Trauma, Health and Anger

[Eagle Ray]

Today has been hard. Since Friday I’ve had a return of physical symptoms I had recur throughout last year - shortness of breath and feeling very unwell. Today I had to cancel an appointment with my employment agency because I was too unwell when I’d been looking forward to discussing my ideas for starting my own business on the NEIS program.

I have a cholestatic liver disease and the recent symptoms may be related to lung issues that can occur with that and I’ll probably have to go through more medical testing. But I’ve also been reflecting on the impact of trauma on health and the suppression of anger that can occur when subjected to trauma, especially from a young age.

I had repeat instances of verbal and physical abuse which were quite extreme and left me with nowhere to go but to lie on my bed in a frozen state, often beyond the point of being able to cry. I had to internalise aggression shown towards me as there were no other options. Recently I experienced similar abuse following the death of a family member when I was at my most vulnerable. I was too weak to do anything to defend myself.

The liver disease I have destroys the bile ducts, and I feel like a process of internalised anger over my lifespan is likely responsible for this autoimmune disease. Bile is produced when we are angry, but in my case the anger didn’t get expression and I feel like it’s caused inner destructive processes to my own body.

After the last abusive attack I was in a state of extreme hypervigilance 24/7. One night, unable to sleep, I realised I needed to scream. I screamed into a pillow so I hopefully wouldn’t freak out the neighbours, but after several screams my body started to let go and I actually became sleepy and was able to go to sleep.

Can anyone else relate to possible links between trauma, repressed anger and health issues? If so, has anything particular helped? I’m the kind of person who never shows anger. People have said they’ve never seen me angry. But I feel like there must be a load of repressed anger in me that needs expression. I’m in a lot of pain at the moment, physically and emotionally. I feel like my body has really had enough. I actually bought a book online the other day by Gabor Mate called When the Body Says No. I’m looking forward to reading it as it sounds very relevant to my situation and might help.

Sorry for such a heavy topic. I just wondered if others can relate and have any ideas on dealing with deeply repressed anger linked to trauma?

[Aline SM]

Hi Eagle Ray,

thanks for sharing and it sounds like you've been dealing with stress and anger for a while now.

It definitely has a strong link between health and trauma as the reactions we have in our bodies (hormone release, muscle tension...) are different from someone who never experienced trauma. It's like our bodies were / are in fight or flight the whole time and, being chronically in a fight or flight state, just changes our physiology and the way our bodies respond. I would definitely seek for professional help from a GP and counsellor / psychologist to investigate your current situation overall (liver and new symptoms) and to do some inner child and trauma release work. I know you have a book to read and also there's plenty of content online, but seek solutions out of the internet too. Find a professional who will make strategies based on your specific situation and needs.

Good on you for seeking for help here and let us know how it goes. All the best 🙂

[white knight]

Hi again, thanks for a detail and quite brave post on what is a number of complex issues.

I can't help you with the bulk of them, hoping someone here can.

I almost went into the NEIS scheme when unemployed around 1992 to begin a lawn mowing round in a small country town. I weighed up the dedication required to satisfy Centrelink (business plans, surveys etc) and the doubts of when payments cease 12 months later. Anyway, I decided not to go that way but start up the business and use that income to supplement my dole which worked out well because I couldn't get anymore than 12 clients and that income was less than the maximum I could earn before the dole reduced.

I'm mentioning this so you might think deeply about that commitment. Sure be positive but wary because any excess stress would not be good. Centrelink personnel wouldn't be all that interested in your mental struggles unfortunately.

I hope your anger issues subside. My own one off trauma event left me with dysthymia (I also have bipolar) so google that, it might help you in your research.

Good luck and glad you're still here.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Aline SM.

I have a GP appointment on Thursday and a Telehealth appointment with a psychologist who does somatic-based trauma work on Friday.

