Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Looks like you'll be needing a personal secretary to keep up with all the replies! But no need to apologise, I get enough feedback from whomever you reply to - we all want the best for you, Emo.

It must have been unsettling to see your husband again, but it proves you can be safe from harm as long as you stay put. I would like to see you express these issues with your husband, standing up for the dignity and respect you not only deserve but are categorically entitled to, but I also realise how daunting it must feel for you. Getting counselling while in hospital is still the preferred option - please don't feel too disheartened, and give it another go. Remember, you have all the information and memories but they must hear it from you to draw any conclusions.

"Baby steps" is so fitting - you are learning to stand on your own two feet again, and there are going to be some inevitable wobbles along the way.

One foot in front of the other, Emo.

Sleep, rest, recover.

Kind regards,

t,

[Emo]

Hi Michael2614,

I'm so sorry I haven't replied to your post until now. I haven't been feeling the best. I wanted to be in the right mind to respond to you as you are so kind to reach out to me. I think you are such an amazing person to have got through what you experienced throughout your whole life. I feel like my problems are tiny compared to what has happened to you. I have really nothing to complain about compared to you.

I'm sorry that your father treated you in such a bad way. The loss of my dad has made me face the abuse I've been suffering for years at the hands of my husband. I'd been trying to hide it from others the whole time as it's something I was so ashamed about. I'm not sure how you went with revealing what was happening to you but I have really struggled to say the word abuse. I at first didn't want to label it as that as it made me seem so weak as I should be able to put up with a few abusive things. I just felt I needed to be stronger. When it escalated to me being hospitalised and having to wear long sleeves and long pants to cover the bruises and the abuse he had inflicted on me all year round, even in 45 degree heat, I realised it had gone beyond me just needing to be stronger.

I'm so sorry that you have suffered so much in your life, you are so brave and you must be incredibly strong. I'm not as brave as you but with your wonderful advice you have detailed in your post, I will try to do as you say and keep reaching out for help. I hope you are finding the support you are getting off the community members as helpful as I am. I would like to be able to chat to you again as I feel we could maybe help each other through what we have both been through and for me what I'm still going through. Maybe we could draw strength off each other.

I'd better go now but hopefully you will reach out again if you ever need a chat. Thank you for reaching out to me.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for concern. I feel so loved by all of the community members that have reached out to me. It's a pity that I'm not loved like that by my husband. Your words have really made me think as you're exactly right about the fact that I no longer love my life or myself although I'm not sure if I've ever truly loved myself. I've been thinking a lot about that very thing while I've had time to think in safety. I'm wondering if that's why I'm holding on so tight to my love for my husband as that's all I have.

I've also been questioning if the fact that I don't love myself (I actually hate myself sometimes and my life) is the reason why my husband could manipulate me so much. Maybe I've never had confidence in myself. I'm not really sure who I am any more without my job as that was the only thing that gave me confidence. The loss of my job has made me question what use I am to anyone anymore. I knew my dad was proud of me but I am lost without his comforting words and words of wisdom. My grief is really making me question everything in my life.

I have been sleeping most of today as I'm still very tired. I had my first dream where I wasn't waking up screaming. It was a dream about my future career. It's actually something I have had as a dream of mine for quite a few years now but I've always had to forget about as I just needed to get a job to pay for everything as I'm the main breadwinner. It was around the time that my husband stopped working for four years so all of my dreams had to be put away.

I'm not sure why I'm even still dreaming about it as I'm never going to be able to do it but I guess I'm still allowed to dream. My dream career is to be a social worker/counsellor working with palliative care patients and their families. I know it's a silly dream but I guess I can still dream. I wouldn't even know what qualifications I would need. I guess I just need to forget about any ideas of going back to study as I have to support myself and maybe my husband if I go back to him.

I'd better go now as I'm getting pretty tired. Once again thank you for your support. I hope things are going well for you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for replying to me. Once again you have given me something to think about. I would love to be able to face my husband and raise some issues with him but the last time I just queried one thing i ended up in hospital due to the abuse. I'd never try to do that again. If I'm truly honest the abuse was been pretty bad for quite some time.

I'm not sure if I'm willing to open myself up again to the social worker if it's the same guy again but if it's the female I spoke to earlier I'd be willing to reveal more about my abuse. I know it can only help. I'd better go as I'm really tired again, my pain is also really bad tonight, I hope nothing is wrong. I hope things are ok for yourself. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry to hear you are in pain. Don't be afraid to ask for some medication for relief as this will aid your recovery.

I really loved your post to Emmen about your aspirations for a career in counselling - your life is qualification in itself for the sensitivity and understanding you have acquired. Pursue this with all your heart to obtain the formal diploma, as you will help so many come to terms with grief and trauma in years to come.

You know you are safe in hospital. What better time to express your intolerance for the abusive treatment dealt out by your husband? He must hear you out without overbearance, and here you can seek the answers you require (and deserve). Don't you wish to know his willingness to respond to what you say? If you are, as he claims "worthless", ask him directly "In what way?" From what you have told us, you maintained the house, provided income, managed taxes, and tended his every need. And then you could ask "What would it take to ever be seen as worthy in your eyes?" What is this fanciful benchmark that would elevate you to his 'standards'? What possible duty could you perform that would free you from violence? The answers are your key to comprehension, but your questions are the road to your self awareness and empowerment.

