Unhappy Relationship - Abuse (Physical, Mental, Emotional)

feeling_lost · ‎05-03-2016

I am a 21 year old female who has very recently been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (prescribed medication - started medication in 01/03/2016)
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 14 months. In February 2015 I fell pregnant to him, and in March 2015 I found out I had a miscarriage. After the miscarriage, my partner proposed to me; to which I said yes.
Ever since then we have argued about anything and everything. To begin with it would just be yelling and screaming because we both have trust issues. Then it would turn into physical abuse (mainly on his behalf to begin with, but after a while of being hit around, I too would become quite violent)
For the past three months our relationship has been VERY rocky and VERY abusive. I find it mainly due to financial issues (I work full time, he doesn't work at all due to a broken wrist) so I find myself taking care of a majority of food, bills, rent etc. When I approach him for assistance with something, whether it be money, housework, someone to talk to etc. he ignores me and doesn't give me the time of day, which is why my depression has become so bad.
We call each other names, throw objects at each other, push, shove, hit and scratch, but lately I have found that I am the one who has a VERY short temper and I will tend to hit things around me instead of my partner (e.g doors, walls, windows)
I do not have a very good relationship with my family, so due to this I feel as though my partner is the only person who I can run to, and he makes this known to me by saying things like 'You have no one else but me, don't f*ck around or I will leave you'
He makes me feel as though I have something 'mentally wrong' with me, but I don't know what to do about it or who to talk to.
I am terrified of losing the man that I love because of my temper and the fact that I feel as though I am unable to just sit and have a conversation with him without getting overly emotional or temperamental.
I have been referred to a psychotherapist for further treatment, but I would like to know who I can speak to or what I can do in the meantime because I'm afraid if I don't do something soon; I will lose my job, my house and the man I love.
Any help or recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

Guest_1055 · ‎06-03-2016

Hello precious one..

I am so glad you reached out to here, so glad. I welcome you with open arms, if you like hugs. I felt sad, when I read about what life is like for you at the moment. And I am sorry you are struggling. I am also very sorry that you had a miscarriage and lost the tiny life within you.

I don't normally give advice to others, as I don't often feel qualified to do so. But truthfully I think you should leave this violent home life. It does not sound like a happy place at all. You are so so precious and valuable and deserve to be treated that way.

Do you have some friends that you could perhaps stay with? Or other relatives? I know where I live, there is a safe women's shelter that women going through domestic violence can find refuge and help. You can live there for a time, until things in your life are sorted out. Maybe there is such a place in your area??

Also you can ring the 24 hour phone number here at Beyond Blue on: 1300 22 4636. They may be able to advise you further or if you want someone else to talk to, they will listen.

Also another thing.....Since you have only been on the meds for such a short time, well sometimes they may take a while to work as they should.

I hope I have not offended you or anything with my advice. It is just I care about you and want you to live a happy and safe life.

Please take care

With love

Shelley xx

White_Rose · ‎06-03-2016

Dear Feeling Lost

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I want to add my welcome to the lovely welcome Shelley has given you.

Reading your post a couple of things came to mind. These are my, at best, guesses so you may disagree. I wonder if you both feel frustrated and angry because of your situations. You because you bring in the money and him because he feels helpless because he is not working. Does he get sick pay?

You say you both have trust issues which must make life very difficult. You are both grieving I imagine, about the loss of your baby. This is shown in all sorts of ways, and unfortunately one way is anger.

When do you see your psychiatrist? I hope you do not need to wait long. You can phone Beyond Blue if you want to talk to someone. Or there is Lifeline 13 11 14. You can contact SANE on 1800 18 7263, website www.sane.org These are organisations offer emergency telephone assistance. Relationships Australia can offer counselling and their number is 1300 364 277, web address is www.relationships.org.au They do not have emergency counselling available but this may be useful if you want or need Shelley's suggestion of a Women's Refuge.

Your partner sounds a very controlling person by saying he is the only person you can run to. And making you feel mentally incompetent is truly abusive. The only safe way with this man is to find yourself another home before the verbal abuse turns into nasty physical abuse.