I’ve made some attempt to discuss possible links between trauma and physical health symptoms with doctors before, mostly without success. They just seem uncomfortable with it so I don’t try to discuss further. The one exception was a really nice GP I had last year. I was describing the physiological symptoms I’d been experiencing and she straight away said two words - “complex trauma”. She just got me straight away without me even bringing up the trauma aspect. Sadly she had to go on extended leave, but it was so nice having a really good, understanding doctor, even if for a short time.

For my whole life I’ve been in a state of either chronic fight-or-flight or freeze. It’s all my body knows really. I’ve had brief reprieves following really positive interpersonal experiences where I’ve actually noticed myself breathing with ease, something that rarely happens so it’s a strange but wonderful feeling when it does.

I don’t think we can heal in isolation. I live on my own and go through all my struggles on my own. Ironically I’ve often been a primary support for friends and family going through crisis or difficulties. I have easily given all my life but have been very poor at giving to myself. I’m only really starting to learn to self-care.

I’ve looked after other peoples’ dogs a lot. When a dog is stressed I can calm him or her down. I have so much patience and love for other beings yet I find it extremely hard to do the same for myself. It’s a lot harder to calm myself down. Maybe I just need to imagine that I’m a dog I’m looking after.

Anyway, thank you 🙏

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks TonyWK.

Yes, looking into NEIS it does feel like some pressure to jump through a lot of hoops and it might in fact be easier to do something independently of that. I think you get a kind of mentor along the way but it comes down to whether that person really understands your situation. I certainly can’t deal with stress right now.

The woman at the employment agency I’ve had meetings with is really nice. She has suggested the possibility of me applying for the disability pension. I’ve been resisting that but do need to come to terms with the fact I have a progressive disease. If I did apply for it and was accepted you are still able to work a limited number of hours, so I may still be able to follow my business plan idea in a much smaller way. The plan is photography-related.

I’m glad you were able to start up your business independently. Thanks regarding dysthymia. I just had a bit of a look at it on the internet. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. At the moment I feel like I’m at risk of depression from unresolved, persistent grief. I’m struggling everyday really. I’m normally able to keep finding positives despite everything life keeps throwing at me, but it really has been hard to sustain that lately.

I’ll keep working on what to do about anger. I’ve heard of people getting boxing gloves and a punching bag. Maybe that’s what I need!

Anyway, thanks for your support.

[geoff]

Hello Eagle Ray, this sounds to be awful and feel for what you are going through.

Can I ask if this also contains damage to your GGT or gamma level.

Geoff.

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Geoff.

My GGT has been in range. What are elevated are my ALP and ALT readings plus I have anti-mitochondrial antibodies. The disease I have is primary biliary cholangitis. The anti-mitochondrial antibodies are present in 95% of people with the disease.

The primary treatment is ursodeoxycholic acid which has improved life expectancy for people with the disease and reduced the number of people requiring a liver transplant. Not everyone responds to it and I was only a partial responder last year as my liver readings kept going out again. My last readings were good but after feeling particularly unwell for several days I’m wondering if they are out again.

GGT can be abnormal in the disease and is something they routinely check for, but the test results that I’ve been given by the specialist have shown them as normal.

I’m trying to stay positive but just found it especially hard today. I try to remember that everything is in flux and there will be a feel-better time soon.

[geoff]

Hello Eagle Ray, I'm pleased your gamma readings are normal because with mine, they were high, plus I had elevated ALT and ALP readings, but since I haven't drunk for nearly 3 years the readings are now in the normal.

The doctor who has gone on 'extended leave' will have made notes on your file and wonder whether you could get a referral to a 'hepatology unit' who are liver doctors and may be able to help you.

Geoff.

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Geoff,

I’m currently with a liver specialist already. However, he’s not very communicative and I feel several issues have been repeatedly overlooked, so I’m seeing the GP this week and going to ask for a referral to another liver specialist who I found through researching online. I’ve managed to improve a number of symptoms through dietary changes and this other specialist I’ve found seems to be more on the same page in terms of things like diet and thinking laterally.

I’m glad your liver readings have returned to normal. Thank you and all the best.

[geoff]

Hello Eagle Ray, please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.