Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable, thanks for reminding me taht ppl here do care and for saying those things.
I have met a lot of ppl on the DSP and NDIS as I've had multiple hospital stays and many ppl there tell me about it. I know some ppl get taxi vouchers which seems helpful and cheaper accomodation through NDIS. It sounds really helpful if you can get it..

I'm sorry this is a hard time for u with the anniversaries. I hope you are okay. Understandable that it would bring up a lot of emotions.

Congrats on keeping fit and healthy over this time - lots of ppl (myself included!) have gone the other way during lockdown. Hope ur enjoying ur walks. It's amazing to keep fit for the endorphins. I've just bought new sneakers and hope i can excercise a bit more. I like it when I do it but these lockdowns complicated everything.

Hope ur doing okay

[Delectable]

Thank you Sleepy, I average 14,971 steps per day in February. Some days are higher then others like today I did 10km of stair climbing then another 7 km of walking to the library and chemist so today’s total is 22,445 steps. I try to walk even if I feel unwell, it helps to listen to music in my intense workouts.

I have been advised the dsp will knock me back the first time. NDIS is for mental health so maybe everyone on here who has PTSD is eligible. It’s a 6 - 7 week decision apparently and I will only get a small amount, it will mean my social worker gets paid better then Medicare and I can see her every week instead of every 2-3 weeks.

I have a bit of pain as I can no longer get mersyndol, I have to go back on the pill and try ponstan for pain relief. I’m hoping to skip some periods as I’ve been bleeding every fortnight.
I have missed you, you have really been the only one on here that is on the lookout for me.

Playing tennis has been good, learning something new in the middle years is supposed to be good for your health. It’s only $2 per week and I have taught myself how to serve, I practice for 45 minutes before the ladies start at 8am Thursday. One week I played against the men when I couldn’t help the old people.

Last week I played barefoot as I have a nasty bunion, which I’ve had for some years. People say they are heritable which I don’t know, drs ask some stupid questions. One asked me if my parents had blood pressure or cholesterol problems after I said I was given up at age 4, 13 days from turning 5. Like what kid knows at 4 their parents minor health problems? I didn’t and I’ll never know at it’s not documented at death.

I hope you enjoy walking, I walk where there is water or some nice nature. I also walk up hills once a week...take some water with you, if you’re not used to walking much. You could treat yourself to a cup of coffee or something else you like while you are out.
last year when I went to the beach I did 22km walks all along the water, that was in nsw and I also caught a bus to a national park and climbed up to the waterfall twice. It’s a very pretty spot the area starting with K.

[Delectable]

I should say being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder one of the symptoms is excessive exercise.... they say most people do not exercise like I do....

I don’t want to be in the house much, except if it’s raining. I feel that’s a bit unfair but I just wanted to say that.

In the afternoon I’ve started reading historical romance based in St Petersburg or Europe, considering my parents were born in 1910 and 1924 I’ve always been drawn to the earlier years. If the book is good I can finish it in a day, some authors are Tanya Blanchard, Irene NeMirovsky, Lara Prescott, Ellen Alpsten, Anya von brenzem, Victoria purman.
I get all these books at the library.. another reason to go for a walk.
In the evening I watch one or two dvds, the old man I help learn me a heap of Judi Dench films and I have also watched Helen Mirren, I liked her movie The Door set in Budapest. I also have the tv series Catherine the Great which I’m yet to watch.

[Guest_1643]

hi D

i'm not sure what you mean about the connection between BPD and excessive excercise, and how that's not fair. Can you explain a little more?

The books sound great. I hope it's a nice walk to the library. Is it too heavy to carry them back or do u get a few at a time? From the forums here I found advice about a graphic novel about depression and I got that from the library and read it last night. Otherwise I haen't read much fiction during lockdown, I read more non fiction stuff, self-help, essays, etc.

[Delectable]

Sleepy, a borderline personality disorder trait is excessive exercise.

Yes I exercise every day apart from first period day, I see other people exercising the same ones when I do the stairs...I wonder if they have the disorder as well. It’s a bit unfair because if you exercise everyday you’re attached to that disorder.

