Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Delectable]

Part 2

Till this day I cannot forgive both sets of parents for the same reasons, I’ve been told that I must forgive, I wish I could forget however too much damage has been done.
The dutch foster mum had one natural child who is still alive though he was older then me and joined the army. He and the other two parents cut me off at 13nand when his parents both died tried to come back into my life 25 years later. I said sorry too much time has passed, where were you when I was in state care or being raped entering state care, watching teenagers die.
Nowhere, so it’s too late to play happy family now you have no one left. People say I’m very hard but I don’t forgive nor do I forget. It’s wrong they only want something when they have nothing considering the other person has had nothing for so long.

[Delectable]

Hi Sleepy,

I had a day with Ken today, he had to see the gp, he has cancer on his arm. He has a type of cancer already. I spent a fair bit of time weeding and mulching.
He enjoyed his cake, had two pieces for lunch. I took a cake to another older man & daughter about my age, I haven't heard from, I guess they don’t want my help anymore as they didn’t bother to send a sms thanking me for the cake. It’s ok, but it would be nice if they just said they don’t want my help, instead of total silence. Things sure are different after the pandemic, it seems to have driven people further away.

I hope you had an enjoyable first day of autumn, do you ever go to the botanical gardens ? Or to the beach and pickup seashells?

[Delectable]

How do you keep going when things are hard? When your friend has Alzheimer’s and quizzes ukulele on how many friends you have, you can’t very well say , well you k ow I have bpd, it’s hardly people wanting to be your friend and why don’t the people in your dance and tennis invite you out?
Then I have someone else who used to be a friend but when I had to move she ditched the friendship and now wants only garden help, which I rather not do. I feel like yelling to these people whatever did I do to you? I could use a hill right now to shout it all out.

I guess I’m not a good person, if I was people wouldn’t do the things they do. I’m tired of trying to solve my own problems, it’s getting too hard.

[Delectable]

Today my rent went up $15 a week, I hope all you landlords realise you’re pushing people on low incomes towards suicide by making it impossible for them to live.

There’s more to life then money you know, I hope one day you experience how someone on the poverty line exists and maybe you might learn about empathy and compassion instead of greed.

[Delectable]

I hope you’re ok Sleepy and that you remember that everyone on here values and cares for you as a person, thank you for being there when you could.

I’m sorry if I have disappointed you.