Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for your encouraging words and your constant support. Thank you for your comments regarding getting the phone removed from my room as you were right, I know that I needed to get the temptation of getting back in contact with him removed as he is always able to talk me into going back to him. I know I'm not strong enough to protect myself from him but thankfully I am reaching out for support from people who can help to support me and protect me.

Thank you also for your concern around my health. I'm recovering well after the last lot of surgery. I'm not allowed to leave the bed but they are hopeful I won't need any more surgery. I'm in a fair bit of pain but the staff at the hospital are doing what they can to help with the pain. I had that conversation today with the social worker like I said I would and as well as talking about the abuse I also mentioned the death of my father. The grief has resurfaced again with my emotions being all over the place. I'm hoping that sorting out the issues in my marriage will give me the opportunity to finally have the chance to properly grieve for my father.

I'd better go as I need to try to get some sleep tonight to help with my recovery. I'm still afraid of going to sleep as I'm still having those bad dreams, I'm hopeful it won't happen tonight. Thank you again for your support.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

How are you feeling today? Are you still at the hospital? Are they able to help you out at the hospital with a refuge at all?

I'm asking because I'm deeply concerned about you and the way you are thinking. Your husband almost killed you but you are saying you are not ready to leave him and you are sorting out the issues in your marriage. ??

The surgery is giving you a second chance at life. I'd take it.

What do you think will happen if you go back to your husband?

Sometimes we can be blinded by our circumstances and we can't think or see straight. I'm afraid you're not thinking very clearly.

You've tempted fate so many times and are lucky to be alive.

Your husbands brutality won't stop. In my honest opinion your feelings for your husband need to come second. Your feelings for your survival, healing, love, health must come first.

Look at how much you have survived.

I commend you for going to the hospital and not contacting the person that put you there. These are survival steps. I encourage you to keep taking survival steps.

Please talk to the social worker about your options.

Your not alone. You have us here. Many many people care about you.

We want you to recover physically, spiritually, psychologically and emotionally. You can do this. Step by step.

[tranzcrybe]

Bless you, Emo,

Unburden yourself from all you have been carrying over the years.

Share your story without omission and you will receive complete support.

There is no shame in crying - never hold back your tears.

"Release" can be such a wonderful feeling of warmth, comfort, and empowerment for you.

Thank you for caring about us!

Kind regards,

t.

[michael2614]

Dear Emo, I have looked at your posts on domestic violence. I have CPTSD due to bad child abuse and other trauma. No one deserves to be treated badly. My father was very mean. Physical and verbal abuse. I came to learn that I am not a bad person. It's them not us. Please get help and it doesn't matter if your husband knows what he is doing, you deserve love and support. It is only when I decided to stop being a Victom that life got a lot better. My father died and I hugged him just after death. The social worker came in and I looked at her and said the vulture on my shoulder has gone. She found that interesting. What it meant to me was the abuse stopped. Dad loved us but went through Nazi Germany. Now the only one left is my brother that sexually abused me for years. See we are good people that deserve good. Why just have to take steps to heal. I am not perfect. I nearly had a break down. My female partner was so. mentally abusive. My niece was living off me and never appreciated it. I was bullied at work. So much happened that my health suffered. I got to a point I said no more. I went in to see my work. I told them I was bullied and that they did nothing but give the bully a pay rise and promotion. My work are great but I knew if I didn't tell them everything then I would not heal. Justice is out there but we must save ourselves. I know the feeling of hidding outside on the phone. Scared to go in the house as I knew everything I did was wrong for my dad. It was only weeks before he died that he listened to me. I told him that I am me because I come from him and how much I apprciated him for the education, travel etc. Money was never a problem. I always thought no-one knew. After his death everyone came forward. I forgive them but I asked them what kind of humans they are. To watch a 5 year old getting physically, sexually abused etc. They said in those days it was not ok to speak up. Anyway I am just trying to say you are not alone and you deserve respect and unconditional love.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your wise words. I've always been made to feel ashamed of my emotions. I broke down completely. It was the hardest thing to do. I'm used to the abuse but letting people know the trauma I'm going through is another matter.

