Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for reaching out. We are so sorry to hear what is going on tonight. You can go to the hospital tonight if you need some help. If there is not one near by you can call 000 for assistance. Calling 1800 respect is a good idea! if you are worried about the charges on your phone you could check with them to see if calling you back is an option.

We hope everything goes well and please continue to reach out here if you need support.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Emo,

The ONLY thing you need to focus on/ do RIGHT now is to get out of HARMS way!

You need to call 000...go to the HOSPITAL, tell them what he's been doing, get the POLICE involved....and it's then their responsibility to keep you SAFE.

Can U do this for us? More importantly yourself? Don't think about it just do it.

Good luck

💗

[Emmen]

Dear Emo,

Your posts are really difficult to read. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you're going through.

Will you be able to use your neighbour's phone and call 000?

I know we've been through the women's refuge suggestion before, but even if your husband knows where it is, you're much safer there than in this situation. You will not get abused there, you will be cared for. Even if your husband turns up, there are people who can keep you safe.

This is not about your need for counselling anymore, Emo. This is a threat to your life and you need to get out of this situation. We can only keep comforting you and giving you suggestions on this forum. What we all want you to do now is to take action. We care for you, Emo. We want you safe.

- M

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo..

Your posts are getting really hard to read, knowing what your going through is very heartbreaking for me..I am so deeply sorry this is happening to you...I cried reading your last 2 posts because my own memories are still so strong..

Please don’t think about anything..just call 000 to get you out of their..you need to go now..not tonight, tomorrow or next week...because he might hurt you that bad that their will be no tomorrow’s...

You matter to us here and we are scared for you...You are important, you husband is like mine a very mean narcissistic monster....He will NEVER stop..mine didn’t until he passed away...so please don’t be afraid of the police or going to the hospital...I know they will help you..

Please just leave....I have never told anyone on these forums what to do....except for you because my hear is hurting so much for you..

Kindest thoughts and a warm hug..

Grandy..

[Emo]

Hi Grandy and everyone,

I'm sorry I'm not replying to everyone right now but I promise I will later when I get a chance. I just wanted to update everyone. I started to develop some medical issues after the last lot of abuse which quickly became very serious so I walked myself to the hospital as I couldn't use my car and I didn't have any money for a taxi. I'm being kept in hospital overnight as I'm needing some monitoring and some tests. I normally try to get out of the hospital to get back home to him as soon as I possibly could as it would make him really angry the longer I was away but this time I'm not trying to. I'm in a bad way so I need to stay and get the medical help I need.

I think they may know the reason why I've had to come to the hospital as the abuse is fairly obvious. They have been really kind to me as they haven't pushed me to discuss it yet. I'm struggling with what to do next. I guess I just need to take my time and get better. I'm just worried that they might want me to go home tomorrow and I'm not sure where I will go. I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry, I'm just starting to panic as I'm scared of what he will do when I go home to him. I'm sorry but I'd better go as I'm about to get some more tests done now. I'll try to reply to everyone later. Thank you for your care and concern everyone. You are all giving me strength while I am struggling with what to do. I really appreciate all of your advice, I read every word of it over and over in my head. Please know I'm trying to get better and accept help.

Regards,

Emo.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

Thank you for keeping in touch - even when you are at your worst. You are truly a wonderful soul who deserves so much love and affection that has been denied for many years. Walking yourself to hospital sounds positively gruesome and is a sad indictment on your remorseless husband to not make atonement for his actions at least.

Yet, I am glad you have found the care you need in hospital. "I think they may know the reason why I've had to come to the hospital" - yes, I am sure they do as well; but doctors and nurses will not usually pass judgment beyond the physical extent of your injuries unless you speak up and permit them to take the next steps.

You could ask to speak to the resident Social Worker for a confidential chat and support, or you could report the abuse to the doctor/nurse to make it official - I hope you can see that this abuse can only escalate and how perilous remaining silent could be for you.

You've opened up to us and received some emotional support and encouragement, but we are not the physical support you need - please tell your story without fear to those who can enact a Safety Plan for you. Once it is clear, you will not be sent back home until your safety can be assured.

Rest up, Emo, and have the courage to face reality.

Kindest regards,

t.

[monkey_magic]

Emo,

Now is the time to use your head. You are saying you are struggling with what to do.

It is very obvious looking from the outside in that you cannot go back there.

Tell them at the hospital. I know this is very hard for you but tell them you need a safe place to sleep because of what your partner is doing.

Under no circumstances should you go back there alone. Police can come with you if you need to get your things.

Now is not the time to be brave. Now is the time to walk away.

[Emo]

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update as I'm supposed to be resting but I wanted to reach out to you all you to thank you for your wise words. I'm not sure if I can tell the staff at the hospital the full story yet but I've told them I'm scared of going home. I didn't mean to but I had a really bad dream last night in the hospital where I woke up screaming and crying. I said it was because of some trauma in my marriage. The nurse was so nice to me, she said for me to focus on getting rest and getting better before I worry about anything else.

I'm terrified of him finding me but they say I'm safe in the hospital. I guess I've told them more than I thought by my actions. It looks like I will be in hospital for a while as I've got some internal injuries. I think it's starting to sink in that he's hurt me quite badly this time.

It's still a struggle in my mind between feeling like I deserve what he does to me and I'm lucky to have him and then thinking why does he do this to me. The years of abuse has made me so confused in my mind. It's not as easy as people think to change your thoughts after years of being told these things.

I'd better go now I've got to have more tests done. It looks like I'm going to need surgery. I can't believe I'm telling you all this but I'm doing it as I feel so cared for by you all. I wish my husband cared for me. Thank you for listening to me. I will try to reply to you all later. I'm very tired though so it might not be today.

Regards,

Emo.

[Ggrand]

Hello Emo,

Thank you so much for keeping us updated..

No need to reply sweetheart..We know you’re safe in the hospital and being cared for..Please do as the nurse said..concentrate on you and rest up...

I’m deeply sorry he has hurt you bad enough to need an operation,,,,

Listening to you...Please don’t worry about replying until your well enough to do so...We are not going anywhere and sitting quietly next to...

My care, kind thoughts and gentle hugs..

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Emo,

"I've told them I'm scared of going home" - well done, you have started the conversation and you can rest easier. There is nothing else you need to do for now, and can relax knowing that your fears have been heard - you will be completely safe in hospital as all visitors are screened (and yours will have a red flag to call security).

"I woke up screaming and crying. I said it was because of some trauma in my marriage" - those night terrors are your subconscious speaking for you - you are crying out for help despite yourself and your body has decided enough is enough.

I'm sorry you have endured such horrific injuries, but in one way, it has saved you from much worse. Your hospital stay will be a road to recovery in many positive ways - safe, caring, and healing.

Take your time, Emo, and trust in the nurses and doctors to talk to them, as you have us, whenever you feel you can.

Best wishes for your recovery,

t.