Approx 6mths ago diagnosed with chronic non-melancholic depression with severe PTSD. Recent relapse with work hour reduction by employer.

[Noreen]

Hi,

I've recently relapsed.  Just after my employer reduced my work hours, about 6weeks ago.  I'm a health professional, so the 'I should be able to get myself out of this' hangs over me every day.  I have been in practice for 2 years and struggling to build my client base...every set back feels like it could end me.  I think about quitting and going back to admin.

I know what to do and have started, over the last 2 weeks, getting up at 6am, walking (started to jog) with my partner and dog.   Eat nutritiously, trying to keep to low processed foods, low caffeine (trying to eliminate), low sugar, high vege, protein and fat content foods.  Journalling, I see a psychologist every fortnight, talking mostly about how inept I feel at parenting and trying to build skills.  I really am crap at parenting.  I came from a dysfunctional broken family with lots of trauma, so that is all I have to go off re: skills.  I try hard to right this, but I feel that my mental illness makes it so difficult, as I get really anxious.  I really rarely enjoy it.  So sad and I hope I haven't damaged my kids too much with all the flashbacks and yelling (part of the PTSD)...so much guilt there.  It floors me when it happens.  Like today, we were running late for school because my daughter couldn't find her hairbrush, so I yelled at her, that it's her fault I'll be late for work, told her I wanted to not be her parent anymore, that it's all too hard.  Then I spent the drive to school crying and apologising to her.   Drove back home and called into work sick to lay on the couch for the day.

It sucks.  I hate it and 2 psychologists have not yet been able to help me stop.  Taking 5HTP has helped a little - my idea.  I've run out, thinking, maybe I don't have to take it anymore...will order more now!  See this forum helping already 😉

Had another setback a few months ago when I experienced abdominal pain and ended up with appendectomy...during 2 weeks recovery at home I felt suicidal.

I hope to find support here, as I've got no real friends to turn too...their all to bloody busy with their families and I'm afraid I'll wear my little sister out, as she is the only one, apart from my partner (who doesn't 'get it') who I confide in.  I confided in my best friend when I got my diagnosis, 6mths ago and she walked out on me...12 years of friendship and it was that easy for her to walk away!  Hence why I find it really hard to trust others with my heart.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Noreen,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

You’ve mentioned kids … but didn’t really give an indication of age?   Just would help a little as it would give me some solid fuel for being able to let you know that you ARE a good mum and that your parenting is going well.  For starters, your children are at school and going and you’re even taking them.  Ok, so you had a recent episode with your daughter … but that was not you, that was not their mum.  Not in your wildest dreams would you willingly yell awful things to her.  This was your illness;  no I’m not using that as an excuse, or maybe I am … but without your illness, there’s no way you would have said what you said.

That is what it does, it dominates us, it controls us and it breaks us down.  It just bores away at us till we weaken.

But that was so awesome to read that you do know what to do to help things along, the walking (getting to a jog), eating healthy, dropping out caffeine, journaling … these are all brilliant things.  I really hope that you can keep those going … don’t forget another big thing in conjunction with all that, is water.  Drinking good amounts of water – as becoming dehydrated is also a fast track towards letting depression take a big hold.

Physical setbacks can be very damaging as well, and your operation and the aftermath proved that to be the case … as we’re so vulnerable at those times.  It’s great though how you were able to recognise all of that, and the even better thing is, you made it through that episode … it’s hopefully now behind you and you’ve come through.  I do hope you feel proud, because you sure should be.

Your young sis sounds like an awesome person and support for you.  The other thing is, though we’re on-line support, we are very close, just a click or two of a mouse away, and we’ll be here for you – to give guidance or advice if possible, but above all, we’ll be here to support you for as much and as long as you wish.

I do hope you can get back to us also.

Kind regards

Neil

[Noreen]

Hi Neil, thanks for replying. My kids are primry school aged. Today I cancelled both their birthday celebrations. The eldest was having a sleepover, but she spat at her sister. Ive told her at least once before that spitting is completly unacceptable. Shes devastated and is begging for me to change m mind. It kills me, but the behaviour must not go unpunished and If I go back on my word they will not learn and think Im a pushover.

The youngest was asked to pack up toys and get in the car. She refused indignantly with, "No!" I gave her to the count of three, threatened to leave her there and when that didnt work I cancelled her bday party. Im the meanest mother ever, blah,blah. This one has a major attitude problem and no respect whatsoever.

another big breakdown this evening when my partner asked me to stop telling him ad the kids tht I want to leave when Im angry.

I really do want to leave. Ive hd enough. I have little happiness in my life, only my dog and he cant hug me. My partner tries to understand. He reads some artcles, has attended some past sessions with me.

Im so tired of myself.

[Paul]

Hey Noreen,

Welcome!

Your badge says you love hugs so... Hug! Things are going to be OK. The first thing that strikes me in your reply to Neil1 is healthily disciplining the kids. if the rules have been broken and consequences have been promised (as happens to us all in life) then the consequences come to bear. I wonder if it continues that the kids act up despite the parties cancelled that a reminder of why, very calmly and gently. This will set a tone different to an upset mum tone.