I'd hoped to be able to reply to more lovely community members who have shown such kindness to myself but unfortunately I'm not very well today. I'm having, they believe, complications from the second round of surgery. I'm in more pain than they think I should have so they think something has gone wrong.

I'm supposed to be resting but the nurse looking after me knows what I've been through so she's just happy for me to do what makes me happy. I've just had my temperature checked and its really high so she said the doctors coming.

I'm sorry, I'd better go. I will reply to you later Monkey Magic and others if I can. It looks like more surgery is to come. I'm so grateful to the staff here but its becoming a bit too much for me to deal with. I'll update you all when I can. Thanks for your care and support.

Regards,

Emo.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Emo..

I am super proud of you...Very well done honey..

Im sorry your having so many things going wrong with your surgery...I am praying so hard for you that your body heal for you 100% and with the help of professionals I hope that you can see the beautiful person you are and in time know that you have done no wrong..and that you deserve they very best that life has to offer you..

Always with you lovely Emo...with my love and care..

Hugs beautiful lady..🤗🤗

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Yes, Emo,

You just rest up and get well - listen to your nurses, and we'll be here whenever you need us.

t.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I'm very emotional right now as I was rushed in for more emergency surgery. As there was apparently a chance of there being serious complications the nurse at the hospital contacted my next of kin. I hadn't realised my husband was still listed as my next of kin. They told him where I was and what surgery I was having. I feel violated and now I'm terrified that he will get into the hospital to see me. I'm too afraid to go to sleep as I'm scared that he will come and get me while I'm sleeping and force me to go home with him, I can't go home with him anymore.

I'm sure that they felt they were doing the right thing but it has really made me question whether I should just forget about leaving my husband as now he knows where I am nowhere is safe. I'm not sure what to do as I will need help when I go home to recover from my surgeries as I won't be able to look after myself. I will have to go back to him and have him look after me. I'm scared that with me being so vulnerable that he will take advantage of me and abuse me very badly to get back at me for staying away from him in hospital. I'm sorry I'm just starting to question things I thought I had sorted out. Maybe I need to forget about getting any safety in my life. I'm so confused, what do I do?

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Morning Emo,

You sound distressed.
You tell the hospital staff that he is the reason you are in hospital and they should be able to stop him from coming in.

Tell them you are scared he will hurt you again and you cannot go home with him and need a "safe house" to stay in.

If it were me I'd also be getting the hospital to contact the police. They needed proof he was abusing you and now you have it. They should be able to help you.

[Ggrand]

Hi Emo..

When I read your post I got so upset with the hospital staff..they have broken so many laws in contacting your abuser, regardless if he is the only next of kin you have..

Your husband caused you your injuries...He put you their and you disclosed that information to the nurses in the hospital...who has to by law report your abuse to the police..whether you gave them permission or not..it is their duty of care to do so....reporting your abuse to the police is the law... The hospital had no right at all to contact your husband to let them know that you’re in their...They have broken the law and hopefully in serious trouble with the law because they have now endangered your life by putting you into danger again...This is not right..and if you get hurt again by the hands of your husband their is going to be many many repercussions for the hospital and it’s staff to face in a law of court for doing to you what they done...The hospital has broken the law..they cannot release you back into the hands of the person who put you in their...I am sorry but I am absolutely appalled with the hospital and it’s workers....

Please don’t go back home with him...this is twice that he has hurt you bad enough for surgery...He will do it again...I have been where you are..and they just don’t stop, because they cannot change the person they are...He is a narcissistic monster..

Please Emo..Please reach out again to the social worker...They need to help you...I know they can..We had a woman in my ward at the hospital who was staying their and getting help and counselling for DV...they got her onto Centrelink payments and eventually found somewhere safe for her to live...away from abuse...Maybe your hospital can do this for you....Try as hard as you can to get all the information you can..for now lovely Emo..please get well, don’t go home with him..no matter how much he tries to persuade you...

My love, care, hugs and prayers for you dear lady..

Grandy..