Fed up with being abused and threatened by my 16 year old son

justnotsure · ‎13-03-2016

I am fed up and have had enough. My teenage son who is addicted to marijuana abuses me, threatens me and is so disrespectful everyday. It isn't just me he doesn't care who he does it to but I am the one that cops it the most. We have holes in almost every wall in our house from him, he has wrecked so much of our stuff, damaged our sheds and fences the list just goes on and on. Today he got so close to my face in a heated moment that his fringe was touching my forehead. He came so close to hitting me twice today. He sold my daughters tv today to buy his fix. I got the police out and again like every other time nothing happens. My marriage is suffering because of his behaviour, my eldest child has moved out because she no longer felt safe. We no longer feel safe. I have tried all sorts of counselling but he won't attend anything. He doesn't go to school, he doesn't work. I have got no idea what to do next as I am about to burst. We need serious urgent help but I have no idea. Would love him to go to one of those boot camps where they get there anger out and then chat it out and figure out what is wrong but again where do you start. Thepolice told me to kick him out. Where would he go? To be honest I don't care. I have lost all my motherly feelings for him he has just dragged me so far down that I don't care anymore..next time it happens which won't be far away he will hit me then the police will do something. Any suggestions. Thank you

white knight · ‎13-03-2016

Hi justnotsure, welcome

This one is different, in that most posts are more directly related to mental illness. Nevertheless, we welcome you and your post. I am not sure if I can help but???

Let me tell you, at 21yo I was a prison officer at Pentridge jail. It was 1977-80. We had a boys section aged between 15 and 18yo. As a mentor type officer I was unusual in that I tried to guide them, change them or alter their mind set of a life in the criminal system. I wanted to make sure they didn't return to jail, I wanted to leave my mark on their minds as a deterrent. It didn't work. The other officers were right, I was wasting my time. Sad isn't it? Since then my attitude has gone from "saving the world" to being more realistic.

Endeavor is never lost and as was my endeavor then such is your now. You have gone to the end of your tether and you still cant let him go....I understand. But what can you do?.

I think, once your life is in a position of survival in terms of personal safety, you have to let him go emotionally and tell him to leave. For kicking him out of your home was not your decision, it was his by his behaviour and abuse of you and the rest of your family, not to mention the damage done. Still it will be hard.

My only other suggestion is moving house to a small country town whereby drugs are less readily available and he might not follow. Just a thought.

There is really only one answer...you need to wait until that miracle comes when he makes change himself. Until then save yourself, be determined, don't look at photo albums of him when younger, what he used to be and keep your head up high. And restore your life.

Let him go, move him out. Hope you are ok. We are here.

Tony WK

blondguy · ‎13-03-2016

Hi Justnotsure

Welcome to the BB Forums

I do empathize with your situation Just....Paul here and I will try to help..

I have had some boarders in my home and the ones on dope always used to take me for a ride....and I have never recovered any property/funds back. I also have a close relation that is going through exactly what you are now.

If I may quote a few words that you have posted above;

"He sold my daughters tv today to buy his fix" ...."My marriage is suffering because of his behavior" ...The list goes on and on....and when you mentioned "We no longer feel safe" is the sad & scary reality here. I

You have tried councelling and he is is refusing. You are a great mother especially by allowing him to stay so long..but he has crossed so many lines I have lost count. As a loving dad...he would have the 3 strikes warning and he is out!

I have a gut feeling that may not work here tho.. There is an excellent rehab facility where the carers come to you and gently walk your son to a vehicle and take him to rehab. I can do some research and find the name of the camp that offers this service/help to your son if you wish...I have seen the results and they would help

If my teenager was doing this I would try the rehab/recovery facility if I could afford it...and unfortunately if I couldnt afford that rehab team to come over and 'gently take him' I would let him know he has to leave with or without help from the police......subject to him showing a demonstrated & solid effort in helping himself.

