I've had enough.

Ailsa · ‎02-10-2013

I have had enough of trying to deal with my thoughts and feelings every second of every day. My past haunts me and no matter how I try to cope with it, it never gets easier. After 16 years of the most horrific abuse and torture, and 22 years of trying to cope with it and live a 'normal' life, I've had enough. I self harm extensively and I often think about going that one step further, it would be so easy..........I've had enough! I go to counselling, have done on and off for 10 years and I am in touch with my GP, nothing helps. All of my memories are in my head all the time.........I've had enough.........I don't know what to do now.

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎02-10-2013

That would be pretty bad. I dread the possibility of always thinking about every bad memory. You've reminded me of Jill Price; "The Woman Who Can't Forget". Maybe you'd be interested to learn about her.

Have you tried some kind of support group with a buddy system for the self-harming? Just seems like it'd be handy to have something/one to call upon right in the moment of temptation (probably outside a counsellor or GP's scheduled hours).

amamas · ‎02-10-2013

Hey Ailsa

It really really sux big time doesn't it!! I totally get you. I don't know if you've read my post when I broke, after that I was pretty much dead myself and then I went to live in hell. I don't think I've posted about this yet. But it might help you feel a bit understood if I share so I'll try.

I tried to get help and the people I went to made me worse. Then I met this woman who seemed so alive, spiritual, wise and seemed to have the answers I was so desperately seeking. For me at the time I believed she knew how to help me get better.

So I lived with her. Not in a relationship I as the student wanting to be healed her as the teacher supposedly helping me. It became hell. Only thing is I was so screwed up I didn't know I believed she was helping me. I don't know if you know anything about cults? But that's what my life was like for years. Abuse of every type constantly all day (24hour days because she hardly slept). I'm almost crying just writing this little bit about it.

I told you that because I want you to know that even though I don't know what it's like to be you, I do know how it feels to have your pain running around constantly in your head. Like all you are is pain. Like you I self harm. I do it because when I'm really bad it feels like relief.

I also want you to know that I'm not sharing from look at me I came through this and I'm well place (I wish!!!) I'm well in the thick of it! Mentally deranged - a term Geoff used and I love it!

I'm hoping maybe we can share ideas that sometimes occasionally help.

So something my psych taught me is that our trauma is stored in our body. Part of healing is getting those damn horrible experiences out. She taught me TRE. Have you heard of it? It stands for trauma releasing exercises. It's really good. I can't do it that often yet but I do find if I do it occasionally it really does help. If you're interested I can tell you more about it.

Another one that's quite good is EFT. Can't remember what it stands for but again I find it does help sometimes.

Just a question have you been diagnosed with PTSD? or something else? I have PTSD that's why I'm asking because a little of what you said sounds similar.

Take care Ailsa, I look forward to your ideas

cheers amamas

Chris_B · ‎02-10-2013

Hi Ailsa, with the extensive trauma you've been through, it's no wonder that you're getting horrible flashbacks all the time.

You mention going to counselling "on and off" and being "in touch" with your GP; it sounds like you need some more hands-on and regular treatment to help you start to manage your way through this.

This leaflet from the Australian Centre for Posttraumatic Mental Health may help put things in perspective for you: http://www.nhmrc.gov.au/_files_nhmrc/publications/attachments/mh14.pdf

There are also some helpful links and phone numbers in there for other organisations that can help too.

If you feel you are going to self harm again, try looking at some distraction techniques: http://sirius-project.org/2011/08/16/distractions-and-alternatives-to-self-harm/ - these can give you the 'release' you need without putting your safety at risk.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

best
CB

_________________________________________________________________
Online Community Manager

Ailsa · ‎03-10-2013

Thank you all for your responses, it helps to know that I am certainly not alone in my struggles. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who has ever felt like this. I had decided to lock my thoughts and feelings away again and continue to struggle alone until I fall into the black abyss. I received a call from my local mental health triage nurse (thanks to my original post) and my husband picked up the voicemail, it's made our relationship so much worse (it's a long story), and so much more stressful for me. My Dr has diagnosed me with PTSD and I see a counsellor from CASA (abuse counsellor).

