Dear S~
I remember calling Lifeline, it was very very many years ago, it was about a week after my wife died, and I listened to the young man on the phone working his way though all the things that the thought might make me want to live, from pets to the future. I came away more isolated, though I did feel sorry for him, he was so earnest and tried so hard. All that logic.
Lifeline nowadays is a very different place with very different training, so don't be put off by my reminiscences.
After that call I had no idea what to do, grief can make you feel like bursting. My late wife's phone numbers were by the phone so on impulse I rang one of her friends, one I'd liked.
She came quickly, not with her husband as I'd expected, but with a police chaplain in tow - this made me feel worse as I imagined I'd get a lecture on the Almighty and Life.
It did not work that way, they sat, they made cups of tea and I talked (endlessly) round and round about the same things that hurt, were unfair and hopeless. They listened. I ended so exhausted I went to bed (and cried).
They had actually helped. I'll not forget that evening.
You deserve as much time as you need on The Suicide Call Back Service or Lifeline. Nobody deserves it more. Talking to them can help -if only a bit.
You deserve something else -honesty. The honesty that allows you to say truly how you feel without feeling you need to "hold back", and you deserve to hear honesty yourself, from your husband. He is doing you no favors by being too stoic thus leading you to believe you do not want to make him break down, and he is doing himself no favors in hiding how he feels.
Shared grief is better. Grief alone, even with other sufferer bedside you, is worse and the isolation accomplishes nothing.
If your kids see either of you cry, OK, that's mum or dad unhappy. If they want to help (many do) then give them a small task, get you a drink, the box of tissues, hold hands
I would like to hear from you
Croix