You have your temper issues to deal and this is not helped when living with someone who constantly exacerbates your temper. Good for you that you have recognised this and you are looking for help in this area.

Your medication may help a bit further down the track. Medications of this sort usually take 4-6 weeks to be fully operational. So hang in there. The meds are helping a little every day.

Please continue to write in here as we are anxious about your well-being.

Mary

Guest_1055 · ‎07-03-2016

Good Morning feeling_lost......

Just thought I would pop in this morning, and say hello to you. Are you feeling any better today?

OK bye now,

Shelley xx

feeling_lost · ‎07-03-2016

Hello Shelley and Mary;

I appreciate both your replies. It took me a while to even work up the courage to write this post as I was worried about what people would think about me.
In regards to friends/relatives that I can potentially stay with; there is not really any option there for me at the moment. I moved from one side of South Australia to the other to be closer to my partners family and friends, and got a job close to where we were living.
I find that when I spend time apart from my partner, I feel so lonely and depressed. I am not very good at being alone and I feel that even though my partner and I argue, I would much rather argue with him than not have him around.
My self-confidence and self-worth has deteriorated very quickly. I find myself not eating very often anymore and I have very little motivation to complete day to day tasks such as cooking dinner, doing dishes, washing clothes etc.

I dont know what to do. He tells me we aren't together and that we are strictly 'housemates' living together at the moment because we have a joint rental lease agreement. I have no problem in taking this 'break' that he has suggested, but he still expects me to pay the full rent amount, full bills amount and full food shopping amount?! He still accesses my bank account using a card that I gave him when we were together and its like things haven't changed from us being together.
The only thing that has changed is the fact that he has been talking to other females and catching up with other females in the 2 week period we have been on this 'break'

I am not sure what to do from here and would appreciate any further assistance.

Thanks
xxx

pipsy · ‎07-03-2016

Dear feeling_lost. Hi, there. Just thought I'd try to guide you a bit more through your emotional 'blackness'. You are going through what is called the 'battered wife' syndrome. It's quite common when we are victims of long term abuse of any description. It's easier to remain in the toxic relationship than 'going it' alone. Unfortunately it's not going to improve because he doesn't have to change. Talking to other females is another way of controlling the situation. He knows you're not going to confront him because you 'need' him. As far as him wanting you to 'foot' any and all bills, don't consider that for a moment. If you do, he has it made. It's also common to feel depressed and lonely because his company is better than none, that's another symptom of battered wife. There is absolutely no reason for you to be alone. Take back your bank card. I'm not sure if you're working, but if you are, could you get together with friends for an evening out. Would you consider joining a social club, don't worry about feeling inadequate to start with. Everybody joining any sort of social club has the same amount of concern about 'fitting in'. Once you establish a life of your own, you'll start regaining your confidence. I would start looking at finding somewhere else to live.

Let us know how you're going. Remember, you're never alone. BB will also help.

feeling_lost · ‎08-03-2016

Pipsy;

Thank you very much for your input. I can tell you that how you described things above is exactly how I feel.
I do nothing but work 6 days a week, come home, clean, cook, wash etc. and sleep.
The social life I have is VERY limited, and is generally only with my partners friends, none of my own.
He is a very controlling person, which limits the amount of things I am 'allowed' to do.
(e.g - It takes me 35 - 40 minutes to drive home from work. If I am any longer than that, I get accused of being cheating, lying . I am not allowed to have any male acquaintances/friends, or any female ones to be truthful. I work in a male dominated industry (I am the only female in the workplace I am currently at - total of 10 males and myself) so I am always being told that I am providing sexual favours in turn to keep my employment etc)
I am just very terrified of trying to move on. I feel responsible for the well being of my partner and I know that if I was to move away from the property we rent; he would not be able to afford the rent/bills and he would not have a place to live. Also; 90% of the furniture/white goods in the house are mine (lounges, TVS, main bedroom suite, fridge, washing machine, dining table, outdoor setting etc) so if I was to permanently leave, he again would be left with nothing.
Some people tell me that he deserves to be left with nothing after the hell he has put me through, but I still love him and still want nothing but the best for him.
But I am at my wits end trying to deal with all of this. Financially; I am at a point where I could support myself with no worries. Mentally; I am lost. I feel as though I dont have the mental and emotional strength to deal with leaving the man I was meant to spend my life with.
I dont think he realises how much I gave up of my own life to move away with him to try and start OUR life together.
I just wish he would listen to me and show me that he does care like he says he does. But I cant have a conversation with him about anything without him saying that 'its not his problem' or 'why do you need to tell me about all your problems' etc. which makes my depression worse...
I wish that he would change, I truly do... but the more I talk about this, the more people seem to tell me that isn't going to happen.