So, it's difficult for me to disclose (I guess it's like that for everyone), but I have to get it out of my head, it's killing me. I need to get all of this out of my head before I explode.

Here goes! I was abused from the age of 11 by my mums boyfriend, within a couple of months he had progressed from just him to him and his friends while mum worked the weekend home stay (in a children's home! ). I guess it was no surprise when I found myself pregnant at 12, I told him, he coached me on how to hide a pregnancy and I faded into the background. No one noticed I was pregnant or so completely lost. I gave birth to a girl and she was taken away and I faded into the background once again. I turned 13 and he decided that I should be making money for him, so he took me to the city and sold me. Hmmmm, no surprises again when I was pregnant at 14 and then at 15! I hid those pregnancies, just like the first, I hid them well and not one person in my life noticed (hard to believe, I know! It haunts me that I was failed by so many people). Each time, my life went back to 'normal' within a month or so. How did I cope? I self-harmed.....lots and blamed it on bullying at school. This abuse cycle continued on and off (when I was in the area) until I left the country when I was 27 (I'm from Scotland and I left for NZ in 2007). finally I was free, from the physical harm at least. I will never be free from the mental damage that was done. The last straw for me was finding out when I lived in NZ that my daughter had committed suicide when she was 16, leaving her 2 year old son behind.......I crumbled and made a very serious attempt at taking my life......I failed! Eventually I found a way out of my darkness in NZ and got my life together, I had my beautiful son and then we went through the earthquakes (we lived in Christchurch, lucky me!) 2 years of earthquake trauma and another beautiful child (my daughter) later we left to come to Australia. I lost my support network when I left Chch and I thought I'd be ok, I'm not and I had not allowed myself to admit that until recently.....I've fallen apart again and I can't see how it will ever get better.

I'm not actively thinking about suicide at this point!

Vegetarian Marshmallow · ‎05-10-2013

Just as far as no-one noticing what was going on with you, I wouldn't be completely sure about that. Sometimes, people have suspicions about these things but they don't bring them up with you because they figure you're not ready to talk about it.

This girl I know has pretended to be pregnant a couple of times, in order to get attention, and then pretended to miscarry ("fell down the stairs") or something in order to explain the lack of baby. I think all her friends knew, but a person might not want to bring something like that up with someone, since they're a friend and you don't want to embarrass them.

This other girl was with a guy who talked shit about how unimportant she was, behind her back ("Yeah she's just a slut"), but she is very easily hurt and "clingy" so it's very hard to tell her "This guy doesn't give a shit about you, I think you should leave him", especially when you know that she won't leave him because she needs him there to feel like she's cared about. I'm sure this is a pretty common story. Sometimes all you can do is be ready to pick up the pieces when it ends.

Lots of gay friends' "coming out" stories have been like this:
"I'm.... gay"
"We know. We were just waiting for you to be ready to tell us."

So if you feel like you want to tell someone, just take that sort of thing into account. Maybe you feel like you don't need to tell anyone, and that's fine, too. But just know it might not be as massive a surprise as you think it will be.

--Mark-- · ‎10-06-2014

I hope things have gotten a bit better for you Alisa, and that you're still here.

I have been battling my demons for 39 years now, and though I can't say you'll ever "get over them", there are moments in life where you'll forget about them for a while. As an educator, I've helped young people keep moving through life, whilst constantly neglecting my own head space. You need to talk with peeps about how you're feeling, what's going on inside that noggin' of yours. Trust me, not talking about it puts you in a dark space where you may not be able to return from, I know, because I'm there again, never dealt with my childhood traumas, and adult situation has me at the abyss again. Ask yourself the question - What will you do or achieve tomorrow? If not for yourself, but for someone else? You have the power to impact on anyone's life in some small way - and that is something we should all strive for, improving this world that we live in, in whatever way we can...

Stollie · ‎21-03-2016

Yeah i know how you feel, life seems to be just too hard. No matter how hard I work it's not enough. No one wants me around. Except for my boyfriend which is also suffering from depression and his docs.and family don't want me around him. Which is killing both of us. To top things off I'm now homeless and don't see anything getting better.