Today I walked 11 kms.,it’s very cold here and put a woolly jumper on when I got home.

I have read The girl they left behind by Roxanne Veletzos, based on a true story about a Romanian girl, it was a wonderful book and made me cry at the end. I’m glad some people get a happy ending after a rough start.

I carry the books home, I have usually two book and a few dvds, I look up what’s being released at stores and then reserve them at the library. Yesterday I got Hope Gap with Bill Nighy, The translators ( a newly released Palace film ) Dirt Music, I take them to the old man to let him watch, not the foreign ones though.

Tonight I will watch the last of the Judi Dench he lent me, The last of the blonde bombshells, and one of the library dvds. I have another Tanya Blanchard book to pick up, the sequel To a girl from Munich. I will take some stuff back via my walking route of 10kms tomorrow via the after hours library chute. I have 5 different walks I take, tomorrow being the shortest but involves a steep climb. My longest walk is 16km which I do once a month, again with the steep climb, lots of wetland, and along the river. It has a beautiful lagoon where I might take myself on my birthday week and treat myself to a danish.

I had a French feast in February, before lockdown... I made lamb stew with cous cous, strawberry tarte and lemon verbena ice cream. I’m due to have the next one, a autumn Hungarian one in mid April followed by a hearty Russian one in Winter sometime. Besides making cakes for the old man, I will make him a sour cream rhubarb one tomorrow and the feasts I’ve stopped cooking.

After reading the Romanian novel I’d like to learn more about their food, I would have liked to see Bucharest one day. Those parts of eastern Europe not heavily flocked with tourists.

How have you spent your Saturday Sleepy?

[Guest_1643]

Hi D,

I find it hard to understand the link between BPD and excessive excerise to be honest... I'm confused a bit by that. Maybe it's something I haven't read about before.
Hope u enjoy ur new finds from the library.
I went to a support group which was closed, so since I was there already I went for a coffee and walk.
I have not had such an easy day because I'm so tired from poor sleep. I went to the library for a bit as well to return and look at books. I've been reading some books on trauma atm. I'm enjoying them... Currently watching ABC about american politics

[Delectable]

That’s great, I hope the weather was sunny for you, it’s the last day of summer tomorrow. Pity about your support group not being there, maybe they changed the venue or date?
My social worker said about the traits of border personality disorder, my traits and that was listed, I was a bit shocked she had written that but apparently it’s a symptom of punishing yourself.
I don’t question anything, after all what do I know. She said she can remove it but the damage is done so it might as well stay on the paperwork now. The psychiatrist never asked me anything about exercise, his comment refers to me bring socially isolated, which is my own choice to stop setting myself up for hurt and relationships going askew.

I do see an elderly lady whom is 81 still, she has all the symptoms of Alzheimer’s. I have known her since 2002 when I met her grape picking. I realise it’s going to be a matter of time before I never see her at all. We meet outside the library, lately she has come 45 minutes late several times and came to the feasts late as well, it was difficult to keep the food that long as it was ready. The conversation will be rather repetitive on her part which at times frustrates me and I’m glad when she goes home. Being asked the same question three times in 10 minutes is a bit too much sometimes however she is the only person I know in the town. While I do dance and tennis I do my utmost to stay at arms length. They never ask me to do anything outside from that though some of the tennis ladies have offered me a lift which I’ve politely declined, most of them are around the 70 year old bracket. Besides tennis is only a 5 minute walk for me, around the block virtually.

Tonight I watched two Judi Dench 84 Charing Cross Rd, a library DVD and The last of the blonde bombshells.

Tomorrow I’ll meet my friend and go to the gardens to see if the leaves are starting to change. We had quite warm summer days and the next two are to be 31, sometimes we have those temps to mid April. Though a few days have been cold, around 25.
I don’t watch tv anymore, I watched a bit of ladies tennis, I really like Karolina Muchova, she will be one to watch. I read the abc news but apart from that I really don’t want to know anything else. In lockdown all I did was read any news, and I didn’t feel good afterwards.
I hope you have a great day Sunday on the last day of summer, enjoy Sleepy.

