Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry to hear of your continued abuse - outside was a foolish move by your husband as it will have been recorded on many security cameras (?) of neighbours. The evidence the police were requiring may be readily available if you call them or present to a hospital ER with any supporting injuries. It will also validate your previous visit to the police station giving them cause to take your claims seriously.

Pressing charges does not automatically presume you do not love your husband or that you want a divorce - such things may transpire, but are not a direct consequence. He needs help and so do you and presently neither of you seem to have the wherewithal to resolve the impasse.

If you truly want the abuse to stop, you must maintain a safe distance (preferably many kilometres) from the source. As Sophie mentioned, finding some emergency accommodation is your best defence - be it a refuge, motel, or even a caravan park. You can then communicate safely by phone or text, and most importantly you can get some rest.

I think I can safely speak for everyone here that you are not creating annoyance - just their heightened concern for your safety and genuine desire for you to seek assistance. However, I might suggest that the added trauma of your father's passing may be leading you to certain 'self destructive' behaviours that need urgent attention.

You deserve to be happy, and you have the right to live in safety - there is a hopeful future for you with people you have yet to meet. Please don't allow yourself be consumed in grief and self torment.

Post again whenever you need to express your thoughts and feelings.

Kind regards,

t.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo..

Please don’t go back to him...He hIt you again..this time outside..Please listen to everyone talking to you here..please go to the police..You have options..you don’t have to go home...The police will look after you..take you somewhere safe...

When I was with my husband..there was no help available like their is today....If their was I wouldn’t have thought twice...We are your friends and trying to help you..please put your trust into us..and reach out for help...You don’t deserve this...He is a cruel monster, he doesn’t deserve you...He needs to be locked away in jail, the keys thrown away..so he cannot hurt you or anyone else ever again..

Go to a hospital and talk to a social worker there..tell them what’s happening to you..or the police, the refuge, your practically living in your car, your being physically abused, your not safe..Please reach out for help anywhere... please just get away from him...anyway you can, while you can please!...

You can stop his abuse...by going to the police..what he is doing to you is against the law...

My heart is breaking for you...This is so wrong, his abuse towards you will not stop.. it will only get worse unless you stop it right now...Please Go to the police, hospital or refuge..anywhere at all that’s safe for you...

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for your reply. I realise I have to make some tough decisions to make sure I’m safe. I’ve contacted 1800Respect for their advice. I’ve gone and booked myself into a motel for the night. It will give me the break you suggested. I’m not sure what my future holds with no longer having a job.

I think you are right that my grief is holding me back from being able to think straight. I had contacted GriefLine earlier but they are only able to work with me for the initial stages of grief so I’m not able to get help with the struggle I’m going through now. I’m not sure what I can do now as the wait for a counsellor is very long.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to do it but I think I might have no choice but to go to the hospital for some help and tell them what’s happening as I’m not sure if I’m able to get myself the help I need. I’m just so tired. It’s more like an emotional exhaustion.

I’d better go as I have to go to work today to pick up my things and drop off my work gear. I won’t be able to post for a long time as I was able to do that with my work equipment so without that I’ll have to try to access it some other way. I’m really trying to get help but I think I’ve reached the point of putting my health into someone else’s hands as I’m unable to get the support I need anymore. I’ll post when I’m able to get some free wifi. Please know that I’m grateful for everyone’s advice. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

I'm relieved and happy to hear you are staying in a motel.

Keep up the good work, you are listening and acting and taking charge now and for that I am very proud of you.

Keep putting your safety first. Keep staying out of harm's way.

You are doing the right thing.

🌺🌷🌻💐

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I've got wifi at the moment so I thought I'd update you all. I finished up at work today. I got quite emotional but also felt relief which is strange considering how bad things are for me as I no longer have a way to support my husband and I. As I was leaving work someone came up to me and said how sorry they were about my dad passing away. It made me burst into tears which was awkward, the person wanted to give me a hug but due to covid couldn't.

I was still really emotional and I couldn't stop crying so I headed out to the cemetery to visit my dads grave and talk to him. I know that might sound strange but he was always the one person I could go to and discuss my problems and he'd always make me feel better. I wish I'd had the strength to tell him about the abuse I was experiencing but I couldn't have him knowing my private shame, if I'd told him then I wouldn't be going through this alone. Not entirely alone as I have some amazing support from some kind and caring community members.

I'm here in my motel room and I've never felt more peace than I do right now. I'm not being totally left alone as my husbands texting me. At first it was nice texts which I wasn't used to but I ignored them as he's done that before. It didn't take long for them to turn into threats of what he'd do to me if I didn't come back to him. I wish I knew how to block his phone number. I'm scared of what he could do to me as I'm supposed to get out of the motel tomorrow morning and that would mean going back to him. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that.

I need to stay away from him but my money will have run out. I tried to chat with 1800Respect but I wasn't able to open up to them. I'm not sure what my next step will be but in my heart I know I can't go back to him. I guess I should just appreciate the safety of this motel room and know for one night I was truly safe. That feels like heaven to me right now. I'd forgotten what knowing you wouldn't be abused felt like.

