Fear of returning to state where bad memories/people still remain

[TimTams]

Is it normal to fear returning to an entire state (Queensland) due to bad events having happened in that state/location? I know it is probably not logical when factoring the population of a whole state. But just being near the places brings back really bad memories. I am also worrying that it does increase the chances that I will run into the person who harmed me in the past in Qld. I have to go back to the state because I have immediate family there. But I do not feel like it is a safe location anymore.   

Never returning to Queensland again does not seem like an option for me anymore, otherwise, I would never see some of my own family again. But I feel very sick at knowing bad people live there and I will be in the same location as them. Am I being irrational? Is it wrong to be worried/concerned?  

[Sophie_M]

Dear TimTams

We understand that you are considering returning to a place where you were traumatized in the past. Because of your past trauma, you have real fear and anxiety around going back, but as you have family there, you have a strong desire to return.

Without intending to minimise your past trauma experience in any way, we suggest you may wish to ask yourself how much will the past trauma control you now? We wonder if you might be able to work with a mental health specialist to build internal protections so you may be able to lessen the chance of being in a state of mind where you might be harmed by the bad people now. So, we would like to encourage you to talk about this with your mental health support team, or if you don't have any, your GP so you can set up a current mental health plan.

You are always free to call Beyond Blue Support service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 11 14, to talk with one of the mental health professionals about helping you to calm, and helping to find local specialists in your area.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[ecomama]

Hi TimTams, it's a rational thought, not irrational at all imo. I have PTSD also, I get it. 

At one point during the midst of traumatic events, I only felt safe OUT of this country. I was in the U.S. and the feeling was alien to me. Took me ages to realise it was "safety". 

We love in the same area, in the same home these events took place in. 

I worked with a Psych for a few sessions to learn how to do Exposure Therapy on my own. 
I journaled my progress and noted my slip backs. I worked on this.

We all had specific Safety Plans my Counsellor helped us work out for each child and myself. 
Having sturdy torches in places like my car, front and back doors. 

Over time, these things helped alot. 

Weighing up "never seeing your family" or needing to deal with the areas one at a time "head on" ie exposure therapy... family is winning. 
Listing the positives and DOING these things that bring you happiness is part of getting a better balance. 

It's a thing to go through but you can do this. 

Love EM

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear TimTams,

No, I don’t think your thoughts are being irrational at all…I have PTSD and do have similar fears when I go to Sydney to visit my sons…my youngest sons home especially triggers me, and it’s very hard for me to visit him and his family…..

My abuser, my late husband (passed) sold him our family home, before we moved to central west NSW…I try to focus on every minute I’m their, into the here and now..It hard because just about every room,  every, part of that house hold very traumatic memories for me….as well as the area itself….

I am so very sorry that someone hurt you…and you had to leave the state your immediate family is living in….out of fear of this horrible person….

I try hard now….not let my abuser keep control of my life anymore…I don’t want him to win…even though he has passed, he left me with PTSD, depression and anxiety….Unfortunately I found my PTSD is with me to stay, and now I try hard to control it, more then it controls me…

TimTam, Your family loves you…and won’t let anyone hurt you, I do hope that you can eventually visit your family…I think the first time back will be very hard for you, if possible stay with a trusted family member when you are their, until you feel a little safer….Your beautiful family that it sounds like you are missing, has a lot of love and care for you…feel that love and the safe feeling it bring you….Love and being with your family can be a very strong emotion…It more then likely won’t stop any triggers, but it can help you feel safe…loved and cared for…Please TimTam, don’t let that horrid person take away from you  your beautiful family and friends anymore….Don’t let them keep control of your life anymore…Don’t let them win….You are a survivor, lovely TimTam….and you so much deserve a life that you can share with your family and friends….

We are all here dear TimTam, to help support you through this…

My kindest thoughts, with my care TimTam..

Grandy..

[jaz28]

Hi TimTams,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. The thing about trauma is even going back to the location where it happened can be triggering. I have some medical PTSD and when I go back to the hospital where it all happened, I get similar feelings. I do not think it is irrational, seeing locations and objects where something happened to you is enough to make you remember it and feel as if you were back in the middle of it.

However, even though going to the hospital takes a lot out of me mentally, I still go, because I have important appointments and doctors who care about me, that saved my life in the hospital where it all happened. So you must do the same, weigh up your family with your fears, and try to face it. I know it is easier said than done, but that is my two cents.

It might also be worth seeing a mental health professional about these feelings, as it COULD be indicative of some form of PTSD, but only a professional can tell you this and help you overcome it.

I hope you work it out,

Jaz xx

[TimTams]

Thank you Sophie for your post. I was going to write thank you for your 'logical' post but I couldn't for my mind went straight back to when I was being yelled at by a terrible monster because "I was not logical". I even avoid words that I associate with those memories. There are few things like that, that I still struggle with, 5 years later. It's like things that I have pushed deep down that slowly come up over time. I feel like from society's point of view that I should be 100% healed or 'over it' by now. But those little things just keep popping up slowly over stretches of time. I would classify myself as stable now but then I trip on something small like remembering that the word not 'logical' was used to describe why I deserved to be physically and mentally hurt. I would like to be able to reply to posts or go about daily life, and not avoid having to use for example the word 'logical' because I associate it with bad people using it. There are still lots of little things like that that I struggle with. And whilst I am stable, I would like to be able to go about my daily life without these kinds of things popping up. But it does seem to be getting worse now I am returning to the location where the bad family still lives. Part of me thinks I am being very rational to be afraid, as that is where the abusive persons live, so there must be a greater chance I am putting myself in danger. But I think I am being irrational in the sense that there are thousands of other people who live in Queensland and I am not going to the same suburb. I would like some professional help with all of this but I am more hoping to find something I can do on my own to help myself. Any advice from others is really appreciated about what has worked for them in similar situations.

[TimTams]

Hello ecomama. I do feel stable now, stable enough to be able to go back to Queensland, but I still do not feel safe. Maybe what you are talking about i.e. exposure therapy will genuinely help me. I will be facing all my fears just stepping into the state. Even the thought of seeing the 'welcome to Queensland' sign makes me feel terrified, that is how much of a fear it has become in my head. I am hoping it will become less intense when I am able to this time make positive, safe memories in Queensland. It annoys me that I am so sensitive that something as small as a sign or state line makes me feel worried and nervous. I have become scared of a whole state!!!! I am hoping that seeing family will make me a stronger person, and that I will be able to tolerate being in Queensland. So much of me does not want to go back to the state ever again. I associate it with bad memories and bad people. The thought of potentially seeing the bad family in any part of the state where they hurt me, is highly alarming. 

[TimTams]

Thank you for the support. I definitely will stay in the company of family members at all times. Thank you everyone for the help. I do feel much better and more supported now, this has helped a lot.

[TimTams]

Thanks Jaz for sharing your case. That's exactly how I feel reading your hospital scenario, it is very mentally confusing wanting to avoid a place forever but having to go back there. Incredibly conflicting. Reading tips I do think I will be able to lessen the bad thoughts and go and enjoy myself. Again I really appreciate everyone's input. This is a huge step for me and the advice I have found to be very useful for my mental health.