Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,
We can hear what an emotionally draining day you have had and that you are struggling to find the energy right now to continue. We want to let you know that we are also getting in touch with you privately. How you are feeling right now can shift day by day and you show your strength each and every time you reach out for the support that you deserve. We strongly encourage you to stay in hospital tonight given the way you are currently feeling and try to get some rest.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

I agree with Sophie. It's very important you get some rest and recover at the hospital.
You sound so tired and exhausted.

Take time for yourself to heal. You don't need to be making any major decision in the state that you're in.

Let the nurses take care of you.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

I'm so sorry that I'm letting everyone down. I was really trying to keep reaching out for help but I just can't do it any more. I'm still in the hospital but my husband was asked by the social worker I saw yesterday to visit me. I didn't ask for him to visit me. I'm trying to keep away from him but it seems like it's fate that I get back together with him. He was trying to be charming with the nurse but when she left the room he started to threaten me.

Maybe I should just go back to him. I'm used to the pain and the abuse. Maybe it's best to let him do what he wants to do to me. I'm too tired to fight any more. I've replied to the email I received from your organisation. I'm trying to see if I can get some medication to help me with sleeping as I'm too scared to sleep as my bad dreams are getting worse. The dreams are torturing my mind. I'm barely getting an hours sleep a night.

Maybe I deserve the bad dreams as I've stayed with him for too long. I need to go back to him to punish myself for staying with him. I'm just so broken. I need some sleep. I was going so well but seeing my husband has made me doubt myself again. I hate myself for staying with him but I'm not strong enough to leave him yet, I just need to go back home to him. It was just too much too soon. I'm so sorry. I'm trying but I'm just too tired to fight him anymore. I'm so very sorry, I'm sorry I've let everyone down.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

Whatever happens, hospital is still the safest place for you. I'm furious with what has happened - that social worker had no right to take your husband's side and then allow him to visit you.

You just had an emergency surgery, you need rest. What do you think is going to happen if you leave the hospital and go back to him? He's not going to change - you know that very well now. You know you're walking into another trap, where he keeps abusing you until you end up in hospital again. And the cycle goes on and on until you don't even have a life to save anymore.

You're getting discouraged when you're so close to being safe. You're calling yourself a lost cause simply because some circumstances didn't go the way you wanted it to go. But you made so much progress - you got yourself surgery. You told the hospital staff and social workers what what going on, and the female social worker understood, didn't she? You were that close to being free, and you gave up because of one social worker who didn't understand.

You make your life, life doesn't make you. You made all that progress...and now you're throwing it all away and leading your life back into his abusive hands. You cannot blame fate anymore for this, this is a decision you made to sign yourself out. So please, go back to the hospital and get yourself re-admitted. Tell them you want to speak to the female social worker and protect yourself. Don't throw away all the progress you've made.

- M

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry to hear how you have faced many setbacks today - it can feel overwhelming when you know what you want but can't seem to make yourself heard.

But try to keep things in perspective - the social worker made an evaluation on one visit? That doesn't make sense; and removing protection without your acceptance or consent? I would be referring this to the department for a review of conduct. You have suffered psychological trauma from this negative encounter.

Centrelink/ATO: don't worry about these until you are fully recovered. There are extenuating circumstances and your priorities for getting well are foremost.

The feelings for your dad are understandable when all seems hopeless. Hold his memory close to your heart for comfort and resolve to carry on - you are so close now to a breakthrough. After a lengthy hospital stay for myself, I was almost out of the woods when a last minute operation was needed which threatened everything. I was devastated, becoming incredibly angry and upset - it was a sign that I was ready to live again and fight for what I believed.

Please stay safe in hospital and don't lose faith for your future happiness - it's always darkest before the dawn.

We need you, Emo!

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for still being willing to reach out to me even when I'm a mess. I'm still in the hospital as I'm still medically in a bad way. I was and still am very tired. I asked for some sleeping pills as I'm so exhausted. They were very strong as I'd only just had them and I was drifting off to sleep not long afterwards. I've been sleeping most of the day on and off. It's amazing what help sleep is in helping me to think straight.

I'm so grateful to the wonderful community members who are still supporting me even though I'm falling apart. I'm trying to not disappoint anyone but it's not an easy road at the moment as the visit from my husband completely broke me.

