Trouble feeling happy

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Hi, I’ve been having trouble feeling happy. I seem to go through very short hopeful periods and then fall in a depressive slump. My trauma started nearly 8 years ago when my son was born premature. I then lost a baby boy at 17 weeks gestation, my first son had 3 neurosurgeries for his brain cyst and shunt inserted at 19 months. My Mil got cancer during this time (who I WAS close to). After my 3rd earthside child was born I felt content. Although my first son was showing some autistic symptoms with seriously long and frequent meltdowns. Then my Mil became controlling and manipulative asking me if I was having se& with her son, that I needed to sell all my investments and put it onto her son’s mortgage, that my son was definitely not autistic, just a spoilt brat! The list goes on for 18months she hounded when no one was around, except the kids. She told my oldest who was 4-5 years old nasty things about me and he became an anxious mess, which why I found out. She told me to make a decision to leave her son or not. She even said nasty things to my Mum about my parenting. Well, my partner didn’t believe his perfect Mum would say these things so I had no one to back me up. I felt suicidal, worthless, no confidence to even get my son assessed for Autism because my mil made me feel like I was paranoid. I called Respect hotline and they told me to be careful because she will escalate. Anyway, I left my partner over 2 years ago. My son was diagnosed with Autism in 2020. I’ve never doubted leaving but I’m so sick of everything being a struggle. My Autistic son won’t go to school more than 2-3 days a week. I’ve tried everything with support from the school as well. I guess I just feel like I’m always treading water and never getting anywhere and it’s tough sitting back watching friends get pools in and get their house extensions done when I’ll probably never be able to afford to do my extension. Feeling so numb and hopeless and really can’t pull myself up anymore. I know this is probably pathetic but I feel like it’s always me missing out while things just flow for my friends. And I’m 43 so I’ve had a bit of life experience to know that this is often happens to me even when I had the right mindset and took opportunities. Thanks if you got this far!

[Goal2content]

Thanks for checking on me. I had a good day today, as my oldest happily went in to school today so I got to do my favourite thing. A walk on the beach listening to a podcast! Fingers crossed he goes tomorrow so I can work! How are you going?