Trouble feeling happy

[Goal2content]

Hi, I’ve been having trouble feeling happy. I seem to go through very short hopeful periods and then fall in a depressive slump. My trauma started nearly 8 years ago when my son was born premature. I then lost a baby boy at 17 weeks gestation, my first son had 3 neurosurgeries for his brain cyst and shunt inserted at 19 months. My Mil got cancer during this time (who I WAS close to). After my 3rd earthside child was born I felt content. Although my first son was showing some autistic symptoms with seriously long and frequent meltdowns. Then my Mil became controlling and manipulative asking me if I was having se& with her son, that I needed to sell all my investments and put it onto her son’s mortgage, that my son was definitely not autistic, just a spoilt brat! The list goes on for 18months she hounded when no one was around, except the kids. She told my oldest who was 4-5 years old nasty things about me and he became an anxious mess, which why I found out. She told me to make a decision to leave her son or not. She even said nasty things to my Mum about my parenting. Well, my partner didn’t believe his perfect Mum would say these things so I had no one to back me up. I felt suicidal, worthless, no confidence to even get my son assessed for Autism because my mil made me feel like I was paranoid. I called Respect hotline and they told me to be careful because she will escalate. Anyway, I left my partner over 2 years ago. My son was diagnosed with Autism in 2020. I’ve never doubted leaving but I’m so sick of everything being a struggle. My Autistic son won’t go to school more than 2-3 days a week. I’ve tried everything with support from the school as well. I guess I just feel like I’m always treading water and never getting anywhere and it’s tough sitting back watching friends get pools in and get their house extensions done when I’ll probably never be able to afford to do my extension. Feeling so numb and hopeless and really can’t pull myself up anymore. I know this is probably pathetic but I feel like it’s always me missing out while things just flow for my friends. And I’m 43 so I’ve had a bit of life experience to know that this is often happens to me even when I had the right mindset and took opportunities. Thanks if you got this far!

[Sophie_M]

Dear Goal2content

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.

We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time recently, but we’re so pleased you have reached out to the supportive community. Sometimes life can feel like we are taking on too much, or that we are not getting any reprieve from the never-ending demands of daily life. It is in moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen to these troubles and discuss any options or assistance that may be appropriate.

We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hi Goal2content, warm welcome to the forums. 

What a wonderful set of achievements you've had. I'm very proud of you lol. Feels strange saying that because I don't know you but leaving an abusive marriage and still be standing is something. 

You're more than standing. 

I hear you about the difficulties you face every day. 
I hear you about feeling like you're always treading water. 

It is difficult watching friends do far more progressive things to their homes. Seemingly with their lives. These comparisons we may make can really hurt us. 
I don't believe our friends INTEND to hurt us by living their lives... 

You describe so many potentially traumatic events. The long term abuse of your ex mil notwithstanding. 
I'm still having Counselling sessions after an abusive marriage and a set of crazy in-laws.
Having this confidential outlet with my Counsellor has been such a Blessing to me in my life and has had positive impacts on all of my children. 
I've had her for the past 7y or so. 

I'm not sure if you're open to having Counselling? 

I hope you can find threads in the BB forums that help put a smile on your face, even some laughter at times. 
We have some really nice topics, not just the tough stuff. 

It's nice to meet you, 
EM

[Goal2content]

Thank you for the welcome. 

[Goal2content]

Thank you. I have seen a couple of Psychologists over the years but for no more than 2 sessions at a time. The Psychologist would ask me if I could come without the kids even though they were behaved. Obviously it’s easier without the kids though. I didn’t have anyone to look after the kids and my kids needs took over. I had a couple of zoom sessions this year but I just found I was told to practice self care, which I do as often as I can. Maybe a counsellor might be more beneficial. I don’t sleep well due to shift work and kids so poor quality sleep contributes to my feelings a lot. Thanks

[Goal2content]

I also meant to say I’m really sorry you had to endure an abusive marriage and horrible in laws. It’s a lot to heal from and takes a strong person to leave that situation. The day I left is still a blur. 

[ecomama]

Dear Goal2content, 

I meant to say also that I'm so sincerely sorry for all the losses you've endured. The premature birth of your first baby, welcome to motherhood right? My first birthing was also traumatic. 
Then losing a baby! Omg, I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. 

The the stresses of being criticised about your son and you were right! Grrrrr. SNAP had this ongoing also - had as in past tense lol. Well let's face it, they're probably going 10 to the dozen about me still but I DON'T CARE. 
I got the children 100%, so none of us care what they say. 

We have SO MUCH in common. I also had premature multiples. If I didn't have PTSD after the first birth, I was guaranteed it after those years. 

I haven't found Psychs as helpful in my situation tbh. I did have exposure therapy and saw her for 3 useful sessions then 2 ughh ones then left. 

Maybe the Women's Health Centre nearby has more options for you? 
They're pretty amazing. I think the Childcare was $2 per hour when I used it. 
I didn't like the Counselling there but the Course they offered in a Group setting was amazing and really helped change my life. 

I'll be back. 
I'm glad you're safe. 

Hugs
EM

[Bob_22]

Hi Goal2Content,

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. You are very brave and as ecomama mentioned, huge props to you for recognising you were in toxic relationship and having the strength to leave. That is an amazing accomplishment in itself and much more significant than a pool or house extension imho. 😊

I'm so sorry that you've been feeling numb and hopeless lately. You've been through and are going through a lot and I feel overwhelmed just by reading it all myself! It sounds like you've done all the right things and made the right steps so far which again, is a huge merit to your resilience. Unfortunately I don't have much knowledge on trauma or parenting but my only suggestion might be contacting Carers Australia to see if they have any resources or even support groups in your area. Their website is www.carersaustralia.com.au/ and there is also carer gateway whose website is https://www.carergateway.gov.au/about . I believe carer gateway offers counselling and online peer support groups if that's something that interests you. Sorry I don't have much else to offer in the way of support. Thanks again for posting and sharing your bravery/resilience.

Keep us updated 💙

Bob

[Goal2content]

Thank you for your support and information. I’ll look into Women’s Health and Carers Australia. Thanks again. 

[ecomama]

How are you doing today? 

EMxx