The same applies to your male counsellor. Challenge his evaluations "On what basis did you determine this?" Defend your views without fear - it's not being combative to discuss/argue a point when showing mutual respect (having such an opportunity may also help you approach your husband with more confidence).

Coming to terms with your abuse may involve being able to speak about it objectively, as an observer, as you recount the facts clinically. Emotionally, you are conflicted and temper your account accordingly but this may give the wrong impression.

Sorry, more things to contemplate.

Keep having those positive dreams until they become reality.

Take care,

t.

[Emmen]

Hello Emo,

That is such a beautiful dream! To spend your time making people's lives better is a far better than your current life, isn't it? As transcrybe has said, you have the qualities needed for that role already. Don't worry about qualifications just yet, because even if you feel that getting formal qualifications is daunting, there are other ways you can make a difference. Volunteering, for one. Once you leave him, you are free to plan your time as you see fit. That includes taking some time away from work (if you choose to work in another line) to volunteer in social work or counselling. In time, you may gain more confidence to take the plunge and pursue formal qualifications in the field and make a career shift.

Emo, you have such a bright future ahead of you. I can see that you will make a huge difference to the lives of others. Hold on to that dream because that is more important in the long run than your husband. Pursuing your dream is what will make you feel fulfilled, and teach you to love yourself and your life.

With lots and lots of hope for you,
M

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for replying to me and for your kind comments about me becoming a counselor. I would love to be able to study again and gain the qualification I would need to become a counselor.

Deep down though I know I can't stop work or get only a part time job while I study as I need to work full time to support myself and my husband.

I've tried not to annoy anyone by posting again but I had a very bad day yesterday. It looks like I will be getting out of hospital sometime this weekend coming which is good in one way but I have nowhere to go.

I tried to reach out to my local domestic violence organisation for some help with accommodation but they don't have anything available for 2 weeks at least. They aren't able to help with money for a motel either and as I have no money I can't afford to book my own accommodation.

I also asked the social worker if there was any help she could give me but there isn't. It looks like my only option is to go back home to him. I'm sorry my emotions are getting the better of me. I'm just scared to death of having to go back to him.

I guess I always knew that I had to go back as he has my car keys and my car. I left with almost nothing on me when I left to walk to hospital. I'm not sure what I can do now.

I also contacted 1800Respect and they said the only thing they could do is refer me to my local domestic violence organisation which I've already contacted. Don't worry about me I'll be fine, maybe I should have never left him to come to hospital in the first place.

I barely slept last night worrying about it. I'm exhausted. I guess I'm just fighting a losing battle. I need to get myself prepared for going back to him. I'll let you know how I go when I'm back with him. I've really tried to reach out for help. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are so sorry to hear how difficult it has been. This process must be exhausting - we can hear how hard you've been trying. It is unfortunate that you haven't been offered more support where you are.

Is there someone you know, possibly someone from your old job that you can stay with until the local accomodation opens up? Otherwise, it may be a process of calling around, which we understand must be exhausting in your current state. Possibly you could ask the social worker to help you make some calls.

Some additional avenues for temporary housing include this government page which lists contacts for emergency accomodation in the state of Victoria -  https://www.housing.vic.gov.au/crisis-emergency-accommodation

Orange Door also a page where you can type in your postcode to get all the contact details of the domestic violence services in your area - https://orangedoor.vic.gov.au/find-a-service-near-you

You've been so strong throughout this difficult time. Our community is sending positive and hopeful thoughts your way - we wish you the safe and peaceful future that you deserve.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Firstly, glad to hear you are well enough to go home.

Secondly, do not go home.

Demand the things you need (clothing, toiletries, car/keys, money/credit card, phone) from your husband as a condition prior to leaving the hospital - if necessary, contact the police for accompanying you to collect these things for yourself, pack your case and then get as far away as you can.

1. Contact charity organisations (Salvation Army, St. Vincent de Paul/Vinnies) and find any accommodation you can.
2. Formally report the abuse to police/hospital again and press charges this time. (Stay in the police cells if you have to).
3. Ask to stay at a neighbour's house (if you have ever spoken with any in the past).
4. Become a 'house sitter' (looking after people's houses while they are away) - a longer term prospect.
5. Stay in the local (or other) caravan park (in a van or your car) for access to facilities - and speak with other residents to seek advice and assistance (there are many caring people struggling here and will offer what they can).

Your complacency in accepting returning home is denying the abuse you have received and validating the abuser. Think for yourself and protect your interests and safety.

Concerned regards,

t.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

I absolutely agree with tranzcrybe.

Your safety and well- being must come first.

You have two weeks to figure something out but U cannot go home. I've slept in my car for 2 weeks before. I think it is safer for you to do that than to go home. But he cannot know where U r.

It might be living rough but it's better than being harmed.