I have tried to think of reasons why I can't/shouldn't go back to my husband but it's hard as my mind is saying go back as I'm used to the abuse and a part of me feels like I deserve the abuse for staying with him for this long. I feel like I need to be punished for letting him hurt me in horrific ways. I'm not sure if I deserve to be treated any better than he treats me.

My emotions are causing me so much pain. I'm struggling with my feelings for my husband. I truly hope I don't have my husband visit me in hospital again as every time I see him I fall apart and he really messes with my head. I'm really trying to stay strong but I know I'm failing at that.

I would be lost without the wonderful support and advice from the community members. I hope everyone knows how incredibly grateful I am to everyone for standing by me. I will try to continue to fight for my freedom but I can't promise that I won't fall down again but I'll keep trying. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Monkey Magic,

I'd like to thank you for your support and concern. I'm still in hospital as medically I still needed to be here. I'm also very tired, I'm exhausted. You will see by my reply to Sophie M that I've started having some medication to help me. Please always know that I'm trying to get myself to safety. I'm just struggling with the years of abuse and how I feel like I deserve the abuse. I'd better finish replying to the other members and get back to sleep as I'm getting drowsy again. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for still being willing to reach out to me even though I'm a mess. I think I know deep down that I can't go back to my husband but I'm really struggling with my feelings for my husband. I've read your comments and I will read them again later this morning to help give me strength to continue on the right path. I'm still in the hospital as I wasn't really medically able to leave and I was so exhausted that I didn't know what was happening. I'm glad I didn't leave as I'm not sure what would have happened to me. I'm so exhausted, I'd better go now and get back to sleep as I know I need to get as much sleep as I can if I want to get myself to safety. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier but I was so tired after I replied to a few community members that I fell asleep. I never realised how good it felt to be able to just fall asleep until my hospital stay had made me unable to sleep more than an hour a night. I'm still on medication to do it which I was against taking but in the end the lack of sleep was making me worse. I guess I realised in the end that I needed sleep before I did something bad to myself or put myself back in harms way of my husband.

I hope this reply makes sense as I'm still a little groggy. I think I might go back to sleep after I finish this reply. It seems bad of me to be sleeping during the day but I guess it's ok if it gives my body a bit more time to heal from the multiple operations I've had to have. If I'm honest, I still feel exhausted.

I really appreciate you sharing a part of your story with me as it gives me hope and your comments are helping to motivate me. I'm so grateful to everyone who is reaching out to me. I'm reluctant to reach out to any other organisations at the moment after my issues with the social worker which resulted in my husband confronting me in my hospital bed but I'm so grateful for the community members support while I build up the trust to talk to other people about my situation again.

I know I'm not ready to talk to the police again or to press charges against him as in my mind I still deserve the abuse so he doesn't deserve to be punished for something I deserve. It's a constant mind game that is going on in my head. I believe it was yourself who suggested that I might have battered women syndrome and I think some of these thoughts come from this condition. I would like to get help with trying to change my thoughts but as I'm too scared to reach out again for help that will have to wait but I think counselling for that could help me once and for all get control of my thoughts.

Thank you for your kind and wise words. Your comment 'We need you Emo' really helped me feel like I have someone who is in my corner and who believes I can get out the other side. I don't want to say that I feel I could be of benefit to anyone as I don't believe that, but maybe one day I hope to be able to reach out to others and share my wisdom from my situation with them. Baby steps though, it will take me a fair while before I'm well enough to be able to do that. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'd better go now as I'm really sleepy. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

Take your time to rest.

I was furious when I wrote my earlier reply, but I really didn't want to see you get hurt again. You deserve so much more out of life. Our feelings for people sometimes lead us to make unwise decisions (even if those decisions seem right at that time). In your case, you loved your husband and you married him. You loved yourself and loved life back then. Unfortunately your husband turned out to be abusive. Yet you honoured your marriage vows and suffered through it in silence, but the consequence was that you lost the love and zest for life that you once had. You no longer love life even. The only thing you're clinging on to is love for your husband, despite him taking away your love for yourself and for life.

Believe me that you have the strength to leave your husband and regain that love you once had for yourself. Those feelings you have for him will not stay with you forever. But you will soon feel something even more beautiful - the feeling of never living in fear, of knowing that the world can be a comfortable place, of knowing you're a survivor.

Get well, Emo.

- M