Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

Are you able to drive to another refuge (not the one your husband knows about)? You'll at least be cared for there and get some help on what your next steps could be.

I'm glad you're away from him. Please don't go back to him - you know his pattern now. I know you want him to change, but he is manipulating you, using your wish for him to change against you. You deserve safety, Emo. You deserve to be free. I may not have seen how you look, but I imagine you as a beautiful person. And I know you probably are.

I hope you're safe, Emo.

Warmly,
M

[Emo]

Hi Emmen,

I'm in a pretty bad way today. I won't go into the reasons why but you can probably tell that it has something to do with my husband and the abuse. 

I feel like I'm drowning today, I don't care what happens to me anymore. I'm just in so much pain, both physically and mentally. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control. My grief today is also out of control. It's like the day he died all over again. I feel like someone's punched me in the stomach. I can't seem to stop crying. I'm not sure what to do.

I've tried to reach out for help from other organisations but I have limited time to talk to them. I'm free at the moment to email but not to talk on the phone. I just really need a friend to talk to but I'm cut off from everyone. Now we are relying on his income to live off, he has control of everything. I no longer have money to flee if I could. I'm just so sick of the abuse. I'm so tired. When will it all end? I'm hoping to get out to my car for some safety later tonight but as I'm not providing any income I'm not allowed to drive my car anywhere as it costs money. It was my safe haven. I feel like I've lost all hope now. I'm just broken, I'm sorry for complaining but I'm just so badly damaged that I don't think I can come back from this.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo,

We can hear how much pain you must be in right now, and we are really concerned about your wellbeing. It is really important that you reach out to 000 if you are currently in danger, you deserve to live free from abuse and in a place where you feel safe. We are also currently trying to reach out to you via email to talk through some support options along with steps to keep safe during this time.

Please remember that our friends at 1800RESPECT are always available to you on 1800 737 732 as well as through online chat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/  The counsellors have a lot of experience helping others in situations like this, and are there to help you through this.

You’re not alone in this, and please keep reaching out when you feel able to.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo,

Im deeply sorry that your husband has once again physically hurt you..

Please Emo...you cannot continue to live your life like you are....Go to the police and reach out for help, show them the marks he has put on you..charge him assault, get a DVO out on him..,

We can only keep telling you that his treatment of you is wrong...but that’s about all we can do from here..I wish we could come pick you up and take you away from your situation..Sweetheart your the only one that can remove yourself from his abuse...Please try hard to do so....You deserve a life free from abuse....The police, hospital and refuge are all on your side and will want to help you..

Please try hard to find that little bit of courage you need to reach out anywhere you can for help..or he will continue to abuse and treat you badly...and that scares me, the more he gets away with it..the more confident he is of abusing you and the frequency of his abuse my grow...

While he is asleep can you drive yourself to the next town, and ask for help, if he knows the refuge in your town, maybe he doesn’t know the one in the other town...Please Emo..do what ever it takes to stay safe..

My kindest thoughts and care..

Grandy.l

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for reaching out to me. Things have gotten a bit worse for me due the fact that I am no longer bringing in an income. My husband has taken my phone off me as that costs money which he will now be paying for. He's also taken my car keys off me as petrol costs money so I'm not to use the car. Losing the keys to my car is the worse thing that happened to me after losing my job as I was using that to sleep in and for safety when things got really bad. I'm no longer able to escape if I wanted to. It's just becoming too much forme. I've taken his iPad to reply as he hasn't hidden that yet from me.

I've tried to online chat to 1800Respect tonight but the chat was ended as there was an IT issue. I know I need to stay safe but it's not as easy as that sounds. I'm trying to keep my marriage together as I don't think I can just walk away from him. I've been thinking some awful thoughts lately. How I'm not sure if I can cope with the pain anymore, it just feels like I don't care what happens to me any more. I just want the pain to end but I'm not sure how I can do it. I guess I'm just in a really bad place. I really need to speak to someone about it but I still can't get in to see a counsellor for about another three months.

I'm trying to reach out for help but I'm now limited in what I can do without a phone to contact services. I was ready to reach out to the lovely people at Beyond Blue who have reached out to me via email but now they can't call me without my phone. It's probably too dangerous for them to do that if they could anyway. I'm trying to read all of the lovely replies that I have received from the community members again as they have some wonderful advice. I'm just really struggling with my inner thoughts that he has warped me into thinking that I deserve the abuse and it's all my fault. I'm not really a bad person who deserves the abuse and the constant torment he inflicts on me, am I? I just wish I could feel better about myself. I'm just so very sad. I just want the pain to end. I'd better go soon in case he finds out where I am. Thank you for listening. The ability to open up to lovely people like yourself is what keeps me going during the dark times. It gives me hope of finally being safe one day. I'm sorry for the long post, I'm just really struggling so it helps to get it all off my chest.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I hope you are trying to stay safe and can still connected to the BB community occasionally to help carry you through the rough times ahead.

Nobody can help you until you choose to help yourself and I feel you may be shutting down emotionally. As the breadwinner, you are entitled to share in the profits of your past labours which should not cease the moment you become unemployed (or at all, really). When you were stood down, did you receive severance pay?