Your family's health is paramount here Just....You cannot sustain this belligerent/toxic environment. Your son is still there...you are trying to reason with the addiction right now..not your son

If you wish we can research the rehab/recovery boot camp for you...or for a faster response please call this number....1300 22 4636...its 24/7 and you will get a quicker response/solution....and they are great people too

Here if you need us justnotsure

Please let me know how you go....if you wish of course

Paul

justnotsure · ‎13-03-2016

Thanks for replying. We have been putting up with his awful behaviour since he was 6. He ofcourse wasn't always this bad. The rough stuff has only been for the past 3 years. I have kicked him out but he has returned once he has a bong then the sorld is fine. He is on the cusp of going to juvie for assault on another person and he thinks that is going to be a holiday. Next part of court is in 2 weeks and maybe his holiday will start. We can't move away for other family reasons we have thought of this but you can source this stuff everywhere.

justnotsure · ‎13-03-2016

Thanks for your reply blondguy. The police are no help at the moment unless he actually hits one of us. I would love the rehab info please I too will also look. I can't do anything until after his court date. I am hoping I don't have this situation every few days when he runs out of stuff. Thank you for your advice.

pipsy · ‎13-03-2016

Dear justnotsure. My heart absolutely goes out to you. Tony is right when he says the prison system isn't working. Unfortunately juvie might not be the answer either. It seems to me the only course open now is what's called 'tough love'. You are in constant danger, your family is too. Kicking him out and changing locks on doors so he can't re-enter is another option. My ex was an prison officer here in Qld for 25 years, when he was starting, he 'moonlighted' in a boys home (juvenile detention centre). Apparently the boys are not supervised well, shortage of staff, plus the officers are not allowed to use severe disciplinary action. Most of the boys were 'living' for the day when they would go to the 'big house', prison. Boystown could be another option. There is no reason why you can't explore options now. Once you go to court, if you can talk to the judge (through your legal representative) explain that you're exploring options, the judge will listen. Your son needs detox too to get off drugs. Rehab might actually be your best bet. I would ask (again through your legal rep) if your son could be ordered to enter rehab. As Paul says, if he is ordered, the police will pick him up. Seeing him taken away will hurt, but the hurt you're getting now is totally unacceptable.

Best of luck, BB is 100% here whenever you need help, or someone to listen. We also have trained counsellors ready to guide you, should you require further assistance.

justnotsure · ‎13-03-2016

Thanks for replying Pipsy. We have changed all locks before and it hasn't changed anything. Juvie won't be up to me. I have a letter prepared for the judge asking if she can mandate some sort of program. We don't have a legal rep. I refuse to pay my hard earned money on any more lawyers for him. He constantly does the crime he can have the punishment.

pipsy · ‎13-03-2016

Hi justnotsure. I can hear the frustration/resignation in your voice. You've come to the end of your tether with him. With changing the locks, all I meant was if he breaks into your house for money/drugs, you then charge him. He would be arrested for breaking/entering. I know how hard that is, he is still your son, but, for your sake, enough is enough. Unfortunately, because he is still quite young, as you say, till he assaults one of you, the cops can't touch him. One other avenue for you to consider, when you go to court, the judge reads the letter. I would ask the court to accept your refusal to let him come home. If the court sets bail and accepts 'no flight risk', they could agree to him being returned to your custody. If you refuse to accept custody (this is your right), the judge then has to incarcerate him because otherwise he has 'no fixed abode'. Because he is on an assault charge, he may have to re-appear at a later date, pending psychiatric evaluation. He has to have somewhere to live till he re-appears. I take it, this is not his first time in court. Tell the judge in your letter, you fear for your safety, your home life is in jeopardy. Is he violent when high, or until he gets high? Tell the judge whatever the case may be, does he have an alcohol problem as well. Tell the judge if he does. Unfortunately, you will have to 'wash your dirty linen in public'. I feel so sorry for the situation you're in, he's basically still classed as a minor because he's underage in the eyes of the law. Are you going to court with him, if not, take the letter and give it to the clerk of the court. Make sure the clerk understands the severity of the situation. If you are going to court, I sincerely hope you get the help your family needs. Too many kids slip through the cracks. Hopefully, this time, your son won't. Ask the judge about 'boot camp, rehab'.

All the best.

justnotsure · ‎13-03-2016

Hi Pipsy,

We changed the locks and he kicked the back door in gained entry police were called nothing happened apparently he was locked out and couldn't get into his home. Devi truly it the first time at court probably about the 15th to be honest and the same judge every time. And she remembers him everytime. She knows our story but I will be giving her an updated letter on what's happened this weekend. Bootcamp there is someone on here looking into that for me hopefully and I have looked at several unfortunately it would be getting him to go as he doesn't think he has a problem. I have asked in my letter if there is anything she can mandate for him to go to.

He is violent and abusive etc when he doesn't have any stuff, he is fine moody but not the other stuff when he has it.