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Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Community Member

Hoping I can receive some advice, thoughts or positive words.

ive been in a relationship for over a year. The person I am seeing often needs time alone, time alone with her children and also time alone with friends.

She often tells me she ‘wants to miss me’. When i first heard this, it actually hurt. I couldnt understand why she needed so much distance. Why doesnt she want to be with me more, what is wrong with me etc etc.

why does not seeng me for days, make everything better for her between us? Im trying to understand why my absence makes her happier. Why does she need to be apart from me to realise how much she loves me. Am I that repulsive...or that difficult to be around, I just wish I understood.

This lovely lady does not want to get married, is happy dating and taking each day as it comes. Id marry her in a heartbeat if I could. I want to sleep beside her each night for the rest of my life, she wants to have some nights/mornings alone. And always feel guilty for wanting this.

I feel that our future is very much damaged by her past(prev bad marriage) and because of that my opportunities with her are very limited and restricted.

i feel so lonely without her, but I do not say anything as I sense its pressure she does not want. I miss her a lot when we are not together. But she doesnt seem to miss me or tell me so. She just is super happy to see me in small dosages.

please understand I do not write these words in spite, negativity or anger. I simply long to understand and perhaps many kind folks on here will get it and share with me what I fail to see here.

How can she love me, when she barely wants to see me? How can I stay important to her, without placing pressure of calls, texts to her etc?

Also struggle with how her phone is virtually her lifeline. Even in the time we are together she is mind deep in messages. I feel very bad when her friends call etc as she doesnt call them back because she is with me, she requires privacy always with her friends. As it pings, makes noises etc she will always say “ its just John “ ((whoever it is at the time) How can I make her feel as though thats Ok and also still feel acknowledged? She often tells me I seem sad when her friends are messaging her or calling her.

thank you for listening to me, i truly hope i have made some sense or someone will relate well to help me through this.🌸

57 Replies 57

Dear Cassandra 1,

Pleasure to meet you. Thank you for taking you time to respond to my thread, and offer your help.

Im not sure if it’s my internet/phone but I honestly did not see your reply until now. My apologies. I hope you know that I was not ignoring your reply.

I see a lot in what you say also, it does help so thank you

I don’t think you were being cheeky just very honest 😇

It’s very possible that she doesn’t want me to be her significant other and can’t put me first for whatever reasons(I get it her kids come first always). I have for sometime placed my happiness in her hands and my future, as I felt that’s what we were building together...until she loses it and pushes me away again. “ I am not ready to live together, I may never want to get married, I need to be me, I need alone time...’ it goes on and it’s all said in anger. I leave feeling like shit, she gets on with life.

I guess I am waiting for a miracle aren’t I. That is, for her to somehow love me and respect me, need me and want me and so on.

what a fool I am. Lonely and with no friends or family. Nothing for her to be proud of, no wonder she can easily move on.

I think you are brave, an remarkable to leave him(end it) that takes courage. You realised so much on your own.

I cant find anything for me everything I see reminds me of her and the children.

I get through the days and then she messages and invites me for tea. I’m bombarded with her friends stories, her worries, this that not once does she even ask how I am. If I’m alright, Am I eating ok, etc etc. She will flirt a lot but then it ends. There really is no bf/gf communication... it hurts.

I need company so greatly, I go there. I dread going home alone. What have I become. Her companion when she needs it. She doesn’t even need me.

I hope we chat again


Hi Camellias

No one can doubt your endeavor nor your decency and kindness, you have it all in spades.

As a young prison officer (21yo) in 1977 I had to learn when an inmate was genuine in their focus or "playing a game". The best way to define that is taking matters to extremes.

That's why I suggested relationship counseling. If she didnt want to attend then it clarifies her commitment level. She is entitled to her values and commitment level she chooses but so are you.

Amother method is trial separation. If she doesnt put effort into reconciliation then you know your answer.

Throughout these posts you've shown graciousness and respect to others comments and yes, its hard for others to be frank without risking abrasion.

To assist you it is important that you make up your own mind, even though we can supply you with the knowledge to help you decide. I'd like to give you hope that she turns around her treatment of you- then you wont need us. If not, and this continues, we can only suggest ways to cope and get things into perspective.


Dear TonyWK,

Your stories seem to amaze me, what haven’t you done in life.. I wonder. What I mean is You have achieved and gone through so much, and now are with your true special someone. You are an inspiration.

