Trauma, Health and Anger

[Eagle Ray]

Today has been hard. Since Friday I’ve had a return of physical symptoms I had recur throughout last year - shortness of breath and feeling very unwell. Today I had to cancel an appointment with my employment agency because I was too unwell when I’d been looking forward to discussing my ideas for starting my own business on the NEIS program.

I have a cholestatic liver disease and the recent symptoms may be related to lung issues that can occur with that and I’ll probably have to go through more medical testing. But I’ve also been reflecting on the impact of trauma on health and the suppression of anger that can occur when subjected to trauma, especially from a young age.

I had repeat instances of verbal and physical abuse which were quite extreme and left me with nowhere to go but to lie on my bed in a frozen state, often beyond the point of being able to cry. I had to internalise aggression shown towards me as there were no other options. Recently I experienced similar abuse following the death of a family member when I was at my most vulnerable. I was too weak to do anything to defend myself.

The liver disease I have destroys the bile ducts, and I feel like a process of internalised anger over my lifespan is likely responsible for this autoimmune disease. Bile is produced when we are angry, but in my case the anger didn’t get expression and I feel like it’s caused inner destructive processes to my own body.

After the last abusive attack I was in a state of extreme hypervigilance 24/7. One night, unable to sleep, I realised I needed to scream. I screamed into a pillow so I hopefully wouldn’t freak out the neighbours, but after several screams my body started to let go and I actually became sleepy and was able to go to sleep.

Can anyone else relate to possible links between trauma, repressed anger and health issues? If so, has anything particular helped? I’m the kind of person who never shows anger. People have said they’ve never seen me angry. But I feel like there must be a load of repressed anger in me that needs expression. I’m in a lot of pain at the moment, physically and emotionally. I feel like my body has really had enough. I actually bought a book online the other day by Gabor Mate called When the Body Says No. I’m looking forward to reading it as it sounds very relevant to my situation and might help.

Sorry for such a heavy topic. I just wondered if others can relate and have any ideas on dealing with deeply repressed anger linked to trauma?

[Aline SM]

Hi Eagle Ray,

good to hear from you and knowing that you're already booked in.

It's a sensitive topic indeed, specially if the professional you're seeing is not based on trauma informed care. I'm sure you'll find another amazing professional who will help you get through it 🙂

We all need help healing and there are amazing professionals out there and forums like this to help us to move on. I completely understand how your body feels and by personal experience: it will get better! Two things that helped me so much with allowing my body to "be normal" and not on reactive mode 100% of the time are: yoga (not a fit yoga, but the ones that focus on relaxing movements and meditation) and breath work. And by breath work we can talk about start to consciously breath when you feel your reactive mode is on. It's great to give oxygen to our brain and also to bring awareness and presence to the moment - stopping our fight-flight response.

I feel you when you say that you look after everyone else's needs, but yours. I've been through the same! It's so weird how we are just the best encouragers, supporters and care givers to others and so judgemental of ourselves. Something that helped me with that was thinking: "if it was a friend of mine having these thoughts or needing help, what would I do?" and did exactly what I would do for others for myself. Also, it sounds like it's important to you to be able to help and be there for someone in need - but if you don't look after yourself you won't be able to help others, right? It's cliché but it's true "you can't pour from an empty glass".

You are worth it of being looked after by yourself! Never forget this! Keep it up!

[Mum Chris]

Hi eagle ray,

I relate to what you have and are experiencing. I’ve suffered liver bowel and lung problems and a couple of cancers. Having constant high cortisol and times of paralysis from fear also common in my life. I put myself in the hands of drs had several operations and experimental treatment. I was on medication that stopped the cortisol reaction briefly for a few hours and that did help me too. I also tried everything diet wise and cut out all substances and even sugar and grain and that helped reduce inflammation. although I can only do that for a month or two.
Relaxing using techniques my psychologist is teaching me and rewriting my fears so I’m powerful and can protect myself is making me climb out of my hiding place. Part of that is getting physically better my only problem now is autoimmune issues and a damaged foot so I’m taking the medication and getting MRI done and will follow drs orders.
Putting yourself first is important and really caring for yourself. Seems that people that suffer abuse are not usually good at looking after themselves first. Odd should make us selfish but we learn to not care for ourselves so by the time we do go to drs if you are like me you have a laundry list of symptoms very hard to get good diagnosis. But yes lower cortisol levels get sleep and exercise is what I’m told to do and I try very hard.

all the best

MC

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Aline,

The clinical psychologist I’m seeing does practice on the basis of trauma-informed care and works with the major evidence-based therapies. She just also happens to be trained in somatic experiencing which is the approach I am the most drawn to and makes the most sense to me personally.

