2nd major relationship failure

[Michacat]

Hi this is my first time on an online forum. I am 45 and 7 weeks ago my partner of 14 years said he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving. There is no other person involved. He has been living in another room for last 6 weeks while he find a rental now he has finally moved all his stuff I’m broken again. I’ve suffered with depression since my twenties had 3 overdoses and two mental health unit visits in my twenties. I have been seeing a psychologist and my gp and I’m an antidepressant. My partner says we are wired differently. He has lost the emotional connection to me because over the years I’ve done and said some things that hurt him. He said he should have left years ago but was too scared about being in his own. I just can’t stop crying have lost 4 kg in weight and see no hope for the future without him. I have negative thoughts of guilt and regret. I seem to be to blame for it that I’m not affectionate enough or supported him emotionally enough. Really struggling to want to live.

[Doolhof]

Hi Michacat,

Welcome to the forum. This is a safe place for you to express yourself.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like it is a very hard time for you. When you are struggling so much, it can be difficult to find reasons for moving on and hope seems a distant memory at times.

When I hit rock bottom, I know I need to find ways to pick myself up again. It is not easy I know. There are times when I have deeply regrated past actions. The thing is we can't change what has happened.

The best I can hope for is to find ways to move on no matter how hard it seems at the time.

Is there one thing you can do each day to feel a little better about yourself?

Have you been to your Dr to chat with them about how you are feeling? Would it help to see a counsellor if that is possible?

When you are really struggling would you consider telephoning Lifeline or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636? The support people will listen to you and may be able to offer suggestions.

I'm certainly not an expert or a trained person to help others, I am another human being who has made mistakes and who is trying to move forward each day.

Hope you find some answers! From Dools

[PamelaR]

Hi Michacat and welcome to our forums.

I'm pleased you've found your way here. Mrs Dools has given you a very warm and comforting response. I'll try not to repeat the things she has offered. I too am not a health professional, just someone who has experienced the lows of life, like you.

You're not alone Michacat. It's so difficult going through a relationship breakup. Grief is so painful, especially with the loss of a partner. There are so many phases to go through (in no special order), which can last a couple of years. The phases include - denial, acceptance, anger, guilt and letting go. Blaming yourself is so common, however, life does go on and healing does happen in time.

Do you have someone you can talk too? E.g. a close family member or trusted friend. Talking about what's happened helps the healing and recovery process. Maybe talk with a health professional, e.g. psychologist? You can do this by going to your gp - ask for a longer appointment and talk with your gp about getting a mental health plan.

Keep reaching out if and when you want to Michacat. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[WhiteBear]

Hi Michacat,

I’m actually going through a separation at the moment, and fully appreciate how hard this is to deal with. Similarly, I’m 45 and had been depressed for the majority of my 15 year marriage. What I determined in the end was that it was my depression that was the main reason we were never going to be happy together. Ultimately if you’re unable to love yourself, how will somebody else possibly love you.

Unfortunately, there was too much damage done to save my marriage, so we determined it was best to go our separate ways. I also realised that I never really loved my wife, and I really only settled out of fear and lack of self-esteem. This had a massive impact on my overall happiness and compounded the depression.

It’s only recently I’ve managed to find real happiness and I’m no longer suffering from depression. I don’t have another partner, and nothing different has occurred in my life to really make me happy. It’s has all been resolved from realising that I’m the master of my own destiny. I’m no longer going to play the victim. If I want happiness, I have to feel grateful for what I have and focus on those amazing things in my life. For me it’s my kids, my health, my family, my friends, my career, a long list…

I know you’re in a bad place, but I’m sure you can find things to be grateful for too…

If you’re struggling to think of anything, I would recommend you consider looking into spirituality and meditation. I meditate for an hour every day. Some of the most amazing experiences have occurred since doing this. Mediation will allow you to find gratitude and happiness. It’s now my favourite time of day.

Try opening up to your partner. If you open up honestly and don't judge one another, you'll truely connect and possibly workout some of the underlying issues in your relationship. When I was honest and transparent with my wife the release of stress was experienced by both of us. It really helped us to discuss everything that needed to be discussed.

All the best.

WB

[Croix]

Dear Michacat~

I'd like to join Dools in welcoming you, you are in a horrible place and I feel for you

It's not much use my saying a break-up takes two, it is not just you. That might be logical - and the truth, but emotionally you will go on blaming you and wondering why, and if you are capable of a long term relationship at all

Having long term depression is a very hard thing, and I'm glad you have medical support and medication, though I'd echo Dools and suggest you talk over your current situation and how best to handle it

Because that is your task now -to handle it and persevere until the grief subsides. No easy or short term thing, but you have the seeds of strenght and perseverance inside you. OK, you mentioned a couple of times you tried to take your life, and a couple of visits to a unit.

I know from my own experience there would have been so many other times when you found the strenght to go on, and did not try. That strenght is still there inside you.