xxxx

pipsy · ‎08-03-2016

Hi feeling-lost. Hi there. At the risk of being blocked I'm going to stick my neck out a bit. The first thing you have to do is get past the guilt you're feeling at leaving him stranded. Narcissist's never care enough to worry about what you're doing or not doing. They are controllers and he will soon move on to his next victim (he's probably already got someone waiting). People who have told you he won't change are spot-on. Why should he have to, he plays the victim so well, people who meet him for the first time automatically feel very sorry for this 'waif' who (supposedly) has no-one. No-one understands him, how hard he's worked to make everything go right. After everything he did to make you and him work and you threw it back in his face. These are the stories he will tell anyone stupid enough to buy into his fantasy. He will lie, cheat, steal do anything to get people to fall for him. Ignore the innuendoes about sexual misconduct at work, that's another ploy to undermine your confidence. Don't buy into 'how am I going to pay the bills' etc. That's his problem. Don't feel guilty about taking back control of your life. The only thing I will say, however is, buy enough for you food-wise. Tell him from now on the rent, power, utilities etc are halved. I would try and get a contract drawn to state he pay half, you pay half. If you want to pay everything, ask him to leave. Unfortunately, you are going to have to toughen up if you want to remain where you are. Flatmates split costs to pay rent, phone, power etc. If that is how he wants to live, then that's how it has to be. Basically he has to 'shape up, or ship out'. Expect nothing from him except his share of rent, phone etc. If he questions you about where you're going and who with, tell him 'mind your own business'. Maybe discuss with your Dr about self-assertion classes. Don't try to 'topple' him, let him trip himself up, he will eventually meet his match.

White_Rose · ‎08-03-2016

My Dear

Everything you have been told is absolutely right. Pipsy has said tell him to shape up or ship out and this is the only way you will get your life back. Cancel the card you gave him to access your bank account before he takes it all. I suggest you don't ask for the card as this will alert him to having no money in the future. Just cancel the card.

I also urge you to move back to your family. Don't say you are going, just go. But make sure your furniture etc has been picked up by a removalist first. I know this will be very, very hard but in the long run you will be so much better off. He really will not care about you, only that he has lost his meal ticket and housekeeper. You are worth so much more than this.

If you want to keep your job and accommodation then throw him out and sever all contact. Pipsy's description of the battered wife is real. This is just a short post because I am so very anxious about you.

I suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in SA. This is their web address. http://www.wlssa.org.au/ Their services are free so have a chat to them. They will have talked to dozens of women in your situation and will be able to help. My dear, please stay strong and get this man out of your life before he has totally crippled you, emotionally and psychologically.

Mary

loouuiiee · ‎08-03-2016

Dear feeling_lost,

i am 23 and live in Melbourne.

i was in an extremely similar situation as you a few months ago & my guy did end up leaving.

he completely deserted me leaving me all alone & he also left with quite a lot of my hard earned money and left me with his debt as well.

This was about 3 months ago.

its been hard.

I live on my own, I work full time & support myself financially without any assistance.

i have no family or friends & no emotional support network either.

I suffer from general anxiety disorder & am on medication for this. I am also undergoing testing by my psychologist for Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is hard but I do believe you can go it alone if you have to. I'm struggling but I believe I'm coping to the best of my abilities. I hope I could possibly inspire you to see that you don't need him.

if your relationship improves that would be great, but if not; do not ever feel that you NEED him to survive.

I believe you can get through it just as I belive I can do it.

I'm sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us both. Be strong because I'm sure there is a miracle waiting in the future for you!

I'm here to help you & to chat wherever you need it 🙂