I would recommend you sit down and take stock of the wages you have earned to see your share of the contribution (even 50% would give you a good idea of your minimum entitlement once living expenses were accounted for). Also consider your unpaid contribution to keeping the house clean, preparing meals, etc.

Much is required of you to maintain your dignity and self respect, Emo - you are in a cycle of abuse and deprivation to keep you feeling worthless. The loss of my mother several years ago left me feeling lost also, but I learned that her memory is still strong and with me in times of sadness.

Please use your suffering to bolster your resolve to overcome - find a new job for yourself, manage your finances (open your own account) and regain control of your life. Study a new skill to advance your prospects and restore confidence in your abilities - spend your time productively developing yourself.

Kind regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

I really appreciate your helpful suggestions. I hit rock bottom earlier today. I was so badly abused as I had nowhere safe to hide without my car. Its really obvious, the abuse has taken its toll on me. I could barely walk afterwards as the pain is really bad. I've decided enough is enough. I can't deal with this anymore. I knew I was either going to let him kill me as the abuse has gotten that bad or I needed to start working on getting my life back.

I've taken the first step towards me getting some of my life back by getting my phone back. That's how I can reply now. I'm not sure how I will be able to afford to pay for my phone bill as I have no money. My wages had to go into his account. I don't have access to that account so I'm starting again with no money.

Without my car I had to walk up the street. I went to the bank to see about getting myself my own bank account. I don't have any money to open one yet but they said if I could get some money I could start an account in my name. My last wage from work went into his account so I know I can't leave him yet as I would be homeless. I need to work out what to do next. I just know I need to work towards finally being safe.

I'm worried that my mind will make me go backwards. I still struggle on a daily basis with feeling like I deserve the abuse but I need to keep those thoughts out of my head as those thoughts will make me stay with him.

I wish I could see a counsellor but they're still booked out. I'm really relying on the wonderful help from the community forum members to keep me going and make me realise that there is still hope. I just want to be safe and not beaten on a daily basis. The hope of a day without abuse is heaven to me.

This last session of abuse was very bad, I know I can't go into details but I can't cope with that level of abuse again. I'm sorry, I'm just really emotional today. I appreciate the chance to be able to get my thoughts out of my head. I hope everyone knows that I'm really trying to help myself.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are so sorry to hear that you have been badly injured. It must be so painful, and it makes sense that you can't deal with this anymore. We can hear that you are really trying - this is by no means an easy situation. Our community is behind you, and we hope it brings you some comfort and strength to know that everyone here sees your value.

We are concerned about your wellbeing and would strongly urge that you do seek medical attention for your injuries and the pain. There are bulk billing GP services, including the National Home Doctor who will come to your home after hours - 13SICK or https://homedoctor.com.au/

It is really important that you reach out to 000 when you are in danger. Please never feel that this is not an option. The risk to your safety is an emergency.

Please remember that our friends at 1800RESPECT are always available to you on 1800 737 732 as well as through online chat at: https://www.1800respect.org.au/  There is support available to you to protect you against homelessness.

We are all wishing you peace and safety. We hope that you find the capacity to reach out for some support tonight while you have access to your phone. Please do keep reaching out here when you feel up to it.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

There is much horror contained in your last post, but I also see a glimmer of rebellion in you for taking back control. Thank you for keeping us informed and please know we are all right behind you in your endeavours.

How to boost your savings...

• If your car is your car (ie registered in your name), have you considered selling it (since you aren't using it anyway...)? It won't be much but will tide you over.
• Perhaps other items could be traded at 'Cash Converters' or equivalent (you could even sell on ebay for better returns) - hubby's ipad would a be nice touch!
• I also heard that NAB is offering interest free loans (up to $3000) for financial hardship due to covid.

There are options for you, Emo.

Avoid the "I'm worthless" self chatter and become proactive - where there is a will, there's a way.

Best wishes,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Things have gotten bad again tonight, I'm trying to keep the bad thoughts out of my head but I'm being pushed to my limit. I really appreciate your suggestions for the GP who bulk bills. I will keep the details for the next time I'm abused.

I've made my situation much worse by trying to get some help for what I'm going through. My husband found out I'd used his iPad to reach out for help. I thought I'd wiped the history of the iPad but I must have missed something.

I'm locked out of the house by him. He's got my car keys and house keys so I've got no way of going anywhere. It's quite cold tonight and he's kicked me out with just the clothes I had on so I'm freezing cold. I'm trying to keep warm by walking up and down the road.

It's very hard to see a reason to keep going when I'm in so much pain. The use of his iPad made him very angry, I should have known better. I just desperately needed to reach out for help. I'm very sore. I'm worried what internal damage he has done. I'm used to doing first aid on myself but what if I need to go to hospital again.

I'm not sure what to do. I just need to put up with the way things are until I can arrange a way to support myself. Its becoming too much for me. I need to reach out to 1800Respect again but I'm just about out of data for my phone.

I'm not sure what to do but I need to do whatever he wants me to do so I will still have a roof over my head. I'm sorry if I've revealed too much. I'm just so broken. I'd better go and stop annoying you. Its just so hard to reverse the things I've been told for years about how worthless and pathetic I am. I'm trying to see the possibility of being safe one day but when I've been abused so badly by him I start to lose hope. I'm sorry.

Regards,

Emo.