Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Emo]

Hi Grandy,

I’m sorry I worried you. I have spoken to the police but unless I want to press charges and have him arrested there’s not a great deal they can do. I tried to talk to the police officer who helps people in domestic violence cases but he’d left for the day. I was quite uncomfortable trying to discuss my situation with the Police officer I spoke to as he said there’s no point doing anything unless I’ve got pictures. It was embarrassing as he asked for very personal details about the abuse so I won’t do that again.

I’m not sure what to do next. I was finished up at work today so it’s been an emotional day. I’m terrified of telling my husband as I’m the main breadwinner. I’m not sure what I will do. I know I’ve been given some good suggestions from other posters but I’m concerned that he will find out from my employer.

I was in a very bad place last night. My emotions were making me spiral downwards. The abuse was horrific and it affected me more than it normally does. I think the fact that I will be home with him 24/7 while I don’t have a job terrifies me. He will be even more angry than he normally is. I’m not sure what to do?

I’m starting to realise how dangerous it will be for me without a job to go to. I think at the very least I need to have an escape plan in place. I’m trying to work out how to keep myself safe without having to sleep in my car anymore. My lack of sleep is really doing me damage both mentally and physically. I’m so scared of him finding me if I go to the women’s refuge as I know he will drag me home with him. He’s a very dangerous man who is capable of inflicting such horrific pain on me when he abuses me.

It’s also been a bad day with my grief about my dads death. It seems like everything I look at brings me undone. It all seems to remind me of him and then I break down crying. I should be keeping my emotions under control regarding my dads death as it’s been almost 3 months since he passed away. I should be better at hiding my emotions.

I’m so grateful that I have this opportunity to get everything off my chest as it was all building up inside myself. It really helps. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, thanks for checking in with us tonight. We acknowledge how much strength it would've taken you to share your story wth the police. It was very brave of you to do this. We're sorry to hear they weren't able to provide you with much help. If you're unsure of where to turn next, perhaps you might give our Support Service a call ? (1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport) or our friends at 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ . The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in situations like your own.  And if you ever feel unsafe, please remember to contact triple zero and ask for the police.  We'd also like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are concerned for you.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Sorry to hear of your experience with the police - surely you would have spoken with a female officer over such personal matters? Never be afraid to request what you would be comfortable with; but I'm glad you are trying all avenues for help - please don't give up on this.

You may find another resource at:-

https://www.safesteps.org.au/

email: safesteps@safesteps.org.au (if you don't want to call)

Of course, it is entirely up to you how you handle things, but please consider your fatigue and its affect on your judgment. Safety first, Emo.

Do take care,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I did ask to speak to a female police officer but he said it was him or nothing. Not those exact words but similar. It’s very hard for me to reach out for help but I know I need to keep doing it if I want a chance to live in safety. The danger I’m in right now is very bad. He’s going to be so angry with me having lost my job, he’s always relied on me to provide our income. I’m not sure how I can tell him and still be safe. I’m starting to panic just thinking about it.

I’d better stop thinking about it or I will spiral down into sadness again. I’m out in my car for safety but I will have to go inside shortly as it’s freezing cold, it’s only 1degree tonight. I’d hoped to stay safe in the car but even with my blankets and thermals I’m still freezing. I hope he’s not very angry tonight as I’m so tired. I would be happy with even just a few hours of sleep. I just want a break from all of the abuse.

I’m so grateful that I can reach out like this for support. It’s really helped me to open up and reveal some things that I thought I would just take to my grave with me. Thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, 

Thanks for checking in with us tonight. It was very brave of you to speak to the police and it would have taken a lot of strength to do so. 

Please remember to contact triple zero and ask for the police if you feel unsafe. 

We'd also like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are concerned for you.

[Ggrand]

Dear Emo..

I am so proud of you for ringing the police..That takes a lot of courage.....

Emo...sweetheart, your living in fear of abuse, possibly also fear of your life...Sleeping nightly in your car...because you fear for yourself going in to your home to sleep...This is wrong....

You’re husband knows where the refuge is...The people who run the refuge will protect you from him “ dragging you back home”..They will immediately call 000 to protect you...They will help you put out a DVO on your husband to keep you safe....They could possibly move you to another refuge to keep you safe from him....The first priority of a refuge centre is to keep you safe....

