable environment than a child living with two parents who are separated but who are happy, living independently and living life. You cannot drink from an empty cup and you must ensure your happiness and your mental health and your life is in check, then you can give to your children, your love and your happiness.

You ask how a reduced quality of living is a good thing, I am not sure what you are measuring this on, but your children will live with you in a tent if you are happy, and they feel safe and they are loved. From what I am hearing from you, you would walk the ends of the earth for your girls, so if you are in a tent, a caravan, and really shabby house...to them they do not see this, nor does it matter to them. If you lived in a mansion and had access to everything you wanted but had arguments and fights and silence and pain in your marriage and in your home they would feel this. I think you understand what I am trying to say to you here.

In time you will be able to be happy on your own, to make choices for you and to be in control of your life. It does not seem possible now I know, but it really is and as I said before, the fact you are taking this all into consideration and it is important to you, I don't think you can get it wrong.

Just another comment, you asked how long does it take to set up a new life.....do you know what..you already are.....

Hugs

Sarah

white knight · ‎08-01-2020

My eldest daughter still mentions the fairy garden she played in outside her bedroom window of our newly built house I built. She never mentions there was no carpet, wardrobes, etc.

Tony

Mr K · ‎10-01-2020

So out with a mate to watch the cricket last night, first time I have been out independently with a mate for well over a year I believe. I had a great time and this particular mate has been down a very rough road with separation himself. As much as I wanted his counsel as a survivor at times it was super confronting to hear how some friends disappeared, others misrepresented him to make his character seem bad etc. All this just to limit access or obtain money, ultimately to punish him. Wow the stories of how bias and unjust the court system can be are terrifying. He was so right about the difficulty of "Acceptance" it is so hard accepting the changes or contemplating the possible changes. Life at home is back to life as normal, to all intents and purposes a fully functioning family, just without the affection between me and wife. Kids are happy and healthy, bills are paid, food in cupboard etc and wow I even managed a social evening without the world coming to an end.

I still can't sleep properly which is taking a toll I hope the anti anxiety meds will take the edge off that for me soon but I do feel pretty exhausted. This process is so isolating I'm so relieved I found this forum.