It's understandable that some things would press your buttons having grown up in a traumatic dysfunctional family. It's painful and confusing as an adult to be confronted by a certain behaviour that seems to come from nowhere or seems to just emerge without being able to control it. Grrr Unconscious minds can be such a pain in the rear sometimes. Trying to protect us but sometimes getting in the way.

"I should be able to get myself out of this" As you would know, the best counsellor, psychologist, mental health worker or psychiatrist is absolutely awesome at helping others. More often than not are unsuccessful at pulling themselves out of this. Two reasons I see. One is that when you are so close to something you can't see it. A physical phenomenon and a psychological phenomenon as well. This is why professionals don't treat their own families or themselves. The second is that no one magically emerges out of this without some help from multiple sources.

Diet, exercise, journalling, 5htp and a psychologist. Multiple approaches - so awesome. I got the feeling you are disappointed with your psychs as there has been no one able to help it stop and the current one seems to only talk about how you feel about parenting.

Could the talk about parenting now be a mirror to how you felt when you were parented then?

Another overwhelming feeling I get from your post is wanting to make it all stop, for a switch to go "click" and be well again. Noreen, please be kind to yourself. It's a process. Each positive step is worthy of your own love. Each setback is part of the road to being well. Feeling like you want to run away is a natural part of you trying to protect you from being hurt. You won't be hurt, they are just thoughts and feelings, allowing some of them in just far enough to see and name them might help.

Finally. If you snap at the kids, perhaps explaining you're unwell might help as seem big enough to understand that and you love them with all your heart.

Paul

[geoff]

dear Norren, I can see from your avatar that you love to hug, and what this means to me is that you feel so alone and segregated and that's what depression does to us, no one can understand what we are going through, nor can they understand what this illness will do to us.
There is much that I want to talk to you about, because I feel that I have had similar circumstances, so can I ask you to forgive me as I'm an early riser and start very early, but I want to respond to you, so please have that faith that I also care about you, just as Neil has responded and you have replied back to him, and that's good, but I will be there for you in the morning. Geoff. x
 

[pipsy]

Hi Noreen a.k.a  I love hugs.  Coming from such a dysfunctional family, handing out discipline becomes more difficult.  I'm reading from your posts that you do love your kids and partner.  I get the impression you want to run away, not so much from your family, but from the problems you're experiencing,   Quite a normal reaction when you feel that everything you're trying to do keeps getting a negative reaction.  Disciplining kids can be exhausting when, no matter how you discipline them, all you're getting is more defiance.  Kids, unfortunately seem to know what buttons to push and how hard to push them.  They always seem to push them when we're at our most vulnerable too.  You told the eldest because she spat at her sister, her expected sleepover was 'off'.  Then the youngest one 'pushed the boat out' and was told your b'day party is cancelled.  You're right, kids need to know when their behaviour is unacceptable.  Your depression, coupled with constantly asking yourself if your disciplining measures are right because of uncertainty from childhood, puts you in a very difficult position.  Trying to explain to the kids you're not well and need help might get some understanding.  Kids, unfortunately, tend to be rather selfish, they don't always understand mum's get tired too.  I would maybe try putting them in the 'you get tired and want to be left alone' framework, then tell them mum's get the same way too.  Tell them while you love them, like them you need to be left alone sometimes like they do.  Tell them how when they get sick, they don't always need to have you around, sometimes they just want to sleep.  You sometimes just want to rest and sleep too.  Explain your way of resting and time out is to jog.  Give them a hug, you like hugs, tell them you love them and leave them to think about what you have said.  Over time, things will get better, but it's not overnight, unfortunately.

Hope I've helped.  Hugz too.

[geoff]

dear Noreen, had trouble logging on this morning that's why my reply is delayed.
It doesn't matter how qualified you or anybody is, because this won't stop you from having depression, you can't prevent it and nor can you avoid it.
Whether you want to call it being upbeat, tired, anxious, under too much pressure or just too difficult could be the path for depression and it will make you say comments that you really don't mean, but however you do.
I was exactly the same because when our family wanted to go somewhere, ( under great sufference by me ), it wasn't just the 4 of us, wife and 2 sons it was also another couple of kids that always tagged along, and I too said awful things to the kids to be quite, I did regret it but all I wanted was peace and quite and to be alone, but this never happened as the extra kids stayed with us over many nights and especially on school days.
I often wonder whether being depressed can bring on other illness's as it seems to be the way from many other posts, I suppose our metabolism has become weak so anything that is susceptible in our system could then break down, which sounds to be true, so in other words that's why you needed an appendectomy.
I would believe that it could bring on any cancer that you thought had gone or whether it has made it appear.
Friendships never last when you have depression, it doesn't matter how long you have known them, because these people simply can't handle talking to someone with this illness, which is a great shame, because they were people we all used to talk about other situations all except for depression.
People with depression come to this site maybe as a last resort, that's OK, but they should know that all of us have had this illness, or still struggling with it or or have continual relapses, so you have plenty of friends here and your cicumstances may change which will need you to contact us again, so I hope that you will be able to reply back as depression can be a long drawn out illness, but talking to people who have experienced it is always the best option. Geoff. x