So you need a plan, a strategy for everyday, and another for the times you feel overwhelmed. Again I know having a set of instructions -a plan - is so much easier to follow than just being stuck -can't think

That is where you psych and doctor come in, get them to make a daily plan up, and then incorporate a Safety Plan such as BeyondNow for the really bad times

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

OK, 14 years is a pretty long time and if you were impossible to live with it would have ended an awful lot sooner. Everybody hurts their partner by word or deed, and it is up to both parties to heal the rift. Talking is always a good start

I've been married twice, and the first time, which was also the time I became seriously ill, I really had a lot less restraint in what I said, and in actions. I too was suicidal and made attempts, and know the inside of a unit. I was luckier with a partner that was prepared to continue to love and we remained together

After she passed away I found another -or she found me, and we are both able to make a pact to not hurt too much, and have coping mechanisms to defuse hurt. We learned.

At 45 there is a lot of life in front of you that can be good, and there are a lot of good -and strong- caring people in the world. Yes, I know, at the moment hard to believe and sounds like improbable do-gooder stuff, its just that in my case it is true.

You can say whatever you like here - we understand pain,lack of hope and are here for you

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Michacat

Welcome to the forum. It's a good place to come and talk about the events that hurt and worry you.

Please do not blame yourself for this breakup. It seems to me your partner is as much to blame. If he felt you were not compatible years ago he should have left then. Instead he chose to stay and use you for support because he was afraid of of being on his own. To now say you have not supported him is untrue and unkind. Couples do part company, it's part of life, but for one person to tell the other it's all their fault is rarely true. It takes two people to form a good relationship and it sounds like you made a good effort to give him emotional support. Has he supported you?

You may be wired differently but for many people this is part of the charm. To stay for 14 years and then blame you because he wants to leave is a bit rich. However, this does not help you with your sorrow. He has gone and left you in a mess.

I see you go to a psychologist. When did you last see him/her? If not for a few weeks then I urge you to make an appointment ASAP. Make an appointment anyway. Tell the receptionist it is urgent and when can you be fitted in. When you are so down it is vital you have some solid support and I expect your psychologist or GP can provide this. Sometimes it is better to chat to these people rather than family or friends as they can stand back a little and talk about how to cope. Family and friends want to comfort you but find it hard to offer any suggestions. It's not that they don't want to, they are torn between comfort and being able to make objective suggestions. However, having people who care is very nice.

Crying is exhausting but it does help to let out the hurt so it's not all bad. Losing weight for that reason is not good. I suspect you are not eating much. I once lost 22kg that way in a few months. Trouble is I put it all back on when I became well again. Can you eat small amounts of good food (protein preferably), and be sure to eat three small meals a day? I know it does not sound appetising but it will help you to feel better emotionally and physically. You need to keep well to deal with this event in the best way possible.

I am certain you do not want another stay in a psych hospital no matter how pleasant it may be. I know, I've been there too.

Do you have hobbies etc? Can you focus on one of these? I know it sounds impossible but these normal things really are great and help to ground you. Try just one.

Mary

[Michacat]

Hi thank you all for your replies. I have a mental health plan and have seen a psychologist and go regularly over the past 7 weeks. I had 5 weeks off work and went back 2 weeks ago but couldn’t go last two days. I have great family and friends who do so much to help me. I have sports I do (not for last week). I work two jobs (one is casual so I have that on hold for now). I have pets and an empty house. I have been left with paying the mortgage on my own as well as car finance. I can just afford it and I really don’t want to sell. I can’t refinance yo get his name off the mortgage as house price as dropped and I don’t have enough equity to do it yet.

Crying constantly is so exhausting. I have constantly harassed him with texting asking him to give me a chance to fix things but he says there is no spark for him to want to try that I have worn him down till he is emotionally numb. I have supported him financially through a business failure and loan, provided a house to live in and organized many nice holidays. I supported him with his health issues but none of this makes any difference to him. I know I’m not the most affectionate person and I believe I give so much of myself to my job as a nurse and to patients that I have nothing left to give to the people I love.

I am going to try to go to gym this afternoon. Thank you all for your support and advice. Xo

[Michacat]

Hi thank you for your reply and support. I am already seeing a psychologist and gp. Grief is so hard to overcome and fear of coping in my own with everything to do with the house. Just finding it hard to get out of bed at present.

[Michacat]

Hi thank you for your response and telling me about your experience. We have talked and it didn’t fix it as he says the emotional connection is gone and he doesn’t even want to try to rekindle it.

I use the head space app on and off for meditation but have not been consistent. I am doing the grief course on it.

[Michacat]

Thank you for your reply and telling me your story. My first relationship ended after 6 years when I got home from work one day and he had gone back to live I the UK. Not seen him since. Then I found my last partner on a dating site he loved animals the outdoors and sports. He had just split up from his wife about two months before we met.

He says now he took along time to heal from that relationship and the fact that I was not so affectionate was ok for a while but then he healed and he said he needed someone who gave him more affectionate and was more intimate. He was too scared of being on his own to leave when he came to this realization.

He says he has never been on his own out of a relationship and wants to go find himself and what he wants. I feel used.