[Delectable]

Hope you had an enjoyable Sunday Sleepy, you’ll have to change your name to Overtired?
Met my friend who came half an hour late, her memory was very bad today, we were talking to some ladies from the big smoke and she said she had lived near one of them but couldn’t remember where. It’s ironic now she has the bad memory her lying is getting out of hand, things she kept secret are now out on the table, for example she never told her children she spent time with me. She tells me she has no money but can buy 3 fully priced chocolate bars which she eats for dinner. Her comments in reference to total strangers down the street have been quite cruel, yet if I say to her are you having chocolate for dinner she gets cross.

One day she tells me one story, the next time it’s the complete opposite. I’m surprised her children have not moved her into care, herself she has no assets so they would have to pool in for her, she is lucky they all have good jobs and incomes. She obviously thinks I’m stupid as she says age only gets $800 on her pension when I know the elderly man gets over $900 and he is a homeowner. For years she tells me she has no money, but I know she gets $1000 and her daughter pays her light and gas bills. I do t k ow why she lies to me, that does annoy me. I certainly do t want her money, she was like a grandmother that I never had. Now her daughter has moved away she says I’m her family which is rather hurtful as the whole 20 other years she has known I’never had any family and it never bothered her then. Maybe I will go late to our next meeting, but that’s probably cruel on my part. The problem is she will message me right before I’m due to meet her and I’ve already left home. So it means I have to hang around waiting for her. No time to read today, will watch Dirt Music and Hope Gap tonight. Helping the old man tomorrow, he’s 91 and lives 40 kms away. Clocked up 14.3 kms today, saw a pure white rabbit on my travels.

There are no supports groups where I live, I guess they are only in the big smoke. Maybe I’ll have to find one for dealing with Alzheimer’s.

Enjoy the first day of Autumn, tomorrow Sleepy.

[Guest_1643]

Hi D

be careful choosing friends as yes there are some who aren't so honest....

I don't like lying either

I had a friend who used to just subtly twist the truth and it was too much for me. Of course such behaviour happens but for friends I want ppl who I can be up-front with and honest. That's not nice that she says cruel things about ppl on the street. What did they do to her?

My support group is nice. What sort of mental health services do they have where u live? is there a public hospital with like a psych ward or is that only in big cities?

How was ur day today with the older man?

There is a sweet older man in my street we get along really well. He came and fixed my window when I asked him. That made me feel really protected and cared for . It is nice to have someone I can ask. I think he did a good job, too!

Have a great day Delectable.

[Delectable]

My elderly older lady friend has Alzheimer’s, it’s only started in the last few years, she is 81. Maybe she doesn’t mean to lie.

The hospital with a psych ward is 40 kms away, there are still no support groups for PTSD there. My town is quite small, mental health is still frowned on. We are in the top 3 towns of suicide in Victoria apparently along with a town nearby.

I see Ken the elderly man tomorrow and then have dance tomorrow night.
All my other friends away from here have their own problems, I don’t ask them for any help when things are hard for me.it would be nice buts it’s not possible.

Just watched Dirt Music, the scenery was pretty, an Australian movie that was ok considering I only got it from the library.

The French film festival is on in the big smoke, I’ll miss it this year. There are no Juliette Binoche or Catherine Denevue movies this year, I go away to a country town starting with H to where I’ve never been, spa country for 2 nights for my birthday with a friend. I try to do something nice after all the death & birthday anniversaries with the first one being today, my Dutch foster mother who I lived with for 8 years, she introduced me to all cooking items across my backside, funny that I look back at. People say your parents taught you how to cook, how wrong they are? Maybe they introduced me to willow and electrical cords and belts as well. My dr has said in the past German and Dutch people knew nothing else but that’s a poor excuse as people know what’s right and wrong regardless of what nationality they are. The bowel cancer got her in the end and maybe that was payback for all the horrible things she did. My only regret was I should have told her I cannot forgive her.