Please don’t apologise for worrying me...I am worried about you because I know what can happen behind closed doors...I know your fear...I know your hurt and pain...and these will never go away ever, while you are still with him...

Please try hard..to ring 1800 respect...on 1800 737 732 They can and will help you...

Please Dear Emo..keep talking here when you need to, we are here for you....with our care..

Hugs to you sweetheart....

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

I am very concerned for your safety, Emo.

Your husband beats you for poorly folding a towel or speaking out of turn. How does losing your job, income, and livelihood compare in relation to what his reaction will be?

Presently I fear for your irrationality over even contemplating telling your husband without expecting the most dire consequences.

If you do feel compelled to advise this, you must at least have a third party representative present to witness or intervene as required (perhaps being in a public place would suffice). I would even recommend texting from a remote (unknown) location to allow the anger to dissipate over a week or more - give yourself a well earned break in a motel (or refuge) while you wait. It will give you time to get your head in order and hopefully see things as they are.

It's up to you whether you go back and you can base your decision on his response. Do not accept coercion, but rely on facts. You have the power and the right to do as you please.

Think hard on this please, Emo.

Regards,

t.

[Emo]

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Unfortunately my husband has found out about me losing my job as someone from work told him. I don’t think they realise what danger they are putting me in. I’m hiding in a secret location in my car right now. I’m scared of going back to him but it is freezing cold tonight so I will probably have to go back to him or freeze to death. I’m not sure what to do.

I left the house after he said that he knew. I got in my car to leave and before I could get my door closed he became violent. He did it outside the house, I was shocked as he never wants anyone else to see him abuse me as he’s always put on a persona with other people that he’s a charming person.

It’s really scared me as I’m normally able to get out to the car knowing I’m safe but now I’m not sure if I’m safe anywhere. I’m sorry I’ve been trying to not post as much because I feel like I’m annoying people by doing it. I just really needed to reach out to someone as I’m so emotional right now. I just can’t stop crying and shaking. I’m not sure if I’m shaking because of the cold or if it’s because I’m terrified.

My grief over my dads death isn’t helping me at the moment as I went to a place that dad and I went to together and I started to break down. I just can’t cope with anything else right now. I’m trying to shut my feelings down as I’m not sure what I will do as I can’t be hurt like this again. I just can’t cope with any more abuse. I’m so sorry I’d better go. I’m just so very sad.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Emo, welcome back to the forums and thank you for checking in with us. It sounds like tonight has been so difficult for you. Please know that you do not deserve to be treated like this and that there is help available to you.  A safe place tonight could be a women's shelter. Women’s shelters (sometimes called safe houses or refuges) provide safe and secure accommodation and specialist support for women and children escaping domestic and family violence. For more information on women's shelters please read here: https://www.dvconnect.org/womensline/about-womens-shelters/

You can search for safe places near you using the 1800Respect "Search for support services" webpage: https://www.1800respect.org.au/services

You may also want to get in contact with 1800RESPECT. When you contact 1800RESPECT, you will talk to a trained counsellor who will listen and support you in what feels right for you and your situation. They will work with you to help you identify what you can do and to find the right services or support for you (including finding a women's shelter). 

If you find yourself in a situation where you are an immediate danger, this is an emergency and you should call 000.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 
   

[Emo]

Hi Sophie M,

Thank you for replying to me. Since I received your reply I have been checking out the websites you recommended. I’m having trouble with the 1800Respect services page. It’s not working for me. It looks like it takes a day or so for emergency accommodation to be arranged so it’s too late for tonight.

I guess I just have to go back to him. I’m just too tired to protect myself anymore. I don’t care what happens to me. It’s become too much. I’ve tried to find a counsellor but the wait to see someone is 4 months. I’ve been trying to hang in there but 16 weeks is a long time. I’m thinking that I need to accept the abuse. I’m just so tired and cold. I need to get some sleep in safety.

I will try to chat with 1800Respect first thing tomorrow. I’m so grateful for your help, thank you. I’ll try to keep myself safe until then but I’m running out of places for me to hide. I just want him to stop the abuse.

Regards,

Emo.