Thank you Grandy and everybody else for being there for me I really appreciate the support. I do read and reread everything that you say to me, I just struggle to cope with everything all at once. I'm really trying though to take things slowly and push through. I guess I'd better get ready for bed. I can't believe I get to say that, I will be in a proper bed for once, not the car. It's been months I think since I've been in one and knowing that I can lie down safely. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

We are so glad to hear that tonight you are safe and you are feeling peaceful. You have the right to feel this way at all times. It sounds like you've had a very emotional day.

Please remember that at any time you are in danger, this is an emergency and 000 should be contacted.

You might be more comfortable seeking advice through the 1800RESPECT webchat rather than over the phone - https://www.1800respect.org.au/  We would strongly urge that you do get their advice on how to proceed in the morning in a way that will keep you safe. Financial concerns do not need to prevent you from staying away - the 1800RESPECT website has lots of pages to direct you to ways you can get free support - https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/services-overview
The counsellors also may be able to help you in blocking calls and messages.

Enjoy your peaceful sleep in a safe bed. Please feel free to reach out here anytime.
 

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you very much for reaching out to me, I really appreciate it. You are always so helpful with your comments. Your comment stating that I have a right to feel safe and peaceful really made me think as I've always been told by my husband that I deserve everything he does to me. He calls me some awful things and belittles me so much that I usually feel grateful that he even wants to still be married to me. I felt like I was lucky to have him in my life but I'm starting to realise that I'm not as worthless as he makes me out to be.

I do have some good qualities, it's really hard for me to say that but I'm not as useless and hated as he makes me out to be. I'm friendly and kind, trustworthy. That's all I can think of myself right now but maybe one day I may even be able to think that I am pretty. I used to think that when I had makeup on I had a nice face, now all I see when I look in the mirror is a disgusting old witch which is what my husband tells me I am, amongst other things. I guess I just want my confidence back.

Thank you also for your suggestions of how to reach out to 1800Respect again. I thought it would be better if I spoke to them in person but I couldn't really say the words to them that I was in danger and that I'm being badly abused. I will try chat online with them as it worked last time. I'd really like it if they could help me to block his number as the texts are now turning into violent threats, they are really scaring me. I'm terrified that he will find out where I'm staying as I'm in a motel in the same town we live in.

I'm going to see if my work has paid me tomorrow and then maybe I can stay one more night in the motel as I really like the feeling of safety and peace. I'm just worried that if I get used to this feeling and I like it, I will be devastated when I have to go back to the abuse again and that feeling will be snatched away from me.

I'd better go now and enjoy my night in a bed in case it's my last night of peace and safety. Even if it is the only night I get away from him, I'm so grateful for the opportunity. I will be able to remember this amazing feeling in the bad times. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I am delighted that you have found 'normality' in a comfortable bed and abuse free night - everyday could (and should) be this way. Can you contemplate driving on to another town to get back on your feet again? Rely on charity if necessary, you are strong enough to survive and flourish with your new found freedom if you want it.

Have you ever considered dictating how things should be to your husband? Simply returning home may only empower your husband to consolidate his authority and further diminish yours. Have you ever been apart from your husband long enough for him to truly appreciate all you do for him (let him fold his own towels for a while!).

Your time away may open his eyes to the fact that he probably needs you more than you need him (in his current state of mind, anyway). He also needs to feel how wrong you are being treated and this could take a while - you would be investing in this realisation with your absence and steadfastness in your intolerance for disrespect.

... just some thoughts as you regain control of your life, Emo.

Take care,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

I'm so sorry, I made a terrible mistake today. I fell for my husbands lies. I honestly thought he had changed. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I went back to him because I truly believed he cared for me. I was so vulnerable after the day I had yesterday.

I really liked the feeling of freedom being safe in the motel but I felt so guilty being away from him. I didn't last long back home with him before he went back to his old ways. As soon as his hand came towards me to hurt me I fled. I got back in my car and escaped.

I've been driving around for hours now as I'm not sure what to do. I'm so disappointed in myself. I've lost my way but I really just wanted to believe that he could change. I guess I need to just stop driving and try to sleep in my car somewhere.

I have very little money left as I had to give the last of my money to my husband. I'd better go. I need to work on getting some safety and accommodation for myself. Thank you for letting me open up to you all without judgement.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Well done for fleeing this time, and use the experience as a reminder of coercion disguised as sweet talk. Do not blame yourself for wanting to believe the best.

I take it you have no credit/debit card ? Here are some options:-

• If you are on joint accounts, you may be able to walk into a bank, present some ID, and withdraw cash - your cash, that you earned.

• If you have Superannuation, you may also be able to claim hardship to access emergency funds
• As Geoff referred to, you can apply to Centrelink for Jobseeker
• Place yourself into the care of protective services

Hope this provides some ideas to buy time away - your husband needs awareness that his actions are forcing you out and that you will no longer stand for it.

Kind regards,

t.