UPDATE: Opinions on whether this is emotional abuse

[ladygrey]

Hi there.

First post, i'm looking for opinions/advice on whether my boyfriend's behavior is emotionally abusive.

Full disclosure: I've been in a previous emotionally abusive relationship and quite recently I kissed a stranger at a bar, after a number of unpleasant events with my boyfriend - immediately fessed up, hasn't happened before or since.

Prior to the infidelity, he:

- walked out midway through a dinner after I refused to move in (approx 6 months in) and wouldn't talk to me for a week.

- is extremely critical of how I do things around the house (cleaning, cooking etc) and regularly brings this up as a joke in front of my and his friends

- often does things that physically hurt me as a joke

- has significant road rage, chasing down cars that have cut him off, screaming EXTREME profanities. If I say this frightens me he will refuse to talk to me and/or frequently glare at me.

- blames me for minor things that occur. On a holiday we had to walk from a ferry to our hire car and we ran into a wall that blocked us off. Threw the bag and swore at me

-often suggests I look chubby or I smell as a joke

- gets extremely angry if I dress "too nicely" because of how it makes him "look stupid" and questions why i've done it.

After the inifidelity now, he:

- gets angry when I drink or go out with platonic male friends. Says he is never going to tell me "what to do" but then tells me that i'll only embarrass myself or hurt him so I may as well not do it/he doesn't like it.

- tells me I am "too fragile" to handle basic life tasks without "having a breakdown"

- constantly brings up the infidelity - usually in the middle of the night, he wakes me up - and tells me he's anxious and angry, but when I suggest solutions (counsellors etc), he tells me there's no point because i'm the cause of his problems anyway.

These are all examples, though there is more. These normally happen once every three or four days, and afterwards he's extremely loving, caring, and tells me how good he is for 'looking after me'.

Also as a side note, I have anxiety, depression and ocd.

Just wanted some opinions. Thanks for your help

[pipsy]

Hi ladygrey. It's terrible that your ex partner treated you that way. He was the one who caused you to back away, he just doesn't want to see he needs help. I hope you will be okay. It will take time for you to heal and restore your self confidence. The abuse will have taken it's toll and left some emotional scarring. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself again. Deleting you from fb is temper tantrum because you reclaimed your life. That's actually a good thing. You can actually do the same from your end. I would also look at changing your phone number in case he texts you. You need to care for yourself.

Take care and all the best.

Lynda

[White_Rose]

Dear Ladygrey

I did not respond to your initial post and have only now read the whole story. Up to the time you left our stories were the same. I know where you are coming from and how hard it feels now that you have left him. I did leave but was able to do in more safety than you as there was less physical abuse. Also because my children helped me to go.

But don't be fooled by that. Any abuse is unacceptable and I am still recovering after 30 years together. We had four children which made everything so much more complicated and frankly I believed him when he said I would not manage on my own. But I left and have been on my own for 16 years. It will be hard, no two ways about it. You have demonstrated your strength and that makes me happy and makes you happy and at less risk.

Go out and have fun with your friends and family. It's fantastic your parents were so supportive even though your mom was charmed into thinking he was a good guy. I know it will take time to trust again and this is the legacy you will live with unfortunately. It's certainly my legacy. Every time I have any kind of disagreement with a man, even the most simple of discussions, it triggers my fear and anger. Fortunately I have started, quite recently, to see what is happening and learning to move on.

You will move forward as well and I hope in time will find someone worthy of you.

Well done and good luck.

Mary

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Ladygrey,

I am so very happy for you and pleased you found the courage to do this. How wonderful to have the support of your parents too.

It will probably leave you with a lot of emotions and it will take a while to feel "normal" again. When big changes like this happen to me I like to spend time goal setting. This involves writing a list of things I want in life and what I can do to achieve them. I find goal setting helps me refocus and keep looking forward. Perhaps this might work for you.

Best wishes,

Carol

[Marcsa]

Hi Ladygrey,

I think you did the right thing. It must have been hard, from what you describe - it was. Take time out for yourself. I wish you positive things from here on.