*Trigger warning - Domestic Violence* Separating from husband but scared

[Shil]

I don’t know where to start my life with. I am married to this man for 6 years and we have a healthy and wonderful 3 year old son. But my husband had always been very controlling he only wants things to happen in his way and he says he loves his family but when there is an argument he says very bad things that a women can’t take. But Later when I ask he says that just to make me feel bad and make my mouth shut he spoke those words but do not mean it. How am I supposed to take those?
he do not respect elders he doesn’t have much friends either. If he have any issues with any fiends he will not allow me to talk to them. He controls me of my clothing. He did not treat my family well. Still I loved him thinking that he will change. Still I think that he needs help. I myself know how much I cried for his behaviour. He got anger issues and he can’t control his mouth during anger. He says anything which comes out of his mouth during that time. He sees everything in a negative way sometimes I feel there is no positive ambience around him. He tries to control me by raising his voice or punching the door. All he did these in front of my son. But my son loves him so much and he loves our son too. That is the only thing which is making me think that I need to stay. Last year when we were arguing he hit the plate I am eating and it actually cut my chin. I still forgave him. I took intervention order but when he apologised that he didn’t treat me well and that he would take counseling sessions and he cried so much. I believed him and came back to him. He only took couple of sessions and he stopped. He behaved well for 2 months and later I can see that he has not changed much but thinks that I put him in that position. How am I supposed to tell this person that it is not working. I am broken, but I still tried for my son. I told him few times that we will separate but he wouldn’t listen and say things like I am only trying to separate from him.
now I took a decision to not tell him instead go out renting a place with my son. I got a house approved and paid bond. But the feeling of pitiness on him and thinking how much my son loved him making me sick. I am mentally stressed at the moment. I have a full time job but still something in my heart is troubling me if I am doing the right thing. The feeling of separating a son and a father is killing me inside.
I hope some thoughts would help me understand if I am taking a right path.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Shil,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community.

We're so sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like things must be really overwhelming. We understand this is such a difficult time for you, and we think you are so brave for reaching out here. We also want to let you know that we have reached out privately to offer support as well.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

You may also find this forum helpful which has some great support from other users https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/... 

Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Shil,

A very warm welcome to our forums....

We are deeply sorry your struggling so much with your husband and thoughts...Our lovely Sophie has given you some great resources and contacts....

Shil, honey.I stayed with my narcissistic husband for 38 years because I was so afraid to move...He was very cruel and abusive to me...I have 2 sons that we raised together...and my biggest mistake that I find it hard to forgive myself for is my lack of courage, which put my 2 sons through a very troubled, abusive childhood....You see once they got old enough, he started to abuse them as well.....They are men now with their own families and doing okay..but my eldest son had so much trouble with his attitude because he learnt from his dad....He had to have counselling because he thought that his dads way was the right....Now he understands it not okay to get everything his own way....

I think that you are so brave to have everything ready for you to go...Think of your son and the impact growing up in an abusive family will have on him later on in life...Many times I heard the words..I will change and I believed him time and time again...People cannot permanently change who they are ..they always go back to themselves after a month or so..because for the month they are being kind is just a farce that they cannot keep to...

I cannot tell you what to do lovely lady....no one can...the best thing to do is go with your heart, protect yourself and your son....if you separate your husband will always be your sons father and can stay in his life if he wants too...

My kindest thoughts dear Shil..

Please talk here anytime you feel up to it...you are not alone..we are here for you with our care and understanding...

Grandy...

[Shil]

Thanks Sophie for your concern and offering to help. I really appreciate. Yes I am being brave for a day and next day becoming weak. One day I feel, like this is good for my son and myself and the other day I am confused.
but I hope god give me more strength to deal with this.

[Shil]

Thanks grandy for sharing your story. I can so much relate but my husband is being nice to his son. So that is what hurting me so much to separate them. I wanted to mutually understand and separate but he is not in a position to understand that. He thinks that I ruined his life cause I am having thoughts of getting separated.
but from your experience I can understand that it will affect my sons way of thinking.

I can see that why my husband has this behaviour cause his father treats his mother the same so he thinks that women have to adjust. But I was brought up in a family where we have family ethics and family values. I tried to explain that to him lots of times but with unluck.

I hope I am in a right path of my decision and god gives me strength to overcome any situation.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Shil,

You are indeed brave.

I tried to leave my abusive marriage several times in the first 6 years but each time that I returned, things just got worse.

My husband didn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour. I will add that he was equally rude and verbally abusive to his own mother but never physically violent as he was with me. His mother jumped every time he wanted something.

Stay brave, and if you have extended family support, keep them close. I was too afraid to turn to my dad for help. I felt ashamed that I chose to marry a terrible man.

There is a lot of great support available for women in your situation so please accept any assistance.

Keep yourself and your son safe.