I had my first session with her today and it was extremely helpful. She is on the same page and I have a real feeling of relief and renewed hope after searching for the right person to work with.

Thank you for the suggestions of yoga and mindfulness meditation. Last year I did yin/restorative yoga that was very gentle with a wonderful teacher who would share wise things with us during the extended poses. I’ve practised mindfulness meditation too and it has certainly helped, but sometimes I can’t access it during periods of heightened trauma.

The difficulty for me with breathing is a lifelong issue. I had a traumatic birth (obviously for my Mum also). Mum told me when I was older I wasn’t breathing properly when I was born and had no human contact as I was put in a humidicrib for 10 days. After that Mum couldn’t get me to breastfeed. I had subsequent health issues over the next few months. Then growing up in a stressed household and enduring verbal and physical attacks my nervous system was in pieces before I got to kindergarten. I hardly slept as a child, sometimes awake all night. I rarely experience what I think must be normal breathing for others, where it actually isn’t a major effort. While I can calm breathing down during mindfulness meditation it reverts back fairly quickly. It is a non-voluntary survival state response. So I know I need to establish an underlying basis of physiological safety and my body also needs to resolve incomplete trauma responses where it never got to fight or flee, what actually has to happen for the body to know it’s safe. I’m seriously thinking of taking up some boxing classes to get that out of my system. But working with a compassionate therapist who understands these processes is really going to help me too. Healthy functioning human connections actually allow people to co-regulate in a way that rebalances the nervous system, and I know this is what I need.

Yes, I think that’s a really good approach to think what we would do for a good friend but remember to do it for ourselves. Thanks for your encouragement. I wish you all the very best on your journey too.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MC,

I can really relate to what you describe. My liver condition is autoimmune as well. I developed fibromyalgia and chronic migraine when I was 13. I’ve had a host of other health issues over the years.

I’ve also been helped by an anti-inflammatory diet that sounds a bit similar to what you’ve been doing. The first thing I did was to remove gluten. After decades of regular, severe migraines they reduced by about 80-90%. I then tried the autoimmune protocol diet. I felt this helped to some extent, but then I went on an anti-candida diet and improved dramatically in terms of reduced inflammation, much better cognitive function and increased energy.

I then looked into that in relation to the autoimmune liver disease I have and found current research studies indicating that gut dysbiosis and intestinal permeability are commonly found in it. People in the studies had both bacterial and fungal imbalances/overgrowth. From what I’ve been reading, the chronic stress response changes digestive function. During fight-or-flight the body withdraws energy from digestion to recruit it for fighting or fleeing, but as these processes are not actualised/completed and we get perpetually stuck in this response, it can lead to major alterations in gut function.

I really empathise with what you’ve been through. Today I started reading a book I ordered that just arrived. It’s called When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. I could relate to it after the first chapter. Gabor is a physician who increasingly realised that many of his patients had diseases that stemmed from chronic stress. He also disclosed his own patterns that were unconscious for years, including hiding and repressing any pain or suffering he had in order to protect his mother who had been through major trauma. This is exactly what has happened in my life.

Perhaps that’s one reason why some of us with trauma always take care of others but not ourselves. We are often born into an inter-generational trauma pattern, we instinctively know our parents cannot be there for us in the way that parents are normally meant to be, and we hide our own pain because we know they cannot help us, or only in a very limited way. And we want them to be safe so we can feel safe, so we try to take care of them to make things ok. I know this is what happened for me.

Anyway, take care and be kind to yourself 🙏 There’s a song by Jewel called Hands that I love and my favourite line in it is “In the end, only kindness matters”.