I cannot imagine how hard it would have been being a Prison Officer so young. I hope that did not effect you too much mentally or physically.

How did you know how to build your own house, is it just innate or did you have a father who taught you those skills?

Random questions, I know. I just need a distraction tonight.



I suggested relationship counselling this evening, showing a willingness to make things better(so i thought) she immediately replied ‘ we are not a couple’. I explained gently I just thought it may help us communicate better, work through things like how she feels guilty etc..

I asked her if she was happy with me(not life), me.

So, I was invited around for a cup of tea. I braced myself & expected it was the break up coming.

It was a few hours of true awkwardness. I was kind, courteous & a gentleman listening to her. I wish i could say she was the kind, it was like sitting next to a ticking bomb.

I was glared at, not believed & have come home with these thoughts: I need a hair cut, I smell, I make her awkward, I guilt her, I’ve lost interest in her, I am an extra mouth to feed(apparently she has no left overs to freeze for the children anymore from the occasional meal she would invite me over for)

And many more hurtful things. There wasn’t one nice thing said to me tonight from the moment I arrived.

I was pretty much told she only wants me at certain places/days as the children felt safe. Every time I tried to ask her what she wanted she wouldn’t answer me. Instead she would ask me a question & demand the answer.

I never got my answers. I’m more confused. She wants less & less to do with me. when I am not with her on 3 occasions(children appts) she apparently makes more friends & apparently the kids enjoy being with her more when I’m not there. Apparently the children thrive more in my absence.

all this was said to me unpleasantly. it was hurtful but I listened. And asked again If she was happy..’

She wanted to have a shower & asked me to leave.

I’m home feeling worse, with no answers & feeling more ashamed about things like: I can’t afford a hair cut, that i have to hand wash my clothes(which just smell like fabric softener nothing bad)

She wouldn’t agree on anything & picked words out of my sentences disagreeing with a word, missing the whole point, being correct was more important.

Everything is worse & I sense she is just blabbing to her friends about it as they concur with her driving a wedge further.

She asks me things & doesn’t believe me, she actually glares at me with raised eyebrows & then rubs her head distressed. Then wonders why I look awkward or can’t relax.

I was so brave tonight & I’ve come home feeling like a piece of dirt.

After a year of support, I’m not needed anymore. Her words’ no longer a chore for you’


Hi C

Well, I was mocked for changing jobs so often and vars so often unbeknown to me I was often hypomanic from my bipolar with umlimited energy and ideas. Many of us are inventors, adventurers and ideas people. In effect I've packed in 3 lifetimes in one. The price to pay is burnout.

I joined the RAAF at 17, the jail (Pentridge) at 21, ranger work, etc. But I've always been a tinkerer, handyman. What I didnt know I asked others.

When building the house my emotions came and went in waves. I had a back injury at the time and after 10 days of hanging plaster the sheets didnt seem to get less. I crumbled in a heap, sobbed uncontrollably. Twenty minutes later I rebounded.

Beyondblue Topic switching mindsets

But I'd grown up being vulnerable and had to develop new defences so I didnt get hurt as easily.

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2

I have one extraordinary gift in mental illness terms- insight. I also was willing to do whatever it took. I'd study what was best for my mind with all options open.

Beyondblue Topic if all else fails- be radical

Professional medical people have a significant role but arent available 24/7/365. Many people like yourself need contact in all hours.



I will read the links.

I apologise for taking up so much of your time. I guess I have wrote quite a fair bit. I don’t have friends to converse with or to help me like most do.


Hi Camellias

im so sorry she has treated you like that.

I have no wisdom to give you. But stay strong.

Hi Labs4life

I hope you have had a good day with your children.

thanks for the support.

I’ve no idea what to do or to think, it’s just a blur.

like you trying to stay strong

How are you holding up?


Hi Camellias

It was heartbreaking when the kids came home as they broke down specially my son.

I’ve been up and down with emotions all day and night.

I will try and keep busy tomorrow to make it go fast until the kids finish school.

Hi Labs4life

You are doing the best you can. I hope your son will be alright too, lucky he has such a strong capable mom!

I hear you on the emotional rollercoaster.

What things do you do to keep busy, I hope it’s something relaxing for you.

Does listening to music help?