Accepting a lost friendship

[sparrowhawk]

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progress, found some work, reconnected with friends, and rebuilt relationships with my family - I'd had limited contact with them in that time.

I was very close to one member of the community, she was like a mother, support, and friend all rolled into one. In hindsight, I was probably too close to her. One of the hardest things about leaving was realising that I wouldn't have the same relationship with her going forward, and that did make me sad -- yet I (perhaps foolishly) hoped we would continue to stay in touch.

She took my leaving very hard. She hurt me quite deeply in the leadup towards my leaving, saying that it was harder for everyone else than for me, and that she was angry with me that I'd made the decision to go. She really made the last few days of my time there miserable, which was all very surprising as it seemed to me to be very out of character. Even my mum noticed a difference in her when she came to pick me up on the final day. When I've had brief (written) contact with her since I left, it's always been very superficial and she's made barbed comments about the consequences of my decisions having impacted others (again reinforcing for me that "harder for me than for you" thinking), before closing off with "I wish you all the best". 

I connected recently with a friend who happened to work under this person and since left her job. She shared a very similar experience of passive-aggressiveness, hurtful language and petulance when she left her role, which made me feel that perhaps it wasn't just me.

It's just now hitting me that I might well never see her again, and while a big part of me really doesn't want to open old wounds, I am sad at the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me, and of a relationship in which I felt safe, respected and valued. Part of me wants to hold on to a connection with her, which is probably why I've reached out to her at times -- but I'm realising more and more I'll probably need to accept she doesn't want anything to do with me. 

It's probably for the best, but it's seriously heartbreaking.

[white knight]

Hi SH, welcome

I'm very familiar with the type of person you feel a loss for and her reactions. I have no doubt she feels she lost a good friend and is likely a very loving person, however there is a side to her that you have experienced upon you leaving the area and that side isn't a side that is palatable. This "swinging" of attitude, even revenge in some form is a self destructive way of combatting her loss. It is indeed a shame because sometimes people return to the same area and rekindle old friendships, if that happened you'd be reluctant to strike it up again. Furthermore if she went on holiday, as she has destroyed the friendship, dropping in on you wouldnt be possible. For these people it's a black and white approach, stay and continue to love me or reject me by leaving and I'll cause you grief. Such views of ultimatums is unfortunate.

So I know this because my estranged mother had the same outlook on people including her children. For 54 years I toiled to please her, to endure the swinging from loving nurturing mother to tyrant hell bent on revenge and control. By 27yo I'd served in the Air Force, a warder in a major jail and so forth yet when I dasted a lady that was not of an "acceptable religion" my mother said "you either break up with that woman or I'll go on a holiday for 2 weeks". It was extraordinary. I called her bluff " I'll help you pack your suitcase" was my reply. I'd earlier read up on "Emotional Blackmail" and in recent times read this-

https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/blog/4-types-of-borderline-mother-witch-hermit-waif-and-queen/

It all then made sense. I'm not saying your friend has any "condition" but it takes many types to make up the world.

My sister and I took the tough stance 12 years ago and severed all contact from our mother. We could not fight her antic any further. I suggest that your loving and caring persona is a attraction for your ex friend.

I hope that helps. Time is your friend. Keep busy

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

TonyWK

TonyWK

[sparrowhawk]

Thanks so much, Tony.

It was a real shock for me, and really painful to go through. It definitely was how you described - a "swinging" attitude, very volatile behaviour and reactions. I really don't know if our relationship would ever rekindle - definitely does feel like a sort of ultimatum (stay and love me, leave and suffer).

There's still a lot of grief. Sometimes I feel like crying. And that's ok. It helps to talk about it and to acknowledge that yes, I had a great relationship with her, but there were problems which I didn't see until I left.

[white knight]

Hi SH

Thanks for replying. So you've made some progress in that you have largely accepted the situation and the heartbreak is the hurdles that lingers. 

I like how you still leave the door ajar a little just in case something happens, however, commonly such events dont occur and if they do major changes have to be introduced and in an eager manner.

In my 20's I had a 7 year relationship. It finally ended. Then I doubted my decision for months until a chance meeting with the lady at shops. We chatted and it occurred to me right then that I'd made the right decision. eg one thing incompatible was her indecision. She could never make up her mind whereas I was decisive. That was then obvious again.

We also think love wont return to us. But, alas, when it comes to compatibility we often know what we want more so the next time and seek it out. Be confident you have made the right choice and move forward. I think you have every reason to believe in yourself.

TonyWK