[Mum Chris]

Hi eagle ray

I think we have read similar studies. The relationship with stress and health is clear. Now the psych drs are realising that the effects on brain function that diet and exercise have.
Im trying really hard to refocus and treat myself as a whole entity mind body spirit and we definitely can’t be pushed into one size fits all. Have you read about the effects of vitamin D I’ve been getting vitamins d injections. I have to wait 6 months I’m due for my 2nd now. I really noticed an overall improvement in my gut. It’s very hard to have CPTSD and deal with poor health and pain. It takes extra effort.
Good you can read a book I can’t concentrate enough my mind wonders. I’m loving being on steroids and I’m loving the energy I never realise how hard I struggle to move and live till I give in and start taking them and it’s like wow yes this is how I used to feel. I can do things and think clearly. Temporary fix and I have to replace with exercise vitamins and relaxation exercises.
I researched how people with autoimmune issues metabolise sugar and inflammation it causes. About 10 years ago and it turned my health around but I didn’t stick to it. Well I wasn’t caring for my mental health I was destroying myself trying to fix and protect my loved ones. I never learn I’m still doing it. My psychologist said it’s a pattern but it’s more than that the people in my life are sick too. I can see it and feel their pain.

What is the best way you have found to lower the fight flight reflex.

MC

[Eagle Ray]

I’ve heard good things about vitamin D in relation to the liver condition I have. I used to take it and probably should try again. It’s great you’ve got that benefit. I try to get some sunshine too for vitamin D. It feels easier this time of year because the UV rating is lower and you don’t have to worry as much about sun protection.

I understand about the difficulty reading. A few weeks back I could not read even though I had a book I wanted to. You could try either audiobooks or podcasts. I do listen to podcasts sometimes on topics that interest me. My mind wanders a bit with the spoken word but I’m getting better at staying present.

Im glad the steroids have helped you to feel better. I think once the body knows it’s possible to feel good it becomes easier to come back to that feeling if we lose it again. It’s like a positive body memory that builds resilience against the challenging things we can feel.

Sugar does seem a major factor in inflammation with autoimmunity. I’ve benefited greatly from eliminating added sugars and just getting some sugar naturally through some fruits.

When you speak about feeling others pain I really understand. I actually feel like I’m feeling in my body what they are going through. I’m reading another book at the moment by Anita Moorjani called Sensitive is the New Strong and how being that empathic can be turned around into a strength.

While I still struggle to get out of fight-or-flight, a few things help. One is sensing what my own body needs and asking myself what I need right now. It’s basically self-caring to respond to what you need in the moment. For me that might be something like a walk, rest, cup of tea or talking to a kind person.

Apparently when our curiosity is engaged that closes down the trauma circuits and I’ve found that because I love photography, when I’m engaged in that it’s like I’m completely absorbed and nothing is bothering me.

Certain therapies such as Bowen therapy have helped me that help calm the nervous system. I found speaking with a new psychologist helped yesterday too because she was kind and understanding and it’s like that helps you know you’re safe.

I actually went whale watching today. I’ve been so locked down at home but by going out and seeing the amazing whales it was like a circuit breaker. I think giving the brain and nervous new and interesting experiences helps to give the body a rest from the fight-or-flight response.

[Driffle]

Everything you've expressed makes complete sense to me, as there are some parallels with my own experiences. I don't have your liver disease but do have similar physiological difficulties that can be traced back to trauma in early life. I've been chipping away at those for many years and have made a lot of progress, though I'm not out of the woods yet. I'll share some of what I've learned in the hope that it can help you.

Firstly, your ability to listen to your body and what it needs is a superpower. It not only helps you manage your body in real time and get the most out of life without wrecking yourself, it also helps you evaluate whether any new intervention is helping, something that's really useful when you have problems that lie beyond the reach of well-proven one-size-fits-all remedies.

What you refer to as fight-or-flight is associated with what's called the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). Flight-flight-fawn-freeze are at the extreme end of the SNS's functions; the SNS also underpins states of activity and arousal, including anger and anxiety. It has a counterbalance called the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS), which facilitates rest and healing but if overactive induces a heavy fatigue that makes it difficult to get anything done. These are part of the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), which is supposed to work invisibly in the background, keeping us safe and rested without us having to be aware of it.

I've learned from experience that chronic physical injury can both cause extreme SNS & PSNS responses and leave my body "jammed" in that state. Medical understanding of this is limited; the closest definition I've seen that makes any connection between cause and effect is "T4 syndrome". My answer to your question of whether trauma in early life can go on to cause autonomic difficulties in adult life is "it's the only life I know".

Medical science knows statistically that there's a link between maternal stress and poorer health outcomes in adult life, and some doctors like the one who went on leave recognise the physiological pattern you're in and that it originates from trauma earlier in life, but they haven't identified the processes and don't have the answers yet.

I'm hitting the character limit now. I can mention some of the interventions I've found helpful if desired.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you very much Driffle.

