What do I do

[Kal08]

My wife (same sex marriage) abused me 5 days ago. She was jealous I was on my phone when we had guests around watching the AFL grand final. She called me into our bedroom (with our friends outside) and physically hurt me. I took myself to hospital and they admitted me for observation due to concussion. I also have physical trauma.

The abuse has happened before, on and off. Always due to rage and jealousy and trust issues. I’ve never done anything wrong, never cheated, never text anyone and deleted messages, never been sneaky. It’s a cycle. She will abuse me, the next day apologise (sometimes I’ve even apologised) and then we have a honey moon phase where everything is fantastic.

My wife and I married August 11th 2018. 8 months leading up to the wedding everything was fine. She was hardly ever jealousy. Her anger was better managed and I thought “she is changing”, I thought this was the start of our forever.

After she abused me Saturday and I was discharged from hospital Sunday I went straight to my mums. My partner has confided in her mother and her mother has helped seek help. She rings and texts and says she is so sorry and knows it is wrong. Her mother also blames her father as he abused her mother and cheated on her and that’s why my wife has these rage inside of her. And that with help she is certain she can get better.

i am at a stage now where I do not want to salvage my marriage. I’m exhausted. I don’t believe she can change. Even though she is seeking help. I just feel extremely bad that I want to end our relationship when she is about to seek help but I can’t wait in limbo and support her in hopes she changes.

We are catching up on Sunday to talk and I want to know what others opinions of me wanting to end this. As we are married I don’t know if we can “break up”. Can we break up and have our own lives and maybe re connect later down the track? I don’t know I’m lost

thank you all

[SammyD100]

Hi Kal

I’m so glad you have reached out for advice and support. It sounds like things are really difficult for you right now – for so many reasons – and it’s so great that you are actively seeking assistance.

You are right that you have been abused. You were physically abused on Grand Final weekend, and I imagine have probably been emotionally and psychologically abused by her in the past too? You have also identified some of the aspects of the cycle of abuse. The abuse itself, the apology, the honeymoon period… There’s also the latent period (where nothing happens and you might feel like everything is going to be OK), and then the abuse starts again. I'm guessing that's been your experience with your wife?

People in abusive relationships find it incredibly hard to leave. Most statistics suggest it takes about seven attempts to finally leave an abusive relationship. Patterns of abuse, the cost of ending a relationship, the social stigma… all of this plays into the decision to ultimately return to an abusive partner. But the abuse will inevitably continue.

It sounds like your wife has unfortunately experienced a family history that has set a pattern for her in her own intimate relationships, and this is something she needs to work on for herself. It sounds like she might need space and time to work on this, on her own. She needs to make the decision to do the work to change, if that is truly what she wants. Noone else can make that decision for her. And this will take time.

You need to do what is right for you. You are exhausted, you need to take some time to heal. It’s only natural that you would feel guilty about making a decision to end the relationship, and I imagine that any decision you make is going to be incredibly difficult.

Ultimately you don’t need to make any final decisions right now. You can decide to ‘separate’ and be separated for years even, living completely separate lives, before making any decisions about divorce. But I also hope that you can continue to hold onto the insight you have about patterns of abuse, abusive relationships, your rights to be safe and respected, and the fact that you have been abused and that this is not OK.

All the best,

SammyD

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Kal,

I'm a lesbian. I have never been in a romantic relationship where there has been abuse and violence, but my childhood was filled with it, mainly from my father but I experienced other forms of abuse from people known to the family.

I have met many, many lesbians that are in your situation or have been in your situation. It is very taboo and remains hidden in the community. It is just as common as it is in the straight world. When, as a community we have been fighting for basic rights, such as having our marriages formally recognised by law, no-one wants to stick their neck out and admit that we are just like heterosexual couples, and this includes the dark and the light. People come to relationships with the same emotional and developmental problems that are so prevalent in our society and out sexuality does not mean squat. Try telling health and social services this.

Your partner has experienced backwards-bias that has gone in her favour. Lets face it Kal, if that was a bloke, she probably would have been charged. When it's a women being violent they are more likely to put it down to mental ill health that is transient and not repetitive. It sounds like it has been very repetitive for a very long time. This is not good, and much bigger than little old you.

I would leave, at the very least separate...…..maybe that's my childhood experiences shining through. But your thought processes of 'feeling bad' that youre leaving while shes trying to get better are very typical of abuse dynamics. You feel guilty when the guilt is hers. That's how you get reeled back in. And your self esteem, even if you're too proud to admit it would be sinking very low, so she has the upper hand there. You are vulnerable and she will play on that. She also has a live example of her mother staying in the abusive relationship and she will hope that you are like your mother-in-law.

There's a lot of shame around being abused. It gnaws at you. But I think you really need to shift the focus from her and enter therapy yourself. I know there's a lot stigma around inter-partner violence, it doesn't discriminate, it occurs in all socioeconomic backgrounds.

I hope that you reach out for help. What did your friends say? Are they supportive?

Def