 I‘ve done quite a bit of reading on the ANS and can relate to what you describe in your own body, especially the jammed SNS/PNS response. Apparently it’s possible to be kind of jammed between fight-or-flight and freeze/collapse - a bit like the accelerator and brake being activated on a car simultaneously.

This feels like my ongoing state my whole life. I just so wish to be normal, like the very few times I’ve felt I’ve breathed normally.

 I know my parents grew up the same. For example, my Dad’s Mum was very sick with him while pregnant and died when he was 5 months old. He then underwent a series of very traumatic circumstances. He had severe autonomic issues in his body by the time he was in middle age, including significantly shallow breathing like he was having to suck in air to survive. Neither of my parents displayed healthy ANS function.

I’d be really happy to hear about any interventions that have helped you. I’ve been developing increasing symptoms associated with autoimmunity for some time and I have no doubt they are linked to trauma that probably started for me even in the womb and certainly at birth. My Mum had major childhood trauma and abuse that affected her her whole life. I’m always trying to stay hopeful that I can heal. I had a look at T4 syndrome which looks interesting. I have a lot of weakness in my arms and difficulty breathing at times with the liver condition I have, which has associated pulmonary issues among others.

[ecomama]

HI Eagle Ray

I read some of your thread but not all (being 3am oops!)... I'm sorry if this has already been mentioned. 

There's definite link between people recovering from trauma / abuse and their physical ailments, really how could there not be? It's ALL in one organism after all. 

You can watch some great stuff on YT about the research around "The Body Keeps Score". I'm starting with this before I read the book (I might see if it's at our Local Library). My eldest daughter is reading it atm and she said it's been really triggering for her, so it hasn't been a read quickly book at all. She's doing her Honors in Psych, that's not the triggering part of her life. It's her childhood & adulthood traumas that have been triggered. 

Also content by Dr Joe Dispenza I find INCREDIBLE for the healing journey. His books are life changing, if comprehended, but he has LOTS of YT videos too to watch and listen to.
At one stage during my therapy for C-PTSD I couldn't sleep without listening to one of his Meditation clips or CDs. Then I'd wake up as it finished. Begin it again lol. 
I find him THAT calming (could be a personal thing as he has exactly the same accent as my BF who also grew up in California... idk). I find my BFs voice smooth like an emotional massage lol! 

Could be worth investigating for yourself. 

Btw I understand what you said about trauma from your mother. Mine had had shock therapy as a teen and was told never to have children. She did, me. Gave birth overseas during a War there.... some decisions, hmmm. Some research has shown that a person's DNA changes because of trauma and it can be inherited by their offspring. 

Good on you for keeping a strong focus on healing. 

EM

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you EM.

 I have The Body Keeps the Score and I’ve read quite a bit of it but not cover to cover. I’ve read two of Peter Levine’s books too. He does recount some trauma incidents/case examples in his books but I got through them without it being too stressful as he’s explaining the physiology as he goes along which helps me understand my body’s own responses. Also, he explains the resolution of trauma physiology in those examples which makes me aware of how my own body can heal. But I do often get a strong, visceral response to things so I get what your daughter is feeling. It’s great she’s doing her Honours in Psych.

I’ll definitely have a look at Joe Dispenza. I find it really helpful to hear soothing voices too. Sound is an amazing thing for soothing us, whether it’s a voice or particular musical instruments.

 I’m sorry about the trauma things with your Mum. My Mum’s mother had the shock treatment too. I’ve read about epigenetics which I think is what you’re referring to, where certain genes can be switched on or off by environmental factors. I know there’s a lot of work on that in relation to PTSD. Rachel Yehuda has pioneered work in that area. The good thing about epigenetics is that it shows gene expression can be shaped by lived experience, which means we can also heal at this level. My own goal is to switch my own epigenetics back into a healing pattern so my nervous system recalibrates. I think one of the best ways of this happening is through healthy relationships with others that re-establish baseline safety. It’s like our nervous systems co-regulate in a healthy way with the right people. Even my lovely neighbour visiting the other day helped me feel more normal as I live alone and can cycle into trauma states in isolation.

 I’m reading a book by Gabor Mate at the moment called When the Body says No. It’s confronting in some ways, looking at how illness and disease can come from trauma, but it’s exactly what I need right now as I work to resolve autoimmune issues in my own body.

Thanks again 🙏